by Amanda
The first time she really admitted to herself that what she was feeling for him was more than gratitude, but love. The first time she let herself feel that it was okay to love and to be loved. Her first date. The first time she had ever thought about willingly having sex with a man. The first time she had told anyone about her baby. The first time she had told anyone about who she was. The first time she admitted and realized that she was more than her past.
It was a new beginning.
"How are you feeling this morning? We had quite the evening." Brian asked, gently rubbing her arm.
"Much better than I thought I would, the whole time I was talking last night I just kept waiting for you to tell me to leave, but I think I finally realized you are different. I'm sorry for doubting you all this time." He leaned away so he could look her full on as he spoke.
"You have nothing to apologize for! With that as your only reference for men, of course you've had doubts, fears and insecurities. Most of the last few months make a lot more sense now, and I'm glad I know. I just wish I could take it all from you."
"In a way you did. You helped me to realize that it's okay to forgive myself and accept forgiveness, I feel so light now, so changed. I can't quite explain it, but I think I know now what your dad meant when he talked about always taking his problems to the foot of the cross. I didn't know what he meant by that until I prayed this morning and gave everything to Him, asked Him for forgiveness, and just gave Him all of the feelings and everything that has happened to me. I just asked Him to take it, and I left it there, it's all gone. I feel so happy and joyful, something I can't remember feeling, the nagging guilt and secrets are gone.
"All of that was a big, ugly barrier that stood between us, I knew with it there I could never have any sort of real relationship with you, or ever allow myself to fully love you, or accept your love. Not with all the secrets and guilt about who I was. The closer we became, even as friends, the bigger and more consuming the guilt became. I hated hiding it all from you, but I feared what would happen if you found out more. But now you know all the ugliness that was my life, and all of that is gone, and I finally feel like I could be a normal person, for the first time in my life.
"I think a part of me will always wonder about my baby, every August second will be hard. I'm sure I'll still have issues with trust and touching, maybe even nightmares and flashbacks, but my heart feels whole for the first time. All of that last night was cathartic." He flashed her that dimpled grin that she loved so much.
"I'm glad, I'm so happy that you were able to find peace in all of this. It's a lot for anyone to have lived through; I am in awe of you. I can't even imagine a fraction of what you've experienced. It's so much to take in, I'm still trying to wrap my head around it." She hadn't really thought about how it would impact him, it was her normal for so long, it was a part of who she was. A painful, horrible part, but it was part of her story, and it was much easier to tell him than she thought it would be, and had gone better than she could have ever fathomed.
"Do you have any questions that might help you process it all? Now that I've gotten all the big stuff out there, I think I can answer the little stuff."
"Actually, I have four big questions that have been rolling around in my mind." She swallowed hard but nodded in encouragement.
"Okay, the first two kind of piggyback each other. How did you escape, and why then? I don't mean to sound crass, but I'm just curious what happened to make that the breaking point, or had you tried before?" These were actually pretty simple and much easier to answer than she thought.
"Honestly, getting out wasn't that hard, as I mentioned, Jack prides himself on being an upstanding criminal. Most of the other girls had been in horrible conditions before coming to Jack's, they were dirty, abused, under-fed, forced to perform upwards of thirty times a day, and constantly moved around, for them Jack was like a dream come true." She saw his face pale and felt a shiver run through him as she spoke.
"That first night, after my time with King they all told me how lucky I was to never have been in the situations they had been in. Jack has most of the city in his back pocket, so no one really asks questions; he can keep them all in one place, and insists on better working conditions like I explained last night, so most of the girls are completely loyal to him and wouldn't dream of leaving." A shiver ran up her spine remembering all of the women she had come to know and love over the last several years and everything they had been through, they were the closest thing to family she had before Brian.
"Sure, he took some precautions to keep us in, but nothing like you would think, Jack's too arrogant and just assumes that everyone else exists to serve him and that no one would dare betray him. He was big on his punishments and assumed that knowing how harsh the punishment would be for leaving would keep us all in. I finally had enough.
"I knew from that first day that it wasn't a good life, it wasn't the life I wanted, I hated every moment of it. It started getting worse, every man more violent than the last, I'm not sure why I always got the ones that liked inflicting pain, but towards the end that's all any man I was with wanted." She paused to try to steady her breathing, and prevent the tears from spilling down her cheeks before continuing.
"The last client I had choked me, I'd been choked before, but I actually lost consciousness a few times, and that's when I knew I was done. I had to get out, I had thought about it a million times, and already had a plan in place. I knew more of the property than anyone else did, I knew where the cameras were, so I was able to avoid them on my way out, I just waited for someone to leave and took advantage of the open gates, as soon as I was out I ran as fast as I could." Brian paled further, and looked like he may be sick. He squeezed her shoulder and drew in closer to him so she could no longer see his face.
"My plan was really stupid, my body was the only thing I knew how to use, I had planned to work for myself, become a free agent, or maybe head outside of Clark County to one of the legal brothels, I heard they actually pay you there. Ultimately, though, I decided I wanted the ability to turn down a client, stupid, I know. But, it's all I knew.
