Client from Hell: A Hellishly Magical Comedy (with a body count)

by R. J. Blain

  “You’re a fucking asshole,” Diana muttered under her breath, although she would need to work harder at not being heard—unless she could shield her thoughts.

  “She can’t,” Lucifer confirmed. “It’s delightful.”

  “It really isn’t.” Diana grabbed one of the free chairs, pulled it to my bedside, and sat. “First, you don’t have to worry about your virus with any one of us. We can’t catch it from you. The only person in our close circles at any risk of contracting the virus is Darlene’s brother, and he has the ability to purge the virus at his whim. He’s an incubus.”

  “A single incubus, available for your enjoyment if you would like to take him home with you,” Darlene announced.

  Lucifer lifted a hand and rubbed at his temple, the gesture so human I stared at him at a loss. “My darling, why are you throwing your brother at my intern?”

  “She’s adorable, she’s spunky, and she’s tolerating you so well I feel she might be able to handle Jonas at his worst. He’s always at his worst. The last succubus you gave him left him to work a brothel. He’s whining. A new lycanthrope isn’t going to leave my brother to go work a brothel. He was taking good care of her! She had no reason to leave, damn it.”

  “She’s a succubus, my darling. Perhaps I was a little hasty in making certain I flipped certain switches in his DNA, but he was supposed to feed her until she recovered, not keep her permanently.”

  “Well, give him one of your unicorns, then. I’m tired of the fucking whining.”

  “Sandra, any seductions of available men, devils, or demons in my many hells is entirely optional. Don’t listen to my wife. You do not need to attach yourself to her brother unless you want to.”

  Darlene hissed at the Devil, and her ears turned back. “Why are you being an asshole?”

  “I’m not being an asshole. I’m actually doing a good deed for once in my life.”

  “How is preventing Jonas from having a stable relationship doing a good deed?”

  The Devil rolled his eyes. “I’m giving her a chance to decide if she would enjoy having a permanent relationship with an incubus.”

  “She’ll love it. She will never wake up cold and alone in bed, unlike me, who did this morning. Because someone had gotten out of bed.” The woman hissed at her husband again. “You’re evil.”

  “I’m the Devil. Were you expecting something other than pure evil?”

  “Yes. I expected you to be in my bed every morning. That is where you belong.”

  “I’m pretty sure that’s my bed.”

  “It’s my bed now.”

  The two settled into their spat. I’d seen my parents fight a few times, but never over something like that. I blinked, and I turned my attention to Diana. “It’s like the courthouse again, except this time, they’re fighting about their sex life.”

  “Darlene is a succubus, and she’s on a very restricted diet. We received the call early in our morning that you were able to receive guests, so he wanted to finalize some of our preparations to meet with you, which involved him leaving bed. Darlene does not like waking up without him around, and he was busy enough he neglected to acquire an iced coffee for her, so she’s grouchy. Iced coffee tames the beast.”

  Without any evidence the pair remembered they weren’t alone in my hospital room, they flung barbs at each other, with Lucifer adding in a few hints of what he might do to his wife once he got her home. The threatened good time served to infuriate his wife, adding fuel to her fire. “I can’t tell if he’s provoking her on purpose or not.”

  “He’s provoking her on purpose. They’re always like this. The instant she tries to strangle him, she’ll end up ripping him out of his clothes, and he’ll take care of feeding her. She’s been difficult to keep fed lately. Lucifer thinks she’s about to go back into her fertility cycle, earlier than expected, but that happens with succubi sometimes. Unfortunately, the other demons and devils tend to feed off her general frustrations, so there are a lot of hungry folks running around hell right now.”

  “Thus the commentary about her brother?”

  “She’s just a bleeding heart, and he’s moping because he is a lot like her. The Devil made him that way. After he finished being converted into an incubus, he became a hardline monogamist, so he will only engage one female at a time, and he is inclined to want to form permanent relationships. Succubi are typically on the exact opposite end of the spectrum, so they stray, he whines about it, and Darlene gets riled up. Because Darlene is riled up, unfortunately, part of your internship will involve potentially partnering Jonas with eligible women or succubi in need of therapy.”

