by Amanda
What he didn’t know was that she was broken beyond repair, she desperately wanted to be able to heal, and to do it with him, but she couldn’t, she was too far-gone. Looking in his eyes told her that he was being completely honest, and that he desperately wanted to heal her and care for her, she knew she could and should trust him, she just couldn’t bring herself to, she knew she didn’t deserve him. He was a truly good man, and any woman was a fool to not see that.
"Kara is an idiot," she said with a smile, attempting to lighten the suddenly intense mood. His low chuckle told her she had succeeded. He turned back to the stove, and began placing breakfast on the table, she jumped up to help him, they set the table in silence, and it wasn’t until after Brian prayed and they started to eat that he picked up the earlier conversation.
"Kara didn’t mean to hurt me. I can see that now, catching my fiancée in bed with another man and finding out that I’d been the other man the whole time tore my heart out; I really thought I loved her. I realize now that I didn’t really, I cared for her, but it wasn’t real, it never would have been right between us. Kara and Gus had fallen in love when they were just kids, but her father wouldn’t hear of the relationship. Gus was their housekeeper’s son, and now he’s just a paltry auto shop owner, nothing compared to the standards that her father has set for his children. He approved of me, but even I only barely met his standards, he had tried setting her up with every wealthy eligible bachelor on the entire East Coast, but she’s really in love with Gus.
"When she met me and realized that I was a devout Christian that didn’t want to live together or have sex before marriage, she decided I’d be a good cover for her and Gus. She kept putting off the marriage, she didn’t want to cheat on Gus, but her father kept threatening to cut her off and send her away. I’m not saying it was the right way to go about it, but I understand, and I do forgive her, it took time, but I can honestly say I forgive them for their deceit."
That was a lot to process, if Kara came from the kind of money Brian had hinted at then she had no problem believing him, she knew first hand that most of those men were ruthless and power hungry, and only care about status and money. What stuck out to her most was that he once again implied that he was a virgin, he definitely didn’t want her, then.
That thought was a punch in the gut, she knew that if he ever found out who she was and what she had done that he would kick her out on the street, even good people have their limits. Good Christian men that forgave adultery and held onto their virginity, and valued marriage didn’t want whores like her. She couldn’t go down that road with him, so she picked another question that stuck out to her.
"So, if you forgive them, then why were you so upset last week?"
He sighed heavily, "I was more upset about the loss of the idea of marriage and a family. Honestly, looking back that’s what I was clinging to with Kara, I knew in my gut that we weren’t meant to be, but I wanted a family, the yard, the white picket fence, the whole thing so badly that I clung to the idea of a happily ever after that would never come with her."
Her breath caught, Brian really wasn’t like other men. He desperately sought what other men ran from. And she took it from him, she stole his life from him, she couldn’t stand a reassuring hand on her shoulder, how would she ever be able to give him the children he desired and the love he deserved?
She was selfish and only focused on escaping her old life, she didn’t even stop to think about what this would cost him. She had never felt so dirty or worthless in her life, she wanted desperately to give him what he deserved, but she just couldn’t. If only her mom had lived, if only her dad hadn’t met Jack, if only…
The rage burned through her, she wanted to hunt down every man that had made her this way, every man that had used her, sold her and bought her, every man that had ever treated her like property.
It wasn’t fair, how could the God Brian loved so much do this to her, to Brian. She knew she was useless garbage, but Brian, Brian was the best man she’d ever known, he didn’t deserve this. He didn’t ask for this. He deserved better, he deserved a wife and kids, he didn’t deserve her. She wished she could go back to before she left, flip the switch back off, and turn back into that person for Brian. The person that could be touched and used…but she knew that Brian wouldn’t want her as that person, she saw it in his eyes a week ago when they met.
She was trying to be that person when she met him, and the look in his eyes as they talked at that restaurant told her that person was the last person he wanted. When he asked to marry her she thought she could do it, she thought she could be the wife he needed, endure the touches he wanted, but when they were alone she realized she couldn’t.
The switch flipped on as soon as they got in the taxi, he looked at her like she was a person, a person he respected and could care for, and in that moment she knew she couldn’t be that person anymore. She couldn’t be used, she couldn’t be an object any more. She couldn’t keep her emotions off anymore, she couldn’t shut off and leave her body any more. She should have left when he asked her if she wanted to, she should have gotten out as soon as she knew she couldn’t be his wife. She was so focused on getting out, on changing and being a woman someone could love that she didn’t even give a thought to how it would affect him. Brian had helped her turn her emotions back on, and made her feel like someone worthy of him.
But she wasn’t. She never would be worthy of Brian Harris. Even with her emotions turned on, and being present in the moment, she still wasn’t worthy of him. The things she had seen and done made her trash compared to him. She deserved to be who she was, she never should have left, never should have put Brian in this situation.
"Aria, sweetheart, what’s the matter?" She was shaken from her thoughts and looked up to see Brian staring at her with sympathy and compassion.