"That's why I approached you, you know. You looked safe, and then you treated me like a person, and you didn't want to sleep with me, you wanted to marry me! I couldn't believe my luck, I thought I could just keep being who I was, but with one man. But, you made me feel again, and I just couldn't." She shrugged and started playing with the hem of the dress she was still wearing; they hadn't changed before falling asleep on the couch. A touch of guilt returned on remembering how she had used him.
She felt his arm tighten around her shoulder, "Hey, no guilt. I already knew that last part, we were both desperate and in need of each other. God brought us together at the right time, and I wouldn't trade what we have for the world. Of course I wish your life had been different, but we can't change the past."
"True, so does that answer your questions?"
"The first two, yes. I'm probably going to regret asking this, but you mentioned it again a moment ago, and I'm really just trying to get a feel for what you experienced." She kept her eyes locked onto her hands in her lap, refusing to look at him, she couldn't stand to see the pain and sorrow she knew she'd find. She could feel him fidgeting, trying to word his next question.
"Okay, well, did he, Jack, I mean…did he hurt you? You mentioned, I just, you mentioned punishment, does that mean he…hit you?" He finally managed to stammer out the question.
"Sometimes. He didn't like us to have bruises; he said it created a bad image for the clients, so he found other creative ways to punish us. The type and severity would vary depending on what we did." She felt his body tense next to her and heard him struggling to calm himself as he choked out a follow up question.
"What do you mean? Did you get in trouble a lot?"
"Not really, my biggest issue is speaking out of turn and mouthing back. His solution for me was to withhold food. His theory was that if he limited what was going in my mouth, m
aybe I'd learn to limit what came out of it." He gasped.
"That explains so much. For the first several weeks you actually cringed almost every time you spoke, you would get this look of absolute terror in your eyes, almost every time you spoke. That's why isn't it? You were used to being punished for it." She just nodded. She could hear the sorrow in his voice, she knew he was crying.
"It also explains why you were so skinny, and why you always clean your plate, even when you're struggling to. You know you can always tell me what you're thinking and feeling right? I'll never punish you or think less of you. I like when you're open and honest with me." He took several deep breaths and she could feel him moving to wipe his tears.
"I know, I may not have at first, but I do now. I'm still learning that not every man is like the ones I knew. I kept waiting for you to turn on me, become what I thought every man was. I guess sometimes I still do." She flushed when she thought of how all of this came out, when she had accused him of cheating.
"That reminds me of my last question." His voice was lighter, and he pulled back again to look at her, most of the pain was gone from his features, but she could still see it lingering in his eyes. "What did I do to make you think I was cheating?" She felt her face get hot and she groaned at her stupidity.
"It's really stupid now that I think about it." She took a deep breath and pushed forward, "I was thinking about how understanding and caring you've been about my boundaries, not touching me and everything. How you never act like it's difficult for you to not touch me and be…intimate with me, so it made me wonder if you even wanted me at all. But, I remembered seeing desire in your eyes a few times, so I thought that probably wasn't it. Most of the men I was with were married and they and the other women would talk about how men had needs and if they weren't getting them fulfilled at home, they would get them fulfilled elsewhere." She shrugged and gave him a sheepish smile. "I guess I just assumed because it's not hard for you to stay away from me, and I've seen you look at me like you were attracted to me before, that that meant you were having your needs met elsewhere." His brows furrowed, and he shook his head with a snort of wry laughter.
"Not hard? My goodness, woman, it's near impossible! It's gotten so much worse since we started sleeping in the same bed and you've started touching me. And those kisses." He groaned. "Those kisses will be the death of me, especially if you give me any more like the one you gave me yesterday afternoon." She blushed remembering how she was so bold and kissed him on the lips, she blushed even further when she realized she wanted to do it again.
"I thought I was going to explode with that kiss, I cherish every time you touch me. It's the sweetest gift you could give me. It takes every bit of strength in my body, and sometimes some I didn't even know I had to resist you." His face softened and he placed his hand lightly on her knee sending jolts of awareness through her body. "But I do, not because I don't want you or find you desirable, believe me, I've never wanted anyone more. I resist because I know you aren't ready, and because I love you, and I never want to do anything to hurt you. Knowing you feel safe and cared for is far more important than any desires I have."
"Oh." It was the only thing she could squeak out, at his admission her heart started racing, her hands grew clammy, and a strange flash of electricity went through her. The room was suddenly charged and intense.
He did want her. That had her on pins and needles in anticipation, instead of in anxiety, and surprisingly, she embraced it instead of fighting it. She finally felt like it was okay to love him, to desire him and to be with him.
"Yeah, 'oh'" he mocked with a small smile and leaned in, their faces almost touching, his eyes bore into hers, seeking, asking permission. Instead of granting it her hands moved of their own accord, her fingers winding in his hair, pulled his lips the rest of the way toward hers. The second their lips met it was like she was on fire, something she had never felt before. Plenty of men had kissed her before, but he was the first, and only man she'd ever kissed or wanted to kiss.