  “Succubi need therapy?”

  “Sometimes, they get caught by a human or other species, and they’re starved. Jonas is one of the best at all forms of therapy for them. He has sufficient base energy to handle any succubus at her worst, and he has a gentle touch, so he doesn’t scare them while they’re feeding. A lot of them come back abused, and Jonas is the one who gets them back on their feet. Unfortunately, the instant they’re on the right side of the line, they’re off to hunting again, because they don’t like just sticking around with one man unless they’re bonded. Jonas doesn’t want to raise any little ones outside of a permanent relationship, so he never bites on procreation offers.”

  Well, I’d learned something new. “Are you saying that this incubus is the marrying kind?”

  “And he wants the white picket fence with the little kids under foot image to go with it. He’s, frankly, pretty messed up for an incubus.” Diana pressed a few buttons on the meter and held the device out, which had a metal probe extending from it. “Prick your finger on that so we can get a look at your health. In good news, I can probably submit some of these test results to the hospital for you to spare you from some testing today.”

  I did as directed, and the machine beeped. “I’ll totally understand if those test results bar me from being an intern.”

  “You’re stuck with Lucy, I’m afraid. Once he decides he’s taking on a new minion, that’s it. He’s getting his minion. In this case, he’s after you. Your health is now an obstacle he will overcome, and he’s not against indulging in nefarious behavior to get what he wants. You’re not the only cancer survivor in his employ, but he caught mine early enough I dodged the hospital stay. I also got divine intervention, as there’s little worse than Lucifer when he’s whining about the misfortunes of his favorite mortals.”

  “He just met me.”

  “I never said he was sensible.” Diana’s meter beeped, and she glared at the screen, tapping at it. “All right, let’s go over the basics. Your lycanthropy virus is developing well, and you need to be registered as being contagious. That’s ahead of schedule. Your blood pressure is low. Lucifer, stop arguing with your wife long enough to notify the staff she needs at least a unit and a half, preferably two. Check if the donor is available for that much. If not, get a universal human donor or recruit Jonas to serve as a blood bank.”

  The mention of her brother’s name caught Darlene’s attention. “I’ll break his legs if he doesn’t agree if he’s needed.” Grabbing hold of her husband by his ear, she dragged him to the door. “We’ll be back within an hour with an appropriate donor. Does the machine think she’s hemorrhaging?”

  Diana tapped on the meter’s display before shaking her head. “I don’t know why her blood pressure is low. You’ll have to take that up with the doctors. The meter is recommending a unit and a half or two to be on the safe side, and that’s all it’s telling me. I’ll send the test result to your phone, Lucifer.”

  “Do, and send any other results you think are important. I’ll make the appropriate arrangements, and if it falls outside of their approved testing and care, I’ll handle making sure they handle any treatments required.”

  Shaking her head, Diana returned to her work. The Devil and his wife left.

  “Should I be concerned?”

  “I suspect the hospital was probably planning on a transfusi
on. We were told we had a set time limit before you were going into more treatments, and the transfusions can take several hours. Your blood pressure is not dangerously low, and from the initial results, the meter doesn’t appear to be reporting any active hemorrhaging, so it’s fine. Try not to worry. Next. You’re registering as someone with similar genetics to a triad’s child, but it’s also stating you have human parentage. Is that correct?”

  “That’s correct. I’m weird.”

  “You’ll fit right in with us then, so don’t you worry about that. The meter states you have a general aptitude for practitioner magic, so if you are not trained, you’ll need to be. There’s a flag to check for your ability to perceive the shrouds.”

  My eyes widened. “The meter can tell that?”

