Towards the Within

by Reece Willis

  I was a heartbeat from exiting when a waiter came over and asked if he could help. I told him that I came to see Shekhar. 'Ah, yes, sir. Please, follow me.' He looked me up and down, then led me to a large table laid out with a white muslin cloth, silver cutlery and a reserved sign placed in the middle. As I sat down, I caught sight of other customers whispering behind their hands and throwing me puzzled looks.

  Shekhar came in wearing a smart black suit and spoke to one of his staff. I was behind a jali screen and could see him clearly without being seen myself. The waiter nodded in my direction, Shekhar's head followed suit. He breezed over, 'Sam, great you came, I hoped you would.' I rose from the table and shook his hand. 'I am feeling very good this evening. I have had a big deal go through today that sees me taking my sauce range internationally.'

  'That's great news, congratulations.' I toasted my glass with his.

  'Would you allow me to choose for you, Sam?' He picked up the menu while the waiter hovered, pen in hand scribbling across the pad as Shekhar rolled off the order. 'So, how are you finding Aurangabad?'

  I said that I hadn't seen much and was hoping to explore a bit more in the morning. I helped myself to servings of a chicken dish and rice as he spoke. 'I like to keep my food as traditional as possible. The chicken dish you have on your plate is Murg Norrjeha and is Mughlai, garnished with dried fruits and nuts. The rice is Biryani Badshahi, slow-cooked, rich and fragrant with sliced onions and garlic and a variety of spices including saffron which gives the rice that wonderful golden colour.'

  We were nearing the end of our meal when he asked about my finances. I told him I hadn't much money left as I was nearing the end of my trip. 'Now that I have expanded my business I will need more trustworthy people like yourself,' he said, lowering his napkin to the table. 'I need somebody to take charge of the security of some of my stock to and from various countries.

  You would be paid extremely well and would need to start almost immediately. We will sort out any visas and travel arrangements as required. Please don't answer now, have the night to think about it. I am flying to Abu Dhabi tomorrow. If you are interested, come by the restaurant at seven in the morning and we will talk further.'

  I left for my hotel in a slight spin. A successful career at my fingertips? It was hard to say no. Apart from my mother, there was nothing left for me in England and the thought of travelling the world was reason enough to seal the deal. I set the alarm for five thirty, giving the decision time to sink in.

  46

  Looking in the mirror as I shaved I had no idea what lay before me. I imagined myself in an expensive suit, important and respected. Respected? This was it, everything I could have dreamed of. I could turn my back on the past and walk on, head held high. Washing away the last stripes of foam, I smiled, at last glad to be me.

  The sun touched the streets and unearthed what the night hid so well. Roadside shacks, darkness warming to light, life emerging from within. Happiness shone in the faces of dusty children, hope and despair in the eyes of the parents. Piece by piece life assembled itself complete.

  My auto wallah, Muhamud, was humming throughout the short ride to Shekhar’s restaurant. On arrival, we drew to a stop on the opposite side of the road. I didn't get out. Instead, both Muhamud and I looked on at the commotion that was occurring outside. Police were everywhere, mostly surrounding Shekhar's business. I asked Muhamud if he knew what was happening. He shrugged his shoulders, 'Maybe I find out from over there.' A crowd had gathered nearby. He got out and spoke with a couple of onlookers and returned to the rickshaw. 'Police are making early morning search on restaurant. They are arresting and seizing all assets from a Kanwal Shekhar on suspicion of money laundering and drug trafficking.'

  Surely there had been an error. I just couldn’t believe this of Shekhar, but as he was escorted from the restaurant, head down and hands cuffed behind his back, it was evident there'd been no mistake. He was thrust into the back of a white van and the doors slammed behind him.

  'Sir, are you wanting me to take you to other place?' Muhamud asked.

  I invited him to join me for chai. I was too stunned to eat. 'Did you know Shekhar?' I enquired, as we sipped the tea together alongside a quiet chai stall.

  'No, but it is much shocking news. From what I am hearing, he was very wealthy and very popular man. People are being most surprise at this.'

