by Meg Jolie
“Nothing major. We were just waiting for Brad to get off work, and then we were going to hit a few bars. It’s nothing I can’t do any other night of the week.”
I slumped back into his cushions, guilt and relief warring through me.
“You and Noah,” he prompted. “So, uh, can I ask what happened?”
I shrugged. “I guess it was a mutual decision.” Kind of. “The distance…it’s just not working. For either one of us. Plus, he’s into another girl.” I kept my tone light and forced a smile. What was wrong with me? I felt as though my heart had been shredded. Yet, here I sat. After the initial deluge of tears had run its course, I’d felt nothing but numbness.
Numbness, these days, almost felt like my body’s default setting. I had become adept at shutting off my emotions, blocking out my pain.
Caleb’s expression became stormy. “Did that little shit cheat on you?”
I quickly shook my head. “No.”
Caleb nodded once, and then settled onto the couch.
“Sorry to just show up here. Riley’s working and Mom’s…,” I shook my head. “She’s working her way into a drunken stupor.”
He sheepishly raised the beer he was holding. “I’m not going to lie. I’m not doing much better here,” he admitted. He motioned to the bottles on the coffee table. “Most of these are mine. It was Paul’s night to be the DD. The only plans I had for tonight were to get blitzed. I think I’m about halfway there already. But if you want, I can get rid of this. I know it bothers you.”
He made a move, as if to stand. He was willing to dump out his beer for me. I found the thought oddly sweet.
“Nah,” I said as I plucked it out of his hand. I took a swig and he didn’t stop me. “I don’t have a problem with drinking. I have a problem with drinking yourself senseless night after night. I have a problem with not being able to take care of yourself. I have a problem with not being able to take care of your child when he needs you.”
“Hey,” Caleb said as he put a hand on my shoulder. “It’s going to be okay. Where’s Ty right now?”
“He was playing a video game. Mom will probably send him to bed soon so she can drink in peace.” At least she hadn’t been passed out yet. That was something, I thought sarcastically.
“So, this break-up, it just happened?”
I nodded. “Yes, but I didn’t come here to talk about Noah.”
“Fair enough,” he said as he pulled his beer out of my hands. He took another sip. “So why did you come here?”
Wasn’t that just the four million dollar question?
I shrugged and honesty spilled from my mouth. “I guess because I didn’t have anywhere else to go. Riley’s working and she’s the only friend I have, other than you, that didn’t leave town. But you’re right. I really have no business being here.” I moved to get to my feet but Caleb’s fingers circled my wrist. He pulled me back down.
“I didn’t say that at all. I was just wondering. You can hang out here as long as you want,” he said.
Was this a bad idea? Maybe I shouldn’t have come here.
“I should probably go.”
He raised an eyebrow at me. “Where?”
Another good question.
“Home, maybe.”
He made a knowing face at me and took another sip of his beer. Home was one of the last places I wanted to be right now. He knew me well enough to know that.
“I could call Casey, she’s Riley’s roommate. She invited me out tonight with her and some friends.” I shrugged. “I could catch up with them.”
“But you won’t,” Caleb said knowingly.
He was right.
“You know, if he has feelings for someone else, that’s his loss. You’re a great girl,” Caleb said.
I smiled but there was no warmth behind it. “If he has feelings for someone else, it’s my fault.” Caleb’s expression clouded over but I hurried on to explain myself. “I’ve been pushing him away. I wanted to deal with Mom’s issue on my own. Not only have I not done that, but I’ve destroyed Noah and me in the process. The irony is that I was going to tell him next weekend. That’s why I called, to ask if I could visit him. But before we got that far…the conversation got completely out of hand.”
“I think you should still talk to him. Call him up and tell him you still want to see him next weekend. You two have been together for too long for him to not hear you out.”
