by Jan Drexler
As much as he disapproved of Jonas’s term in the military, in some ways Levi envied him. He was doing something with his life, and when he returned home he would marry Katie and start a family. Meanwhile, Levi felt like he was stuck. Each year followed the ones that had gone before with no change in his life. For sure, he could read and study, but where was that leading him? He had no guarantee that he would ever be a minister. Perhaps the Lord wasn’t calling him in that direction after all.
Millie dropped behind their parents and nudged his shoulder. “I have a favor to ask you.”
His sister walked slower, letting Mother and Father go ahead until they were far enough away that they wouldn’t hear their conversation.
“I’m not going to talk to any boys for you.” Levi grinned.
Millie blushed as she threaded her hand through his elbow. “That isn’t what I wanted to ask you.” She stopped in the road, turning him to face her. “Would you mind staying home from the Singing tonight?”
“Father wouldn’t want me to. He says I need to go to the Singings to meet the right girl.”
“But you never do. You never take anyone home.”
“That doesn’t matter.”
Millie nodded. She knew as well as he did that no one argued with Father when he had made up his mind. They started walking again, passing Elizabeth Kaufman’s house as they crested the hill leading out of the Weaver’s Creek valley. Home was only a mile farther.
“Why do you want me to stay home?”
“There’s a boy that I want to get to know better, but he won’t talk to me if you’re around.”
Levi wiped the perspiration off his nose. The day was warm and humid. “I’m not that scary, am I?”
“He thinks you might be like Father. I’ve told him you aren’t, but he is still intimidated by you.”
“If I stay home, how will you get to the Singing?”
“Becky will come by on her way, with Henry. He’ll walk with both of us.”
Becky’s brother Henry was one of Levi’s best friends.
“Who is this boy, anyway? I thought Caleb Lehman was interested in you.”
“Caleb only has his mind on horses. Whenever he walks me home from a Singing, all he talks about is the new horse he’s training. If he thinks that is enough to court me, he’s wrong.”
Levi chuckled, thinking he had better give Caleb a word of advice the next time they saw each other. “This fellow must be new.”
“He is Becky’s cousin, Wilmer. He’s staying with their family for a few weeks. You must have seen him with Henry at the meeting today.”
Levi had spent most of his time talking with Gideon and Abraham, but he had seen the stranger with Henry. “He’s from up at Oak Grove, isn’t he? From the family Rosie was visiting when she met that Schrock boy she ended up marrying?”
“That’s exactly why Wilmer doesn’t want to talk to me when you’re around. He knows you had been thinking of marrying Rosie and is afraid you’re angry with the whole family.”
“I don’t hold any grudges about that. I’ve realized that Rosie was never the girl for me.” Levi looked sideways at his sister. Her chin was set in that stubborn way he knew so well. “But I would stay away from those Oak Grove fellows. That congregation is change-minded. They don’t think it’s important to stick to the old ways.”
“Wilmer is right. You do sound like Father.” She met his gaze. “But I’m not like you and Father. I think the old ways are over and done. We don’t have to live like this anymore, do we? Why can’t we wear nicer clothes and—” She closed her mouth.
“And what?”
Millie sighed. “I want to have pretty things and have fun. I hate obeying all these rules.”
“I remember you saying the opposite last year, when you admired everything Father said and did. I think this Wilmer has turned your head in more ways than one.”
She shook her head. “I haven’t talked with Wilmer about this at all. I’ve only started thinking for myself. Is there anything wrong with that?”
“Not in itself.” Levi thought back to the book he had borrowed from Gideon. “But wanting fancy clothes and such shows a love for the world that can pull you away from the things of God.”
“Maybe I don’t think God is all that important. I can always worry about him when I’m older.”
Levi stared at her. He had had no thought that she held such ideas.
“What about tonight?” she asked, reminding him of her first question. “Will you stay home? We can pretend you’ve gone with me so that Father doesn’t ask you about it.”