  “Yes. There is a genetic marker that flips to on, which can permit humans to pierce through the shroud. Your marker is on.” Diana picked up her phone, tapped on the screen, and held it to her ear. “Lucifer, be careful of your shroud. Her marker is activated, and she does not have the matching markers to survive through any mistakes on your part.” Without waiting for an answer, she hung up. “I will layer additional shrouds on Lucifer until he rectifies that situation. There are ways he can activate the appropriate marker to make certain you are not accidentally eradicated due to seeing something you shouldn’t.”

  “So, that shimmer around him is the shroud? I saw it at the courthouse.”

  Diana grimaced. “Yes, that’s the shroud. How long have you been seeing the shimmer?”

  “I’ve only seen it once, when he was at court. That was right after my cancer symptoms started. I saw it around some angels, too.”

  “The cancer probably flipped the marker to on. It happens, rarely, with humans who are dying. Lucifer will take extra care with you until he can make certain adjustments that will prevent you from being killed should you see through the shroud.” Her grimace softened to a smile. “Take Lucifer for all he’s worth. He makes good starter offers, but you should be aggressive and negotiate. It’s good practice for you, and he enjoys the game. His lowest offers are always reasonable, but he expects to negotiate. He does not expect his lowest offer to be the accepted offer. Being an intern is not another word for consent to be abused, although you’ll find he can be a bastard at times. Establish your limits, and you’ll find they’ll be respected. The first few weeks I worked with him, I walked like there was broken glass on the floor, and I thought I’d die the first time I asked for a day off. My advice? Take your sick days. Lucifer is nosy, and if he realizes you’re working while sick, he will flip. It’s hilarious, so do it just once to test him or put him back in his place. I’ve gotten ill twice since working with him, and the first time, I assumed I was not sick enough to take time off. I was corrected. The second time, my fiancé made me stay home so he wouldn’t get in trouble with Lucifer. Amusingly enough, Lucifer panicked more the second time. How dare I get sick without his permission?”

  “Should I be concerned?”

  “Only if you get sick often. Considering what the meter is saying about your immune system, you will for the first while. You need all of your vaccinations redone. In good news, your immune system is functioning, but your white cell count is abysmally low. Hopefully, the blood donation will help with that. The lycanthropy virus is usually smart enough to work with the immune system rather than against it.” Diana tapped on the meter, and after a few minutes, she reported, “The meter has identified the fault responsible for your cancer development, so I’ll send that test result to your doctors, and I expect Lucifer will address that fault personally. He can do genetic manipulations like that when he wants, and this fault will essentially put you at high risk of the cancer coming back. The lycanthropy virus will try to kill the cancer as it shows up, but you’ll end up with lower virus levels as a result, which can have long-term consequences.”

  “You’re really knowledgeable about stuff like this.” I eyed the meter. “Can you teach me how to use that thing, too?”

  “Absolutely. You might need to be able to use one if I’m not around. Do yourself a favor: demand one as part of your internship package. Lucifer is a pain in the ass, especially when he’s trying to pretend like he is okay with being separated from his wife and daughter. He’s really not, and he gets grouchy. He tries to hide it, but as you get to know him, you’ll realize half the reason he goads his wife on is because he needs the attention just as much as she does, and if she’s hungry, he can hide behind the shield of feeding her.”

  Only an idiot would be blind to how much Lucifer enjoyed his time with his daughter, even when they were making a mess of a court hearing. “Why me?”

  Diana glanced up from her meter to regard me with a frown. “Why not you?”

  That was a different approach, one I’d never had to answer before. “Well, the cancer is fairly problematic. The last I checked, it could be months before my immune system recovers. I’ll be getting sick often until then.”

  “Two weeks at worst, but that’ll be because Lucifer will step in once the hospital has the research data needed for your treatment. They won’t be able to follow your progress long-term, but the work he’ll do with you can be acquired for a pittance from an angel, which the hospitals will hire to give cancer patients the best chances following extensive but successful chemotherapy. The angels don’t take every case, of course, but they’ll step up when they feel someone has gotten the short lot in life. You have gotten the short lot in life, so Lucifer is riled up. To him, we’re just babies, and we should be enjoying our childhoods still. And yes, he is a bastard, and if he doesn’t think you’re having enough fun, he will give you toys. The less fun he thinks you’re having, the more absurd the toys become. Last week, he gave my fiancé building blocks with letters on them and a hint he needed to go back to the basics on what it means to have fun.”

