Musclebound

by Liza Cody

  ‘Time for your weight-training,’ he said.

  ‘Where’s Milo?

  ‘I gave the puppy dog to Cousin Carmen fer to calm his nerves.’

  It was four in the afternoon, and usually that’s a good time to get up. If you can get up. Me – I couldn’t even shout at Keif. I took a deep breath to bawl him out for not bringing Milo home, and my back went into spasm.

  ‘Eh, eh, honey babe,’ Keif said. ‘You hurt or what? Lay yerself down.’

  I could hardly even do that. It was the curse of Wozzisname. I was paralysed in a scrunched-up position with a sock in one hand and all I could do was topple sideways on to the bunk just like Wozzisname toppling off the wall. He did this to me.

  ‘What you done, woman?’ Keif said.

  ‘Wrecked me back.’

  ‘You don’t want to go weight-training, just say so. Some folks do anything to get out of work.’

  ‘Ooof!’

  ‘What’s that? You chattin’ back or what? Just stay cool. Relax.’

  Have you noticed? When it’s the last thing you can possibly do, people tell you to relax. Having a baby? Your whole family’s just been wiped out by a nuclear cloud? Your back’s in spasm? Relax. A dead bloke reached out of the river and put a hex on you? Just relax, babe. Stay cool.

  Thanks a whole bloody bundle, Keif, honey babe.

  ‘Fuck off,’ I said, but Keif had already gone.

  It couldn’t be anyone but Wozzisname. I got a back like an ox. I got more muscle in my back than most two people put together. I’m proud of my back. It never ever gave me no bother before. So what’s different now? Wozzisname. That’s what.

  I think, now, I should of said a few words when I tipped him in the water. A few nice words, I mean. I did say a few words only they wasn’t the sort of words a dead bloke wants to hear. I should of said something like what they say at funerals. Just to make sure he didn’t come back and hex me. Only I don’t know what they say at funerals.

  I never thought about it before – but why do you think they write stuff like ‘Rest In Peace’ on gravestones? Well, if you ask me, they don’t do that ‘cos they hope the dead bloke will have a nice quiet time when he’s under the gravestone. No. It ain’t a hope. It’s an order. It means, ‘Stay there. Don’t come crawling back to put the whammy on me, mate.’ You rest. Give me the peace. Or stay cool. Relax. Which is what I’ll put on Keif’s gravestone. Which he’ll be needing sooner than he thinks.

  No. No. Don’t listen. I can’t talk like that no more. I can’t talk like I want to do for Keif.

  That’s part of the curse of Wozzisname. He’s taken all the fun out of saying stuff like, ‘I’ll sodding kill you.’ A killer can’t say that no more without she means it. Or she might mean it. For true. Who knows what she means any more.

  I didn’t say, ‘I’ll sodding kill you,’ to Wozzisname. But I did kill him. I didn’t mean to. But I did. So I can’t go round saying the words no more. Because, now, they’re for real. They ain’t pretend words no more. Wozzisname took all the pretend out of the words.

  Then Simone turned up. I’d given up on her. I’d wanted her, I’d waited for her all night. She didn’t come. And I thought we was back to square one – I’d have to wait another ten years before I saw her again.

  She walked in and I couldn’t even sit up.

  ‘Eva,’ she said, ‘I … where’s …?’

  ‘Shut up,’ I said. ‘Keifs around.’

  ‘Where?’

  ‘Dunno.’ I couldn’t even look her in the eye ‘cos I was lying down.

  She sat on the edge of the bunk next to me. ‘Why aren’t you up?’ she said. She smelled of scent and soap.

  ‘I wrecked my back,’ I said. ‘Last night.’

  ‘Oh,’ she said. ‘Where …?’

  ‘Shshsh,’ I said.

  ‘I was only going to ask where you put my car,’ she said.

  ‘Oh,’ I said.

  ‘Well?’ she said.

  ‘Don’t ask,’ I said.

  ‘It’s important.’

  ‘Oh is it?’ I said. ‘Wasn’t it important last night? Wasn’t it? Where the fuck was you? Doing something important?

  ‘Shshsh, yes,’ she said. ‘I’ve got something really awful to tell you.’

  ‘Eat it,’ I said. ‘Chew it and eat it yourself. You walked out on me.’ I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t take any more bad news. She walked off and left me when I was in more trouble than a one-legged matador in a bullring.

  ‘What’re you so umpty about?’ she said. ‘Boyfriend gave you a hard time? Is that how you did your back in?’

