The Bluest Eye
Page 16
“What we gone do, Frieda?”
“What can we do? Miss Johnson said it would be a miracle if it lived.”
“So let’s make it a miracle.”
“Yeah, but how?”
“We could pray.”
“That’s not enough. Remember last time with the bird?”
“That was different; it was half-dead when we found it.”
“I don’t care, I still think we have to do something really strong this time.”
“Let’s ask Him to let Pecola’s baby live and promise to be good for a whole month.”
“O.K. But we better give up something so He’ll know we really mean it this time.”
“Give up what? We ain’t got nothing. Nothing but the seed money, two dollars.”
“We could give that. Or, you know what? We could give up the bicycle. Bury the money and…plant the seeds.”
“All of the money?”
“Claudia, do you want to do it or not?”
“O.K. I just thought…O.K.”
“We have to do it right, now. We’ll bury the money over by her house so we can’t go back and dig it up, and we’ll plant the seeds out back of our house so we can watch over them. And when they come up, we’ll know everything is all right. All right?”
“All right. Only let me sing this time. You say the magic words.”
LOOKLOOKHERECOMESAFRIENDTHE
FRIENDWILLPLAYWITHJANETHEYWI
LLPLAYAGOODGAMEPLAYJANEPLAY
How many times a minute are you going to look inside that old thing?
I didn’t look in a long time.
You did too—
So what? I can look if I want to.
I didn’t say you couldn’t. I just don’t know why you have to look every minute. They aren’t going anywhere.
I know it. I just like to look.
You scared they might go away?
Of course not. How can they go away?
The others went away.
They didn’t go away. They changed.
Go away. Change. What’s the difference?
A lot. Mr. Soaphead said they would last forever.
Forever and ever Amen?
Yes, if you want to know.
You don’t have to be so smarty when you talk to me.
I’m not being smarty. You started it.
I’d just like to do something else besides watch you stare in that mirror.
You’re just jealous.
I am not.
You are. You wish you had them.
Ha. What would I look like with blue eyes?
Nothing much.
If you’re going to keep this up, I may as well go on off by myself.
No. Don’t go. What you want to do?
We could go outside and play, I guess.
But it’s too hot.
You can take your old mirror. Put it in your coat pocket, and you can look at yourself up and down the street.
Boy! I never would have thought you’d be so jealous.
Oh, come on!
You are.
Are what?
Jealous.
O.K. So I’m jealous.
See. I told you.
No. I told you.
Are they really nice?
Yes. Very nice.
Just “very nice”?
Really, truly, very nice.
Really, truly, bluely nice?
Oh, God. You are crazy.
I am not!
I didn’t mean it that way.
Well, what did you mean?
Come on. It’s too hot in here.
Wait a minute. I can’t find my shoes.
Here they are.
Oh. Thank you.
Got your mirror?
Yes dearie….
Well, let’s go then…. Ow!
What’s the matter?
The sun is too bright. It hurts my eyes.
Not mine. I don’t even blink. Look. I can look right at the sun.
Don’t do that.
Why not? It doesn’t hurt. I don’t even have to blink.
Well, blink anyway. You make me feel funny, staring at the sun like that.
Feel funny how?
I don’t know.
Yes, you do. Feel funny how?
I told you, I don’t know.
Why don’t you look at me when you say that? You’re looking drop-eyed like Mrs. Breedlove.
Mrs. Breedlove look drop-eyed at you?
Yes. Now she does. Ever since I got my blue eyes, she look away from me all of the time. Do you suppose she’s jealous too?
Could be. They are pretty, you know.
I know. He really did a good job. Everybody’s jealous. Every time I look at somebody, they look off.
Is that why nobody has told you how pretty they are?
Sure it is. Can you imagine? Something like that happening to a person, and nobody but nobody saying anything about it? They all try to pretend they don’t see them. Isn’t that funny?…I said, isn’t that funny?
Yes.
You are the only one who tells me how pretty they are.
Yes.
You are a real friend. I’m sorry about picking on you before. I mean, saying you were jealous and all.
That’s all right.
No. Really. You are my very best friend. Why didn’t I know you before?
You didn’t need me before.
Didn’t need you?
I mean…you were so unhappy before. I guess you didn’t notice me before.
I guess you’re right. And I was so lonely for friends. And you were right here. Right before my eyes.
No, honey. Right after your eyes.
What?
What does Maureen think about your eyes?
She doesn’t say anything about them. Has she said anything to you about them?
No. Nothing.
Do you like Maureen?
Oh. She’s all right. For a half-white girl, that is.