I rolled my bottom lip through my teeth. The hurt of losing Noah began to ebb through me once again. I ignored it by pushing it away. I shrugged. “There’s no point. It’s not just about that anymore. He admitted that he has feelings for this girl, Amanda. I waited too long. I can’t open up to him now, not when I know how he feels about her. Besides,” I said as I blinked away a few stubborn tears, “knowing Noah like I do, he’d want to be there for me. How would I ever know if it’s because he loves me, or if it’s because he feels like it’s the honorable thing to do?”
“So that’s it” Caleb asked. “It’s just over?”
“It’s just over,” I agreed. The words echoed in my head.
“You know what Evan would do if he were here?” Caleb asked.
I looked at him and shook my head.
“Hang on. I’ll be right back.”
I watched as he disappeared into his kitchen. I heard the fridge open. Caleb reappeared and handed me a bottle of beer. He had a full one in his other hand. He held up a finger, letting me know I needed to wait a second.
I took a sip and watched as he went to his entertainment center. He opened the door and rummaged around. He came back to me with a stack of movies.
“I hope you don’t mind that I kept these,” he said sheepishly.
I glanced at the titles. They were a stack of Evan’s favorites.
“Are they Evan’s?”
He nodded. “Sometimes we’d hang out here and watch them. This one,” he said as he held it out to me, was his favorite. It’s hard to stay in a shitty mood when you watch it. Should I put it in?”
This brought the first legitimate smile to my mouth in days. “Old School? Yeah, put it in.”
***
I never knew if talking about Evan would make me feel better or worse. Sometimes, it was like tearing off an old, deep scab. Other times, it was like a salve.
Tonight, it was the latter.
Caleb told me stories about their young, rowdy days. He had me smiling and then even laughing over their antics. That’s the way I wanted to remember Evan, a little bit wild and a whole lot of fun.
I told Caleb stories from when Evan and I were kids. My favorite memory was of Evan teaching me to ride my bike. Mom was always busy working back then, getting her business up and running and Dad simply hadn’t had the patience. So it was Evan who taught me to ride my bike, tie my shoes, and it was Evan who taught me to drive a stick-shift. He never lost his calm, not even when I repeatedly ground the gears.
Two movies, a couple of beers and endless stories about Evan later, I’d managed to edge Noah almost completely out of my mind.
“I wonder what Evan would think about this,” I said. I let out a sigh. Talking about Evan with Caleb, learning new things about him, it made me feel closer to him. It almost made me feel peaceful inside. “He’d be so surprised that I was hanging out here.”
“Nah,” Caleb said as he tugged on a lock of my hair. “He wouldn’t be surprised at all. I always told him I was going to ask you out one day. Even if I haven’t gotten around to it yet, I was getting there. I’ve just been waiting for you to be free to accept.”
His words were so completely unexpected that my mind temporarily stopped working. I had lifted my almost empty bottle to my mouth. It missed my lips and bumped off the side of my cheek.
Caleb laughed. “Oh, come on. Like you didn’t know.” I gave him a wary look, which only seemed to amuse him more. “When Evan used to live at home, it about killed me when you’d lie out in your backyard in your bikini. Or walk through your house in
those little pajama shorts of yours. That day at the river, with Tyler? Why in the hell do you think I needed to get in the water so fast after you stripped down?
“You might be Evan’s little sister, but I’ve always thought of you as more than that. You’re a gorgeous girl. You’re devoted to your family. You’re fun to be around.” He shrugged, like what he said was no big deal.
If that’s what he thought, he was wrong. It was a big deal to me.
“You told Evan you were going to ask me out?” He nodded. “But you never did because of…,” I faded off. Because of Noah. I didn’t want to say his name. I didn’t want to ruin the moment, even though I wasn’t exactly sure what this moment was.
Caleb simply nodded. He leaned over and plucked the nearly empty bottle out of my hand. I didn’t protest. He was probably right. I’d had enough. I wasn’t a big drinker and I was definitely feeling the effects.
The hazy feeling made me feel bold, unafraid to ask questions and unafraid of hearing Caleb’s answers. In this haze, I felt like nothing could hurt me, like nothing could go wrong.
