Memoirs Of An Antihero

by Drew Blank

  “No you wouldn’t. You love me.” I reminded her.

  Fuck off, butthead. Half hour. Click.

  “Was that Twisty, Daddy?” Moxie asked excitedly as she was pulling up her jeans.

  “Yeah. She’s picking us up in a half hour.” I told her.

  “Yay! I miss Twisty. But why aren’t we riding your bike?” Her excitement to see Twisty definitely trumped her confusion, but she was still curious.

  “I’m just not feeling too great today, baby. Be easier if we got a ride.” I was not looking forward to explaining the previous night to Twisty. After all I had said about not wanting to be some sort of superhero, my actions were going to be a tough sell. The last thing I needed was her trying to convince me to change the world. I had already decided that would be a mistake.

  Moxie and I made our way downstairs after she finished getting dressed. Walking down the steps without limping was an agonizing feat, but I had to put up a convincing front. Stepping out of the kitchen into the dining area, we were greeted with the sight of three police cruisers parked across the street, red and blue lights spinning.

  “Daddy. What’s going on?” Moxie’s eyes were huge.

  “Your guess is as good as mine, Pumpkin. I heard alarms last night. They must have been coming from Mr. Chin’s place.” That was much easier than telling her the police were there investigating a serial killer that just happened to be her father.

  “You think he’s okay?” She looked up at me with concerned eyes.

  “Who? Mr. Chin? I’m sure he was gone, sweetheart. It was probably just a late night robbery.” I explained.

  “What if they broke in here while we were home?” It had occurred to me that this was the closest she had come to an actual crime and the reality was scaring her.

  “Then I’d kick their butts. You know I wouldn’t let anything happen to you, baby.” I leaned down and planted a kiss on the top of her head, amidst the stinky, oily hair. “Now, go sit down. Let me get some breakfast going for you.”

  “Can I have toast like Mema makes?” She yelled as I headed to the kitchen and she had a seat at a dining room table.

  “Anything for you, my sweet.” She was referring to the thick french bread Mema would lather in butter and cinnamon and bake in the pizza oven. Normally I would make enough for both of us, but that morning I did not have much of an appetite.

  Once the toast was ready, I joined Moxie at her table with breakfast and OJ in hand. I simply nursed a black coffee, which I was quickly acquiring a taste for. We discussed her dreams and plans for the day, all the while I kept the action across the street within my line of vision. I got to see cops come and go, as they made their way through throngs of onlookers. My watchful eye also made it easy to see Twisty pull up in front of Mama Mema’s, with an expression that was far from unreadable. It did not take much for her to put two and two together once she saw the police cars, to figure out why I needed a ride.

  Moxie dropped her last morsel of toast and ran for the

  door upon seeing Twisty. Although I had told her a hundred times not to unlock the door to the restaurant during off hours, she excitedly flipped the deadbolt and swung the door open.

  “Twisty!” Moxie screeched while running outside.

  “Moxie!” Twisty screeched back mockingly, but affectionately, as she climbed out of her car.

  “I missed you!” Moxie wrapped her arms around Twisty’s neck and hung while Twisty lumbered forward.

  “Oh my god, you’ve grown so much in a week. What do you weigh now? A thousand pounds?” Twisty made fun as she began to poke Moxie’s sides, in her most ticklish spots. “Get offa me, ya monkey.” Moxie clung to Twisty’s neck even tighter laughing hysterically. I loved watching those two together. Even though Twisty insisted she never wanted kids, she was amazing with Moxie, and Moxie adored her.

  “So…what’s up?” Twisty greeted me halfway though the dining room giving me a knowing look, Moxie still affixed to her neck.

  “Not much.” I lied as I stood up to give her a hug. “I’m sorry babe. I really appreciate this.” With Moxie trapped between us, I squeezed extra hard.

  “Uh huh…” Twisty playfully dismissed my apology. I knew she was just dying to drop Moxie off at school so she could get the whole story.

  “Daddy! You’re crushing me!” Moxie yelped as she let go of Twisty’s neck.

