by Amanda
"Are you sure? You don't have to…"
"I know, I want to, but you'll have to teach me."
"Okay, but let me know the second you feel uncomfortable, okay?" She nodded, and he looked deep into her eyes. "Promise me."
"I promise," she assured him. He took a deep breath and readjusted their intertwined hands, and placed his free hand on her waist; she glanced at the other couples and put her free hand on his shoulder. He began swaying them side to side. He couldn't believe it, they were touching—dancing—and Aria seemed completely at ease. He said a prayer of thanksgiving, and hoped this night would never end. He was relieved when the band started playing another slow song when the first ended too soon.
"You've never danced before?" She shook her head and bit her lip; she did that whenever she was nervous about something.
"Never? You didn't go to prom or any weddings?" He couldn't believe she'd made it twenty-four years without ever dancing.
"Nope, I didn't go to high…" her voice trailed off, and he could see the shutters coming down, he wasn't ready for her to close him out yet, she always did when he got too close to her past.
"Never mind, I am honored to be your first, and only dance partner." She flushed and giggled, and he sagged with relief that he hadn't lost her to her memories again.
They continued swaying to the music, standing much further apart than any normal husband and wife should, but at this point, he'd take touching her, and being touched by her in whatever form he could get it. She let go of their joined hands to fix her hair, while his hung awkwardly by his side, not knowing where to put it while he waited for her to finish. She surprised him by stepping in closer to him, so that their bodies were almost touching, and twining her fingers around his neck.
Hesitantly, he brought his loose hand up to rest on the other side of her waist, asking permission with his eyes.
"It's okay. I'm not sure what's changed, but I'm…okay with you touching me like this, I never thought I would be, and I still don't want to lead you on or anything, but I like dancing with you like this." There were no words to express his feelings at that moment, this was the longest he'd ever been able to hold her for, and he was going to savor every single millisecond of it.
"I like dancing with you, too, and no worries, our agreement is still in place." He winked at her, and was shocked when she simply nodded and rested her cheek on his chest. He wasn't sure how to react, he knew how his body wanted him to react, but he knew that he had to be rational and allow her to set the limits and boundaries, they had taken leaps forward tonight, and there was no way he was going to ruin that by going too far. Instead of holding her closer or kissing her like he desperately wanted to do, he kept his hands firmly in place, and let her lead him.
After another two hours of holding her close during the slow songs, teaching her a few dances, and one disastrous attempt at teaching her to two-step, they were finally on their way home. She surprised him yet again by taking his hand in hers on the walk back to the truck, and then again on their way out of town. He didn't mention the change, and neither did she.
"Thank you." He said when they turned onto to the gravel road leading them home.
"For what?"
"For making this the best birthday I've ever had, and for making my birthday wish come true." He hoped he hadn't overstepped by adding in that last part. She looked at him with her brows furrowed in confusion.
"You went out of your way to make my favorite breakfast, my favorite cake, entertain my family, and even got me a gift, though you still haven't given it to me, you did all of that in between preparing all of those sides and desserts for tomorrow's barbecue. Plus this," he said, holding up their joined hands as he parked the truck in the garage. "You have no idea how happy you make me, every single day, but, especially today."
"What was the wish I made come true?" Her cheeks were flushed, and her voice was barely above a whisper, they were facing each other in the dim light of the garage.
"Well, maybe I exaggerated on that point a bit, my wish was that I could start dating my wife, and, well, tonight sure felt like a date, so I was thinking…hoping…maybe we could go beyond friends and start dating?" He prayed he hadn't pushed her too far with that, he'd been dreaming about the day when they could take their relationship to the next level, and married-dating-couple seemed like the next logical step after married-friends.
Her laughter startled him, that wasn't at all the reaction he had expected. "We're married and you're asking me out, like to be your girlfriend?" He waited for her laughter to finally subside before answering; he didn't find this as funny as she obviously did.
"Well, I guess, yeah. I mean, in a normal relationship we would have started out as strangers, become acquaintances, gotten to know each other and become friends, started dating, and then fallen in love and gotten engaged, and then married."
"Except, we're already married."
"Yes, but we've been married while getting to know each other and have become friends, and if this were a normal relationship this is the point where I would think I knew you well enough to start taking you out on dates, and working towards the end goal of marriage. Sure, we've already achieved the end goal, but we still need to do all of the things that lead up to that goal." She dropped his hand and started to protest, he held up a hand to stop her.
"Before you even start, I know we may never get to the just being a normal married couple stage, we may level off in married-friends or even married-dating-couple, I understand that, but I still want to try. If you don't like me as your husband-boyfriend, I'll stop trying to woo you and go back to being your husband-friend. All the other rules will remain in place, I won't touch you unless you give me permission, and I will have no expectations of moving out of this stage until you tell me you want to. And if that day never comes, then I'll be happy to have had this." She was just staring, and it was making him nervous, maybe this was the wrong time, maybe he'd misread her affections.
"What exactly would the difference be? We already go out on dates every Friday night, so how would this be any different." His heart filled with hope; maybe his stupid plan would work after all.
