by Hantz, Sara
Crap. Crap and triple crap.
He had no intention of blurting out his feelings for me. I rest my head in my hand. I’ve totally ruined it now. Like Lori said, he’ll never ask me out now. Hey-
“What makes you say that about Guy asking me out? I don’t want to go out with him. He’s a friend, that’s all.”
“Really? I’ve seen the way you stare at him when you think no-one’s looking. And I’ll tell you now, there’s a line waiting for a chance with him.”
“So why isn’t he going with any of them?” Maybe there’s something about Guy that I need to know.
“Ever since Carla dumped him at the end of last year he hasn’t bothered. I don’t know what he saw in her. She was a bitch.”
“Carla? Have I met her?”
“No. She left school last year.”
“Well, I sure don’t have a chance now. Oh no. He’s coming back. What shall I say?”
“Try sorry, for doing what you did. For whatever your reasons were.” She frowns.
I’m not going to tell her the truth. No way. She’ll really think I’m up myself for believing he has feelings for me.
“Guy, I’m so sorry,” I blurt out when he gets within hearing range. “You must think I’m so stupid. I thought you were going up on stage and I didn’t want you to go—”
“What’s it to do with you?” he growls, not giving me chance to finish, his eyes flashing in temper.
“I mean, I didn’t want you to go without me.” I bite my bottom lip and put on my best sheepish expression. “I thought I might come on stage with you because I didn’t want to go on my own. I was too embarrassed.” Let’s hope he doesn’t remember all the garbage pouring out my mouth before—when I said I was doing it for his own good.
His face softens. It looks like he hasn’t. I inwardly let out the hugest sigh of relief imaginable.
“I don’t have anything to talk about, but if you like I’ll come up with you at the next meeting. If you need someone up there for support.”
“Thanks.”
Well, that’s me well and truly screwed. First of all he doesn’t have feelings for me that are remotely sexual. And second he thinks I have feelings for someone else that are tempting me down the wrong path.
“Okay, is everyone ready to go?” Lori says.
I glance across to the stage and see Jamie putting away the chairs. I didn’t hear him end the meeting. Mind you, that’s hardly surprising when I’ve just done something that qualifies as one of the top ten most embarrassing moments of my entire life.
“Sorry, I can’t” I say, pointedly looking at my watch. “I’ve just remembered I told Mom I wouldn’t be late.”
As much as I wanted to go earlier, I can’t now because they’re bound to go on about what happened, and being the butt of everyone’s jokes is not my idea of fun. Well, it’s not tonight. Home is a much safer bet.
“That’s a shame,” Lori says, in what seems a genuine tone. “Remember to pick up a copy of the handbook on your way out. They’re on the table by the door.”
“Will do. See you Monday.”
***
“How was I to know he was going to the bathroom? I mean, really Maddie, would you have picked a time like that to go? I don’t think so.”
Thank goodness Maddie was home when I Skyped. I still can’t believe what a dick I made of myself yesterday.
“But why did you think he was going to talk about you? You hardly know him.”
“Oh, I don’t know. It just seemed too much of a coincidence for it not to be me. I arrive at school, he’s very friendly and encouraging, and a couple of weeks later he wants to go up on stage for some mass therapy thing. I challenge anyone not to come to the same conclusion if they were in my position.”
Maddie’s whole body shakes she’s laughing so hard. She’s clearly not convinced.
“Suzy. You’re crazy. No-one but you would jump to that conclusion. Talk about left field.” She laughs again. She’s probably right. Thinking about it rationally, I could have jumped the gun a tad. “So what happened after he offered to help you next time?”
“I just said thanks and left. We were all meant to be going back to Lori’s for a party but I couldn’t face it. So that’s probably upset her.”
And now I’ve got to wait the whole weekend before finding out whether I’ve blown my friendship with her and the rest of the gang. What a nightmare. So, all in all a great couple of days awaits. Not.