  ‘WHAT?’ And my back spasmed so hard I nearly reared off the bunk.

  ‘Well he was here last night and you say he’s around now.’

  ‘He didn’t stay. He ain’t my boyfriend. He ain’t. I got rid of him. Like you was supposed to do with yours. But you didn’t. You fucked off with him. You just blew – like you always do.’

  ‘I didn’t just blow,’ she said. ‘You’ve simply no idea what I went through last night.’

  ‘Big bloody deal,’ I said. ‘What about what I went through?’

  ‘Shut up,’ she said. ‘We can’t talk about that if your. personal trainer’s coming back. There’s something else, so shut up and listen.’

  ‘Or what?’ I said. ‘Wotcha going to do? Walk out? Make me count to two hundred? Wotcha going to do, eh?’ And I sort of went, ‘Wooof,’ ‘cos my back knocked the breath out of me. It’s really hard to fight with someone when you’re lying flat and your back keeps going into spasm.

  I said, ‘I don’t want to fight with you, Simone.’

  ‘Really?’ she said. ‘I thought that’s what you did best.’

  She sounded so cold and sarcastic I thought she was going to walk out. There wasn’t anything I could do to stop her. I couldn’t even see her face. I buried my head in my arms. She didn’t say anything for a while, and I thought she might’ve gone.

  Then she said, ‘Oh poor Eva. Last night really knocked the stuffing out of both of us, didn’t it?’

  ‘’s OK,’ I said. But she started stroking my hair with her soapy hand and it made me feel better.

  ‘Please don’t let’s quarrel,’ she said. ‘It was so horrible last night. So horrible. But it’s going to be even worse if we quarrel. If we fight, we’ve let the bastards beat us. We can’t let them destroy us, Eva. I know what you did, Eva. But I’m standing by you the best way I can.’

  She stroked my head and Wozzisname sank down in the river where he belonged.

  I said, ‘I don’t understand, Simone. I don’t understand what happened. I don’t understand why Wozzisname came here.’

  ‘That’s what I’ve got to tell you,’ she said. ‘But you’ve got to stay calm. Please, Eva, stay calm and let me talk. Shall I get you a little drink first? For your nerves.’

  ‘Later,’ I said. ‘Don’t go away.’ I wanted her to keep on stroking my hair. And she did. It was better than a drink.

  She said, ‘Eva, do you remember, a couple of days ago, you went to see Ma and she was moving out so as not to pay the rent?’

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘But the rent man came and you had a bit of a tiswas and you ended up paying everything Ma owed.’

  ‘Yeah,’ I said. ‘He had a baseball bat or he’d never of got past me.’

  ‘Shshsh,’ she said, stroking. ‘It’s OK. But the thing is, you had a whole pile of money, and Ma got it into her head that you’d come into a fortune. This is what I found out last night, Eva.’

  ‘How? How did you find out?’

  ‘That guy,’ she said. ‘That guy who was hanging around. The one you thought was my boyfriend. He isn’t my boyfriend. I told you, Eva, I’ve just come back from abroad. And I told you I’d been married. Didn’t I?’

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘Well, I’m like you, Eva. It was a rotten marriage, and I don’t want to know about guys any more. So that guy wasn’t my boyfriend. He was one of Ma’s…’


  ‘One of Ma’s what?’

  ‘Shshsh,’ she said, ‘don’t get so excited. I was going to say he’s one of Ma’s boyfriends but I don’t think she’s known him long enough to call him that.’

  ‘But you said he was yours,’ I said. ‘You did.’

  ‘I know,’ she said. ‘But your trainer guy was there. We didn’t want him knowing our business. Did we? Well, did we?’

  ‘No!’

  ‘So I said the first thing that came into my head. I wasn’t exactly thinking straight.’

  ‘Me neither.’

  ‘No. I didn’t want Keith knowing anything, so I just said the easiest thing. Because I didn’t know why one of Ma’s fellers would be looking for me, and I didn’t know why he’d be looking for me at your place. It all seemed very wrong.’

  ‘But you went off with him. You fucked off and left me for him.’

  ‘Take it easy, Eva. I had to. You don’t understand. He was one of the guys who was dragging me away. He was the one who put a knife to my throat. The other one … well, you know what happened to the other one. Both those awful guys were Ma’s fellers.’

  ‘What!’ I said. And my back kicked me in the guts again – ooof.

  ‘Steady,’ she said. ‘You promised you’d stay calm. I haven’t finished yet.’