"In most marriages the relationship and the marriage are intertwined, in ours, they're two separate things. Our marriage has a solid foundation with open communication, teamwork, trust, understanding, and respect. The dates I take you on every Friday are a way to ensure our marriage stays solid, Dad always says that dating your spouse is one of the keys to a happy marriage. These dates would be for the relationship part of our marriage, the part that involves being more than friends." He again held up a hand to stop any protests.
"Please, let me finish. Right now, I take you on dates as your husband, just like I will for the rest of our lives, what I'm proposing is also taking you on dates as your boyfriend. Our date night usually consists of dinner at Zimmer's or in town. I want to take you on real dates, where we get nervous and dressed up, I bring you flowers, and plan something that will knock your socks off, I'll spend the whole night bumbling like an idiot, trying to woo you and get you to like me." She was smiling now, that was good, he hoped.
"So, we'll just go on more dates, and they'll be slightly different?" He nodded. "But, you'll still respect my space? You won't expect…uh…" Her cheeks flamed in the pale light as she looked away from him, worrying her bottom lip with her teeth,
"No! Of course not, I won't ever demand or expect that out of you. All rules on touching remain in place, just because we'd be dating doesn't mean that would change. That would still be at your pace, whatever you're comfortable with, and never anything more."
She turned back to face him, "Like tonight? Is that how the dates would be?"
"Basically, it was a little different than normal, right? That wasn't just me?" A little. He wanted to scoff at that, that didn't even begin to describe the changes in tonight, starting the moment she'd come into the bathroom to leave his clothes. The chemistry between them had been so thick all n
ight you'd have a hard time chopping through it with a hacksaw.
"Yeah, it was a little different. I liked it, but you're right, something changed. This new direction, the added dates, that's the only thing that will change? We're still friends?"
"Of course, we'll always be friends, even if my crazy idea doesn't work out, we'll still be friends. Now that I think of it, no, that won't be the only change." Her eyebrows rose in question.
"As your husband-boyfriend I don't have to hold back on telling you how beautiful you are, or how much you mean to me, like I do as your husband-friend. I'll get to buy you gifts and flowers whenever I want, and you can't complain, because that's part of the dating process." He gave her a mischievous smile, and she giggled, gifts were their biggest source of argument.
"So, Aria, will you be my wife-girlfriend…wow, I feel like I'm fifteen all over again." He had never felt this nervous with Kara or any other girl.
She studied him for several long moments before nodding and saying "Come on, husband-boyfriend, we've got another long day tomorrow, and you still haven't seen your birthday present." Before getting out and walking into the house. He heard her utter, "I've never dated anyone before," as she got out of the car.
He felt like he was walking on air as he followed her into the house, he loved this woman more than he would have ever thought possible, and now, he was at the very least going to get an opportunity to show her.
Brian stopped in the doorway of his bedroom and just stared, sure his jaw was on the ground. Aria had taken off her boots and was removing her jean jacket, standing there in that slip of a dress, a flash of desire ran through him. He was normally good at reigning in his rampant thoughts, but lately, and especially tonight, they were getting near impossible to tamp down.
They weren't really inappropriate if they were about one's wife, were they? He wasn't sure how that translated to their strange relationship, so he tried to keep them at bay, but she was the most beautiful woman he'd ever laid on eyes. She had a heart of gold, and was everything he'd every thought he'd want in a wife, inside and out.
The way she looked tonight was beyond description, her chestnut colored hair was kissed with light honey streaks from the sun, and she had it styled in loose waves that spilled over her shoulders and down her back. The off-white lace dress was a perfect compliment to her tanned skin, and revealed much more of it than he cared for any other man to see. He would never tell her what to wear, but he was relieved when she'd worn the jacket he'd suggested, and it made her look like the perfect county girl. He had to admit, he was even more relieved now that she'd taken it off and he could admire her silky smooth skin in the privacy of their bedroom…though, he had to admire it from much further away than he would like. She had put on a little weight since she'd been with him, and it just enhanced her beauty. She finally looked healthy, she was still rail-thin, but now she was more of a healthy rail than the fragile bag of bones he brought home with him.
"Brian?" She had caught him staring.
"Sorry." It was his turn to blush and look away.
"Here's your present. I hope you like it, it's not much…in fact, it's probably pretty silly…" Thankfully, she was going to let him off the hook for staring, but she had definitely noticed. He took the gift that she held out to him. It was heavy and felt like clothes, possibly. Aria was watching him with a nervous expression as he opened the package.
It was a large quilt folded with the black backing facing him. He shook it out and looked at the right side and his breath caught in his lungs, it was the most thoughtful, beautiful gift he had ever been given. He spread it out on the bed to get a better look at it.
She had used printable fabric and made a giant collage of his entire life, some of the photos were large, and others were small and a part of a winding pattern that she'd used to link it all together. All of the photos were printed in black and white, the photos were interspersed with colorful fabric scraps that all looked familiar, but he couldn't quite place them.
"This is…wow, this is amazing." He couldn't believe how much work and thought had gone into this gift.
