by Amanda
"Don't lie to me Brian, I know men cheat on their wives when they aren't doing their duties."
"I'm not lying, I would never—"
"Give me a break, I was a prostitute for twelve years—" she slapped a hand over her mouth, her eyes wide; it was obvious she hadn't meant to let that slip.
Brian felt his own eyes go wide and he lost all control of his jaw muscles as it gaped open. He just stared at her as he tried to process this, she moved back to the couch and curled up in a ball.
How could she have been a prostitute for twelve years, she was only twenty four…son of a…it all made sense now, the nightmares, the not wanting to be touched, the distance, the mistrust of men. If she started prostituting at age twelve it wasn't because she wanted to. Her dad had died when she was twelve, someone must have forced her into it. He knew sex trafficking was still a huge issue, but couldn't believe it was something that she was dealing with on a daily basis, his heart broke further for her.
"You started after your dad died. Someone made you do it, didn't they? No twelve year old would choose that lifestyle." She nodded, confirming his assumptions, but didn't look up. So this was her big secret, the thing she was sure would make her unlovable. He felt more tears stream down his face as his heart broke more thinking of what her life must have been like for the last twelve years.
He tried to swallow the lump in his throat and spoke as evenly as he could. "Aria, I swear to you I have never even thought about cheating on you, I understand why you would think that way, but you need to know that the reason you didn't know men like me is because we aren't the type to go looking for women to sleep with." He tried to put that as delicately as possible. "I love you, and that's why it hasn't been a burden on me to wait for you. We need to discuss all that more, but that can wait, you just need to know for right now that I always will be and always have been faithful to you. Right now, I think we need to talk about what happened to you." She turned to look at him then, studying his face for what felt like hours, but in actuality was less than a minute.
She sighed, "I guess there's no turning back now. I didn't want you to find out this way…or at all. This is why I'm unworthy of you, of your love, because of who I am, what I did." She took a deep breath before launching into her story.
"I told you my mom died when I was eight." She looked to him for confirmation, and he nodded, not wanting to say anything to distract her from finally revealing her secrets to him.
"What I didn't tell you is that my dad blamed himself, it wasn't his fault, but you couldn't convince him of that. After she died he shut down, he drank all the time and was gone more than he was home. I became responsible for myself then, that's when I learned to cook and use my mom's sewing machine to alter my clothes to fit me longer, he rarely had enough money to buy me new ones." He couldn't imagine an eight year old needing to fend for themselves, no wonder she was so independent. The cool formality in which she recounted her story was unnerving, she sounded so distanced from it all. He supposed it was the only way she could tell it.
"I was ten when I first met Uncle Jack." She spat the name like it tasted rotten on her tongue. "He wasn't really my uncle, both of my parents were only children, and both of their parents were gone. Dad told me that I needed to call him that, I didn't understand why at the time. I knew I didn't like the way he looked at me though, it made me feel like I had bugs crawling on my skin. And he stunk so bad." She shivered at the memories, and Brian had to swallow back the bile that was rising in his throat. He thought he knew where this was going, and he didn't want to hear it, but knew he needed to.
"He started buying me nice clothes and paid for a private tutor to come in every day, the school was starting to question my frequent absences and disheveled look, my dad said it would be better to just bring the teacher to me. I had just turned twelve when my dad and Jack sat me down and explained that my dad was in the final stages of prostate cancer, and it wouldn't be long until he passed away. He told me that Uncle Jack was going to take care of me when that happened, that I'd move in with him and he'd make sure I was taken care of. I remember wondering why my dad looked so upset about someone agreeing to take care of their daughter for them." She shook her head, and he saw the tears start to stream again, and heard the catch in her breath. He braced himself for what was to come.
"About four months after that conversation I found out why. My dad died a month to the day after that conversation. I moved in with Jack McPherson, and for a few months I was just a twelve year old girl, my tutor came over and I moped and watched TV in my small room." She shrugged. "I wasn't allowed to any other part of the house but that didn't really surprise me, Jack was pretty strange as it was and I liked being as far from him as I could, he just gave me the creeps." She took another deep breath and let it out.
"My dad had told me that I wouldn't be living with Jack for free, that I would have to work for him at some point. I didn't really understand what that meant, I had no idea what Jack did or who he was. After my dad died and I moved in he told me he'd give me a few months to mourn before I needed to start working for him. I didn't think much of it. The only things he'd required of me up to that point were that I always call him "Uncle" in front of others, I realize now it was so people wouldn't be suspicious, and to stay only in the parts of the house he told me to.
"Then, one night he came in while I was asleep and woke me up, he told me it was time to start earning my keep. He said there was a man named King who wanted to be my first…I didn't even know what that meant at the time." Brian tried to keep the grimace off his face, he could tell what was coming and he could only remember being so angry one other time in his life. She didn't need his anger right now, she needed his understanding and his love. He took a deep breath and tried his best to prepare for the rest of her story.