  ‘What else?’ I said. ‘Why?’

  ‘For money,’ she said. ‘Why else? Ma cooked up this plan with two of her boyfriends. Oh, Eva, it’s so stupid, so cruel, I can hardly tell you. I’m so ashamed. I’m so ashamed Ma’s our mother.’

  I wish I could of seen her face. Her voice was almost choked up with tears when she talked about being ashamed of Ma. But I was lying down and I couldn’t sit up and put my arm round her.

  ‘I’m so ashamed,’ she said. ‘I thought it was because of something you did. But it wasn’t – it was my fault. You killed one of Ma’s fellers and it was my fault.’

  ‘Don’t cry,’ I said. ‘Don’t. It wasn’t your fault. I panicked.’

  ‘But I was blaming you. Afterwards. When we were trying to get rid of… you know … and I shouted at you.’

  ‘But we was both shitting ourselves. Like, it wasn’t a good time for neither of us.’

  ‘But you don’t see,’ she said. ‘It was Ma’s plan, because she knows how you feel about me. How I feel about you. Why d’you think she suddenly told me where to find you after all these years? Why now?’

  ‘She thinks I’m loaded?’

  ‘Yes, that’s why. She thought she could get your money through me. I told you it was stupid. I said it was cruel. She thought, if she got us back together again, we’d care about each other again and then she could use me against you. She’s unbelievable, Eva. She’s our mother. How could she cook all this up against us?’

  ‘Don’t cry, Simone,’ I said. ‘It ain’t no big surprise to me. She ain’t a proper ma. Never was. Never will be. She’s a toad and she laid spawn in a puddle. That’s us. You and me. She never thinks she got to care for us. That ain’t what toads do. We got to take care of ourselves.’

  ‘But she’s our mum.’

  ‘How?’ I said. ‘How was she ever our mum? You might of thought so ‘cos you was the pretty one and she was nicer to you. But when the chips is down we’re both toadspawn and she ain’t a proper mum.’

  ‘You’re so calm, Eva,’ she said. ‘I thought you’d go ape-shit.’

  ‘I ain’t shocked, if that’s what you mean. You’re the one who’s shocked.’

  ‘I expected better.’

  ‘See, that’s where we’re different,’ I said. And it was funny, because, now I knew the worst, I did feel quite calm. And there was a bit of space in my brain where I could feel sorry for Simone. If Simone had even the littlest idea that Ma loved her then Simone was very wrong and very sad. It’s always sad when someone comes down from Cloud Cuckoo Land with a bump.

  ‘But, Eva,’ she said, ‘don’t you get it? Those two fellers of hers – they were faking an abduction. Ma and those two fellers were going to make you pay for me. They were going to threaten my life and then sell me to you.’

  ‘You don’t have to spell it out,’ I said. ‘I ain’t stupid.’ Because the one thing Wozzisname said before I threw the tyre-iron at him was, ‘Make one move and you’ll never see your sister again.’ I should of thought then, how did he know Simone was my sister? But I didn’t think, did I? He knew because that was the whole point. Simone and me is sisters and we take care of each other, and that was what Ma was going to use against us.

  ‘But it all got balled up,’ I said.

  ‘What got balled up?’ said Keif, blowing in like he owned the place.

  Chapter 16

  The Static juddered ‘cos Keif’s a big guy and he bounced in without knocking. Simone was so startled she leapt off the bunk.

  ‘Why don’t you knock?’ I yelled. ‘You jump in like it’s your house not mine. We’re having a private conversation.’

  ‘You always so please to see me,’ he said. ‘You warm this heart of mine. So what’s this thing got balled up?’

  ‘My life,’ I said. ‘When I met you.’

  ‘Ah sweetness, you say these pretty things. Now, in return, I’ll mend your back.’

  ‘Later,’ I said. ‘We’re talking.’ Because I wanted to go on talking to Simone. I wanted her to go on stroking my hair. We were so close. And she forgave me. It was like all the forgiving I’d ever need. And at last I was beginning to understand what happened last night.

  ‘No,’ he said, ‘not later. Now. Before the damage ’come permanent. Leave it till later, we’ll need Cousin Carmen.’

  ‘Shit,’ I said.

  ‘Surprise at you, Eva,’ he said. ‘You an athlete, an’ all. You should know these things or what.’

  ‘What you going to do?’ I didn’t trust him an inch.

  ‘Embrocation. Manipulation. No aggravation.’

  ‘Voodoo fuckin’ digits,’ I said.