“Can I ask you something?” I wondered.
“Ask away.”
“The other night…when you kissed me…did you mean to do that?”
“I don’t know. I didn’t think. I just acted. But if you’re asking if I wanted to kiss you, yeah. I did,” he admitted. “I’ve wanted it for a long time. But I shouldn’t have done it then. It was impulsive and under the circumstances, it was really wrong of me. Shit, Emory. I’ve had a thing for you for years. Evan used to give me hell for it all the time. Used to say he’d pound the shit out of me if I touched you.”
My eyebrows shot up. It was the only response I could muster. He had to be joking.
He laughed at my response. “Now, I like to think he didn’t really mean that. He just liked to talk tough, play the part of protective big brother. I mean, it was never really an issue. First because you were too young, and then because you weren’t available. I would like to think that if he were here, he’d give me his blessing.”
“His blessing for what?” I pushed.
Caleb shook his head at me. “I don’t think you really want to know the answer to that. Not tonight. Not when you’re not thinking straight and you’re head is all wrapped up in someone else.”
“I haven’t thought about anyone else pretty much since I sat down on this couch.” As hurt as I was that Noah had admitted he had feelings for someone else, I realized I was being a hypocrite. He wasn’t the only one who had feelings for someone else. Then night Caleb had kissed me, I realized I felt something for him.
I hadn’t been sure what that kiss mean, or if it had even meant anything. I’d convinced myself he’d been caught up in an emotional night.
“Shit,” Caleb mumbled. “You’re freaking out over what I said, aren’t you?”
I shook my head. “That’s not what I was thinking at all. I was thinking that I’m going to be staying here tonight. You know that, right?”
He cocked an eyebrow at me and I motioned toward the mess of bottles scattered in front of us. “What kind of an example would I be setting for my mother if I came home as trashed as she was?” Not to mention, how was I going to get there? I sure as hell wasn’t about to drive in my intoxicated state.
He smiled but it looked more sad than genuine. “Yeah, you’re staying here. But as for your mom, one of these days you’re going to have to confront her. It’s not doing anyone any good to continue to ignore the situation.”
“I know. I just don’t know what to do. Insist she check into rehab?”
He shrugged. “Why not? It’s a start. Like I’ve said, I’ll talk to her with you, if you want. I mean, I know it’s not really my place but I’d be willing to be there to support you.”
A feeling of warmth rushed through me. I lifted my hand to his cheek and stroked it with my thumb. “You’re really good to me. You know that?”
He reached up, taking my hand in his. He kissed the back of my fingers, his eyes never left mine. “That’s because I care about you. I always have.”
I could blame my actions on the alcohol, but that was just a small part of it. Caleb had been a part of my life for a long time. I felt safe with him. I trusted him. I hadn’t meant to, but somewhere along the way, I’d started to feel more than friendship for him.
I knew I was rebounding, but I just didn’t have it within me to care. Caleb made me feel good and I was tired of drowning in bad feelings and emotions. I wanted out, away from the miserable feeling that always seemed to engulf me.
Right then, Caleb felt like a way out.
When I closed my eyes and moved toward him, he didn’t hesitate. His hand slid behind my neck, guiding my mouth to his.
Chapter SEVENTEEN
“I know that this doesn’t mean anything to you…that it’s just a rebound. And I know I should be putting on the breaks. But damn, I don’t want to,” Caleb murmured in my ear.
“I’m not asking you to,” I assured him.
“I don’t want you to be pissed at me. And I sure as hell don’t want you to regret it,” he said softly.
I shook my head. “I won’t regret it. I want this. The night you kissed me…I knew it was wrong…but I wanted to kiss you back. I want this, too.”I ran my hand down his bare chest. His shirt was on the floor, next to the coffee table. Somewhere next to it, my own shirt also lay on the floor. I reached down, my fingers slid against the button of his jeans. He pulled in a choppy breath, and then his lips were on my neck. His fingers fluttered against my back as he unhooked my bra.