"All he told me was that King had paid good money for me and I was to do everything he told me without question and if King had any complaints at all that I would be punished. He had me put on a frilly pink dress that I'd never seen before and took me to another room in the house. He told me to sit on the bed until King came in and told me what to do. I remember being terrified, I had no idea what was coming or how to handle it, or what kind of work I was supposed to be doing." She stopped and stared off into the past for several long moments before wiping her tears and continuing.
"When the door finally opened an older man in a nice suit came in, he reminded me of my old principal. He didn't tell me what he wanted or expected, he just pounced at me." Brian flexed his fingers, he'd been clutching his fists so tight that his knuckles had turned white. Aria looked him straight in the eye with a look of determination and pride flickering with the shame and horror that still lingered there.
"I fought him. I fought him with everything in me, I bit, I pinched, I scratched, I ran. I wasn't going to lie there and be a victim, no matter my age or what I owed anyone. I knew what he was doing was wrong, and I fought for my life." Her face fell with the thought of what came next, he knew she wasn't as proud of not winning that fight, but he needed her to know that he was proud of her trying.
"Good, I'm glad you fought him. I hate that this happened to you, but none of it is your fault. You were twelve, I'm sure he had at least a hundred pounds on you, probably more. I'm proud you fought him. You need to be proud of that too." He took a deep breath, deciding if he wanted to risk changing the conversation or not, she needed to get all of this in the open, but he wanted to let her know that she did the right thing. He decided it was worth the risk.
"Julia was raped, in high school, her biggest regret was that she couldn't fight, she was drugged and not able to put up much of a fight. You did what you could, and for that you should be proud of yourself. I'm sorry, I didn't want to derail the conversation, we can talk more about that later, but I felt like you should hear that." She looked shocked when he told her about Julia, she seemed to mull this over for a few seconds before deciding to continue.
"Thank you. I've
always known I did what I should have, but it feels good to have that affirmed by someone else. All of my fighting and screaming just got him more excited, it's what he liked. Of course, he won in the end and got what he wanted. He was my most regular visitor from then on, always wanting me to put up a fight with him just like that first time. I've always had a hard time reconciling that. I mean, I didn't want to do it, so putting up a fight just came naturally, but I was also giving him exactly what he wanted, so I've always wondered if I had just laid down and taken it if he would have left me alone. I don't know…it's so confusing." She shook her head, it was obvious this was something she regularly struggled with.
"Honey, look at me, please. Never feel guilty for trying to save yourself. You did what was right, whether he enjoyed it or not, you did what was right, you did what you could. Don't beat yourself up over that. He was the sick and twisted one in all this."
"You're right, I know you are. It's just one of those things." She shrugged, and he nodded in understanding. "Anyway, sorry, I know this is a lot, but now that I've started I just want you to know it all, I'm tired of secrets."
He interrupted her, "I can tell you're still nervous about me knowing all of this, I can tell you still have reservations about how I'm going to react, if I'm still going to want you after knowing all of this. I can tell you right now the answer is yes. My love is unconditional, no deal breakers, remember? Don't get me wrong, this all turns my stomach and makes me more violent than I've ever felt before, but nothing towards you. This isn't your fault, and I still love you, and always will." He'd never been so convicted about anything before; he loved this woman and would do everything in his power to show her.
"We'll see how you feel once I'm finished with my story." She cringed and he could see the sorrow consume her features. "Anyway, after that night Jack brought me to a few more men, but still kept me mostly separated from the other girls, which I found out all lived downstairs. He took me to them to help me clean up and understand what had happened after my first time, but other than that, he kept me separate from them. I usually only saw one man a day, and some days I didn't have any. Those were the best days. King was by far my most frequent customer, most of my nightmares are about him. I hated every experience I had there, but I hate the ones with him the most. I'm not sure if it's because he was the first, the most frequent, or the most violent. But, just thinking about that man makes me want to run and hide.
"For the first five years everything pretty much stayed the same, I was isolated from the other girls and only had a few regulars, once in a while I'd get a new one, but because I was so young Jack was very careful about who was allowed to know about me. He prided himself on running one of the most upstanding illegal operations around." She scoffed and shook her head in disgust.
"He didn't deal in child prostitution, aside from me, that is. He kept his girls clean, well fed, up to date on STD testing, well supplied in birth control, relatively bruise free, and limited their partners to only a handful a day. He liked to say it was because he cared about us, but we all knew it was so he could charge more for a higher quality product. The fewer partners we had in a day, the better we could perform for our clients." A chill ran down his spine, the way she talked about herself and the other women as no more than products to be bought and sold had him choking back his rage and his dinner.
"A few weeks before my eighteenth birthday he moved me downstairs with the other girls, I still had my own room, he said he promised my dad I always would, but other than that I was just like all of the rest of them. Old enough to be available to any one that wanted me, I didn't have any free days after that. And so went the last seven years of my life, until I escaped and met you." It all made sense now.
"That night, after the fireworks when you explained to me about shutting your emotions off and being able to do what needed to be done, this is what you meant, isn't it? You were talking about how you dealt with your life, distanced yourself because you didn't have a choice. I suspected you'd been abused, but I never fathomed anything like this. Honey, I am so sorry this happened to you." She shrugged and batted at the tears on her cheeks. He wanted to comfort her, but he didn't know how, not with something this heavy.
