by Jan Drexler
“Gideon, would you take the grubs to the chickens? I think it would be best if they were out of sight.” Her calm voice pierced through the children’s crying.
As he gathered up the grubs, Ezra’s angry howls subsided. At Ruby’s suggestion, the little boy followed Gideon to the chicken coop and helped drop the grubs on the ground for the hungry birds. By the time they returned, the girls had stopped crying, but Roseanna still glared at Ezra.
Gideon watched Ruby as she settled Ezra next to her again.
“Boys will be boys, won’t they?” she asked Roseanna, smoothing the girl’s hair.
“Boys are awful.”
“God made Ezra different than you are. He is curious, and he isn’t afraid to get his hands dirty.”
Roseanna made a face.
“Why, Ruby?” Sophia asked. “Why can’t Ezra be like us?”
“You didn’t like the grubs, did you, Sophia?”
His daughter shook her head.
“What if, when Ezra was a man, he didn’t like to take care of a sick animal or dig in the dirt? He wouldn’t be a very good farmer, would he?”
Roseanna looked thoughtful. “So, God made Ezra like yucky things on purpose?”
Ruby smiled. “God doesn’t make accidents. Ezra is just the way he should be, just like you are the way you should be.”
Sophia settled against Ruby, while Roseanna picked a dandelion. Gideon sat on the grass nearby and Daniel crawled over to his lap. As a robin flew up to a branch above his head, Gideon thought about what had just happened. Ruby had dealt with his upset children with patience and grace while his first response had been anger. He would have punished Ezra for starting the whole thing, but Ruby was right. He was only a curious little boy.
More than that, Ruby responded the way Lovinia would have. The way a mother would have.
He glanced at the headstrong, red-haired woman as she showed his daughters how to make a chain with the dandelions they found.
Lovinia was right. His children needed a mother. Not just someone to feed them and wash their clothes, but a mother who understood them and loved them. A mother who would nurture them and help them grow into men and women. They needed Ruby.
Gideon sighed, resigned. He would keep his promise to Lovinia. He would marry again. He would even marry Ruby, if the woman would have him. At least he liked her, even if he couldn’t imagine her as his wife.
Perhaps in a year or two, he would keep that promise.
5
The next day, when Ruby visited Lovinia, the change in her appearance drove home how quickly her friend would be leaving them. The sick woman seemed to have sunk into the bedding, she had lost so much flesh so quickly. Ruby slipped into the chair Gideon vacated as he went to the kitchen to have breakfast with the children and took Lovinia’s thin, pale hand in her own.
Her friend’s eyes fluttered open. “Ruby? What day is it?”
“It’s Thursday.”
“How are the . . .” Lovinia stopped talking to pull in a breath.
“The children?” Ruby finished her question. “They are fine, but they miss you. I’ve been trying to keep them busy.”
“I want to see them.” Lovinia struggled to sit up and Ruby tucked another pillow behind her back. “I need to . . .” She took another breath. “. . . say goodbye.”
“I’ll bring them upstairs after they have finished their breakfast.”
Ruby tucked in the edges of the blanket, making sure Lovinia wouldn’t get chilled, then opened the window to the fresh June air. The day promised to be hot. She returned to her seat and offered Lovinia a drink of water, spooning the liquid into her mouth. When she had finished drinking, Lovinia closed her eyes.
“You will remember your promise?” she asked, her eyes still closed.
“Ja, for sure I will remember.”
“When I’m gone, Gideon will try to talk you out of it.”
Ruby smiled and squeezed Lovinia’s hand. “Don’t worry about that now. We will make sure the children are taken care of.”
Lovinia was quiet then, and Ruby thought she had gone to sleep. She refused to think about marrying Gideon right now. The most important thing was that Lovinia’s time was short. Like Gideon, she only wanted Lovinia’s last days and hours to be peaceful.
“He will think he’s betraying me by marrying you.”
“That’s just what he said.”
Gideon’s footsteps sounded in the doorway. Ruby hadn’t heard him climbing the stairs, but his presence brought strength into the room.