  “I think you’ll live sweetie.” I said as I squeezed harder. We were all too distracted to notice someone running for the door before it closed. As it got forced back open, the bell rang and in walked Dominick, dressed in full uniform.

  “Dom!” I was startled at first, but relieved to see it was my friend. “Are you working whatever is going on over there?” I asked as if I didn’t know the answer.

  “Yeah. Hi Twisty. Hi Moxie.” He put an arm around Twisty’s shoulder, and knelt down to give Moxie a hug, whispering something in her ear that made her giggle. He then aimed his attention back at me. “You gotta second?”

  “Sure. Wanna go in th…” Before I could finish, he had pulled me by my arm into the kitchen. Dom was normally an open book with his emotions, but that day he was very hard to read. He seemed excited scared and frantic all at once. I immediately began wondering why it was so necessary for him to speak to me. Did he know I was the guy they were looking for? Was he giving me a heads up before there was a huge manhunt? Was he going to arrest me right there, in Mama Mema’s? I had to remind myself to keep cool. How on Earth would he know anything? He’s just nervous. Let it slide.

  “So what’s up?” I casually inquired as I leaned against the chopping table in the middle of the room.

  “It was him.” Dom pushed out the words as if he only had moments to talk.

  “What? Who?” Again, playing dumb.

  “The Freak! He busted up a robbery over at Mr. Chin’s. Left the two robbers tied up, gift wrapped for us.” The excitement in Dom’s voice was almost contagious.

  “The Freak? Is that what they’re calling him now?” Admittedly, if I had to have a moniker in the news, The Freak had a very simple ring to it.

  “Well, that’s what he’s calling himself now!” With that, Dom produced a large zipper sealed plastic baggy.

  “What’s that?” I asked, staring at the note I had written before I left the scene last night. “Wait, I thought you were taken off the case.”

  “I was. But this put me back on.” Dom lifted the bag up to my eye level. “Read this! He left it taped to the robbers after kicking the piss out of them.” In the bag was a plain white piece of paper that displayed words written with a thick, black marker. The letters were large and blocky, making it virtually impossible for someone to trace the handwriting. It simply read

  TO: OFFICER PRAZZO

  FROM: THE FREAK

  MERRY X-MAS!

  “Wow.” I tried to play stunned. “Apparently, The Freak watches the news. You have a fan. That’s so sweet.” My joking fell on crazed, deaf ears.

  “Dude. This is huge! The Captain called me in immediately once they found this on the scene. I’m getting fast tracked to detective because of it!” His jubilation made me feel this was a win/win situation for the two of us.

  “That’s awesome, man!” My congratulations were sincere. He deserved it. Even if I had orchestrated the whole thing and it was partially for my own benefit, he deserved it.

  “Problem is, I think I know who wrote the note.” Heart meet feet. The room instantaneously closed in, as my breathing stopped. It had become clear why he felt the necessity to pull me aside amidst all the chaos of an investigation. I knew Dom was good at his job, but I had underestimated how good. My only hope was that friendship would win out over work and he would offer me some way out. I had to keep my cool.

  “Really?” I gulped. “Who?” My hands actually began to sweat. I felt like he was toying with me needlessly.

  “Well, it’s just a theory. I wanted to bounce the idea off of you and see if you think I’m nuts.” Maybe he didn�
��t know. It started to seem like he was genuinely there as a friend wanting advice.

  “Go ahead, man. What’s up?” I offered.

  “Well, I know this will sound paranoid.” He started. “But I think it’s the other guys on the force that wrote the note.” Every muscle in me relaxed as he spoke. Not enough, however, to relieve me of the screaming headache still beating against my skull.

  “Why would the guys on the force write a letter to you pretending to be the guy they are trying to catch? I don’t get it.” His logic was definitely something I had a hard time wrapping my head around.

  “Like I told you before, nobody wants to be on this case. When they show up, the scene is clear of any cash or drugs. What’s in it for them? The cherry jobs are working the drug beats. Busting up dealers is where the money’s at. The detectives don’t want to be on a dead end serial killer gig. I think they want me to find the guy and then they will take it from there.” Dom explained.

  “Take it from there?” I asked.

