No Deal Breakers

by Amanda

  "It's okay, Brian, you can touch me." She whispered, and watched as his concern turned to shock. His eyes held hers for a moment, silently asking for confirmation of what she'd said. She nodded slightly in response. He hesitated just a moment longer before leaning in and brushing a strand of hair behind her ear and then gently cupping her face.

  As soon as his warm hand rested on her face she felt grounded. All of the worries, and anxieties that always came from her nightmares simply melted away at his touch, and she knew she was going to be okay. Brian was her safe haven, always there to offer as much comfort as she needed. She leaned into his palm as he continued to study her before finally breaking the silence.

  "Are you okay?"

  "Yeah, it was just a nightmare, I'm sorry I woke you up."

  "I had hoped you weren't having them any more. It's been almost a week since your last one." She started to nod when his words finally sunk in.

  "Wait, how do you know about them, I've never mentioned them…?" He stroked his thumb down her cheek one last time, then sat up further to face her fully.

  "The first night I woke to the sound of a blood curdling scream coming from above me, without thinking I ran up the stairs and tried to open your door, but it was locked." She flushed as she remembered how she used to lock her door every night, it had been almost three months since she'd done that, she felt silly for it now. "I was seriously contemplating kicking it in to get to you, when I heard you start to mumble in your sleep. I realized it must have been a nightmare that had you screaming like that.

  "I didn't know what to do, I wanted to offer you any comfort I could, but I knew you were still afraid of me, so I sat on the floor outside of your door and prayed for you." She felt the tears running down her cheeks, and didn't even move to wipe them away, that was so incredibly unbelievable, yet totally Brian.

  "It broke my heart to hear you screaming and crying in your sleep every night. I sit outside of your door and pray until you finally calm down and your breathing returns to normal. I—"

  "Wait, sit, as in, you still come to my rescue every time I have a nightmare?" He looked away with a sheepish grin and shrugged, "I do." She couldn't believe what she was hearing, Brian was always trying to take care of her when she was awake, and apparently, his care for her went far beyond what she realized. No one had ever taken care of her like that, aside from her mother.

  "Why?"

  "Because I l—" Her eyes grew wide at what she was certain he was about to say, she wasn't ready to hear it, even though she knew it would be true. She felt his love in everything he did for her. But, she wasn't ready to hear it, she wasn't deserving of hearing it, and as good as Brian was, she knew that even he couldn't love her if he knew about what she had done, no one could. She let out a sigh of relief when he cut himself off and changed tactic.

  "Because I care about you. Because you're my wife. Because I want to protect you, and comfort you when I can. Because how could I possibly sleep knowing you're right above me, hurting and scared? Because I vowed to be there for you, for better or worse, and I meant it. Because even if you don't accept my comfort, I'm going to offer it anyway." She just stared, open-mouthed, with tears streaming down her face. She didn't know how to respond, but she knew every word he spoke was truth.

  "Are you offering it now? Comfort, I mean."

  "Always, honey, whenever and however you need it." That was all she needed, without another word she tossed the pillow-barrier on the floor and scooted over, lying down next to him, he only hesitated a moment before lying down next to her. As usual, he kept a few inches of space in between them, respecting her boundaries. For some inexplicable reason, she didn't want space, she wanted the comfort and security that she'd only ever had in his arms.

  She closed the space between them and nuzzled his chest through his thin t-shirt, breathing in his clean, masculine scent. This felt so right, she couldn't remember now why she had avoided his touch for so many months, after welcoming it today, she didn't know if she'd ever turn it away again. She just hoped he understood that this intimacy was the most she could ever offer him. Hopefully it would be enough for him, too.

  "Do you want the light off so you can sleep?"

  "Please" she said into his chest, and he turned to shut the lamp off. They stayed that way for some time; her arms crossed over her stomach, her face against his chest, and he on his side with one arm folded under his head and the other along his side.

  Finally, he whispered, "May I…would it be okay for me to…uh, hold you?" His voice was filled with apprehension. She was glad he had asked, that's what she really wanted, but couldn't bring herself to ask.

  "I think I'd like that." She could almost feel him smile as he readjusted himself so that one arm was under her head, his hand caressing her back, and his other arm was draped across her waist, and bent up to rest his hand on her shoulder.

  She didn't have words for what she was feeling, she'd never felt this way before. There was safety, comfort, and security, those she could identify, though they were still new to her. But, there was something else, something that set her entire body on edge, in the most wonderful way; it had her heart pounding faster and her stomach full of butterflies. She snuggled closer and fell asleep relishing his closeness.

  Her eyes fluttered open to see bright blue ones staring down at her, she couldn't help the wide smile that spread across her face. They were tangled in each other's arms, both of his were wrapped lovingly around her waist, his hands clasped together on her back, one of her arms was on his side, tucked under his arm, the other was tucked under her head. His lower body was angled away from her, and she blushed when she realized her leg was slung over his waist.

  "Morning, beautiful," he smiled sleepily at her.

  "Morning," she mumbled as she began untangling herself from his body. He looked dejected.

