Saven Defiance (The Saven Series Book 4)

by Siobhan Davis

  CHAPTER 23

  I wake up with a jolt, heart thumping and my body pulsing with need. Sweat drips down my back and in the gap between my breasts. The dream-slash-memory resurfaces in vivid detail, and tears stream out of my eyes. A huge sob travels up my throat and escapes my mouth. Ax is beside me in a jiffy, rubbing his sleep-laden eyes awake.

  He’s so attuned to me, and it breaks my heart. The more my memories resurface, the harder it is to deny his feelings. Life has dealt him a really shitty hand, and I can’t help feeling partly responsible. Claiming I’m a guilt-free zone is becoming more and more of a lie. I hate that he’s hurting because of me, and I honestly don’t know how I’m going to break the news to him about Logan and me.

  Ax doesn’t hesitate, cradling me in his arms. I recoil from his embrace, pushing him away. I can’t bear his touch, not after what I’ve just witnessed. It all feels so wrong. Logan is my partner for life, and I don’t want to remember my past with Ax. I don’t want to remember how comfortable I felt in his arms. How easy and natural it appeared to be. And I hate that my body still reacts to his touch. I deplore the whole messy situation. Though the thought is wrong on so many different levels, I wish someone could erase me from Ax’s mind. To give him some peace. To enable him to move forward with his life. To free me from this crippling guilt.

  All my anguish releases in one ugly torrent. Everything I’ve been trying to keep caged inside. Pain and grief over Ella. Sadness for Ax. Guilt about Logan. Worry for the world. All wrapped up in an unhealthy layer of self-revulsion and loathing. I sob relentlessly while Ax looks on forlornly, his fists twitching at his side.

  My eyes hone in on a small circular pink chip on the bed, and I stop crying. Squinting behind blurry eyes, I reach out and pick it up. It’s filmy and cool to the touch. “What’s this?” I arch a brow.

  “Nothing!” Ax snatches it from me and spins around on the bed, putting his back in my face.

  Weird.

  “Sorry,” I mutter, when he turns back around. Sorry for everything. For messing up your life so spectacularly.

  “Do you want to talk about it?” he asks softly.

  I’m not sure if it’s wise, but I want to tell him. Maybe it will give some substance to my claims—that I do still care about him even if the nature of our relationship has changed. I look up into his adoring gaze and sadness consumes me. Ax deserves to be loved. If things were different, and I hadn’t met Logan, I can see how easy it would be to fall in love with him all over again. “I had another recollection. At least, I think it was, unless it was just a dream.” My lip wobbles.

  “Tell me.” He moves to wrap his arms around my waist, but I shake my head. His mouth droops as his arms fall loose at his side. Another pang of guilt washes over me, but I can’t permit him to touch me, no matter how much the vision upset me or how natural it feels to be held in his arms. It would only confuse the situation, and that’s not fair to him.

  “We were in this beautiful cove, with an amazing waterfall and …” I trail off as I look up at him. A huge smile transforms his face.

  “It’s the Felanga Nature Reserve. We had permission to vacation there once a year, for a weekend, provided we were escorted by guards. You loved it there.” His eyes glisten as he conjures up memories in his mind.

  No wonder I always hankered to see the sea.

  “I didn’t see any guards.” My brow furrows.

  “Were you wearing a black and gold bikini, by any chance?” He grins knowingly. My brows flick up. “For only some of the time?” He speaks intimately in my ear, and his warm breath lingers on my skin, heating certain parts of me. Hugely uncomfortable, I crawl down the bed until I’ve created some space between us.

  A fresh dart of pain contorts his face, but he tries his best to shield it.

  “Yes,” I whisper, looking down at the comforter.

  “It was our honeymoon,” he confirms. My eyes tilt up and lock on his. He is lost in thought. “My mom was away on business when we were secretly married and mated, and I was able to bribe a few of the guards into turning a blind eye for a couple of days so we could enjoy the reserve alone.” He moves closer, kneeling in front of me. Emotion radiates from him in powerful waves. “Those were, hands down, the best days of my life.” He trails his fingers across my face, leaving hot, shivery tremors in his wake. Oh, God. I don’t want to feel this, to react to his touch with any indication of interest.