“What did I say?”
Lovinia opened her eyes and smiled at Ruby, sharing the joke between them.
Ruby smiled back and kissed her friend’s forehead. “I’ll bring the children up to see you as soon as they’re done eating.”
She left Gideon and Lovinia talking together and went downstairs. Daniel still sat in his chair, eating a crust of bread, while Ezra finished a piece of toast. Mamm and the girls were washing the dishes.
“What are we going to do today?” Roseanna asked when she saw Ruby. “Are we going to work in your garden again?”
“First, we’re going to visit your mother.”
Roseanna frowned, but Sophia grinned.
“Can she play a game with us?” Sophia ran to take Ruby’s hand. “Is she better now?”
Ruby swallowed, thinking of the pale woman in the bed upstairs, her flesh wasting away as death drew near. “She isn’t better. She is still very sick, but she misses you and wants to see you.”
Mamm took her hands from the dishwater and wiped them on a towel. “You had better go right away, then, before she falls asleep again.”
Mamm wiped Ezra’s hands while Ruby cleaned up Daniel with a wet rag. Mamm drew close to Ruby. “Don’t let them stay too long. Lovinia gets tired very easily.”
Ruby nodded as she lifted Daniel into her arms. She took Ezra’s hand and led the way to Lovinia’s room upstairs.
When they reached the doorway, Ezra pulled away from Ruby and ran to the bed, climbing on it before Gideon could stop him. Lovinia, smiling, waved his help away as she put one arm around her son, holding him close. Roseanna and Sophia stood next to the bed and Lovinia let her free hand touch each one’s face in turn.
“I’ve missed you—” Lovinia’s words were cut short as she began coughing.
Gideon thrust Ezra toward Ruby, then helped Lovinia turn on her side and gave her a clean cloth to hold. Gideon’s actions pushed Roseanna and Sophia to the side, and they came to the door where Ruby still stood. Silently, they all waited for Lovinia’s coughing spell to end. When Ruby spied blood on the cloth and the coughing continued, she pulled the children away, urging them down the stairs again.
Mamm looked up. “You weren’t up there very long.”
“Lovinia is coughing, and Gideon needs your help.”
Mamm didn’t answer but ran up the steps, wiping her hands on her apron.
Ruby looked at the children who stood around her, quiet and subdued. A tear traced a path down Sophia’s cheek.
“I want Mamm,” she said, looking back up the stairs.
Lovinia’s coughing spell had ended, but Ruby couldn’t tell if that was a good sign or not.
Roseanna’s frown was stony. “She doesn’t want to talk to us. She’s too sick.” She pulled away from Ruby. “Let’s go outside. I don’t want to be here anymore.”
Ruby grabbed Roseanna’s hand. “You can go out and play, but remember that your mamm loves you. She would rather be with you than be sick.”
The girl shook her head. “If Mamm loved us, she would get well. She would come downstairs. She doesn’t love us anymore. Nobody does.”
Roseanna turned and ran out the door while Sophia and Ezra stared after her.
Ruby sat down on a kitchen chair with Daniel on her lap. She pulled the other two children close.
“Roseanna is wrong. Your mother loves you very much, but she can’t make herself get well.” She looked into Sophia’s face. �
�Do you believe me?”
Sophia nodded. “But I want Mamm.”
“I know you do, and she wants to see you too. I’ll talk to your father and we’ll decide if we can try again.”
Ezra leaned against Ruby’s lap as Daniel pounded on his head with his fist. Ruby smiled. At least two of the children seemed to be happy.
“Why don’t you and Ezra go outside to play. See if you can find Roseanna and ask her to play too.”
Sophia nodded and took Ezra’s hand, pulling him toward the door. Ruby stood at the kitchen window, watching them until they coaxed Roseanna out of the playhouse and started another game of family time, a game the girls had made up and played endlessly. Roseanna placed some leaves on the big stump they used for a table, and Sophia pretended to ladle something into the “dishes.” They would be content playing that game until dinnertime.