  It was shocking. He'd had me completely fooled. I thought about the job offer and shuddered to think about the stock I was supposed to be responsible for. An amazing life had been handed to me on a magic carpet and whipped from under my feet in an instant.

  Muhamud stopped off at the bus station so I could buy my ticket back to Mumbai. I stared at the bench where Shekhar and I sat only yesterday and wondered about the alternative, relieved I hadn’t become a part of his affairs, but disappointed that the chance at an exciting new life had been so fleeting. The next bus journey would take me one step closer to going home and I had no clue as to the direction my life would take once I got back there. I couldn’t see anything positive, only a grim reminder of my empty existence.

  I arrived back into the breathing belly of Mumbai and took a taxi to Connor's apartment. He was on a high about a party at the Elephanta Caves he’d gone to with his cousin and I had barely got through the door when he started telling me about it.

  'You should have been there man. We got a ferry and didn't get back until seven in the morning. Hey, you want some breakfast? I was just about to head over to my mother’s.'

  ‘Yeah, that would be nice. I’ve missed your mum’s cooking. It’s been so hard to eat over the last few days.’ I didn't tell Connor about my grandfather. It was so good to see him again and I didn't want my last days with him marred. At the Reveredo home, Patrice teased Titiana about a boy from college who kept showing up at their door, while I did my best to bypass any questions about Kashmir from Louis.

  Mrs Reveredo came in, 'I have taken the liberty of hiring you a suit. I gathered measurements from your clothes so it should fit you. You will go to the barber shop you went to when you first arrived and get a good shave. It has already been paid for. You two must be presentable for this evening, it is very important to me.' She left and we looked at each other and laughed. 'Something funny boys?' she said, reappearing with a frown.

  The whole family including grandma were in attendance; the girls in bright glittering saris, the boys in black suits and bow ties. Connor left us to set up on stage with the band as we sat at one of the many round tables. It was a charity function, set up by Mrs Reveredo in aid of Mumbai's disadvantaged and homeless.

  'Tonight, everything is taken care of, which leaves me to enjoy the benefit. I have only to make a speech at the end of the evening,' she said. She'd been working for three months in preparation for this night Tatiana told me. Although she was supposed to relax, Mrs Reveredo couldn't help but interrupt a waiter every now and then to comment on a crease in his shirt or a watermark on a glass.

  The evening was filled with music and speeches, and Connor joined us once or twice where he could. Mrs Reveredo was surprised to be the recipient of an award for services to the community. She blushed and wiped a tear from her eye as she made heartfelt thanks.

  'She's been working so hard to re-home people on the streets for over ten years now,' Radhika said as we finished the last dance.

  We sat at a table and waited for Connor to pack away his kit. 'He loves his music, huh? Nearly as much as travel,' I said.

  'Oh yes, I've long accepted the package of him and his music,' she laughed. 'He still wants to travel, so I suggested we could go together which he seems fine with. Fingers crossed, we might well be on the road to recovery.'

  ‘I’m so pleased. Are you happy to do more travelling though?’

  ‘I want to be with Connor and I think it will be good for me. Listen, Connor has to work tomorrow, so how about we have a proper catch-up?’

  ‘I’d like that,’ I smiled.

  ‘Me too,
’ she took my hand and squeezed gently. ‘See you tomorrow.’

  47

  Radhika met me at the station in Thane, north Mumbai and took me along to her apartment where she introduced me to her mother and brother. After lunch laid out on banana leaves, she said, 'There’s a nice little place not far from here if you fancy a coffee.’

  Settling into a couch in a quiet corner, I stared into my milky coffee.

  'Are you okay Sam, you look, how should I say, lost?'

  'I’m fine. I should be able to find my way home from here.'

  'No, I mean, you look sad, confused. I don't know, I'm probably being silly, but if you need to talk... I owe you that much. You've helped me and Connor a lot, I'm not sure we'd be together without you.'

  'You guys are stronger than you think,’ I glanced nervously around the room, while considering whether to pour the secrets that had been bottled up for so long. It wasn’t an easy decision, but before I could make it, I unconsciously blurted out, ‘My granddad died a few days ago.'