"Nothing, sorry, I was just thinking, that’s all."
"Sweetheart, you’re crying, what’s wrong?" She was? She put a hand to her cheek, she was. She hadn’t even noticed.
"I don’t deserve you. I can’t give you those things. I want to, I really do, I just…I can’t," she stared down at the tears soaking her hands. She was sobbing now, big ugly, breathy sobs.
Brian moved to her side and squatted next to her, but still didn’t touch her, and that space he offered made her cry harder and the tears stream faster down her cheeks. Without her having to say a word he always seemed to know exactly what she needed.
"Sweetheart, I don’t like seeing you like this, it breaks my heart. I really want to pull you into my arms and hold you until you’re all cried out, but I know you wouldn’t like that. What can I do for you? How can I reassure you? Tell me, and I’ll do it, I don’t expect you to give me those things, maybe one day you can, but—"
"Stop it! I won’t, don’t you see that? Not today, not ever, I’m broken, I’m useless, I’m unworthy of you. Just stop being so perfect already!" She was yelling now, and feeling worse than ever, she wasn’t mad at him, she was mad at her mom for dying, her dad for setting her up for ruin, Jack for making sure she was broken beyond repair and God for not saving her. And she was mad that she couldn’t bring herself to fall into his lap and allow him to sooth her as much as she wanted him to.
"I am far from perfect, and I’ll never pretend to be. You are more than worthy, and if I have to spend the rest of my life proving that to you, I will, without hesitation. I want you to see your worth, from this day forward my life’s mission will be to get you to see how wonderful you are." Why did he have to say all the right things at the right times?
He was a hopeless romantic, she could see it in the way he studied her and meant every word he said with the deepest conviction. Most women would kill for a man like him, so open and in touch with their feelings, and here she was wishing he were more aloof.
He truly was wasted on her, but he was making it clear that he wasn’t going anywhere, so for now she would just do her best to cope with it all and try to get to know him,
try to be friends at the very least. He wasn’t expecting a relationship right away, she would just focus on the present, do what she could, and let the future worry about itself. He was right, it had only been one week, and they had plenty more to go.
The tears were starting to slow, and the sobs had left her body, she took a deep breath, she could do this. "Sorry I broke down, this is just a lot. I’m going to try to go with the flow and stop fighting you, I want this to work, too. But I’ll warn you, you have your work cut out for you," she tried to offer him her brightest smile.
"Never apologize for being honest with me, I need to know how you’re feeling and what’s going on with you. Mission accepted, it’s in my job description to stand by you no matter what." He stood, and offered her a wink and a dimpled smile and began clearing the table.
"You really are a hopeless romantic, aren’t you?"
"Guilty." She let a small giggle escape.
"Thanks for putting up with my crazy emotions."
"My pleasure, if you ever want to talk…"
"I know, and thanks. Right now I’m going to go wash my face and read for a little while." He just smiled and finished loading the dishwasher and she made her way upstairs feeling surprisingly calm and relieved.
7
Brian sank down onto the couch and raked his hands over his face, watching Aria break down was one of the hardest things he’d ever experienced. It took more strength than he would have ever thought to not break down and cry himself. He’d never felt the urgency to hit something-someone-more fiercely than at that moment, he wanted to find out who had done this to her and make him pay. He sighed, he knew that wasn’t the way to handle it, he just couldn’t understand what would make anyone hurt this amazing woman so deeply that she couldn’t stand to be touched, or even think herself worthy of common decency and respect. Watching her flinch and stiffen every time he got too close tore a hole right through him every single time.
They had gotten to know each other better over the last week, and he couldn’t have dreamed up someone better. She had a wonderful sense of humor, the most gorgeous laugh he’d ever heard, she was a fast learner, the most amazing cook, thoughtful, caring, considerate, and so organized. He wished she could see herself in the same light he did.
She was also scared, wounded, guarded, and lacking any semblance of self-confidence. He sighed, he had no idea how to help heal her, he’d been praying every day that God would heal her heart, and use him to help in that. He knew it had only been a week, but after this morning, his patience was wearing thin. He knew it was stereotypically a masculine trait to want to fix every problem that came about, but he couldn’t help it. How could anyone see someone so down and hurt and not try to fix them? The poor woman was even terrified to speak most of the time, it was like she caught herself speaking and cringed, waiting for him to reprimand her for it.
He prayed for the man that had hurt her, that God would open his eyes to the damage he had done, he also prayed for every father to teach their sons to respect women, and just people in general, as his father had. He then said a prayer of thanksgiving that his father had taught him to respect women, and prayed that he would be able to do the same with his own children.
That was it! His father, he could give him some advice on dealing with this. He made his way out to the barn so that Aria wouldn’t be able to hear him, greeting Thunder and Jax on the way.
"Hello?" He was relieved that his dad was the one to answer, he loved his mom, but wasn’t in the mood for her small talk.
"Dad, I need your advice."
"Are you okay, Son, you sound upset."