“Don’t worry. It’ll be fine. At least he seemed to accept your explanation and—” she stops, mid-flow. I can sense her mind ticking over. Now what? “Correct me if I’m wrong, but before you can go on stage you have to take the pledge. Yes?”
“Um. Yes,” I whisper, suddenly realizing exactly where this is heading.
“Which means—”
“Yes.”
“You did it. You actually did it. You told me you were going to watch and then make up your mind. So what happened?”
“Well—” A knock at my door interrupts me. “Hang on Maddie. Yes?” I call out.
“Suzy, are you nearly ready?” Mom answers.
Oh crap. I forgot I said I’d go into town with her this morning to look for some new bed linen. Not that there’s anything wrong with her old stuff.
“Won’t be a minute Mom. I’m just telling Maddie about last night’s meeting.”
“No. No,” moans Maddie. “This is way too weird. Whoever you are bring back my friend Suzy at once.”
“Shut up,” I say giggling. “You know it’s me.”
“It isn’t. This is Fake Suzy, who not only takes the pledge and becomes virgin reincarnated, but also tells her Mom about it. Well, not that she’s not a virgin but that she’s joined the club. My friend Suzy wouldn’t tell her Mom anything like that. Trust me on this I’ve known her for a very long time.”
Maybe I’ve been taken over by aliens and don’t realize. And that’s what’s making me strive to change. Or, maybe it’s Rosie. She’s looking down on me and some how infiltrating my subconscious to make me change and be more like she was.
Don’t be so stupid.
“She wanted to know where I was going, so I told her.”
“But it’s just sooooooo embarrassing. I can’t believe you didn’t just say you were going to someone’s house. It’s not like you haven’t said that in the past.”
“Yes, the past. Things are different now and you know it. I tell her where I’m going and stuff. I mean, what would happen if she tried to contact me at someone’s house and I wasn’t there? We’d be back to square one, wouldn’t we?”
“That’s why we have cell phones, dummy.” She gives a loud sigh. “Anyway, what did she say? Was she pleased? I imagine most parents would be if their kids joined that sort of club. Though I wouldn’t want to talk about sex to my parents at all, even if it was to tell them I’m not going to do it. Which might a bit hard under the circumstances.”
Maddie’s first time was about two weeks after mine. And only because she didn’t want to be the last in our group of friends to lose her virginity. She hardly cared for the boy at all. I love Maddie dearly, but this was one area we didn’t agree on. No way could I have done it with anyone just for the sake of it.
“She sort of looked shocked and pleased, and then gave my Dad one of her looks. Whether that meant she was relieved because she didn’t think I’d qualify, your guess is as good as mine. Anyway, then she asked me who I was going with and when I told her Lori she gave another look in Dad’s direction—which was more smug than anything—and said have a good time. Not that I expected her to ask anything about the VC. You surely remember when she gave me the sex talk?”
The sex talk, if you can call it that, happened when I was nearly thirteen. Mom came into my bedroom and threw a pamphlet on my bed and said ‘read this’. She went bright red. I looked at it and said, ‘it’s okay Mom I know all about it, we had sex education at school, remember?’ She muttered something under her breath and walked
out. And the subject was never mentioned again. It kept Maddie and I amused for weeks.
“God, yes. So funny. At least she said something. I’m still waiting for mine.”
“I hate to tell you this, but I don’t think you’ll be getting it.”
I lean over and pick up my pants from the floor, where I’d left them after coming in last night, and pull them on. If I’m meant to be leaving soon I better get myself ready. I have multi-tasking down to a fine art, so talking and dressing at the same time isn’t a problem.
“No shit, Sherlock. Right. Back to what we were talking about,” Maddie demands. “The pledge. Tell me about it. What did you have to say? And how did it feel?”
Well, if I could sort it out in my own mind it would make it easier to explain to someone else, but I’m still not sure. Thinking about it, I can sort of see the value in having kids pledging. Would stop lots of teenage pregnancies, I suppose. Help. I’m sounding like creepy Jamie.
