Uncle Gobb and the Plot Plot

by Michael Rosen

  And if you’re wondering about where they went to the toilet … Brenda fixed up a portaloo.

  As it was the half-term holiday, Mr Keenly, Janet, Mrs Office and the other teachers weren’t worried about the children bunking off school. Mr Keenly and Janet came to the camp one day with a cake. That was nice.

  As for the police – well, that’s an interesting one. We don’t want to get too complicated here, but you’ll remember that Mr Keenly said that the PLOT OF LAND doesn’t BELONG (wiggly finger underliney thing) to anyone! So, there isn’t anyone who can complain that some children have come along and put up a camp on THEIR land.

  There’s a blank page next, so you can write your other questions there.

  CHAPTER 21

  Hopeless

  The camp on the PLOT OF LAND started to become famous. Well, so did Uncle Gobb’s DREAD SHED SCHOOL FOR IMPORTANT FACTS. They were both famous.

  People came from newspapers and TV to interview Uncle Gobb and anyone and everyone from the camp.

  ‘Isn’t this all rather hopeless?’ said one interviewer, sticking her microphone through the fence.

  Malcolm said, ‘I’m not hopeless.’ He turned to Crackersnacker. ‘Are you hopeless?’

  ‘No. I’m not hopeless.’

  ‘I didn’t ask that,’ said the interviewer, getting cross. ‘I said, “Isn’t this all rather hopeless?”’

  Singalong’s nan, who had come to the camp for the day because she liked camps, joined in and said, ‘We’re not homeless. We’ve got our homes down the road and for the time being, this is our home too.’

  ‘LOOK,’ shouted the interviewer, ‘I didn’t ask you if you were homeless!’

  ‘Then why say we are when we’re not?’ said Singalong’s nan.

  Uncle Gobb put on a very good show on TV, explaining that it was all about important facts and rich knowledge. It all went really well until he was asked if blood was an important fact.

  ‘Of course it is,’ Uncle Gobb said, feeling a bit cross that he was being asked.

  ‘So, can you tell me how the blood gets round the body?’ said the interviewer.

  ‘It goes,’ said Uncle Gobb. ‘It goes around.’

  ‘How?’ asked the interviewer.

  ‘It goes from one part to another,’ said Uncle Gobb.

  ‘That’s absolutely right,’ said the interviewer, ‘so I’m going to start in one part and you take the blood to another … So here I am, I’m a bit of blood and I’m in, say, the bottom-left part of the heart … Where do I go next?’

  ‘Look here,’ said Uncle Gobb, ‘blood isn’t my subject.’

  ‘But you said it was an important fact,’ said the interviewer. ‘If it’s that important, why don’t you know it?’

  Uncle Gobb got up, said, ‘I’ve been to China,’ and walked out.

  Back at the camp, people were clustered round the portable TV that Brenda had set up, watching Uncle Gobb on TV. As Uncle Gobb said, ‘I’ve been to China,’ Malcolm shouted, ‘And so has Mr Yang!’ and everyone cheered.

  It was all getting very uplifting. This doesn’t mean that anyone was getting lifted up. It means that everyone was feeling hopeful and excited.

  Weasel 2: Why are they all in a camp?

  Weasel 1: So Uncle Gobb can’t get into the PLOT OF LAND.

  Weasel 2: That’s a very good idea. Who thought of that?

  Weasel 1: I don’t know.

  Weasel 2: Was it Dad’s idea?

  Weasel 1: Have you been listening to this story?

  Weasel 2: I fell asleep.

  Then came the Big Day.

  ‘Massive, Ponkyboy,’ said Crackersnacker to Malcolm.

  CHAPTER 22

  The Big Day

  (A big day isn’t any bigger than any other day. In its own way, that’s an important fact.)

  This Big Day was when it was going to be decided.

  In the camp, Malcolm was confused. What did it mean ‘was going to be decided’?

  Wenda explained. ‘This is sooo important, Malcolm. I mean, today is the day we’re all going to find out who will get the PLOT OF LAND. Will it be Uncle Gobb’s DREAD SHED SCHOOL FOR IMPORTANT FACTS? Or will we get it? You know, our school!’

  ‘So who decides?’ Malcolm asked.