As the kiss spun on and on she tentatively opened her mouth to his and the kiss deepened, they spent several long minutes exploring each other's mouths, and she was shocked to find she couldn't get enough.
Finally, and far too soon, Brian pulled back breathing heavily and staring at her with that hungry look in his eyes. He leaned back, away from her, just slightly and she could see him trying to compose himself, she attempted to do the same, but her heart was determined to beat right out of her chest.
"See, you are determined to kill me," he smirked.
"I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me." She looked down and bit her lip.
"Hey, none of that, I see where this is headed. I'm just teasing you, you can kiss me like that anytime you want to, I promise you won't find me objecting. And before you say it, I know you still aren't ready, and that's still okay. I never want to push you, but I do want you to know that I love you and I do want to make love with you, but not a second before you're ready."
"I love you, too. I'm not sure if you heard me last night, but I realized it then, I do love you. I'm sorry I fought it for so long, thank you for waiting."
"I thought I heard you say it last night, but I was so close to sleep I also thought I may be dreaming. And, I'd wait forever for you." She smiled and leaned in to give him another kiss, this time just a peck. When she pulled back, the clock caught her attention and she jumped up.
"You have to get to work, I'll start breakfast while you hop in the shower." He looked around at the sunlight now streaming through the windows and jumped up as well.
"Shoot, you're right. I would just take the day off and stay here with you but I've missed so much time with my family being back, and then we have that wedding in a few weeks. I need to keep caught up."
"I know, I promised Tammy I'd be in today anyway. Apparently there's a coffee shop opening in town and she's scared to death that this new woman is going to serve better pie than her, so she's set up a meeting to try and scare her out of selling any at all." They both laughed at that, it was a very Tammy thing to do.
"I'll bet she's more worried that all the good gossip will get moved over there." Brian said with a wink as he turned to go to their room.
"By the way, I wanted to ask you, last night you kept apologizing for something, what did you think I was upset about?" She asked him over breakfast, that and what he'd said about Julia had been driving her crazy, but she had had enough heavy topics already this morning.
"I thought I'd scared you when I was running my hand along your shoulder. I thought I'd gone too far with that and you were afraid I was trying to do more than what you were comfortable with." He looked away nervously, traces of last night's concern still etched on his face.
"Hey," she said gently, waiting until his eyes met hers to continue. "You have never done anything to make me uncomfortable, and if you did, I know that I can trust you enough to tell you. I like your hands on me," she said shyly, cheeks aflame as she stared at her half eaten eggs.
"I'm glad you know that…I like my hands on you too," he mumbled the last part and when she looked up at him she noticed his face was stained pink, as she was certain hers was as well.
She cleared her throat, "I've been thinking about that, and I think that it's time that we revisit the no touching rule."
He rose a questioning brow, "Oh yeah?"
"Yeah, I mean I'm still not ready for…you know…uh, yeah," she could feel the heat returning to her cheeks as she looked everywhere but at him, though she noticed he was smirking at her now. "Anyway, we both seem to be in agreement on kissing, cuddling, holding hands, that sort of thing. I was thinking, now that I trust you enough to know that you'd never push me, and that you would stop if I said no, that we could lift that rule, and you could touch me without asking first. I mean as long as you're prepared for the possibility that it may still be too much and I may ask you to stop."
"Really? You trust me that much?" He was grinning so wide she was surp
rised his face wasn't splitting in two, oddly enough, she thought her grin may actually rival his as she nodded.
16
Brian was whistling as he went into work that morning, replaying the morning with his beautiful wife, it had started out with some ugly truths and revelations that made his skin crawl, as did the night before, but all of that was the beginning of a healing that she desperately needed.
It was also a huge step in their relationship, his smile widened as he started toward his office, remembering the deep passionate kiss she'd given him on his way out the door. To think, just twenty-four hours earlier he'd gotten just as excited over a little peck on the cheek. Shaking his head at himself he flipped the light on, and froze.
Sprawled out in his office chair was a completely naked woman, and not the naked woman he'd like to see in his office, he turned his back immediately, and anger flowed through him. Just when things were starting to get better at home this woman had to come along and throw a wrench in it.
"Tasha, get your clothes and get out of my office, now!" He had never raised his voice to a woman before that moment, the only thought in his head was Aria and how she would feel if this got out, the thought of her hurting over this just fueled his anger.
"Sorry, can't," she purred, he heard a clanking noise from behind him, "I'm handcuffed to this chair and you have to find the key and release me."
"Nope," was his only response as he stormed out and down the street to Zimmer's, Aria wouldn't be there yet, she was going to take a shower and clean up breakfast before coming into town, but he hoped Helen would be there for her morning coffee, she could handle this…though, admittedly, it went far beyond her normal secretarial duties. He should have thought to put "control Tasha" in her contract.