“I’m not going to lie to Father.”
“It wouldn’t be a lie. We’re just keeping Father happy.”
Levi increased his pace as they neared their house. “I’m not going to lie, but I’ll stay home and let Father think what he will. I have a book I want to read and that will keep me busy.”
Like most Sunday afternoons, Mother went into her bedroom to lie down for a rest and Father closed himself in his study, so when Millie left for the Singing with Becky and Henry, neither of his parents saw Levi slip up to his own room. He sat in his chair with the big book open on his desk and found the spot where he had left off reading last night.
He heard Mother in the kitchen but didn’t pay attention to the familiar sounds. Then her footsteps clicked on the wooden floor as she walked from the kitchen to the door of Father’s study at the bottom of the stairs.
“Amos, now that the children have gone to the Singing, I need to talk to you about something.” Levi heard Mother open the study door. “It’s that Ruby Weaver. Did you see her today?”
“What about her?”
Father sounded a little irritated, just like he did when Levi interrupted him. Levi could see him in his imagination, turning in his chair and looking toward the door.
“Did you see the way she was caring for those new children as if they were her own?”
“I had heard that she was helping with the children while the mother was ill.”
Mother’s voice rose. “But did you see her with that Gideon Fischer? It was scandalous.”
Levi suddenly realized he was eavesdropping. If he rose to close the door, though, they would realize he was here, and then he would be on Father’s bad side again. He decided to try to concentrate on his reading.
“I saw them talking together,” Father said. “I understand that Lydia stayed home with the sick woman today. She was probably only asking him a question about the children.”
“It just isn’t proper. The poor woman isn’t even dead yet and Ruby Weaver has already claimed her husband.”
Father’s chair squeaked as he shifted in it. “Do you think it is something we should be concerned about? Surely Abraham is aware of what is going on under his own roof and can stop things before they go too far.”
Mother sniffed. “You and I both know how quickly things can go too far.”
Levi put his finger on the page. What did she mean by that?
“Salome, that wasn’t my fault.”
“Do you think it was mine? I was an innocent young girl.”
“You weren’t so innocent, if I remember right. Besides, I was a widower with three young boys. Our situation was different.”
Levi couldn’t stop listening. They were talking about the time before he was born, when the family still lived in Pennsylvania.
“Not that different. Gideon Fischer will be a widower soon. And even though Ruby doesn’t live with him now, what will he do when he leaves the Weavers’ home? He won’t be able to care for those children by himself. He’ll ask her to continue to help him, and you know what that means.”
“So, they will marry. No one will blame them.”
“What if—” Mother’s words broke off and Levi strained to hear what she was going to say next. “If they don’t marry, then you will need to confront them. You know that. It is your duty as a minister.”
“That is the deacon’s job, not mine.”
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br /> “But the minister will be involved.”
Silence. Father’s toe tapped against the floor the way it always did when he was thinking through a problem. “You might be wrong, Salome. We don’t know if anything has happened, or if it will happen. We will have to wait and see.”
“Gideon Fischer is a man, just like you. And Ruby Weaver is past the marrying age. If I was her, I would be desperate to find a man and hold on to him.”
“You were her. Have you forgotten why we had to leave Pennsylvania? No one believed that Levi was born three months early.”
Now Mother’s toe tapped the floor. She was irritated. “I’m not the one who decided to sneak around the house at night.”
“I’m not the one who left the bedroom door open and a light burning.”
They were silent. Levi could imagine the glare they were giving each other.
When Mother spoke again, her voice was hesitant. “If things had happened differently, would you have still married me?”
“You mean if Levi hadn’t come along?” Father’s chair scraped on the floor. “We’ll never know the answer to that question, so there is no use asking it. You have your son and the daughter you wanted, and the scandal didn’t follow us to Ohio. We don’t need to bring it up again.”