"I am. I don’t know what to do about Aria."
"Well, start by telling me what the problem is."
"I don’t know, I think she’s been through something…something horrible. She has a lot of trust issues, she’s really leery of men, I thought at first it may be people in general, but she does great with Anna and her kids, except for Christian, but he’s close enough to being a man, she has no reservations being left alone with Helen. Which makes me think it was a man that hurt her, but she won’t talk about it. She keeps saying things like she’s not worthy of me, and she keeps insisting on getting a job or acting like a maid so she can earn her keep. I’m trying Dad, I am, I just don’t know what else to do to make her comfortable with me, I hate that she’s so scared and nervous all the time."
"First off, breathe. Now, remember, it’s only been about a week, these things take time to develop, how long did you know her before you married her?" Brian blanched, he didn’t want to admit to his father how foolish he’d been, but he couldn’t lie to him either.
"A few hours." To his shock, his dad laughed.
"You? The scheduler, the man that has a plan for everything and everyone in his life? I was flabbergasted when you said you eloped, but your mother and I figured it was probably someone you knew before, or at least that you met on your first day, not after hours of meeting! I’m proud of you."
"What? I marry a complete and total stranger and you’re proud of me?"
"I am. It means that for once in your life you were thinking with your heart and not your head, and for that, I am mighty proud. What made you decide to marry her?"
"I don’t really know, it was last Friday, the day I was supposed to be marrying Kara, I was sitting in a restaurant feeling sorry for myself that I wasn’t getting the life that I wanted and then she walked in. I can’t quite explain it, she walked in and my heart tried to jump out of my chest, it was like time stood still and I could see us together fifty years from now just as happy as you and Mom, I shook it off, or tried to. I thought it was just because of how lousy I was feeling, and then she sat down at my table and started talking to me, and it just felt natural to ask her to be my wife. I know that sounds crazy and nothing like the type-a-ivy-league-educated-lawyer that I am, but that’s how it happened."
"Doesn’t sound crazy at all, it sounds like love at first sight, now before you interrupt, I know you don’t believe in it, but that’s what it sounds like to me. My advice is to just keep on loving her. Respect her boundaries, whatever they are, don’t push her, just be there for her, show her you’re not like the rest, let her love you on her own time, and pray. The key to a healthy marriage is prayer, just keep it wrapped up in prayer and you’ll make it through. It may not be easy, but if it’s real love, and Son, it sounds like it is, then it’ll take work, but the work is sometimes the best part, you can’t appreciate the fruits of your labor without the labor. Time, patience, love, and most importantly, God and I have no doubts that you’ll succeed."
"I can’t love her yet, though, can I? It’s only been a week."
"There you go again, letting your brain do all the thinking. Let your heart lead you once in a while, Bri."
"Thanks, Dad, and please keep the details to Mom at a minimum, I don’t want her to worry," his call waiting beeped, "hey, I have a call coming in. Thanks, love you."
"Anytime, Son, love you too." Brian clicked over to the other line.
"Hello?"
"Hey, Brian, it’s Anna, are we still on for this morning?" He had almost forgotten the surprise he had planned for Aria and asked Anna to aid him in.
"Yeah, anytime now should be fine, thanks."
"No problem, any excuse to get out of the house with another adult," she chuckled. He usually thought it was awful when people wanted to escape their kids all the time, but he knew that Anna would start missing them before she even made it into town, her family was her life.
"I recruited Chris and James to be your muscle, and I think Sam wants to tag along, too, if you’re okay with that? She didn’t have school today." Her sixteen and fourteen year old sons were just what he needed to be able to pull this off in the time frame he had.
"Perfect, are Sam and Christian dating now? I see them together a lot."
"No, well, they insist they aren’t, I think they really are just good friends. Will three hours be enough time? I don’t know
that I can stretch it out much longer than that."
"With the extra hands that should be perfect."
"Alright, I’m going to call your wife now."
They hung up and Brian decided to spend a little more time with Thunder, and in prayer before heading back in. His dad had given him a lot to consider, did he love Aria already? He certainly cared for her, but was it love, already?
"Hey, Anna called and asked if I wanted to go grocery shopping with her, she said her parents wanted to come spend the day with the kids so it’ll just be the two of us, I told her I would, I hope that’s okay." Her voice grew small at the end, and her gaze dropped to the floor. He had just come back in from the barn, Aria met him in the kitchen.
"Of course that’s okay, I’m your husband, not your keeper, you don’t have to ask permission to leave, this isn’t prison." He tried to sound light and humorous, but felt anything but, he again felt like finding out who made her this way.
"I know, I’m just not used to this, I’ll get there. Oh, here she is."
"Alright, have fun, did you remember to take your cards, in case you find something you want?" Her cheeks flamed red.
"I don’t want to spend—"
"Here, take this one, and it’s ours, if you want something: get it." He handed her his debit card so she wouldn’t have to go back upstairs to get hers. She took it with an eye roll and ran out to meet Anna.