"Yeah, I just sort of went inside myself and didn't allow myself to feel anything after my abor—, uh, I guess I left that part out." She stopped herself and took several deep breaths preparing herself to tell him the next part, though he was pretty certain he could guess the latter half of the word she cut off.
"I got pregnant at fifteen, I was on birth control and Jack made the men wear condoms, except for King, he didn't like the way they felt, he was a high paying repeat customer, so Jack let him do whatever he wanted. When I got pregnant I was sure it was his, he paid for the abortion. Jack told me I didn't have a choice, I wanted her to live. I knew I couldn't raise her, but I didn't want to kill her. I wanted her to have a good family, like with the Ericksons, you know?" Her tears were flowing harder and faster now, and his own had picked up speed as well, her story was the most heart wrenching thing he'd ever heard. These were the types of things you read in the paper or hear about on the news, not the things that happen to those you love.
"She was a girl?" Maybe it was inappropriate to ask, but the way her voice softened whenever she mentioned her revealed how much she loved and missed the baby she never had the chance to know, and he wanted to know as much of her as there was to know.
She shrugged, "I wasn't far enough along to tell, I've just always felt like she was a girl. I've apologized to her every day since, it'll be nine years on August second and not a day goes by when I don't think about her, about what I did to her.
"Now do you see what I mean? Why I'm not good enough for you? I'm a whore that killed her baby, Brian, I'm sorry I've wasted your time and money. You don't deserve to be married to a monster like me." Her body was heaving and her breath and words were coming out ragged between sobs.
Before he could even contemplate his reaction he was on his feet headed toward the sofa, he bent down and scooped her up, sitting in the spot she had been in, and held her firmly against his chest, rocking softly from side to side. She didn't protest, just snuggled into his chest while he held her.
"I just have two things to say." He said, as calmly as possible, she pulled back and looked at him with fear in her wide eyes. "First, no one, and I mean no one, calls my wife a whore and a monster, especially not my wife. She was a victim of circumstance, she didn't make those choices, she had them forced on her, she did her best to get out, and she finally did. Second, no, I don't see what you mean. There are no deal breakers, understand?" She nodded, eyes still wide staring up at him.
"I mean it, none. I love you, I'm sorry all of that happened to you, but it's not your fault. None of it, it doesn't change the way I feel about you, though it does make me want to go hunt down every man that ever laid a finger on you against your will. Every man that haunts your memories and scares you, I want to find them and teach them a lesson on respecting a lady. You are a strong, intelligent, caring, amazing woman who had a hell of a hard life and managed somehow to rise above it all and pull herself out. That was the only life you knew, yet you knew you needed more, you deserved better and you managed to get your way out. Don't for one second doubt yourself. You are worthy of love, don't doubt that."
She sighed and tucked her head into his neck and they both sat there silently for several long moments, absorbing everything that had been revealed, everything she had lived through, and still lived with every day.
Just as he was about to drift off he could swear he heard Aria whisper, "I love you too, Brian. I'm so glad it was you that saved me."
15
When Aria woke, she was surprised to find herself still snuggled against Brian's chest, his cheek resting on her head. The previous night's discussion came back to her, and for the first time she didn't feel the familiar guilt and shame that normally accompanied those memories. She felt lighter, free somehow. All of
her walls had been broken down. Everything was out in the open and Brian still loved her, still wanted her in his life, he wasn't kicking her out and he wasn't disgusted by everything that she'd seen and done.
Hearing him tell her that it wasn't her fault and that she'd done all she could gave her the validation she didn't know she had needed. Hearing him affirm that gave her the last bit of strength she needed to forgive herself, and to accept the forgiveness she knew was being offered to her by Christ. She was finally able to let it all go and accept the peace that He was offering her.
She looked around to find it was still dark out, the clock revealed that it was just after four, she knew Brian had to work in a few hours, so she didn't want to wake him. Carefully moving off of Brian's lap, she moved to the other end of the couch and knelt down, taking the last step that she'd been avoiding taking for the last several weeks. She had been bogged down by her guilt and shame, but that was all gone now. Admitting it all to Brian left her free to feel, to pray, and to love.
She began to pray, giving everything she had to God, all the years of hurt and pain, all the doubts, all the guilt over killing her child, and all of her gratitude for leading her out at that time on that day and bringing her to Brian, for being with her when she couldn't sense Him.
She knelt there in front of the couch praying and crying for what felt like hours, when her tears were finally dry and her heart was full of joy and peace instead of guilt and shame, she looked up and saw Brian smiling widely at her. She smiled back at him and moved to snuggle next to him on the couch.
Suddenly she remembered telling him she loved him as she was falling asleep the previous night, he hadn't responded, so she wondered if he even heard. She hoped he had, it was the first time she'd said the words to anyone outside of her family, and she wanted him to hear them the first time she said them to him. It had been a night of firsts.