  ‘Some Wise People in a small room,’ she said. ‘Or, at least, these people say they are wise and everybody else believes they are,’ she added.

  Uncle Gobb had sent in his plan to the Wise People.

  The school had sent in their plan to the Wise People.

  The Wise People also knew about all the things that had been going on. They had seen the programmes on the TV.

  It wasn’t only the plans they were thinking about. They were thinking about what people had said on the TV. They were thinking about what it would look like to everyone ‘out there’ if they said yes to Uncle Gobb’s plan rather than the school’s … or what would it look like if they said yes to the school’s plan rather than Uncle Gobb’s … What would people ‘out there’ think?

  Back at the camp, everyone clustered round the portable TV, waiting for the result to be announced.

  ‘This is huge, Ponkyboy,’ said Crackersnacker.

  ‘Well, whatever happens, whichever way it goes,’ said Singalong’s nan, ‘I’m not going. I’m not leaving here.’

  ‘No, neither am I,’ said Spaghetti’s dad.

  ‘Nor me,’ said someone else, and soon everyone was saying, ‘Nor me,’ ‘Nor me,’ ‘Nor me.’

  It was almost as if they thought that the Wise People in the little room could hear them through the TV.

  Perhaps, in a way, they could.

  So there everyone sat, waiting to find out which way it would go. People were so excited and worried about it, they went very quiet. They were breathing, but breathing quietly.

  After ages and ages and ages of this, a TV person suddenly came running out of the building. Everyone looked up. She rushed to stand in front of the camera and said, ‘I have it from a very reliable source …’

  ‘What?’ said Malcolm. ‘What does that mean? What’s Reliable Sauce?’

  ‘Shhh,’ said everyone.

  ‘… that the decision goes to the school. The school will have the PLOT OF LAND.’

  This was the biggest moment ever.

  The camp erupted into a sea of shouting, cheering, towel-waving, kissing and hugging.

  It had been decided: the PLOT OF LAND was going to belong to the school!!!!

  Malcolm noticed that Lizard hugged him.

  In the middle of the hug, Malcolm asked her, ‘Is Fender your dad?’

  ‘Yep,’ said Lizard.

  ‘We won!’ shouted Crackersnacker. ‘This is so massive, it’s hugely massive, Ponkyboy.’

  ‘Yeah!’ shouted Lizard.

  ‘Yeah!’ shouted Wenda.

  Malcolm was so amazed and delighted he didn’t notice that he was rubbing his nose.

  There was a puff of smoke and out came his Genie.

  ‘I am the Genie of Malcolm’s Nose,’ he said. ‘Your wish is my command.’

  ‘Er, well, actually I haven’t got a wish,’ said Malcolm. ‘I mean, it’s all over.’

  ‘Thanks to me,’ said the Genie.

  ‘Well, you were very helpful,’ said Malcolm.

  ‘And immensely bulky,’ said the Genie.

  ‘Yes, that too,’ said Malcolm.

  ‘What do you think of the tents?’ said the Genie.

  Malcolm was about to answer when just then, he saw somebody marching towards them. It was Fred Shed. Or rather it was Uncle Gobb’s genie, Doctor Roop the Doop, disguised as Fred Shed. Stumbling along behind Fred Shed was Uncle Gobb.

  ‘Uh-uh, trouble!’ said Malcolm’s Genie.

  ‘Aren’t you supposed to be a brave and muscly Genie?’ Crackersnacker asked him.

  ‘I am,’ said Malcolm’s Genie. ‘Really I am, but not when I’m up against Doctor Roop the Doop. He’s got loads more powers than me.’

  By now, Fred Shed
(that is, Doctor Roop the Doop) and Uncle Gobb had arrived at the camp on the PLOT OF LAND.

  ‘So you win,’ said Fred Roop.

  ‘So you win,’ said Uncle Gobb, peeping out from behind Fred Roop’s back.

  ‘I just said that myself,’ said Fred Roop angrily to Uncle Gobb.

  ‘I was just backing you up,’ said Uncle Gobb.

  ‘I don’t need backing up!’ shouted Fred Roop. ‘I’m a genie. I am Doctor Roop! I am the Doctor Roop. The one and only Doctor Roop the Doop, doop de doop!’