“Oh, you know. Just had to say I’d stay a virgin ’til I get married. And it felt strange. I know lots of people do it, but it does seem sort of—oh, I don’t know. Contrived I suppose.”
Yeah, that’s it. Contrived. It’s like they’re forcing kids into doing something because everyone else is doing it and not because it’s a good idea. Except it is a good idea with HIV and unwanted pregnancies. Oh, I don’t know. I’m confused.
“Well, the whole thing sounds weird to me. And you’re telling me it’s seen as really cool to belong to this club and take the pledge?”
“Yes. It’s just how they are at this school.”
“More like something in the water making them act like this, if you ask me. And what happens if they find out you’re not really a virgin? Will you be burnt at the stake like that French woman hundreds of years ago?”
“Do you think they’ll find out? I don’t know how they could. Unless we have a sleepover and I talk in my sleep and confess to them. I don’t talk in my sleep do I?”
“Suzy, the only thing you do in your sleep is snore. And believe me that will drown out any mumbling on your part. Come to think of it, it’s impossible to talk and snore at the same time so you’ll be fine.”
“Well, I suppose that makes sense. Even so the burden of this sort of secret is huge.” My body slumps in acknowledgement of the fact.
“Good job you’ve got broad shoulders then.” A snort reverberates around the room.
“Maddie,” I yell. “If it’s all the same to you, I’d rather you didn’t burst my eardrums?”
“Sorry,” she says in between two more snorts. “Anyway, what I want to know is are you allowed to go out with guys?”
“Of course we are. I think. I’ll go check the handbook.” I leap off the bed and almost immediately come to a standstill. Where is it?
“Excuse me? The what?” Maddie’s incredulous tones interrupt my train of thought.
“Um—the handbook. Why? What’s wrong?”
“Earth to Suzy. Your new Virginity Club has a handbook and it doesn’t register on the TRULY WEIRD scale at all?” Put that way, she could be right—I suppose.
“It depends on what it says. Which I’ll tell you when I find it.”
“Back pocket of your pants?”
I reach into my pocket and it’s there. She’s done it again. I’m telling you, one day this girl’s going to make it big. I open up the handbook, scan the list of contents and flick to the chapter called “Dating, yes or no?”
A giggle bubbles in the pit of my stomach. “This is so funny,” I say between giggles that simply won’t abate. “Maddie you’d just die if you could read this.”
“What does it say? Tell me.”
I perch back down on my bed, and take a deep breath. The look on her face is so funny I can hardly contain myself.
“Okay. I’m calm. I can do this. Right. There’s a chapter on dating and it gives a list of dos and don’ts.”
“And?” Maddie asks impatiently.
“And—I’ll read it to you. Being celibate doesn’t mean you can’t fraternize with the opposite sex, as long as you remember the golden rule: look but don’t touch—.”
“So no kissing then?” Maddie interrupts.
“Doesn’t look like it.”
“What about air-kissing? Does that count?” She moves her head from side to side and makes kissing noises.
I try to ignore her. “Should be ok.” I read a bit further to myself. “Hey, listen to this: If you feel you might give in to temptation take a chaperone with you. A chaperone. Can you imagine going to the movies and having someone sitting between you?”
“I’ve a better idea. Instead of taking a chaperone you could sit at either end of a row. That way you can have loads of people sitting between you. It might make sharing the popcorn a bit hard, though.” We both giggle. “What else does it say?” Maddie asks after a few seconds when we’re a bit more controlled. I open my mouth to read out some more when there’s a knock on my door.
“Suzy. Are you ready yet?” Mom’s impatient shout stops me in my tracks.
“Ooops, she doesn’t sound too happy,” says Maddie.
“I’ll say. I don’t know why. I’m not that late, am I? Better go, before she calls again. Sorry. I’ll text when we get back, which hopefully won’t be too long. Shopping with Mom isn’t my most favorite thing, as you well know.” I log off and reach for my shoes. “Coming Mom.”