"You like it? I wasn't sure, I thought it might be too cheesy." He tore his gaze from the quilt to stare into her eyes, which were pointed at the floor, fighting the urge to hook his finger under her chin and bring her face up to meet his eyes he asked her to look at him.
"This is the most thoughtful thing I've ever been given, hands down. I may not know much about quilting, but I do know how much work and thought went into this. These photographs are all in chronological order, I know that alone took some serious planning, I also know that you've been toiling away in that little craft room of yours every night for the last several weeks, is this what you've been working on?"
"Yes." He nodded and continued to study the quilt, the photos spanned from his birth up to the month before he met Aria.
"I do see one big flaw, though," he said, trying to remain stoic.
"You do?" Her voice and face were filled with panic.
"Yes, you missed one, big, important person in my life."
"I did? I tried to get at least a few from every year, I didn't know which friends you stayed close with, or which ones had Kara in them so I tried to stick to just family, I'm so sorry—" Her voice was rising with every word, and it broke his heart. He hadn't intended for her to get so upset, he decided to cut her off, before she went into cardiac arrest.
"Aria, honey, calm down. I was talking about you. You aren't in any of these pictures, and you are one of the most important members of my family. This is perfect, absolutely amazing, and I can't thank you enough for it. Would it be okay if I showed it to my family tomorrow? My mom will love this." Her eyes were wide at his declaration, and she simply nodded and ran to the bathroom after gathering her pajamas.
"What are you doing?" Brian froze, holding the blanket he had been laying on the floor.
"Making my bed," he said, turning to face her, his brows furrowed. She placed stubborn hands on her hips and shook her head.
"You are not sleeping on the floor in your own room."
"Yes, I am. If you think for one second I'll let you sleep on the floor you must not know me very well." She started laughing, and Brian grew even more confused.
"I meant that you'll sleep in the bed, and so will I." She lost some of her stubbornness as she grew visibly nervous at her suggestion, and suddenly found something intriguing on the wall right above Brian's head. He couldn't believe his ears, was she really suggesting they share a bed?
"What are you saying?" She blew out a breath, but still didn't meet his eyes.
"I'm saying that neither of us is sleeping on the floor. I'm not saying we're going to be…intimate, you know I can't do that. But, it's a huge bed. I think we can both sleep comfortably without touching." He couldn't say he wasn’t a little disappointed at her words, but he wasn't surprised either.
"I think you're right. I just assumed, since the last time we shared a room I —"
"The last time we shared a room I was terrified you were going to chop me into little pieces while I slept." They both laughed, and Brian grew serious again.
"And now? Now, you know I would never hurt you in any way, right?"
"I do. I trust you now. You've proven yourself every day over and over again." Hearing her voice her trust was like a healing salve to his soul.
"I'm glad to hear you say that. Promise me if you're uncomfortable with this that you'll tell me, and I'll gladly sleep on the floor the rest of the time." She nodded, and made her way to the side of the bed farthest from the door, Brian smiled and wondered how she knew that he always slept on the other side. She flipped back the blankets and used some of the extra pillows to build a barrier along the middle of the bed. His heart fell, she trusted him, but not that much.
12
It was pitch dark in the room, but she could hear him coming down the hall. Please don't let him want me, please, no. She didn't know if she could take any more today, she m
ade herself as small as possible, but that never helped. She knew if he wanted her, he'd have her and there wasn't a thing she could do about it. She heard him come closer and closer, until she could feel his hot breath on her cheek, smell the stale alcohol mixed with sweat and cigarette smoke, that clung to his clothes and body. That smell was so familiar to her, yet made her sick every time he came near.
She clamped her eyes shut. Please no, please no, please no… over and over again she plead with…with any deity that would listen, with anyone that would care. Not that it helped, it never did. And then he was on her, pinning her to the bed, she tried to pull free, but it wouldn't do any good, she knew what was coming.
"Aria" she heard her old family nickname being called, "Aria, honey." It was a man's voice, but it wasn't his voice. It was a smooth, rich, deep comforting voice, and she wanted to fall into the comforting embrace it was offering. She pulled away from him, and towards the comforting voice.
The room flooded with light, and she forced her eyes open, and saw Brian's concerned face staring back at her. She wasn't in that place anymore, she was home, in bed with her husband, safely in her new life. It was just a nightmare, but she could still feel his weight on her, and smell his stench in her nostrils, though the smell was drifting and harder to make out.
She looked around the room, everything was just the same as when she crawled into bed, it was just her and Brian in the quiet room. But, she could still feel the weight pressing her to the bed, she looked down and saw one of the pillows she had used to build a wall between them was covering her. As the world continued to right itself and the reality that it was just a nightmare sunk in, Brian continued to stare at her in the light of his bedside lamp, concern etched on his face.
She tossed the pillow to the floor and sat up, preparing to explain that it was just a dream when Brian's hand came up as if to rest on her cheek. When he realized what he was about to do, he froze, as he always did when he was about to unconsciously offer her comfort. Normally she just let him drop his hand and pretended not to notice, but this time she wanted his touch, she craved the comfort it brought. She had never before felt as safe as she had tonight in his arms, she wanted his comforting touch again.