  ‘You don’t need backing up,’ said Uncle Gobb.

  ‘I said that AS WELL!!!’ yelled Fred Roop.

  By now some more people had stopped dancing and singing and had come over to see what was going on.

  ‘Are you trying to make a fool of me in front of all these people?’ said Fred Roop, his eyes looking like they were breathing fire.

  ‘No, no, really I wasn’t,’ said Uncle Gobb. ‘Look, can we stop this? I think you’re making a fool of me.’

  It was now getting very, very awkward for everyone watching.

  ‘Shall I tell you something, Gobb?’ said Fred Roop, his voice sounding quiet but fierce. ‘I was prepared to give you one more chance, but now you’ve blown it. So, this is what I’m going to say to you: there are no more chances left, for you, Gobb. You and me are history.’

  ‘Wow!’ whispered Malcolm’s Genie to Malcolm. ‘I have never seen a genie behave like that before.’

  At that, Fred Roop turned and walked away and Uncle Gobb was left all on his own, with everyone staring at him.

  No one knew what to say. Only a few minutes earlier, he had been everyone’s arch enemy, but now he seemed like someone rather small, rather feeble and rather useless.

  People started to feel just a bit sorry for Uncle Gobb. Of course, everyone was still angry with him for trying to take over the PLOT OF LAND for himself, but their anger was now mixed with this sorry feeling too. Even for Malcolm’s mum, Tessa. And that’s saying something. After all, she had put up with Uncle Gobb and all his plans with DREAD SHEDS, and Laetitia Bildungsroman’s Tower in America. She had put up with him shouting at Malcolm at tea time, forever asking him questions and complaining about him. But even though she felt a bit sorry for him, Tessa wasn’t saying to him, ‘Come on, Derek, time to come home. I’ll put on some tea, and you pop to the shop and get the milk.’ So Uncle Gobb was just standing all on his own with all his plans in ruins ... but then – just then – there was a little movement among the people looking on.

  It was Malcolm.

  Malcolm could see that it was all over for Uncle Gobb and he stepped forward and walked towards his uncle.

  Apart from a light breeze brushing the leaves in the trees in the PLOT OF LAND, everywhere was quiet.

  When Malcolm reached Uncle Gobb, he stood in front of him, put his hand on Uncle Gobb’s arm and said, ‘Come on, Uncle Gobb, time to come home. I’ll put on some tea, and you pop round to the shop and get the milk.’

  Uncle Gobb, hardly seeming to realise it was Malcolm saying this and not Tessa, said, ‘Yes, er ... yes. I will,’ and off he went towards the shops, tapping his pocket to make sure he had enough money in there for the milk.

  Crackersnacker, Wenda and Lizard rushed over to Malcolm, and Crackersnacker put his arm round Malcolm and said, ‘That was massive, Ponkyboy. Amazing. Huge.’

  ‘Cool,’ said Lizard. ‘Really cool.’

  And Wenda popped a raisin in her mouth and offered one to anybody who wanted one.

  Everyone else drifted back to the tents to gather up stuff and clear up, chatting quietly among themselves about what they had just seen.

  ‘I’m off to the gym,’ said Malcolm’s Genie. ‘I need to pump some iron. I’ve got some serious work to do on my abs.’

  ‘Yes,’ said Malcolm to his Genie, ‘and thanks for everything. You’ve been amazing.’

  This stopped the Genie in his tracks.

  ‘Have I? Really?’ said the Genie, sounding a little unsure of himself.

  ‘Yes, you have,’ said Malcolm.

  ‘Wow!’ said the Genie. ‘That’s made my day,’ and he smiled all over his face.

  Off he went too, but not too fast, in case he bumped into Doctor Roop the Doop. That felt like something much too dangerous to face.

  Malcolm’s mum now joined Malcolm, Crackersnacker, Wenda and Lizard. She looked at them all very proudly and then said, ‘What are we waiting for? Let’s have this tea everyone’s talking about.’

  And off they all went.

  On the way home, Malcolm had a thought and whispered to Crackersnacker about it.

  ‘Do you think Uncle Gobb will stop doing all that bossy stuff now? You know, all the questions and telling us what to do?’

  ‘I don’t really know about that,’ said Crackersnacker. ‘We can hope he does, can’t we?’