  “Yeah. They all want to catch this guy for getting involved in their business. The circle of corruption between the criminals and the police in Cross is definitely very complicated. A costumed vigilante is the last thing either side was prepared for. Everybody wants this dude dead.” Dom’s good mood sank back down as he told me his theory. “I think the guys on the force want me working the case. They know I’ll bust my ass to find him and they can keep their schedules free for more lucrative activities. So, is that crazy?”

  “No. Not crazy. But what do you really care? You’re on the case now, and you can find this guy. Isn’t that all that matters?” I tried to be Dom’s voice of reason.

  “Yeah. Only problem is, once I find him I guarantee he will never see trial,” Dom said gloomily.

  “Why do you say that?” It was a statement that required more clarification.

  “Because, between the crooks and the cops, someone will kill him. He is not very popular on either side right now.” That was not encouraging news for me.

  “Well, look…I gotta get Moxie to school. You think you’re going to be around here later?” I hated to rush him, but I had an impatient Twisty waiting in the dining room and I desperately needed to get some rest.

  “I should be here a while. I’ll still need to ask you a few questions. Did you see anything unusual last night blah blah blah… Basic cop shit. Go get that little girl to school.” We exited the kitchen together, to see Twisty and Moxie thumb wrestling at the table.

  “Ladies, I will see you later.” Dom strolled past them with a tip of his hat and headed back to work.

  “Bye Dom’nick!” Moxie yelled back as he left, maniacally waving with her free hand.

  “Well?” I addressed my favorite twosome. “Shall we go?”

  “Hold on. I gotta finish kicking this little girl’s butt.” Twisty said as she pinned Moxie’s thumb against their clasped hands. “1…2…3…4…5…6…7…8…9…10! I win! Okay. Let’s go”

  CHAPTER TWENTY SIX

  “I can’t fucking believe you!” Twisty chastised me from the driver’s seat as we sat in the Dunkin’ Donuts drive-thru. It had taken twelve minutes to get Moxie to school, and the moment we were back in the car after goodbye hugs, she made me tell her everything. “What about all that I-don’t-want-to-be-a-hero bullshit?” I wouldn’t say she was mad, as much as she was in disbelief.

  “Look, I over reacted.” It was a lame excuse, but I figured I would try it. “With Moxie there, I just didn’t like that shit happening so close to home. I assure you, the vigilante crap is over. I can’t afford to go through this fucking pain for nothing but the thought of a job well done. There has got to be a pay day.”

  “Well, I don’t think there is necessarily anything wrong with busting up a few bad guys.” She argued.

  “Then you go put on a pair of tights and fight some penniless losers. I’m sticking to where the money’s at.” I didn’t mean to sound abrasive, but the headache was getting to the point of crippling me and a conversation on the rights and wrongs of vigilantism was just not heavy on my priority list.

  “We need to get you to a hospital.” Twisty must have seen me wincing and immediately decided to end any debate.

  “You know I can’t go to a hospital. My body is basically one big walking sack of evidence. I’ll be fine.” I really just wanted to go to bed and die. Twisty was not going to let that happen.

  “Then I’m taking you to Tom’s.” Twisty said as she pulled to the window, picking up our box of Munchkins and two iced coffees.

  “No. I am sure he’s sick of this shit by now.” It was looking less and less likely that Twisty was going to let me go

  to bed.

  “Are you driving?” Twisty asked as she pulled in the donut holes and the cold drinks. “No. You are not. Tom’s it is. Trust me. Tom never gets sick of seeing me.” She daintily grabbed her chest and flashed me a wink.

  “Such a lady,” I commented as we drove away.

  Pulling in front of Tom’s building, I had no confidence he would be up that early and doubted he would even consider answering the buzzer. We got out of Twisty’s Prelude and walked to the gate. Before my finger could hit the button I heard Tom’s gruff voice calling to me.

  “Orphan!” I leaned into the speaker box, confused.

  “He’s up there you idiot.” Twisty pointed to the roof shaking her head at me. I spun around to look at the rooftop behind me and fell to the ground. The combination of the sudden movement and looking up into the bright morning sun made me lose balance. I hate admitting when I am wrong, but it was obvious Twisty was right in assuming I needed medical care.