The conversation faded, but Levi didn’t want to hear more. His stomach churned, and his skin was clammy. He leaned over with his head between his knees, waiting for the dizzy feeling to disappear. Mother . . . and . . . and Father. . . . He swallowed. No wonder Father had never been proud of him like he was of his other sons. Levi was the source of shame and disgrace for the family, and the reason they had left their home in Pennsylvania. Nothing he could do would make that right or change Father’s opinion of him.
Late Sunday evening, Lovinia’s health took a turn downward. Gideon was shocked by the gray pallor of her skin and the way her eyes seemed sunken, her cheekbones standing out in high relief.
Monday passed quickly. Tuesday came, and then it was gone too. Each hour emptied itself relentlessly as Gideon sat by Lovinia’s bed. She slept nearly all the time now, as if life itself exhausted her body. Gideon read sometimes, trying to find answers in God’s Word or in the writings of Ulrich Zwingli, the early Anabaptist theologian. Sometimes he stood at the window of the little bedroom, watching the children play or the crops growing in the summer sunshine.
The promise he had made to Lovinia was ever foremost in his mind. The promise he couldn’t think of keeping. Lovinia was his wife and he couldn’t consider marrying another. That would betray his love for her, his vows to her. He couldn’t imagine being one with another woman the way he was with Lovinia. She knew his thoughts before they entered his mind. She knew his moods before he could express them. She knew his deepest fears and his struggle with sin . . . How could he ever be as close to someone else? A stranger? When Lovinia passed on, part of him would die too. He couldn’t—wouldn’t—share his life with another again.
Gideon didn’t dare nap while Lovinia slept. He waited for the moments when Lovinia’s eyes would flutter open. Then she would smile at him. He would spoon some water between her dry lips or feed her some of the nourishing broth Lydia kept hot on the stove, even though the kitchen was sweltering with the extra heat. But she would stay awake for only a few minutes before her eyes closed again.
By Wednesday, when there was still no change, Lydia came upstairs at midmorning.
“Gideon, you need to get out of this room for a while. I will stay with your wife, but you need to take a walk. Get some fresh air. Talk with your children. It won’t do Lovinia or your family a speck of good if you don’t take care of yourself.”
Gideon closed his eyes. “I can’t leave. What if . . . what if the end comes, and I’m not here?”
Lydia laid a hand on his shoulder. “She will pass on knowing that you love her. I will not leave her alone, but you must have some rest before you come back to your vigil.”
The older woman’s touch stopped his protests.
Resigned, he said, “You’re right. I should spend a few minutes with the children. I’ve been neglecting them.”
“Ruby took them up to Elizabeth’s for the day. She said it was time she helped with the chores at her own home, but I think she is trying to distract them.” Lydia patted his shoulder before she stepped to the window to raise the sash. “They know what is happening here, and they feel your absence.”
Gideon stood. Lovinia hadn’t stirred since early morning when he and Lydia had changed the linens on the bed and he had fed her some sweet porridge for breakfast.
“Perhaps you’re right. I won’t be gone long, though. No more than a quarter hour.” He stroked the paper-like skin on Lovinia’s cheek. She seemed to be sleeping peacefully.
“I won’t let you back into this house until an entire hour has passed.” Lydia frowned at him, then sighed. “I will send word to you if there is any change, but I’m sure she will sleep until dinnertime, at least.”
Gideon left the house, the fresh fragrance of lilacs awakening his senses to the early summer world outside Lovinia’s room. He had grown used to the odor of perspiration, decay, and . . . death. He shook his head and took a deep breath. Lydia was right. He needed a break but then caught himself. A break? When did Lovinia get a break? How could he think of escaping from her sickroom when she couldn’t? He nearly turned to go back into the house, but the thought of Lydia’s reaction stopped him. She would only turn him around and make him go out again.
He looked up the hill. Ruby lived somewhere in that direction with her sister, and that was where he could find the children. As he started walking, his stiff muscles loosened, and he rolled his shoulders to stretch them more. The days of inactivity were taking their toll. Again, the thought of Lovinia confined to her bed swept over him and he longed to go back to her, but he turned his mind toward his children. Crossing the stone bridge, he turned onto the dirt road and walked up the hill.