  Malcolm was still worried.

  ‘Do you think Uncle Gobb will ever come up with some new plan? Some new kind of PLOT?’ he said.

  ‘No,’ said Crackersnacker very definitely. ‘Don’t worry about it, Ponkyboy.’

  APPENDIX

  In this book there were some other books and points of interest. Here is some more information about them:

  ‘Great Owl Pellets of the World’

  A beautifully illustrated book showing in great detail all the stuff that owls sick up.

  Gobb’s Secret Chair Museum

  This is a museum full of secret chairs.

  ‘Great Things to Say When You Want to Sound as If The Thing You’re Going to Do Next Is Really Easy’

  Examples:

  1. ‘Might be sunny later.’

  2. ‘Might be rainy later.’

  3. ‘Might be sunny, might be rainy, later.’

  ‘Great Lizards of the World’

  Illustrations include:

  1. Big lizard.

  2. Bigger lizard.

  3. Massive lizard.

  ‘Great Floors of the World’

  We are very sorry, but the greatest floors of the world are so great that there isn’t room to show them here.

  ‘Dictionary of the Very Worst Things to Say’

  Examples:

  1. ‘There was a maggot in that apple you’ve just eaten.’

  2. ‘Weren’t you nice once?’

  3. ‘There’s a slug in your bed. Night, night!’

  ‘The Great Book of Genie Rules’

  Examples:

  1. Clean your teeth.

  2. When you say, ‘Your wish is my command,’ don’t ever say, ‘Your fish is my command.’

  3. Jeanie Richardson from Edinburgh is not a genie.

  ‘Great Worst Case Scenarios of the World’

  One of the worst cases ever seen was on the railway train from Paddington to Bristol. It was made of yellow-and-purple-coloured cardboard and had stickers on it saying, ‘I hate you’.

  ‘Book About Earwax’

  After forty years examining earwax in his laboratory in Norwich, Professor Henrik ‘Steaming’ Filibuster discovered that earwax tastes like Brussels sprouts.

  ‘Great Football Managers’ Sayings of the World’

  Examples:

  1. ‘Football’s a game, son.’

  2. ‘The game’s not over till it’s over, lad.’

  3. ‘If you want to score a goal, lad, the place to put the ball is in the net.’

  ‘Great Genie Sayings of the World’

  Examples:

  1. ‘If you want to go places, I’ve got a very nice flying carpet in the back of my van.’

  2. ‘Could be flu, could be a broken leg. How should I know? I’m not a doctor!’

  3. ‘I taught that Beyoncé how to sing.’

  Malcolm, Crackersnacker, Lizard and Wenda’s

  BIG BOOK OF HOW TO STOP UNCLE GOBB

  Killer Questions to ask Uncle Gobb when he starts shouting at us:

  1.Where is the universe?

  2.Where does the wind go?

  3.What
is nothing?

  4.What is half a football?

  5.Do sharks know that they are sharks?

  6.What’s the opposite of a tomato?

  7.How far is it from one to two?

  8.Where does your lap go when you stand up?

  9.What does ‘the’ mean?

  10.Why is it always today?

  Bogus Killer Facts to stop Uncle Gobb telling us facts we don’t want to know:

  1.If a cat ate dog food it would turn into a dog.

  2.If a dog ate cat food the cat would be hungry.

  3.The Romans were called Romans because they were always roamin’.

  4.The Saxons are called Saxons because they carried sacks.

  5.The Normans are called Normans because all the men were called Norman.

  6.The first genie was called Jeanie.

  7.They’ve invented a new digital cure for sore eyes: an iPatch.

  8.Cynthia Worshfall of Northwood, Middlesex, is so cold that she grows ice cubes in her armpits.

  9.January 12, 1924, was abolished.

  10.In the olden days they used to call a t-shirt a ‘cup of tea shirt’ because people used to put that kind of shirt on when they were having a cup of tea.

  Obvious things to say to Uncle Gobb so that he’ll run out the room shouting, ‘I know, I know, I know! Tell them I know that, Tess!’:

  1.The Gingerbread Man is not really a man. He’s made of gingerbread and men are not made of gingerbread. If men were made of gingerbread they wouldn’t be able to speak because gingerbread can’t talk.