Uncle Gobb and the Plot Plot

by Michael Rosen

  Uncle Gobb was sitting up like a squirrel, his eyes shining, his nose twitching, concentrating very hard.

  ‘Belongs to ... no one, you say, Malcolm?’

  It was Crackersnacker’s turn to be in despair. He knew it. He had seen it coming. The moment Malcolm started talking about the little PLOT OF LAND, he knew that Uncle Gobb would get interested in it.

  He looked across at Lizard.

  She nodded. She knew it too.

  And now it was too late to get Malc to stop talking about it.

  It was out.

  And Uncle Gobb was on to it.

  Surely, now, with Fred Shed – that is, Doctor Roop the Doop – and the ‘people’ – whoever they were – at , Uncle Gobb could get hold of the PLOT OF LAND for his DREAD SHED SCHOOL?

  Crackersnacker needed to talk with Malcolm about this urgently. As soon as possible.

  ‘Hey,’ said Crackersnacker, looking across to Lizard and Wenda and then to Malc, ‘why don’t we go upstairs and look at that crazy video about people who turned into aubergines?’

  That went down well with everybody.

  Especially Uncle Gobb, who was now making plans.

  Uncle Gobb breathed in and his cheeks filled with air. His great moment of triumph was about to happen. All he needed to do was talk to some people, who would talk to some other people, and something great would happen. It would be a thing.

  Meanwhile upstairs, things were hotting up.

  CHAPTER 12

  Hotting Up

  Health Warning

  If this chapter gets too hot, take a step back, move away quickly and calmly. If necessary, place your hands under a cold tap and run the water for several minutes, then return to the book, and move swiftly on to Chapter 13.

  End of Health Warning

  Weasel 2: I’m feeling hot already.

  Weasel 1: That’s because you’re very furry.

  Weasel 2: So are you.

  Weasel 1: I know.

  Lizard and Crackersnacker were trying to explain how they had seen the look on Uncle Gobb’s face when Malcolm started to talk about the PLOT OF LAND. As Malcolm started to understand the terrible mistake he had made, things started to go fizzy again; his eyes started to go misty and his hands started to shake. He realised he had ruined everything. It was all his fault. I blurted, didn’t I? he thought to himself. That was me doing the blurt thing all over again.

  Wenda put her hand up to Crackersnacker and Lizard as if to say, ‘stop going on about it’. ‘Have a raisin, Malc,’ she said.

  Malcolm took a raisin and bit it very hard. Except it wasn’t a raisin. It just felt like a raisin. In fact, it was the end of his tongue. He cried out in pain and his hands started shaking even harder, as if he was trying to shake them off the ends of his arms.

  Everything was going wrong.

  Crackersnacker, who was usually the brilliantest and unbelievablist at moments like these, wasn’t really much help at all. Instead, all he could see was what is called the

  Whatisa

  Explanation from the book ‘Great Worst Case Scenarios of the World’

  End of Explanation of ‘Worst Case Scenario’.

  Crackersnacker told everyone about the he was having. Uncle Gobb, he said, was going to take over their school.

  All four of them could feel a panic coming over them.

  Wenda stood up. She wanted to cool things down. So she said, ‘Malcolm, we’re going to need your Genie again.’

  ‘Again? So soon?’ Malcolm said sadly, still very, very, very, very sorry that he had made things worse. ‘He might not be very strong.’

  Lizard was tapping the top of her head. They looked at her, wondering if this would conjure up a great American genie. Or a great American lizard.

  They waited.

  It didn’t.

  She was just tapping the top of her head because she liked tapping the top of her head.

  ‘I think,’ she said, ‘that Fender might come into this – you know, trees, a pond, a PLOT OF LAND, people talking to people to make things happen …’

  Hmmmm … she does seem to know him very well, Malcolm thought. He could be her … He could be her …

  He could hear Crackersnacker and Wenda saying something.

  ‘Go on, Malc. Go on, stroke your nose …’

  It was worth a try. So Malcolm stroked his nose. There was a puff of smoke and out came the Genie.

  ‘I am the Genie of Malcolm’s Nose ...’ he said.