  Why is my body so prepared to betray my heart and my soul?

  And how can my body respond to Ax in a similar way it responds to Logan?

  It’s confusing, and it only adds to the burgeoning turmoil swirling inside me. I wish he would stop touching me, and I’m sure I’ve more than made my intentions clear.

  “We made love so many times I lost count”—my cheeks flare up—“and it was the best feeling ever. I still remember what it was like to be lost inside you, absorbed in bliss, feeling as if I could never get enough.” He drops his hand as pain batters him from all sides. “Maybe, subconsciously, I knew I never would.”

  Bringing his knees to his chest, he buries his head in them. I’m horrified when his huge, potently masculine body starts heaving. Compassion and shame hit me at once. I want to reach out to comfort him but I can’t. “I’m so sorry, Ax. I hate that you’re hurting. That I’ve hurt you.”

  Lifting his head, he angles his body so he’s facing me. For the first time, I see the true extent of his suffering. Stormy clouds swirl behind his red-rimmed damp eyes. Tiny lines furrow his brow. Raw pain and anguish seep into the surrounding space as he allows me to witness his utter devastation. “I don’t think I can go on without you. I want to die,” he chokes out.

  I wish I had some magic formula to eradicate his pain. “Please don’t mean that.”

  “You’re my wife, Sadie, and I want to be with you.” He stares intently into my eyes. “I want you to, at least, give me a chance. Can’t you do that? You’ve chosen him without a second thought. Without discovering anything about our past.” He clasps my arms, pulling me into him.

  I should tell him.

  That I’ve bound myself to Logan in every way possible, and there’s no extracting myself from that, even if I wanted to, which I don’t. No matter how much I hate that he’s hurting, or how much I wish to ease his pain, I can’t peel back my heart and rip out the one person who makes it beat so fervently. While I can no longer deny that I love Ax too, Logan is my one true love. I don’t need to question that.

  He is my everything, and he always will be.

  In this moment, I ache for one look, one touch, one word—one anything—from Logan. I miss him. I want him. I wish he were here with me right now.

  Ignoring my wishful thinking, I refocus on Ax just as he moves his mouth toward mine. His intent is clear, and I panic. Jumping back, I whack my head off the base of the top bunk. Wincing, I slam one hand into his chest, keeping him at bay while I massage my sore head with the other. “No, Ax.” I shake my head. “That isn’t true.” I speak in soft, low tones. “I will always love you—don’t ever doubt that—but I love Logan more. I’ve given him my heart for eternity, and I will never change my mind. I know this is difficult for you, but you need to let me go. For both our sakes. What we shared was precious and special, but it’s in the past. I’m not the same girl you knew. I’m a different person now. I’ve moved on and you need to, too.”

  So much emotion rests between us as he stares wordlessly at me. An impassive screen covers his features again as he invokes protective mode. Sliding off the bed, he returns to his bunk. “As you wish.” His voice is cold and detached as he slips under the comforter, keeping his back to me.

  An abundance of sorrow creeps over me as I close my eyes and try to go back to sleep. But my troubled mind refuses to release me, and I spend the rest of the night, tossing and turning, in a semi-conscious state of mind.

  Jarod rises early the next morning, and I’m grateful. What I’m about to do has weighed heavily on my mind. He
hands me a familiar black and silver bodysuit and matching helmet. Thanks to an active imagination, I don’t need to ask how he acquired Amaretti uniforms. I can easily surmise. Accepting them without uttering a word, I slip quietly out of bed.

  After changing, I arrive back at our bunks, and I’m surprised to see Ax already up and similarly attired. My stomach drops when I realize he intends to come with us. I close my eyes and pray for strength. After last night, I thought he’d definitely prefer to keep his distance, but his stubbornness clearly knows no bounds.

  I open my mouth to speak, but he gets there first. “I’m not asking your permission. I’m coming and that’s that.” He folds his arms sternly across his chest.