As he approached the top, where the gentle slope climbed out of the shallow valley, he heard voices. On the right, set back from the road, sat an old log cabin, its door propped open to the morning air and sunshine. Beyond it was a large garden where his children and Ruby were working, digging in the dirt. Another woman sat in the shade of an apple tree with Daniel on her lap. Laughter filled the air.
“Daed!” Roseanna spied him before the others. “Come see what we’re doing. Ruby says the one who finds the most grubs gets to choose what kind of cake to make.”
Ruby straightened, shading her eyes with one hand. Her hair was even messier than usual, escaping from the scarf she had tied around her head. Like the children, her feet were bare, and the breeze blew her dark green skirt and black apron around her legs.
“Is everything all right?” she asked as he came closer, Roseanna tugging at his hand. Ruby’s gaze held her concern.
“For sure. Lovinia is sleeping peacefully this morning, so I thought I would spend some time with the children while Lydia sits with her.”
He met her eyes and tried to give her a reassuring smile. Roseanna let go of his hand to join Sophia as she dug in the soft dirt.
Ruby stepped closer to him, keeping her voice low so the children wouldn’t hear. “I was worried when I saw you walking up the hill alone. You’ve been spending all your time at her side, and I didn’t think you would leave unless . . .” She glanced at the children again.
“Your mother shoved me out of the house. I think she’s worried about me.”
“We all are.” Ruby’s brow rose as Sophia shrieked at the sight of another grub. “I brought the children up here to meet Elizabeth and give them something different to do, and they’re having a wonderful time.”
“Come see,” Ezra said, running over to Gideon and pulling on his trouser leg. “My grubs. Come see.”
Gideon followed his son to the edge of the garden plot where Ruby’s sister sat with Daniel. Three flat stones at her feet held a collection of white grubs, curled tightly again
st their exposed location.
“I have ten,” Ezra said, holding up two fingers.
Roseanna grabbed her brother’s hand and forced one more finger to join the others. “You have three, Ezra. Three. One, two, three.”
“I have two.” Sophia said, squatting next to her stone. “I hate them.” She poked at one with a stick.
“I found five,” Roseanna said. She picked one up. “You can have one of mine, Sophia. Then you and Ezra will have the same.”
Gideon nodded to the woman who was holding Daniel. “I’m Gideon Fischer.”
“Elizabeth Kaufman.” Her voice was soft. “I’m sorry I haven’t come down to the folks’ house to meet you. The garden has been keeping me busy.”
“I don’t think I met you at Sunday Meeting, did I?”
She blushed, turning her gaze away from him and focusing on Daniel. “I don’t go to Meeting. My husband wouldn’t like it.”
Before Gideon could ask her about her husband, another shriek rose from Sophia.
“Ne, ne, Ezra. Don’t pick it up.”
Ezra didn’t react to his sister’s yells as he snatched a grub from his pile and squeezed it, fascinated as the sticky ooze covered his fingers.
“Eww!” Roseanna turned toward Gideon, her eyes wide with panic.
He turned her away from Ezra, holding her, while Ruby grasped Ezra’s hand before he could reach for another grub.
“Sophia, stop crying,” Ruby said over the din, wiping Ezra’s hand with her apron.
“But it’s so . . . awful,” Sophia said between sobs.
Now all three children were crying, and on Elizabeth’s lap, Daniel’s mouth turned down, ready to add his voice to the noise. Gideon looked from child to child, helpless in the bedlam.
“Come with me.” Ruby took Ezra and Sophia by the hands and led them away from the grubs. “Roseanna, you come too.”
She sat down on the grass by Elizabeth, pulling Sophia onto her lap. Ezra screamed with frustration, reaching for the grubs, while Roseanna sat next to Ruby, as far from her little brother as she could get.