Chapter Six
I drag myself out of bed when the alarm goes off, a feeling of impending doom in my heart. Okay, so maybe I’m being a bit melodramatic, but today is make or break day. I’ll find out whether my performance at Friday’s meeting has earned me the privilege of being friendless.
Mind you, even if Lori and gang don’t want to know me there’s bound to be someone to hang with—not that that’s going to help my cause. Although, even the not so popular kids will be more acceptable to Mom and Dad than most of the ones at my old school. Of course, there’s always a chance that Lori will tell the other guys not to be friends with me. That’s the thing when you’re popular, everyone does as you say. Well, they do at St Peter’s.
At my last school the popular girls weren’t so influential, though they could be right bitches and some of us (aka the have-plenty-of-friends-but-aren’t-totally-up-ourselves-and-plastic group) took great delight in doing things to wind them up.
It’s weird that here the coolest people support virginity, study hard and are sporty. And get invited to all the parties. The complete opposite to the cool guys’ behavior at Carlton High. Whatever. I’ve got to face Lori and the rest of them. And the sooner the better.
“No breakfast for me, Mom,” I yell as I run down the stairs. “Or I’ll miss the bus.”
“Suzy, wait,” Mom says coming out of the kitchen. “Is everything okay?”
“Yeah, why?”
“You haven’t been yourself this weekend. Is it Rosie? It gets to all of us sometimes out of the blue when we least expect it.” Now I feel awful. They think I’ve been upset about Rosie when really my main concern has been me and my social standing.
“I’m fine Mom. Just got a lot of work on at school.” She frowns. Isn’t she pleased I’m working so hard?
“There’s more to life than study, you know.”
Excuse me? Now who’s been taken over by aliens? If I had a dollar for every time Mom or Dad went on at me for not studying I’d be a millionaire several times over. This is so strange, but there’s no time to ask her, as I wasn’t joking about missing the bus.
“Very funny, Mom. I know your views on achieving and not letting the family down. And I’m really trying hard, honest.”
“I know you are. But remember—” her eyes glaze over. “Never mind,” she adds, giving herself a small shake. “Off you go. See you later.”
“Okay. Bye.”
I race down the street and only just make it in time for the bus. None of the gang are on it, because most of them have their own cars or get a ride. Something else
I might work on Mom and Dad about soon. Rosie’s car is sitting untouched in the garage and I’ve been toying with asking if I can use it. Not sure how they’ll take me asking though. Rosie would have let me use it, I’m sure.
“Hey, Suzy,” a voice calls, distracting me from my thoughts.
I look up and notice the bus has pulled into a stop and Janey North is walking along the bus toward me. As in the Janey North, tart extraordinaire, who Lori warned me to keep away from. Thing is, I think she’s okay and am not sure she deserves the reputation she’s got. I don’t see her that much, apart from on the bus sometimes and she’s in some of my classes, but anytime I do bump into her she’s always friendly. She did ask me to sit next to her the other day in class but I made an excuse not to. I didn’t want Lori to get the wrong idea and it jeopardizes me being accepted. I feel really mean about that.
“Hi Janey. Want to sit here?” I pick up my bag and put in on the floor to make room.
“Thanks.” As she sits down a huge silver cross with green gem stones slips out the front of her school shirt.
“Hey, love that cross. I’ve always wanted one.”
Janey gives me the strangest of looks.
“Yeah, sure. I can imagine you wearing one of these. Not.” She holds it in her hand then tucks it back in.
Oops. I should have remembered my people don’t wear jewelery like that.
“Good weekend?” I ask changing the subject before I drop myself in it even more.
A shy smile tugs at the corners of her mouth and she flushes slightly. “You could say.”
“Come on. Spill,” I say curiosity getting the better of me. Or as Maddie would say, my nosy-bitch beacon on full alert.
She shifts awkwardly in her seat and starts to twist her hair around her fingers. She seems really embarrassed. I’d never have thought she would be like that. This has got to involve a guy, why else would she be acting like this?
“I met someone on Friday night at a party.”