  “Ax, I—”

  “Save your breath.” He leans into me, and there’s a hard edge to his tone and his look that scares me. “Just because you don’t care about me anymore doesn’t mean I have stopped caring about you. Your safety is the only reason I came to Earth with you, and I won’t be leaving your side, whether you like it or not. Understood.”

  “I never said—” I start to protest his misinterpretation.

  “I’ll wait by the door,” he interrupts me, stomping off as Jarod arrives with two red cups of coffee and some buttered toast.

  “Here.” He thrusts a cup and slice of toast in my hand. “Let’s eat and walk.”

  We don’t talk at all until we are out in the tunnel. Ax stalks ahead of us, refusing to even look at me. I rub a sore spot over my chest. Jarod glances keenly at me. “I heard you two talking in the middle of the night,” he admits, taking a bite out of his toast.

  “Great.” I take a big slurp of my coffee. “Suppose that means everyone knows.”

  “I don’t think so. The others were asleep. Do you feel up to telling me about him?” He nudges his head in Ax’s direction. “He’s tied to your past, isn’t he?”

  I sigh in resignation. “Yeah. Prepare yourself. You’re not gonna believe it, and … I need you to keep an open mind. Can you do that?” Jarod’s aversion to anything alien is legendary, and I’m not sure how he’s going to take the news of my heritage. I don’t want to lose any more friends.

  “I’ll try.” He bites into his toast as he sends an inquisitive look my way.

  I pull on his arm and stop him. “You’re my best friend, Jarod.” Tears well in my eyes. “I can’t lose you too.”

  “Hey!” He presses a firm kiss to my forehead. “Nothing you could tell me will change my opinion of you. You’re like a sister to me. Hell, you’re pretty much the only family I have. Whatever you say isn’t going to change that.”

  “Promise?” I whisper.

  “I promise.” He kisses my forehead again and pulls me into his arms. Out of the corner of my eye, I spot Ax up ahead, leaning against the side of the wall, looking, for all intents and purposes, like he doesn’t give a damn. But I know better.

  Sighing, I shuck out of Jarod’s embrace and toss him a one-shouldered shrug. “Let’s keep moving.”

  We advance through the tunnel as I fill him in on my past, leaving nothing out. He listens patiently, never interrupting, but he’s taut, tense, and his fists clench and unclench repeatedly at his side.

  We step into the crumbling, old red-bricked building with the holey roof as I finish speaking. Jarod turns to face me. We are toe to toe, as I cautiously look up at him. A mixture of grief and anger is splayed across his face. “God, Sadie.” He pulls me into his arms, hugging me tight. “I can’t believe that happened to you.” He holds me at arm’s length. “I always knew you were special, just not how much.” He smiles and I can see how much of an effort it is.

  Ax coughs purposefully, and Jarod’s features transform in a split second. Turning around, with me tucked under his arm, he growls at Ax. “I don’t understand how you don’t hate him. You’re too nice, Sadie.”

  “It’s not his fault.” I immediately jump to his defense.

  “The hell it isn’t! He let his mother do that to you!” His voice has raised a few notches and Ax stiffens.

  I’m not in the mood for another standoff, so I attempt to diffuse the situation before it turns nasty. “You weren’t there. I was, and he did his best.” The sense of déjà vu is hard to ignore. This is pretty much a carbon copy of the convo I had previously with Logan. I pull on Jarod’s arm, drawing his gaze away from Ax. “I get that you’re indignant on my behalf, and I’m so relieved that you’ve accepted me and what I’ve told you, but please don’t take it out on him. He’s hurting and I can barely live with myself as it is.” I whisper that last part fearful Ax might overhear.

  Jarod thrusts his fingers in the air. “I am more than damned indignant. I am fucking seething over how they violated you.”

  “And I love you for that, but please let this drop. It’s the least thing we should be concerned with now. Besides,” I say, looping my arm in his, “I want this morning to be about my sister. Not about me. I owe her that much.”