  ‘Does he have to say that every time?’ Wenda asked.

  ‘… and your wish is my command.’

  ‘And that,’ she said.

  ‘Well, guys, what do we want?’ said Lizard.

  ‘Take the slow road, lady,’ said the Genie, who seemed to talk in lots of different accents and voices, and was doing an American accent now. ‘I don’t deal with “guys”. I deal with Malcolm and only Malcolm.’

  Malcolm looked across to his three friends. They needed a really useful wish. Nothing too testing. And one that gave the Genie time to look in the mirror and admire himself.

  Especially his muscles. And his hair. And his teeth.

  ‘What we need,’ said Wenda, ‘is to get everyone in the school to know about what’s happening.’

  ‘Yeah, but even we don’t know what’s happening,’ Malcolm said, still in despair.

  ‘What we need, then,’ said Wenda, chewing very carefully on a raisin, ‘is we need to know what Uncle Gobb is really planning to do, so that then we can tell everyone, and then everyone will be really angry and do something about it.’

  ‘Hey, that’s really good,’ said Crackersnacker, who was pleased that someone was getting them all out of that huge panic they were in a few moments ago.

  Yes, thought Malcolm, that is really good.

  ‘I think Fender could do a –’ Lizard was saying before the Genie pointed out something else: ‘Since the last time I looked, I think my leg muscles have firmed up. Nice quads!’ he said, admiring the quadriceps muscles on his legs.

  ‘Last time you looked?’ Crackersnacker said. ‘That must have been about ten minutes ago.’

  ‘Thou art a poltroon and a varlet,’ the Genie said, turning away from Crackersnacker. ‘I am counting down,’ he warned.

  Malcolm, who – thanks to Wenda, Lizard and Crackersnacker – was feeling better, was quick on the button: ‘OK, my wish is that you do that thing you do really well, which is go spying for us. We need you to find out exactly what it is that Uncle Gobb is planning …’

  ‘Yeah,’ said Crackersnacker. ‘Is he going to take over our school?’

  ‘You’re not on this network, young man,’ said the Genie. ‘This is all about me and Malcolm, remember? Malcolm, I will do as you say: I will be a Holmes to your Watson.’ And he disappeared in a flash.

  ‘What was that about Holmes and Watson?’ said Malcolm.

  ‘Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson,’ said Wenda. ‘They live on Baker Street.’

  ‘You know, lizards are much easier to figure out than you guys,’ said Lizard.

  CHAPTER 13

  Gasp! Pant!

  (A pant is not half a pair of pants. It is something quite different. It’s when you breathe out making a noise. When you say, ‘A dog pants,’ you don’t mean a pair of pants worn by a dog. You mean a dog breathes out making a noise.)

  Weasel 2: I think the dog would be glad to know about that.

  Weasel 1: He’s not here though. He’s out with Mum.

  Weasel 2: Will you tell him, then?

  Weasel 1: I can’t. He can’t hear me.

  Weasel 2: What a pity.

  If you had been a traveller on the road between Malcolm’s house and his school that evening, you might have seen a shed being pushed along the road by two men. One of them would have been small, with glasses and a red, shiny face, and the other one, big, strong, with a thick neck, with gloves on. The gloves were not on his neck. They were on his hands. But you knew that.

  And the trav
eller on the road might have wondered what was going on. But we’re not travellers on that road. We are plumbers up to our knees in water.

  OK, forget that last bit about the plumbers.

  But we do know what’s going on, don’t we?

  Uncle Gobb and Fred Shed (who is really Doctor Roop the Doop, Uncle Gobb’s genie) are pushing the DREAD SHED to the school car park, to start the DREAD SHED SCHOOL.

  ‘Why are we pushing this thing?’ said Uncle Gobb, who surely, of all people, should know. ‘Why can’t you do your magic thing and just whizz it from here to there?’

  ‘Because,’ said Fred Roop, ‘I need you to prove to me that you really believe in all that I do. You’ll remember, I’m sure, what happened in America.’

  ‘I’m sorry,’ said Uncle Gobb. ‘I’ve said I’m sorry. I’m really good at saying sorry. I’m one of the best sorry-sayers around.’