I know what you mean. But would you like to be her friend? I mean, would you like to go around with her or anything?
No.
Me neither. But she sure is popular.
Who wants to be popular?
Not me.
Me neither.
But you couldn’t be popular anyway. You don’t even go to school.
You don’t either.
I know. But I used to.
What did you stop for?
They made me.
Who made you?
I don’t know. After that first day at school when I had my blue eyes. Well, the next day they had Mrs. Breedlove come out. Now I don’t go anymore. But I don’t care.
You don’t?
No, I don’t. They’re just prejudiced, that’s all.
Yes, they sure are prejudiced.
Just because I got blue eyes, bluer than theirs, they’re prejudiced.
That’s right.
They are bluer, aren’t they?
Oh, yes. Much bluer.
Bluer than Joanna’s?
Much bluer than Joanna’s.
And bluer than Michelena’s?
Much bluer than Michelena’s.
I thought so. Did Michelena say anything to you about my eyes?
No. Nothing.
Did you say anything to her?
No.
How come?
How come what?
How come you don’t talk to anybody?
I talk to you.
Besides me.
I don’t like anybody besides you.
Where do you live?
I told you once.
What is your mother’s name?
Why are you so busy meddling me?
I just wondered. You don’t talk to anybody. You don’t go to school. And nobody talks to you.
How do you know nobody talks to me?
They don’t. When you’re in the house with me, even Mrs. Breedlove doesn’t say anything to you. Ever. Sometimes I wonder if she even sees you.
Why wouldn’t she see me?
I don’t know. She almost walks right over you.
Maybe she doesn’t feel too good since Cholly’s gone.
Oh, yes. You must be right.
She probably misses him.
I don’t know why she would. All he did was get drunk and beat her up.
Well, you know how grown-ups are.
Yes. No. How are they?
Well, she probably loved him anyway.
HIM?
Sure. Why not? Anyway, if she didn’t love him, she sure let him do it to her a lot.
That’s nothing.
How do you know?
I saw them all the time. She didn’t like it.
Then why’d she let him do it to her?
Because he made her.
How could somebody make you do something like that?
Easy.
Oh, yeah? How easy?
They just make you, that’s all.
I guess you’re right. And Cholly could make anybody do anything.
He could not.
He made you, didn’t he?
Shut up!
I was only teasing.
Shut up!
O.K. O.K.
He just tried, see? He didn’t do anything. You hear me?
I’m shutting up.
You’d better. I don’t like that kind of talk.
I said I’m shutting up.
You always talk so dirty. Who told you about that, anyway?
I forget.
Sammy?
No. You did.
I did not.
You did. You said he tried to do it to you when you were sleeping on the couch.
See there! You don’t even know what you’re talking about. It was when I was washing dishes.
Oh, yes. Dishes.
By myself. In the kitchen.
Well, I’m glad you didn’t let him.
Yes.
Did you?
Did I what?
Let him.
Now who’s crazy?
I am, I guess.
You sure are.
Still…
Well. Go ahead. Still what?
I wonder what it would be like.
Horrible.
Really?
Yes. Horrible.
Then why didn’t you tell Mrs. Breedlove?
I did tell her!
I don’t mean about the first time. I mean about the second time, when you were sleeping on the couch.
I wasn’t sleeping! I was reading!
You don’t have to shout.
You don’t understand anything, do you? She didn’t even believe me when I told her.
So that’s why you didn’t tell her about the second time?
She wouldn’t have believed me then either.
You’re right. No use telling her when she wouldn’t believe you.
That’s what I’m trying to get through your thick head.
O.K. I understand now. Just about.
What do you mean, just about?
You sure are mean today.
You keep on saying mean and sneaky things. I thought you were my friend.
I am. I am.
Then leave me alone about Cholly.
O.K.
There’s nothing more to say about him, anyway. He’s gone, anyway.
Yes. Good riddance.
Yes. Good riddance.
And Sammy’s gone too.
And Sammy’s gone too.
So there’s no use talking about it. I mean them.
No. No use at all.
It’s all over now.
Yes.
And you don’t have to be afraid of Cholly coming at you anymore.
No.
That was horrible, wasn’t it?
Yes.
The second time too?
Yes.
Really? The second time too?
Leave me alone! You better leave me alone.
Can’t you take a joke? I was only funning.
I don’t like to talk about dirty things.
Me neither. Let’s talk about something else.
What? What will we talk about?
Why, your eyes.
Oh, yes. My eyes. My blue eyes. Let me look again.
See how pretty they are.
Yes. They get prettier each time I look at them.
They are the prettiest I’ve ever seen.
