by M. J. Haag
I liked how he thought, but I still felt terrible that he wasn’t eating enough. With the recent supply run, there was plenty to be had, but not a lot of meat. It made me wonder how many of the fey weren’t eating enough. Especially those trying to provide for someone else.
“Do you love her?” I asked. “Mom?”
“I do. Very much. She has a smart mind and a kind heart. And I like the way she touches me.”
“Okay. That’s enough. I get the idea.”
“Do you think she loves me?” he asked.
“She hasn’t said anything?”
“She is like you. Instead of anger, she carries much sadness. I know she misses Russ.”
It was weird hearing him say my dad’s name.
“Dad would have liked you, I think. He was a good judge of character and understood what it meant to do the right thing by someone. Even if that person didn’t want help.” I looked at the house I’d called home for a few short weeks. “Mom’s not good with being soft. She might not have said the words yet, but she wouldn’t be with you if she didn’t care about you a great deal. Never doubt that.”
He grunted and opened the door for me.
“Nancy, Brenna is home,” he called.
“About damn time,” Mom called back.
I appreciatively sniffed the air as I stepped inside and started stripping off my layers of clothing.
“Are you making cornbread?” I asked.
She appeared in the hall with a scowl.
“No. I’m making pancakes.” She disappeared into the kitchen again.
“She hides vegetables in my food and thinks I don’t know,” Uan said softly. “I know.”
I smothered my grin and followed him into the kitchen, where Mom had a large stack of pancakes waiting on his plate.
“I’ll make up some more batter in a minute,” Mom said.
“There’s no need,” Uan said. “Brenna can have some of mine. We must hurry to Tenacity to trade.”
I was barely keeping it together as he placed three of the pancakes on my plate then hesitated before quickly adding a fourth under Mom’s watchful gaze.
“She needs energy,” Uan said lamely. “She is still healing.”
Mom looked at me and shook her head. She knew exactly what he was doing.
“Do whatever it takes to get more meat. We’re out of dog food, and he’s barely eating.”
“Don’t worry. We’ll figure something out,” I said.
Fifteen minutes later, I was licking the maple syrup off my fingers as I walked beside Uan in the pre-dawn light. He and a friend of his, Tor, carried two boxes each of veggies.
“I can’t believe you don’t like syrup,” I said. “It makes the pancakes so much better.”
“Having no vegetables in them makes them better.”
“Have you considered swapping this for whatever meat’s in the supply shed?” I asked.
“The meat is for the humans. We will find more for us.”
Tor nodded in agreement, and I frowned at them.
“That makes no sense. We’re going to Tenacity to trade with humans for meat.”
Uan flashed his pointed teeth at me.
“Yes, but we will be helping them because they will want far more cans of vegetables for their cans of meat. More cans of food mean less growling bellies.”
So this trade wasn’t really about him then. He was finding a way to help the other humans without breaking Mya and Matt’s rules. And Uan already had a girl. I shook my head at myself. I’d been so blind to the fey’s truly helpful nature. Sure, they wanted a woman of their own. They were all pretty open about that. But they honestly wanted to help everyone else, too. Well, most everyone. Their willingness to help the men was tentative so long as it didn’t get in the way of their first objective.
We met Ryan and his group by the wall. Since a number of fey were still on the livestock run, he planned to take a small supply group out into the rural areas to see what they could find. It was safer than trying another run to Harrisonville undermanned.
At Tenacity, we found a few volunteers waiting to join the supply-run group. I waved to them as they left and helped Uan and Tor set up in the supply shed. Not that there was much to set up.
Despite the early hour, we got rid of the vegetables in minutes, people already having caught on to the fact that the fey liked meat. The seven meager cans we’d received in return weren’t much, but the two fey seemed happy.
Uan cracked one open right away and offered me a bite.
“I’m full from breakfast,” I said. “You go ahead.”
Matt came jogging up before Uan finished eating and spoke directly to both fey.
“I’m glad you’re still here. One of the newcomers, a young girl about thirteen, went missing last night. None of the guards saw her leave, which means she has to be here somewhere. With your heightened senses, I was hoping you could help us look.” Matt glanced at me. “Would you be willing to keep an eye on the fey from the top of the wall and yell if there’s any trouble?”
“Sure.”
Matt focused on Uan and Tor again.
“I think the girl’s scared. If you find her, don’t approach. I’m not sure what set her off that she’d want to hide.”
“Maybe the hounds last night,” I said. “Could you hear them from here?”
He nodded grimly.
“Is everyone in Tolerance okay?”
“Yeah, the fey took care of the hounds.”
“Three less to spread the infection,” Uan said.
“Good,” Matt said. “Thank you for killing the hellhounds, and thank you for your help now. We need every person we have.”
I hurriedly climbed the wall and watched Tor leave with Matt while Uan trekked through the neighborhood on his own. Keeping an eye on them wasn’t easy. The place was large, and people were starting to leave their homes and walk around.
I lost Uan when he turned to go down the next street and had to jog along the wall to find him. As I did, a person caught my attention. He was walking away from me, so I only saw the back of his head, but something about his swagger made me freeze.