  Jarod sobers as our mutual thoughts drift to Ella. A heavy weight settles on my chest, and a dull ache punches endless holes in my heart. I’ve been trying so hard not to think about my sister and the fate she endured, but I want to take this morning to mourn her. To grieve her loss. To offer up a prayer for her soul and hope that somehow, someway, she understands how sorry I am for failing her. How much I wish for one more minute, one more hour, one more day, so that I could tell her how much she meant to me. How much I will miss her, and that I’ll never forget her. Moisture builds in my eyes but I blink it away. It’s what Ella would want.

  Ax stomps toward us with purpose. “Are we doing this or what?” His gaze bounces impatiently between us.

  “Yes.” Jarod grits his teeth, and I know he’d love to say more. “Helmets on, and follow my lead. We will encounter drones, but they should be minimal at this early hour. I’ve planned a route to avoid running into any alien soldiers, but we need to expect the unexpected. I’ve reactivated the helmets with the original Amaretti IDs so our real identity shouldn’t be detected. Walk confidently, and if we meet any aliens on the street, let me do the talking. Be alert.”

  He gives us both a handheld weapon and demonstrates how to clip it onto the belt around our waists. “They are fully functional, and all you need to do is depress the button on the side,” he says, pinpointing a thumb-sized slightly raised chip on the handle.

  I nod as I pull my hair into a knot on top of my head and shimmy the helmet down over my scalp.

  Jarod nods once and steps outside. Ax steers me forward, staying close to my side. We exit the building and fall into line beside Jarod. The first orange-hued rays of sunshine caress the skyline as an amber-tinged mist splashes over the earth. Gray, red, and orange clouds gather overhead, perfectly matching my tempestuous mood. The balmy air blows gently in the breeze, cooling the skin on my hands upon contact. Silence is all-encompassing, and the only sound is light footfall as we advance. There is something serene in the chilling beauty of our surroundings. In the unnerving silence.

  The thought doesn’t last long.

  A tiny click behind us sends my pulse sky-high. All my senses switch to high alert. I stop dead in my tracks. Ax and I face one another as we start to turn. Jarod’s hand is at his waist, reaching for his weapon, but it’s already too late.

  A strong arm hauls me into a tight headlock, constricting my air supply. I slap at the bulky shirt-clad arm, but it doesn’t budge. Sounds of blows being traded to my left and right confirm the boys are being similarly restrained.

  My helmet is whipped off my head as a shadowy figure lands in front of me, blocking the rising sunlight from view. His fiery copper-colored hair sparks a memory. I’ve seen him before! He was at the VP’s house the day the rebels attacked.

  Connecting the dots in my head, I gasp. “You!” My mouth is dry, my voice croaky.

  “Ms. Owens,” G says, stepping into my direct line of sight. His eyes are a mixture of wild hatred and glorious triumph as he stares at me. “I’m so happy to see you.”r />
  Huh. Could’ve fooled me.

  “I’d like to return the sentiment,” I rasp, grappling at the arm crushing my throat, “but I’d be lying.”

  He chuckles. “Now she decides to be truthful,” he mutters, shaking his head in consternation. “Everything would’ve been so much easier if you’d been truthful from the start.”

  “I could say the same for you.” I bury my nails into hard skin to no avail.

  G flicks his fingers in the air, and the arm caging me relaxes a fraction. I pant audibly. “That’s neither here nor there now, I suppose.” He rubs his thumb and forefinger across his jaw. “I’ve got you right where I want you.”

  My skeptical look says I couldn’t give two shits about that.

  His lips lift in an obvious show of superiority. “Looks like you’ll be delivering your special task after all.”

  CHAPTER 24

  “No, I won’t.” I glare at him as the words shoot angrily out of my mouth. The man holding me in a headlock tightens his hold again and I choke-gag. G bats him away with a flick of his hand, and the man releases me fully. I drop to my knees, gasping heavily. My lungs claw at the air in relief. I look up at G, sticking him with my most venomous look. “You’ll have to kill me, because I won’t touch Logan.”

  “And if you harm a hair on her head, you’ll have to answer to me,” Ax threatens.

  I climb to my feet as a gun prods against the back of my head. “Don’t try anything,” a voice says at my rear. The power in my veins surges to life, along with a burst of adrenaline. I’m starting to understand my incendio ability a little better, even if it is caged. My heightened emotions clearly trigger it.