  ‘You got it,’ he said.

  ‘You ain’t going to make me piss Niagara Falls again?’

  ‘What?’ said Simone.

  ‘Last time,’ I said. ‘His Cousin Carmen …’

  ‘Well,’ she said, ‘you won’t need me then, will you.’

  ‘Don’t go,’ I said. ‘Don’t go, Simone. I do need you.’

  ‘Eva can’t get up,’ Keif said. ‘Probably ain’t had nothing to eat since last night. Nothing to drink neither. Put the kettle on, woman. I’ll have two sugars in mine.’

  ‘You’ve got a nerve!’ Simone said.

  ‘Got a finely tuned athlete here,’ Keif said. ‘Got to look after her. Scrambled eggs is dandy. But not too much butter. Oh, and wholegrain toast. None of that white rubbish.’

  ‘Are you going to let him talk to me like that?’ Simone said.

  But I couldn’t move. I had to lie there, face down, helpless. It was like I was a little kid – I couldn’t see nothing but legs. And I had to put up with Keif and his big hands and his patter.

  ‘Chill,’ he said, ‘relax.’ Like anyone could chill when a bloke pulls all the clothes off your back.

  ‘Don’t go, Simone.’ I was desperate.

  ‘Be still,’ he said. ‘She ain’t leaving ‘cept it’s to buy fresh milk and eggs. That right, Simone? You be cool. I ain’t sexin’ you or nothing, even though you beggin’.’

  ‘Bugger OFF!’ I yelled. But it hurt to yell so I just had to lie there.

  ‘What you done here?’ he went. ‘Oh, whoa, heat, yeah, inflammation. What you been doin’, Eva, carrying houses? Pushin’ bungalows? Oh yeah, mischief in the lumbar region … You been dissing your lumbar region …’

  And so on, and those big hot hands got bigger and hotter and hotter and bigger until I thought he’d put a boiling kettle on the small of my back.

  ‘Fuckin’ ow-ow-ow!’ I went. And suddenly there was a … well, like a flash of pink light – pouf – and … well, what? I don’t know. I sort of dropped off the rim of the bath and went round a
nd round and down the plug-hole.

  When I woke up me eyes was watering and there was a bad smell.

  ‘What’s going on?’ I said. ‘What a pong! Your embrocation’s as foul as your flu cure.’

  ‘Your sister burnt the toast,’ he said. ‘Ain’t the embrocation.’

  ‘This isn’t a kitchen,’ Simone said. ‘It’s more like a vagrant’s campsite. What do you eat, Eva? There’s nothing to cook with.’

  So she was still there. I felt ever so peaceful and maybe I dozed for a couple of minutes. But afterwards I could sit up on the bunk and eat my eggs and burnt toast.

  Simone was complaining and cross. ‘I don’t cook,’ she was saying. ‘I’m not your damn wife. Who scrambles eggs any more?’ So if Keif hadn’t been there it would of been like we was real family. But Keif was strutting tall and so full of hisself he needed two Statics.

  ‘How ‘bout that, eh?’ he said. ‘Genius or what? Am I good or am I good?’

  ‘So you do a decent back-rub,’ Simone said. ‘So what?’

  ‘Ask Eva, so what. Ask her. She couldn’t even lie down. Now look. What am I, Eva?’

  ‘You’re a cocky bugger,’ I said. ‘OK, OK – you got good hands.’ I was too relieved to put him down.

  ‘Told you. Din’t I tell you?’

  ‘You told us,’ Simone said. ‘What I want to know is, what’s in it for you? Why’re you hanging around? What’re you doing here?’

  ‘What she pay me for,’ he said. ‘She want fitness, that’s what she gets. Plus a little extra ‘cos she wise enough to hire pure talent.’

  ‘He’s my personal trainer, Simone,’ I said.

  ‘She needs me.’

  ‘There’s more important things than body-building,’ Simone said. ‘There’s much more, isn’t there, Eva?’

  It was a shame. I wanted to think we was normal, that there was just her and me and a bit of argy-bargy with Keif. I didn’t want to think about how I wrecked my back or about Ma and Wozzisname. Having a bad back and eating burnt toast was like a holiday from all that. I didn’t want it to stop.

  I said, ‘I got to get fit again.’

  ‘See?’ said Keif. ‘It ain’t body-building. It’s yer life. It’s yer discipline. It’s what keeps you alive and gets you out of bed in the morning. You can’t rely on your body, what’ve you got?’