A memory rose. I blinked, watching the man, but he had his hood up so I couldn’t see his face.
Uan turned the corner and nodded to the man as he jogged by. The man paused and turned to watch Uan, who waved at me.
I didn’t look at Uan or raise my arm. I couldn’t. It felt like all the blood in my body rushed to my toes. Lightheaded, I struggled to stay upright.
Van’s gaze shifted from Uan to me, and a slow smile parted his lips.
Chapter Sixteen
The man who’d raped me more than a month ago, nodded, turned, then disappeared around the next corner. Van couldn’t be here. This couldn’t be real. I staggered sideways a step as if struck by an invisible fist.
“Brenna!” Uan called.
When I didn’t answer, he did the typical fey jump-climb up the wall. His arms wrapped around me, and he held me close.
“Get a room, fey-lover,” someone yelled.
“Was someone mean to you?” Uan asked. He lowered his voice. “I can hurt them for you.”
I wrapped my arms around his waist and hugged Uan in return, still shaking but not feeling as terrifyingly alone.
“You might not have made me, but you’re as real of a dad as my first one was. Thank you.”
He grunted and continued to hold me.
“Why is your heart running in fear?”
“Because for a minute, I felt alone again. But I’m not.” I pulled back and managed to smile up at him. “I have you. And the rest of the fey.”
“And Thallirin,” he said.
And I never missed him more.
“Any luck finding the girl?” I asked.
“Yes. She was in a closet, crying. Matt is talking to her now, but we can go.”
It seemed like my body knew it was the time of day to wake up because, despite spending the night on the wall and going straight
to Tenacity afterward, my eyes wouldn’t stay closed in the darkened bedroom. I kept thinking of Van.
The last time I’d seen him, he’d been standing with his father and the other gunmen just outside their coveted bunker. I recalled the look of anger on their faces, especially Van’s scowl despite his broken nose, as I was led to the back of a truck with the other people the fey had saved from a life of subjugation.
What Van and his group had done, murdering my father and kidnapping us, was inexcusable even with the world gone to shit. Mom had wanted him dead, but Eden had talked her out of it because she thought Mom wouldn’t want that weight on her shoulders. Given all he’d done to me and my family, I’d wanted him dead, too. However, after listening to Eden talk to Mom, I’d kept quiet because I hadn’t wanted to make that choice, either. A deep part of me wasn’t so sure she would have regretted the group’s death. And, that had worried me.
In the end, it had been the decision of Matt’s emissary that they leave the group where they were and take half their supplies.
Just as I’d kept my silence then, I’d kept my silence again when we left Tenacity. I was no longer sure what was right.
In our old society, those men would have been tried, found guilty, and put in jail. But there were no jails now. There was just outside the wall. And, outside the wall was eventual death.
If I turned Van in, just so he’d be cast out again, would that make me just like him? A killer? While I'd killed plenty of infected, I didn't know if I could live with sending Van to his death. Actually, I knew I could live with it, but I wasn't sure if I wanted to be that person.
But doing nothing felt like pardoning him.
I was seriously conflicted and trying not to be angry about it. Especially after my talk with Uan.
Had taking their supplies been enough to force them out of the bunker? Or were they at Tenacity because they wanted something else? It was the second question that worried me more. What if my silence hurt someone else? Turning Van in would then be to protect others, not for revenge. Yet, it was that small spark of need to see him hurt that made me wonder if my thoughts were only empty justifications for getting what I wanted.
Rolling over in an attempt to get comfortable, I almost missed hearing the kitchen door close. I lifted my head from the pillow and watched the hallway. The moment Thallirin appeared, his gaze met mine and he froze.
“I'm really glad you're home,” I said.
He started toward the hall again and stepped into the bedroom. He was shirtless, already wearing shorts, and had wet hair. That he’d bathed before coming home wasn’t a good sign.
“How did it go? Any trouble?”
“There were infected. And a few hellhounds.”
He sat on the bed and gently ran his fingers along my cheek. I leaned into the touch, needing him more than I’d thought possible.
“I am glad I am home, too,” he said.
“Did you sleep at all?”
He shook his head, and I patted the bed. The mattress dipped as he lay down beside me, and he settled in with a long exhale. I liked that he wrapped an arm around me so I could snuggle closer. My hand rested on his bare chest, just over the steady beat of his heart. Idly, I touched a scar.
His fingers toyed with my hair.
“I heard stories about when you first came to the surface. That you didn't know what we were and killed a lot of us. Is that true?”
“It is.”
“Now that you know what we are, does it bother you that you killed some of us?”
“We were naïve and uninformed when we came here. Knowledge often creates guilt. Why are you asking? Are you angry that I killed?”
I wasn’t stupid. He’d worded his answer to sound like he felt guilty, but that wasn’t what he’d said. He wasn’t remorseful that he’d killed, and I wasn’t judging him for it. I rather wished I could be like that.
“From what I’d heard, you were killing people who were shooting at you. It was defense.”
“Sometimes. Sometimes, it was not. Does that change your answer?”
“No. I know who you are now.” I lifted my head to meet his gaze. “You're a good man.”