  ‘Yes,’ said Fred Roop, ‘but it’s not enough for me for you to say sorry. I need to see you sweat for it. So, what we’re doing is pushing the DREAD SHED all the way to the school car park. As you can see, I’m helping. I’ve given myself a very strong neck and some very fine gloves, while you are just a very small human being who would not be able to undertake this task on your own. Be grateful, little Derek Gobb, that I am of any assistance to you. Be patient. In time, when I have seen that you mean what you say and say what you mean, I will be of greater assistance to you.’

  ‘Does that mean,’ said Uncle Gobb, gasping and panting as the DREAD SHED got to a bit of a slope in the road, ‘that you will help me –’ Gasp! Pant! ‘– to seize the PLOT OF LAND, where you will help me build another DREAD SHED and another and another and another and another and another ... so that Malcolm’s school will be surrounded by my GREAT GOBB DREAD SHED SCHOOLS??!!! And they will in fact become not just schools but THE GREAT GOBB DREAD SHED CENTRE COMPLEX INSTITUTE FOR IMPORTANT FACTS AND RICH KNOWLEDGE, meaning we will, in the end, take over Malcolm’s useless little school? –’ Gasp! Pant! ‘– AND IT WILL BE ALL MINE!!!! YESSSS!!!’

  Fred Roop was very powerful, but he didn’t always catch on straight away when people talked to him quickly while gasping and panting. So he asked Uncle Gobb to say it all over again.

  Which is just as well.

  Just as well? How can it be just as well?

  Surely we are now at a moment when Fred Roop more or less understands Uncle Gobb’s evil plan and will make it happen for him? And Malcolm and Crackersnacker and Wenda and Lizard and Mr Keenly and Janet and all the people at the school will be crushed and defeated? How can that be ‘just as well’? Eh? This is a bad, bad moment for our heroes, isn’t it?

  No.

  How come?

  Because – aha – the first time Uncle Gobb revealed his evil plan, he was telling it to Fred Roop and Fred Roop all alone. You might have hoped that Malcolm’s Genie was somewhere nearby doing what Malcolm asked him to do, which was to spy. But Malcolm’s Genie was nowhere near. He had stopped off at a shop that sells body-building food. But – and this is a very good ‘but’ – by the time he got to Uncle Gobb, in order to spy on him, Uncle Gobb was telling Fred Roop the whole plan all over again!!!!!!!

  So you see, just as well.

  But surely Malcolm’s Genie could be seen? And that would make Uncle Gobb say it all very quietly, so Malcolm’s Genie wouldn’t be able to hear it?

  But no.

  Malcolm’s Genie was one step ahead. He had crept round the front of the DREAD SHED to where the door was – the very same door that Malcolm and Crackersnacker had once climbed out of – and crept inside the DREAD SHED so that he could hear everything without either Uncle Gobb or Fred Roop knowing!!! How brilliant and genie-like was that, eh?

  And that was another reason why Uncle Gobb was gasping and panting so much. He and Fred Roop were not only pushing the DREAD SHED down the road. They were pushing the DREAD SHED and Malcolm’s Genie … who, you will remember, had bulked up (which means that he was getting more and more muscly and extremely heavy).

  This chapter finishes to the sound of Uncle Gobb gasping and panting some more, without the slightest idea that he has just given away all the details of his evil plan. In fact, it is such an evil plan, it has become a PLOT.

  Gasp! Pant! Gasp! Pant!

  CHAPTER 14

  This Is Not a Chapter

  This chapter won’t actually tell you anything. It isn’t really a chapter. What happens in this chapter (which isn’t really a chapter), you see, is just what you would expect to happen. Malcolm’s Genie brought the news of Uncle Gobb’s plot to Malcolm, who, as you might expect, was with Crackersnacker, Wenda and Lizard. Then Malcolm, Crackersnacker, Wenda and Lizard told the plan first to Mum and Brenda and then to Dad.

  So, in this chapter, you could, if you had wanted to, have nipped to the fridge and grabbed a snack. You wouldn’t have missed anything.

  CHAPTER 15

  Wiry Little Creature with Long Fingers

  Mum and Brenda were trying to make their printer work.