Then she glanced up the stairway. All was quiet, but Mamm hadn’t come back down. Ruby climbed the steps slowly, not certain what she would find.
Mamm looked up as she came to the doorway. “It’s all right. Lovinia is resting, but all the children coming at once might have been too taxing.”
Ruby stepped closer to the bed, next to Gideon’s chair. Lovinia seemed to be sleeping, but she held Gideon’s hand in a tight grip.
Gideon glanced at Ruby. “She wanted to spend time with the children, but she just isn’t strong enough.”
“We don’t dare to try again,” Mamm said. She smoothed Lovinia’s hair back from her face. “It must have upset the children to see her like this.”
“Roseanna is affected the most,” Ruby said, taking a seat on the end of the bed with Daniel on her lap. “The others only want to see their mother.”
“Let them come.” Lovinia’s voice was raspy and weak, but she opened her eyes to look at all three of them. “Don’t keep them from me.”
“We can’t risk it.” Mamm leaned forward. “Lovinia, think how terrible it would be if you passed on while they were here.”
A tear trickled down Lovinia’s cheek. The sight of that one lone tear made Ruby long to do something. Anything to fulfill Lovinia’s longing to see her children.
“What if they visited one at a time?” She looked at Mamm. “We could start with Roseanna and limit the time so that Lovinia doesn’t get too tired.”
Mamm nodded. “What do you think, Gideon?”
He stared at Lovinia, their eyes meeting in silent communication. Ruby looked away from the intimate moment.
“I think we should try it. We’ll give Lovinia a chance to rest, then bring Roseanna up to see her the next time she’s awake.”
Ruby stood, balancing Daniel on her hip. “I’ll tell the children, so they know what to expect.”
She found Sophia and Ezra still involved in their game by the playhouse, but Roseanna was hanging over the pasture fence, watching the horses graze. With Gideon’s team available, Daed used one team in the forenoon and the other in the afternoon, keeping both teams in good condition by dividing the work between them. Gideon’s team grazed in the lush pasture this morning, paying no attention to the girl who was calling them.
“They don’t come when you call?” Ruby asked as she joined Roseanna.
Roseanna didn’t look at Ruby. “They don’t like me. Our other team was better. Brownie and Socks were their names, and Daed let us ride on their backs sometimes.”
“What happened to them?”
“The soldiers took them and left these two in their place. Daed says that they are afraid of children, so we stay away from them.”
“I know how to help them learn to like you.”
Ruby went into the barn and took a few carrots from the bucket Daed kept near the stalls. Wiping the dirt off one, she let Daniel chew on it as she took the others to Roseanna.
“Try this.” Ruby held a carrot up. They paid no attention.
“You have to call them,” Roseanna said, impatient.
“What are their names?”
“Samson and Delilah.”
Ruby glanced at the girl, but she wasn’t teasing. “Like in the Bible?”
Roseanna nodded.
Ruby held the carrot up again. “Samson! Delilah!”
Samson kept grazing, but Delilah lifted her head.
Encouraged, Roseanna joined in. “Delilah! I have a carrot for you!”
The big horse took a step closer, her nose raised. Then she started walking toward the fence.
Roseanna gasped. “She’s coming. What do I do?”
Ruby snapped off the end of a carrot and gave it to the girl. “Hold this out for her, on your palm, with your fingers flat.”
When Delilah reached them, she lipped the carrot out of Roseanna’s hand and crunched it, watching the girl with one eye.
“She likes it,” Roseanna said. “Can I give her another one?”
Ruby gave her the rest of the carrot and Delilah finished it. Then the big horse put her nose over the fence and nudged Roseanna’s hair, taking a deep breath.
Roseanna fed her the rest of the carrots, then Delilah went back to grazing. But she stayed close to the fence rather than wandering away.
“I think she likes you.” Ruby shifted Daniel to her other hip.
“Can I feed her more carrots?”
“Another time. She needs to eat more grass than carrots.”
Roseanna wrinkled her nose. “I wouldn’t want to eat grass.”