He grunted.
Resting my head on his shoulder once more, I thought about who I wanted to be. I wanted to be a good person. I wasn't yet sure what I would do, but I knew that I would have Thallirin’s support, no matter what. I turned my head and pressed my lips against his bare chest.
His fingers stilled in my hair. Looking up at him, I met his hungry gaze.
“Will you kiss me?”
His hand moved in my hair, and he rolled to his side, bringing our faces closer together.
“I have done nothing in my life to deserve you. But I will never let you go.”
He closed the distance as he held my gaze. When his lips met mine, it was in the briefest of caresses. He didn't pull back, though. His thumb stroked my cheek, and he kissed my bottom lip. Then the corner of my mouth. Each touch was sweeter than the last and made my heart ache and my pulse start to race.
When our lips met once more, I opened to him. He made a low sound the moment my tongue touched his. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, desperate to feel him holding me, and caressed his skin, silently pleading for him to come closer. And he did, shifting so he hovered just above me.
I loved the way he started to shake as he tried to hold himself back and did what I could to break that control by slowly hooking one leg around his hip.
He growled, claiming my lips with an intensity that left me breathless. I needed more. It only took a little pressure for him to settle his hips against mine. The hard length of him pressed against my sweet spot and sent a shiver of need through me. I locked my other leg around his hips and ground against him.
Thallirin tore his lips from mine with a groan and arched into me, making me gasp with pleasure. I slid my hands from his shoulders to his clenched jaw and lifted enough to kiss him again as I continued to move under him.
The moment my fingers accidentally brushed his ears, I lost him.
One minute, he was on top of me; the next, he was standing by the bathroom door, his chest heaving and his pupils dilated.
I touched my lips as I looked at him.
“I’m tired of being alone. Let me be with you.”
He closed his eyes and exhaled shakily.
“Soon,” he said roughly.
“You’re stubbornly annoying with this. And I hope we never have a reason to regret your hesitation.”
I patted the bed.
“Lay by me. I promise not to touch you.”
He remained by the door, still shaking lightly.
“I don’t think I’ll be able to fall asleep alone.” I hated admitting it, but it was true.
“Why?” he asked softly.
“Because I don’t know who I’ll be when I wake up.”
“Be who you are now.”
“I don’t even know who that is anymore.”
“You’re a hunter. A warrior woman who helps kill hellhounds. Who protects and gathers for her family.”
I smiled slightly at the fact that he’d already heard about what had happened while he was gone. Fey were terrible gossipmongers.
Thallirin returned to the bed and pulled me close to his chest.
“You’re also like me. Lost in a new world, looking for something to anchor you. Something to make your life whole again. But you can stop looking and find peace, now. You are mine, Brenna, and I am yours.”
The simple statements wrapped around my heart. I yawned hugely and closed my eyes. Thallirin made me feel safe even when what I’d feared was myself.
“Sleep, Brenna.”
The faint sound of knocking woke me enough that I felt Thallirin untangle himself from my hold. Making a small noise in protest, I loosely grabbed for my personal fey body pillow. He chuckled, kissed my brow, and left.
I pouted with my eyes closed, drifting in that in-between state of sleep and awake. A soft murmur
of voices pulled me from that pleasant, hazy state of being. Forcing my eyes open, I crawled out of bed to see who was there.
Zach grinned at me the minute I shuffled my way into the entry.
“You look like hell,” he said.
I squinted at his silhouette in the afternoon light.
“Since I only managed a few hours of sleep, I’m not surprised. What’s up?”
“We’re doing a cow run.”
“A what?”
He shook his head at me.
“Get dressed and come see. You can sleep later like a normal person.”
Thallirin looked at me, letting me decide what to do.
“Fine. I’ll be ready in a minute.”
I went back to the bedroom and started pulling on clothes.
“You can sleep more,” Thallirin said behind me.
“Nah. He’s right. If I keep sleeping now, I won’t be able to sleep tonight.”
“Damn straight, I’m right,” Zach called from the kitchen.
I rolled my eyes and closed myself into the bathroom while Thallirin dressed.
After a quick breakfast bar, Thallirin and I followed Zach out of the house. The first cow I spotted was wandering down a street. It mooed at us as we approached.
“Can we eat it?” I asked, eyeing its large belly.
“Not yet. According to the fey, every cow still alive was pregnant.”
“Really?” I glanced at Thallirin, who gave a brief nod.
“They were in a cement building away from the others. Someone had been caring for them. We think maybe one of the newcomers.”
“We have about thirty head of cattle.” Zach grinned at me. “I’ve always wanted to say that.”
“Should I look for a cowboy hat for you next time we’re out?”
“I’d be much obliged.”
I rolled my eyes.
“Anyway, it’s dangerous having them all in one place. Drav talked it over with Matt, and Matt agreed. Tenacity will look after half the herd. We won’t be able to eat any until after they give birth. Richard and Matt were talking about a butchering plan. They want the cattle to sustain us long term, but we need to be sure we can sustain them. Not only are we going to need to raid towns for supplies, we’re also going to need to start raiding farms for feed.”