  Printers are machines, but every now and then they get taken over by small, wiry creatures with long fingers. They sit inside the printer and make the printer print out things that no one has asked the printer to print, like a strange pattern with criss-cross lines. Or they make the printer die. The small wiry creatures kill the printer.

  Mum and Brenda were in a fight to the death with one of these small, wiry creatures. Suddenly Brenda reached in, grabbed hold of one of the fingers of one of the wiry creatures, pulled the creature out and then flung it out of the window. The printer came back from the Land of Dead Printers, and started printing out just what Mum and Brenda has asked it to do. Which was a special notice saying: UNCLE GOBB’S EVIL PLOT.

  TCHOOKA TCHOOKA TCHOOKA TCHOOKA, went the printer happily, while outside the window, the wiry creature with long fingers made whimpering noises. The dog watched it, just in case it tried to get back in. He would be on to it, all right.

  CHAPTER 16

  Mud

  Dad was nodding. For a moment, it looked like he was nodding off to sleep, but he was just doing big American-guy nodding. Then he stopped doing big nodding, lifted up his hand into a high-five position and said, ‘Put it there, guys,’ and one by one, they gave him a high five.

  Malcolm felt good that he could be proud of Dad. Other children in his class were sometimes proud of their dads, and now he could be proud of his dad too. Dad was going to do something to stop Uncle Gobb’s EVIL PLOT happening. Dad was going to talk to Mr Keenly, Janet and Mrs Office. And Dad was going to talk to ‘his people’, who, he said were ‘people-people’ and usually backed anything that was good for ‘people-people’.

  Malcolm had no idea who Dad’s ‘people’ were. He had no idea what ‘people-people’ were either, but he liked saying it: ‘people-people’, ‘people-people’. Dad and the people-people. Nice.

  Dad talked about tree trolleys and lizard dens and said he was pretty sure that the mud in the PLOT OF LAND was the kind of mud you could use to make things with and then put it in an oven and it would last forever.

  ‘He means clay,’ said Lizard helpfully.

  Malcolm looked at Lizard. The good thing about Lizard is that she can explain things. Yes, she may keep going on about lizards, but she does talk about other stuff too, and that’s good.

  And saying ‘That’s good’ to himself felt good too.

  CHAPTER 17

  Earwax

  (The whole of Chapter 17 is not about earwax. You wouldn’t find a whole chapter on earwax in any book, apart from maybe in a book for doctors about ears. One of the chapters in the book for doctors might be called ‘Hearing’, another might be ‘Hairy Ears’ and one might be ‘Earwax’.)

  When Malcolm got to school the next day, the first thing he saw was the DREAD SHED in the car park. There was a sign outside that said:

  Malcolm met Crackersnacker just by Uncle Gobb’s school and they went up to the side of it and listened.

  Uncle
Gobb was teaching, and the children were asking him questions about important facts.

  ‘Is earwax an important fact?’ said one.

  ‘No,’ said Uncle Gobb.

  ‘Is soup an important fact?’ said another child.

  ‘No,’ said Uncle Gobb. ‘Is the leak in the pipe going into our shower at home an important fact?’

  ‘No,’ said Uncle Gobb.

  Crackersnacker looked at Malcolm.

  ‘Not going very well at Uncle Gobb’s DREAD SHED SCHOOL FOR IMPORTANT FACTS this morning,’ said Crackersnacker.

  ‘Do you think earwax is an important fact?’ said Malcolm.

  ‘It is important, if the earwax you’re thinking about is important,’ said Crackersnacker.

  That’s a very good point, Malcolm thought.

  He hoped that Mr Keenly would ask them today to do some writing, and he would try to think of times and places when earwax was important and he would write about them. Maybe Guy Fawkes’s earwax was important. Guy Fawkes had so much earwax, he couldn’t hear fireworks. Maybe.

  In class, at the end of the day, Mr Keenly said he had an important announcement to make. Everyone went quiet. Mr Keenly said that he was worried. The half-term holidays were coming and he had found out that someone called Fred Shed had gone to see some important people and asked to be allowed to build something on the PLOT OF LAND. Janet said that this made her very angry.