“Horses like it.” Ruby grinned at the expression on Roseanna’s face. “Your daed wanted me to tell you that you’ll be able to see your mother later today, after she sleeps for a little while.”
Staring at the horse, Roseanna rested her chin on the fence rail. “She doesn’t want to see me.”
The memory of Lovinia’s single tear gave strength to Ruby’s words. “She wants to spend as much time with you as she can. She misses you very much.”
“Then why doesn’t she get better? Why did we have to come here? Why doesn’t Daed make things better?”
Delilah cropped the grass, took a step forward, then grabbed another bite of the green blades. Mamm would know how to answer Roseanna’s questions.
“We don’t always get what we want.” She glanced at Roseanna, who still watched the horses, her back straight and stiff. “Your mamm and daed left your home because they thought it was the best thing for your family. Your mother doesn’t want to be sick, and she doesn’t want to leave you.”
Roseanna was silent.
“But you can help give her the one thing she wants desperately, and that’s to spend a few minutes with you. Just the two of you together. Can you give her that?”
When the girl nodded, Ruby glanced up at the bedroom window. Gideon stood at the open window, watching them. When she waved, he lifted his hand, signaling that all was well.
As he disappeared back into the room, Ruby found that she was smiling. Because of Gideon? He was a good man, and she could tell why Lovinia loved him so dearly. But as the thought of her promise to her friend rose to the surface again, she pushed it down. She wouldn’t think about that now. There would be plenty of time to face that afterward.
On Saturday morning, Lovinia didn’t wake up.
Gideon had spent the night dozing in the chair next to her bed, ready to help her whenever she stirred. Then sometime, in the darkest hours of the night, she had whispered his name.
“Gideon?”
He took her hand, the light from the low lantern giving her face a golden glow.
“I’m right here. What do you need?”
“Could you lie next to me? You haven’t held me in such a long time.”
Gideon considered the narrow bed. “Are you sure I won’t crowd you?”
“I need to feel you close to me.”
He maneuvered onto the bed and settled in close, his arm under her and her head pillowed on his shoulder. She was so thin. So frail.
Lovinia sighed and relaxed. “I love you, Gideon.” And then she was asleep.
He had hel
d her, feeling her body grow warm against his, feeling her breath against his cheek, and then fallen into a deeper sleep than he had enjoyed for a week.
Gideon woke the next morning to sunlight streaming in the window. He tightened his arm around his wife, but the chill of her body and her stillness told him she was gone. She had fled in the night.
“Ach, Lovinia . . .”
He stayed still, reluctant to let her go. Finally, he rose, arranging her body in a natural pose, and sat on his chair again. Burying his face in his hands, he waited for the tears to come.
Mein Herr . . .
She looked peaceful. Happy. Content. No longer struggling for breath. No longer in pain. No longer so weak that she could barely raise her hand to cup his cheek.
He couldn’t be sad for her . . . but . . .
Mein Herr. I can’t do this . . .
A great weight settled on his shoulders, filling his chest, pushing him down. He folded his arms on the edge of the bed and laid his head on them, just as he had slept for so many nights during the past week.
His wife was gone.
The early morning sounds of the family rising drifted up the stairs. Soon Lydia would come to wake the children. Soon she would have breakfast prepared. Soon . . . too soon . . . Ruby would knock lightly on the door . . . ready to stay with Lovinia while he ate his breakfast . . .
Why would he ever eat again?
Lovinia was gone.
How could he tell their children?
Mein Herr, strengthen me . . .
A light knock on the door roused him. Had he slept?
Ruby opened the door. “It’s time for your breakfast. Mamm has it all ready—”
He didn’t have to turn. He didn’t have to say anything. As soon as she saw the still form on the bed, she knew.
She knelt next to him, one hand resting on Lovinia’s arm.
“I’m so sorry, Gideon. So sorry.” Tears trickled down her cheeks and she wiped them away. “We will miss her so much.”
He could only nod in agreement. He couldn’t seem to speak.
“Do you want to tell the children?”