  “What the fuck is wrong with him now?” Tom yelled down from the rooftop.

  “Would you believe another bike accident?” Twisty hollered back.

  “No. No I wouldn’t. I’ll be right down.” I am not sure whether Tom disappeared from my sight because he went downstairs or because I blacked out. Both happened about the same time.

  I groggily came to on the same uncomfortable leather couch I had awoken on the previous morning. This time, however, I had an IV running into my arm and as I became conscious I was overcome by an overpowering sense of panic and anxiety. Looking around the room I saw Tom sitting in his stool, parked next to the couch. Twisty stood behind him with concern on her face.

  “We might as well get you a room here, Orphan. You

  know, you aren’t very good at this hero thing.” Tom chuckled as he tapped at the tube running into my vein. “Now you need to relax. I am pumping some compazine into you for the nausea and dizziness. For the first few minutes you are gonna want to crawl outta yer skin. But trust me, once it kicks in you are gonna feel a whole lot better. Just sit back kid. Let it take effect.” I couldn’t tell if it was indeed the medicine Tom was forcing into my system or the fact that I was in a tattoo studio with an IV in my arm, but I felt terribly uneasy. I took Tom’s advice and just tried to relax.

  Tom stepped away for a moment as Twisty swooped in to comfort me.

  “And you just wanted to go to bed.” She rolled her eyes. “When will you stop being such a stubborn moron?” She grabbed my hand in hers and with the other gently ran her fingers through my hair. For some reason, her condescending tone always made me smile.

  “Whatever this shit is, it is making me want to scream,” I whispered to Twisty as I tried to focus on something other than the thousands of invisible spiders clawing into my skin. “Thanks. You’re always good at taking care of me.” I smiled, hoping to convey my sincerity.

  “Fuck that. I need you better so you can work tonight. You’re shift leader and if you don’t show up they are gonna make me do it.”

  “Mother Theresa ain’t got shit on you,” I laughed as I closed my eyes to ride out the anxiety.

  “She’s dead, Drew,” Twisty corrected me.

  “Well then, I guess you win by a landslide.” I laid my head back and let the compazine work through me. It only took a few minutes and t
he anxiousness subsided, and my whole body relaxed.

  “Now you’re startin’ to feel it, huh, Orphan?” Tom must have noticed my whole body go limp as a smile spread over my face.

  “Oooh yessss, ” was all I could muster for a response.

  “Good. Just let it run through. You’ve got about forty-five minutes on that bag. Take a nap while I see what I can do about this arm.” And so I faded away, getting some much needed sleep.

  CHAPTER TWENTY SEVEN

  “You look more and more like shit every time I see you, Orphan.” Tom commented as I gingerly made my way through the door that led to the roof of his building. He and Twisty were relaxing in lounge chairs sipping on what appeared to be lemonade. Twisty had her feet kicked up on the brick wall with the barrel of a 50-caliber sniper rifle nestled between her velcro fastened Little Mermaid sneakers. She was obviously distracted as she stared through the scope.

  “What the hell did I miss while I was out? Are we doing a hit?” I wasn’t quite sure what I was witnessing.

  “I’d be able to see my house if that stupid Carrier building wasn’t in the way,” Twisty said, either unaware of my presence or too distracted by the telescope lens to care.

  “Oh, I’m fine thanks,” I said loudly in an attempt to get her attention.

  “Oh!” She dropped the gun to the ground. “How ya’feelin’, sunshine?” She kicked her feet off the wall and spun herself in my direction.

  “Like I just got raped by a Mack truck…but better than I was,” I sputtered as I rubbed my hand through my hair.

  “Well, that’s cuz while you were sleeping we raped you with a Mack truck,” Twisty giggled menacingly.

  “That would explain it.” I stumbled over to the table and poured myself some lemonade in a waiting glass. “Did you also force feed me cotton balls.” I chugged my drink down in seconds.

  “Yeah. Dry mouth is a symptom of the compazine,” Tom informed me.