  'Oh, I’m so sorry. Were you close?'

  'Um, once, yes, but that seems like a lifetime ago.’ She remained quiet, giving me time to continue at my own pace. ‘He drank. I suppose you’d call him an alcoholic. Not that anyone ever openly acknowledged that. I’m sure my grandmother must have known, but she pretended otherwise; went along with the pretence. No good would have come from her challenging him, so she kept quiet and played the unsuspecting wife; turned a blind eye.’

  ‘He drank a lot?’

  ‘You could say that. I’m not sure how much exactly, but he used to hide bottles of wine and spirits around the house and drank them while nan was out or asleep. He’d drink a certain amount in front of her, a couple of glasses of red with dinner, maybe one at lunch. They’d often share a bottle of wine and it would all appear quite normal. Except he then drank a lot more on the quiet. He kept some bottles in my room, the one I used when I was sent to stay with them and he’d creep in to get them in the middle of the night.’

  Already I felt like I’d said too much and was apprehensive about laying myself bare to someone I hardly knew. I trusted Radhika, but would I come to regret the hangover of this conversation if I let it continue down this path? I was thinking too much. The need to talk and share this burden with someone far outweighed any negative consequences in the aftermath. I had seen Radhika at one of her lowest points and it had forged a silent bond between us, an understanding that life can take you to some very dark places. If I didn’t speak now I couldn’t imagine when such an opportunity would present itself again.

  I took my chances, ‘I used to love going to stay with my nan and granddad, which was mainly at weekends – Friday to Sunday. Some Saturdays Nan would take me to Hamley’s on Regent Street in London to see the moving window displays and explore the endless toy shop within. Or we’d meet up with her millionaire friend, Kitty, and share time in the buffet cart of the first-class section of the train. The two of us would usually end up having coffee at Victoria Station or watching a Laurel and Hardy short in the mini cinema booth in the station foyer.

  ‘I remember the day it all changed though. We were at a family get together – my parents, me and my grandparents –at a pub in Sydenham. My grandparents announced they were retiring to Belgium. Towards the end of the meal, my grandfather got up and headed to the toilet. I followed after him. I looked up to him and wanted to grow up to be like him. When I caught up with him he was standing just inside the toilet with a lit cigarette between his fingers. He brought it up to his mouth and inhaled then took a swig from a hip flask. I had no idea he smoked. As soon as he saw me he flicked the cigarette down the urinal and put away the flask. I knew something wasn't right in that instant and I quickly turned away and went back to the others.

  ‘He returned to the table red faced and did his best to resume conversation in the same mood as when he left. In hindsight, I think I should have tried to reassure him somehow, convince him that his covert operations were not under any threat from me. Then again, would it have made any difference? I was the unchosen keeper of a secret he was determined to preserve. A secret so overvalued that it reigned supreme. The next time I saw him was in Ostend; I was sent there for the school holidays. For the first day or so he was fine, but then it started.'

  'What started, Sam?' I tried to speak, but began stuttering, as I often did when I fell into my past. I slowed my breathing, which worked a little. 'It’s okay, take your time,' she said softly, putting her hand on my arm in reassurance.

  ‘At first it was the odd kick under the table, quick pinch as I walked past him or a flick of the ear. I guess it was his way of showing who was boss, but the more he saw how weak I was, the worse it became.’ I sighed, ‘He came into my room at night and smothered me under the bed covers until I couldn’t breathe, all the while punching me at various points around my body and my head. I daren’t scream or make any other noise.

  ‘Once when my nan was out he whacked me so hard with a piece of wood I lost consciousness. It was always when we were alone in the flat or at night when my nan was in bed. He tried to drown me in the bath on several occasions and liked to flush my head down the toilet. He held my head down on a hot stove and dangled me upside down over the balcony. He even held knives up to my throat and threatened to pull my teeth out with a pair of pliers.’ I didn’t look up to see her face and the expression it held; sympathy, disgust maybe; all the things I dreaded. ‘Hey, I’m sorry, you don’t want to hear any of this. You’ve invited me into your home and I’ve had a wonderful...'