That first kiss had slowly escalated into more. He’d kissed me until I was breathless, until my body was aching for him. He’d kissed me and touched me until my need for him was the only thought that filled my head. I had felt more intoxicated by the feeling of his hands on my body than I had by the alcohol I’d consumed.
My fingers unbuttoning his jeans, that had been all the encouragement he’d needed. He’d scooped me off the couch and carried me down the hallway to his bedroom. He’d placed me on his bed and wasted no time joining me.
The memory of the night before flooded over me the moment I became conscious the next morning. It only took me a second to assess my surroundings. I was in an unfamiliar bedroom, wrapped up tightly in someone’s arms. I knew immediately that it wasn’t Noah. The scent of the faded cologne was all wrong.
And I’d only ever awakened in Noah’s arms twice.
Never in a room like this.
I let the memories of the night before play over once again. I waited for a feeling of guilt or regret. I felt neither. I felt pretty much nothing but numb. My thoughts eventually wandered to Noah. I couldn’t help but wonder if he was waking up in someone else’s arms too. I didn’t think he’d do that.
I hadn’t thought I would either. An unpleasant feeling slithered through me. And there it was. The guilt I’d been waiting to feel. Even though technically I’d done nothing wrong, this morning it didn’t feel exactly right either.
“Morning,” Caleb murmured into my hair. After a few moments of hesitation he said, “Can I ask what’s going through your head right now?”
“Honestly? It’s such a jumbled mess I couldn’t even tell you.”
“Well you’re still here, that’s a start. I was half expecting to find you gone when I woke up.”
I tensed. “Do you want me gone?” Maybe Caleb was used to one night stands that were gone by morning.
His arm tightened around me. “That’s not what I’m saying at all. You can stay as long as you want.”
I felt myself relax. The action put me a little tighter against Caleb’s chest. He didn’t seem to mind. His hand traveled along my hip, up my body, until he found my hand. It was curled into a fist against my stomach. He gently pried my fingers apart, tangling them with his.
“Tell me what you’re feeling,” Caleb commanded. “Are you mad at me? I feel like I took advantage of the situation.” His thumb circled the back o
f my hand. The small movement was oddly relaxing.
I shook my head. “I’m not mad at all. And if anyone took advantage of the situation, it was me.” This morning, I realized with clarity, that I may have been using Caleb to get Noah out of my head, to chase a little bit of the hurt away. On the other hand, I was pretty sure that Caleb was already well-aware of that.
He let out a sigh of relief. “Good. So you’re doing okay?”
I let out a little laugh. “If I tell you something, do you promise you’ll try not to take it the wrong way?”
“I promise.”
“I feel like I should feel guilty, or embarrassed, or like I should regret last night.” I shrugged. “But I don’t. I feel like I should be completely shattered over what happened with Noah, but I just feel…numb.”
“Do you want to hear my take on things?” he asked.
“Sure.”
“I think,” he said slowly, “that when someone suffers a loss so huge, like a death, it kind of desensitizes you. I was dating this girl; her name was Kristy, when Evan died. I’ll give her credit. She stuck with me for awhile. But like your mom, I started this downward spiral. She tried talking to me, she put up with me for months. I think she realized I wasn’t going to change just because she asked me to. She left me. I loved her. I was sure that I did. But I think I was so used to hurting all the time, so used to that gut-wrenching ache of missing Evan, that by the time she left, I barely felt anything at all.”
“You were numb to the pain.”
“Exactly.”
“And you think that’s what’s going on with Noah?”
“I think there’s a damn good chance that some hearts are so used to hurting, that they barely register a new break.”
I took a moment to think about what he’d said. It made sense. How much could one heart take? How many times could it break before there was nothing left of it?
I didn’t want to think about Noah, or our break-up right then. That felt wrong when I was still in Caleb’s arms, in his bed. Instead, I wanted to learn more about him.