  "Do we really have to get up? I think I could stay here all—"

  "Auntie Ari, Uncle Brian?" Ami's sweet soprano voice and light knock at the door cut him off. She gave him a sardonic smile and whispered "there's your answer," before scooting away and instructing Ami to come in. Brian groaned, but gave her a goofy grin and a wink as they both sat up, leaning against the headboard.

  "Are you sure? Grandpa said you might be in your birthday suits and I should make sure you had on jammies before I came in." They both flushed at "birthday suits" but laughed despite themselves, Brian assured her that they were dressed and without further hesitation, the little spitfire came barreling into the room.

  "Well, aren't we all bright eyed and bushytailed this morning? Come give your favorite uncle a good morning hug." Ami's smile widened before coming to his side to give him a big hug. The sight was so adorable that it brought tears to her eyes, he was a wonderful uncle, and she was sure he would make an even better dad.

  "I'm supposed to tell you two sleepyheads that daylight's a burning, and that the biscuits are getting cold, we ate without you."

  "What time—oh wow, almost nine. Shoot, did Grandma Genie make her famous biscuits and gravy?" Ami nodded.

  "Well, in that case, you tell her we're on our way, okay?"

  "Yes, sir," she said in as a deep of a voice as she could master before saluting and marching out. They both jumped out of bed, dressing as quickly as possible, taking turns using the bathroom to get ready, before joining the rest of his family in the dining room.

  "Those were delicious, Mom." Brian dropped a kiss on his mother's head before taking both his and Aria's plates to the sink and rinsing them. "Oh, Aria, will you go grab the quilt so I can show them before we all get busy? Mom, just wait until you see what Aria made for my birthday…you are going to be so jealous," he gushed as she nodded and went back to his room to retrieve the quilt.

  She had been nervous giving the quilt to Brian, but the thought of showing it to his entire family had her clutching her stomach, hoping beyond hope that her breakfast stayed where it was.

  "The baby clothes…I thought they were rui
ned?" Genie gasped as soon as Brian spread the quilt out for them to look at. Before Aria could explain, Brian asked what she meant.

  "These are your baby clothes, the ones that were in the loft that you said had been eaten by mice, I thought you said they were beyond saving." Brian's eyebrows shot up and every eye in the room was on her. The blood rushed to her face and she could feel it burning.

  "Ummm, I had already started on it when we found the clothes, I had already cut the pieces from new fabric. When I saw how upset you were over his baby clothes being ruined I decided instead of throwing them out I would wash them up and get what use I could out of them…I hope that's okay." The older woman had tears running down her face, and the rest of the adults in the room had looks of awe on their faces, the children had long since abandoned the boring adult conversation for crayons.

  "Oh, honey, of course that's okay. This is so thoughtful," Genie hugged her, and Aria wrapped her arms around her mother-in-law, taken aback at how easily simple affection came to her now.

  "I knew that fabric looked familiar, I just couldn't place it. Who was being sneaky now?" Brian laughed with a wink.

  Aria spent the rest of the morning in the kitchen with Genie and Julia preparing for the barbecue they would be hosting later in the day, and the men and children went to the parade in town, and then on into Ottumwa to pick up a few last minute items. When they finally returned home all three men received an earful from both Genie and Julia on learning to tell the kids "no" when it was discovered that in addition to the whipped cream, soda, and charcoal they were sent after; they had also purchased a swimming pool, several large bags of candy, and a boat load of pool toys.

  Aria couldn't bring herself to be mad about the frivolous spoiling, whether because they weren't her kids, or because she wished someone would have done that for her as a child, she couldn't tell. She just laughed and told Ami she was happy that she'd talked them into the swimming pool.

  All of the guests were called and told that the barbecue was now a pool party as well, to the great delights of all the children in attendance. The day passed by in a blur of friends, food, and fun. Before she knew it, it was time to pack up and head into town for fireworks. Everyone loaded up blankets and chairs and made their way to the park on the outside of town, she couldn't believe how many people showed up for the fireworks, it had to be at least the entire population of Hanesworth, plus some.

  She was spreading a blanket on the ground next to Julia's when Brian snatched it away, she looked at him in confusion, but he just smiled and offered her his hand.

  "Come with me, please?" Without hesitation, she took his hand and started walking with him, away from the crowd.

  "Where are we going?"

  "Someplace quiet, I haven't gotten you to myself all day," he pouted.

  She laughed and followed him up a grassy hill, they were the only ones up there, and had the entire crest to themselves, and for that, she was glad. She had missed his touch all day, holding his hand now sent thrills through her. The sun had already set, but the stars and moon were more than enough light to guide them, Brian spread the blanket out and motioned for her to sit, he sunk to the ground at the same time she did. They sat side by side, closer than they normally would have, with their hands stretched out behind them for support.

  "It's beautiful up here."

  "We have the best seat in the house; we always sat up here as kids and watched the fireworks."

  "Why didn't your family come up with us then?" He looked her right in the eyes as he answered.

  "I wanted you all to myself; I asked them if they'd mind sitting somewhere else this year." She felt her heart hammer in her chest and the heat flood her face.