  ‘Sam, it’s fine,’ she said in a calm, even tone. ‘We’re good friends, right? And that’s what good friends are for, to be there for each other, as you were for me.’

  Inside I was bowing to the force of a fierce gale, afraid at any moment my grandfather might reappear and reprimand me, but I continued nonetheless, ‘One occasion in particular stands out when I was about twelve. My nan had gone out shopping so I was alone with my grandfather. I was standing at the back door in the kitchen eating a ham and pickle sandwich, looking out to the top of the church steeple that faced the back of their apartment. Suddenly I heard a metal scraping sound and before I even had time to register what it was, I felt an almighty thud to the back of my head, which caused me to hit the window frame. I felt immediate swelling and an agonising ache all around my skull.

  ‘I stood for a moment with my hand on the glass, and through the pulsating pain, I heard my grandfather's voice from behind me telling me to get my hands off the window at once because I was leaving finger marks. I was finding it difficult to retain balance. Fear hadn’t registered at this point. I had no time to figure out what was going on before my legs gave way beneath me and I slumped to the floor. The hair on the back of my head was damp and I felt trickling down my neck. I was ordered to get up and stop acting like a wimp or I'd be in big trouble. The headache was excruciating and my brain felt as if it was going to explode from the pressure around it.

  ‘Tears fell and I whimpered. He hit me again, then booted me hard in the back. I managed to gain some sense of composure, adrenaline kicked in I guess and I pulled myself up using the sideboard as support. At this point I was now facing him and witnessed him placing the frying pan down on the cooker. A thousand tiny pins of light were piercing the darkness of my vision; pain whistled through my ears. I felt an overwhelming sense of nausea and all I wanted was to get to the bathroom.

  ‘He walked calmly back into the living room and closed the door behind him. This was my one chance and I grabbed at anything around – the dining table, chairs, a bookshelf– to assist my journey to safety. Inside the bathroom, I closed the door behind me and slid the lock across. For a while at least I would be safe and I fell back and passed out.’

  Radhika looked at me in disbelief. Around us was crowded chatter from the other tables, the sounds of people stirring sugar into coffee and resting their spoons on the hard surface of the tables. A child slurped up the last drops of a milks
hake and kept sucking on the straw in case more of the chocolate flavoured treat would magically appear at the bottom of the glass. I felt so alienated from the normality around me. I was ready to end the story here, but Radhika urged me to continue.

  ‘I wasn't sure how long I'd been unconscious, but it can't have been that long as I couldn’t hear my nan's voice, so she’d not yet returned. The pain in my head was unbearable, I'd never felt anything like it in my life. I tried to investigate the damage with my fingers and felt a cut and large bump on the back of my head. It was then I noticed the wet patch on my trousers and I began to sob uncontrollably. I felt scared and humiliated. Outside I heard shuffling and my grandfather’s slurred voice asking me what I was doing. I was running out of time and had to pull myself together or I’d be in even bigger trouble.

  ‘I told him I wouldn't be long and I summoned the determination to clean myself up, in preparation for my nan coming home. Tepid water filled the sink and I began cleaning the back of my head and neck. When I’d finished, the water was dark pink and I drained it satisfied there was no more blood. I patted my hair gently to dry it, then sat wondering what to do next. Was he lurking on the other side of the door to hurt me? I couldn’t go through that again, but neither could I stay in the bathroom forever, so I took a deep breath and slid back the lock, then opened the door.

  ‘He wasn't there so I crept out and made my way to my room as quietly and quickly as I could. Tears fell again as I got to my bed and I laid down, curled up and closed my eyes. Sometime later I heard my nan talking to my granddad. She asked where I was, then she came into my room. With my back to her I pretended to be asleep, concealing the rear of my head deep in the pillow. I heard the door close and I breathed a sigh of relief. I'd managed to fool her.’

  ‘What happened for the rest of your time there?’ Radhika enquired. ‘Didn’t your nan notice your injuries?’