Really?
Oh, yes.
Prettier than the sky?
Oh, yes. Much prettier than the sky.
Prettier than Alice-and-Jerry Storybook eyes?
Oh, yes. Much prettier than Alice-and-Jerry Storybook eyes.
And prettier than Joanna’s?
Oh, yes. And bluer too.
Bluer than Michelena’s?
Yes.
Are you sure?
Of course I’m sure.
You don’t sound sure….
Well, I am sure. Unless….
Unless what?
Oh, nothing. I was just thinking about a lady I saw yesterday. Her eyes sure were blue. But no. Not bluer than yours.
Are you sure?
Yes. I remember them now. Yours are bluer.
I’m glad.
Me too. I’d hate to think there was anybody around with bluer eyes than yours. I’m sure there isn’t. Not around here, anyway.
But you don’t know, do you? You haven’t seen everybody, have you?
No. I haven’t.
So there could be, couldn’t there?
Not hardly.
But maybe. Maybe. You said “around here.” Nobody “around here” probably has bluer eyes. What about someplace else? Even if my eyes are bluer than Joanna’s and bluer than Michelena’s and bluer than that lady’s you saw, suppose there is somebody way off somewhere with bluer eyes than mine?
Don’t be silly.
There could be. Couldn’t there?
Not hardly.
But suppose. Suppose a long way off. In Cincinnati, say, there is somebody whose eyes are bluer than mine? Suppose there are two people with bluer eyes?
So what? You asked for blue eyes. You got blue eyes.
He should have made them bluer.
Who?
Mr. Soaphead.
Did you say what color blue you wanted them?
No. I forgot.
Oh. Well.
Look. Look over there. At that girl. Look at her eyes. Are they bluer than mine?
No, I don’t think so.
Did you look real good?
Yes.
Here comes someone. Look at his. See if they’re bluer.
You’re being silly. I’m not going to look at everybody’s eyes.
You have to.
No I don’t.
Please. If there is somebody with bluer eyes than mine, then maybe there is somebody with the bluest eyes. The bluest eyes in the whole world.
That’s just too bad, isn’t it?
Please help me look.
No.
But suppose my eyes aren’t blue enough?
Blue enough for what?
Blue enough for…I don’t know. Blue enough for something. Blue enough…for you!
I’m not going to play with you anymore.
Oh. Don’t leave me.
Yes. I am.
Why? Are you mad at me?
Yes.
Because my eyes aren’t blue enough? Because I don’t have the bluest eyes?
No. Because you’re acting silly.
Don’t go. Don’t leave me. Will you come back if I get them?
Get what?
The bluest eyes. Will you come back then?
Of course I will. I’m just going away for a little while.
You promise?
Sure. I’ll be back. Right before your very eyes.
So it was.
A little black girl yearns for the blue eyes of a little white girl, and the horror at the heart of her yearning is exceeded only by the evil of fulfillment.
The damage done was total. She spent her days, her tendril, sap-green days, walking up and down, up and down, her head jerking to the beat of a drummer so distant only she could hear. Elbows bent, hands on shoulders, she flailed her arms like a bird in an eternal, grotesquely futile effort to fly. Beating the air, a winged but grounded bird, intent on the blue void it could not reach—could not even see—but which filled the valleys of the mind.
We tried to see her without looking at her, and never, never went near. Not because she was absurd, or repulsive, or because we were frightened, but because we had failed her. Our flowers never grew. I was convinced that Frieda was right, that I had planted them too deeply. How could I have been so sloven? So we avoided Pecola Breedlove—forever.
And the years folded up like pocket handkerchiefs. Sammy left town long ago; Cholly died in the workhouse; Mrs. Breedlove still does housework. And Pecola is somewhere in that little brown house she and her mother moved to on the edge of town, where you can see her even now, once in a while. The birdlike gestures are worn away to a mere picking and plucking her way between the tire rims and the sunflowers, between Coke bottles and milkweed, among all the waste and beauty of the world—which is what she herself was. All of our waste which we dumped on her and which she absorbed. And all of our beauty, which was hers first and which she gave to us. All of us—all who knew her—felt so wholesome after we cleaned ourselves on her. We were so beautiful when we stood astride her ugliness. Her simplicity decorated us, her guilt sanctified us, her pain made us glow with health, her awkwardness made us think we had a sense of humor. Her inarticulateness made us believe we were eloquent. Her poverty kept us generous. Even her waking dreams we used—to silence our own nightmares. And she let us, and thereby deserved our contempt. We honed our egos on her, padded our characters with her frailty, and yawned in the fantasy of our strength.