  I raised a brow at that. “I’m accepting gifts of LEGO to be delivered at least once a week, and the more complicated the set, the happier I’ll be.”

  “He has rules for those.”

  “What? There are no rules with LEGO!”

  “You have to play with your sets. He will bring children over if he does not think you’re playing appropriately.”

  “What’s the point of building a set if you don’t play with them?”

  Diana shrugged. “I haven’t figured that part out myself, but those are the rules.”

  “Some rules do not bother me. Those rules do not bother me.”

  “Then you’ll fit right in. There is the matter of Lucifer’s schedule.”

  “Hit me with it.”

  Diana set her meter aside long enough to fetch a thick envelope filled with papers, which she handed to me. Inside, I found a printed copy of the Devil’s schedule, which accounted for every minute of his day for two weeks. To my amusement, feeding Darlene was scheduled in most days of the week, and the days she wasn’t scheduled in, there were notes that Lucifer wanted to rile her up and she was to be distracted when she’d normally be fed. Distractions included bringing over the children of their various nieces and nephews, arranging tea with Him in the high heavens, and scheduling meetings she needed to attend but Lucifer did not. To my surprise, Lucifer rarely spent more than an hour or two of each day working with the fucking assholes. “Fucking assholes?”

  “The souls in need of an alignment change. Right now, his schedule in the dungeons is light at His request; Lucifer’s been a little crabby lately, mainly because of the current workload.”

  I waved the papers. “According to this, the only time he sleeps is if he happens to have successfully tended to his wife’s every need and she’s napping. That can’t be healthy, can it?”

  Diana laughed. “He has all of the powers and abilities of an incubus, so he recharges when he’s feeding his wife. The better a time he gives her, the better he feeds. He can also sustain himself on regular food, but that tends to make him grouchy. Sleep isn’t something he technically needs much of, but he usu
ally gets an hour or two a night. Darlene latches onto him after she’s fed, and he hates disturbing his sleeping kitten. After about two hours, she’ll roll over him, wake him up in the process, and he has a chance to escape. We find ways to be flexible with the schedule if she doesn’t let him go. It depends on her hunger levels. Having seen other incubi and succubi, someone meddled with Darlene and gave her a rather restricted diet consisting only of Lucifer. Regular food is something she enjoys, but it doesn’t sustain her much. I suspect He is the culprit. He made her seed and cultivated her from the very beginning, and Lucifer tends to be voracious—and needs to be able to pamper and nurture someone. For all he’s the Devil, a surprising amount of his angelic tendencies survived his fall.”

  Goodness. “She just eats for show, then?”

  “She eats because she likes it, but essentially, that’s correct. Most succubi don’t have her issues. They can go decades without sexual energy, but it leaves them in poor health. We don’t know what would happen to Darlene, and we don’t want to find out, thus the schedule. She’s held out from feeding for a month or two at a time, but let’s say Lucifer had his hands full once she caught him. And before you get upset, that was a situation of her own making, so don’t feel sorry for her. I’ve been told I will mind my own business if she tries another stunt like that, too.”

  I reviewed the Devil’s schedule again. “On the average day, how much of this list actually gets done?”

  “With your contributions, we’re hoping we can get almost everything handled. To begin with, you’ll be accompanying him to all of his meetings, taking notes, and tracking any oddities you locate during his conversations in the contracts, and so on.” Diana gestured to the briefcase. “I have a list of oddities we’ve already identified, but we’re hoping another pair of eyes will be able to catch more.”

  I wondered what constituted as an oddity, although I could make a few guesses on what was needed of me in contract form. “Oddities as in someone attempting to mask illegal activities? I had an entire class dedicated to how companies attempt to use loopholes to bypass the law.”