  "Is this part of your plan to woo me?" She had never been in a relationship or had anyone try so hard for her affection before, she liked it.

  "Maybe, is it working?"

  Saved by the boom, before she could answer there was a loud boom followed by a red burst in the sky. Brian laid back on the ground, folding his arms underneath his head, without thinking, she joined him. Instead of using her own arms to cushion her head, she snuggled in closer to him and rested her head on his bicep.

  The fireworks were beautiful; she'd seen them many times before, but never like this. Something about the wide-open sky above, devoid of city lights and the noise of people added to the experience, being so high up it felt as if the show were just for them.

  As the show started to wind down, she shifted her attention to Brian, he had truly saved her, he could never know how grateful she was that he asked her to marry him. She felt the overwhelming urge to kiss him, something she had never willingly done with any man. Before she could over think it, she leaned in and intended to give him a peck on the cheek, but he turned to face her at the exact same moment and she ended up landing a kiss on his lips, instead.

  She was mortified at her actions, and even more so at the nearly overwhelming urge to lean back in and capture his mouth with hers again. This was not like her, not at all. This was what she had run from, she knew she couldn't do this; she shouldn't have kissed him.

  Before Brian could react, before she could do something stupid like kiss him again, before this could get any more out of hand, she bolted to her feet and took off down the hill, leaving a befuddled husband-boyfriend in her wake.

  *~*~*

  She kissed him. She had actually kissed him. And then she took off as if she were on fire, but first she had actually kissed him. He wasn't sure which shocked him more; that she'd kissed him, or that the last two days had him feeling like a lovesick teenager all over again.

  By the time he reached their cars Aria was climbing in the back of his sister's SUV, wedging herself in between two car seats. He knew what she was doing, he decided it would be best to give her some space, they could talk at home. He simply told her he'd see her at home and invited his parents to ride back home with him.

  Aria ran to their room as soon as they got home and was pacing back and forth in front of the bed when he walked in after helping put the kids down.

  "Aria—" she stopped her pacing and looked at him.

  "Brian, I am so sorry, I don't know what I was thinking. I swear to you, I've never wanted to lead you on, not that first day, and not now, I'm such an idiot, I am so, so sorry." Her words were coming faster and faster, and he could see the tears welling up in her eyes.

  "Aria, sweetheart, calm down, talk to me, tell me what's going on." She took a deep breath and dropped down on the bed, keeping her eyes focused on the floor.

  "I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know what I'm feeling, or why I'm acting this way, I'm so confused." He didn't respond, but just waited patiently for her to continue.

  "I've been…with, uh, men…before, before I met you and moved here. But, I never wanted to be. I never wanted to be touched or kissed or held by any of them, but I did it anyway, I thought that's just how it was supposed to be. When I met you I thought it would be the same, I thought I could let you kiss me and touch me, and…you know…and then, well, I don't know what happened.

  "The way you looked at me, the way you talked to me…like I mattered, like I was someone you cared about and respected, something in me changed. All of a sudden I realized that what I had experienced wasn't how it was supposed to be." Brian couldn't believe what he was hearing, he knew she thought she wasn't worthy of him, but now it was starting to make more sense, he knew she'd been hurt, but now it was starting to settle in just how much she'd been hurt, things were clicking into place, and with each new piece he grew more and more angry.

  She continued on. "You treated me like a, a…person, not an object, and for some reason that triggered something in me, and I wasn't the same anymore. I thought I could go back to that, I thought it was just nerves at marrying you, and that I'd get over it, and be able to just be with you like a normal wife. I should have changed my mind on the way to get our marriage license when you asked me if I wanted to. I was so stubborn, I real
ly thought I could do it, I've never not been able to just shut off my emotions and just do what needs done." What was she saying? Brian's head was swimming with new details as she continued on, still talking to the carpet.

  "I just knew I'd be able to shut the emotions back off and be what you expected, it's what I'm good at. But, you didn't expect anything, and I didn't know how to process that. I freaked out, that's why I locked myself in the bathroom, I was sure you were going to break the door down or pick the lock, but you didn't. maybe if you had I could have shut the emotions off, but you're so different from what I knew, I knew that if you kept treating me like that, like I mattered that I couldn't just be…a…um, who I was anymore.

  "Instead of doing anything I expected you to do, you just patiently waited. For six months, you've patiently waited. I've kept waiting for you to snap and become something different, but you never do. I keep waiting for your patience to run out with me, and it just doesn't. You've given me everything I never knew I needed, and everything I don't deserve. I've started to trust you, Brian. I'm comfortable with you, your friends, your family. I don't think I've ever been comfortable with anyone. You've shown me a person I didn't even know I could be, and you've never once expected anything out of me. And I'm scared and confused, I don't understand these new emotions or what I'm feeling." He couldn't believe how honest she was being, she still hadn't come out about her past, but she'd made more progress in the last two days than in the entire time they'd known each other, his heart was simultaneously breaking and rejoicing at her words. He was glad that she was trusting him, but heartbroken that it was so foreign and difficult for her.