Into Exile

by Joan Lingard

  She put out his meal, sat opposite him in silence whilst he ate. His eyes were far away. He was thinking about radio engineering. He seldom seemed to think of anything else these days. He went three evenings a week to classes, and on the others often played darts in the pub.

  ‘Thanks, love,’ he said, getting up quickly. ‘I’ll see you after. Oh, by the way, there’s a letter from Brede on the mantelpiece. Our mother’s doing rightly.’

  After he had gone Sadie took Brede’s letter from the mantelpiece and read it. Mrs McCoy had had a hysterectomy but the operation was successful. It was just as well she would have no more children, wrote Brede, for nine was enough for any woman. You’re right, Brede, thought Sadie, except that nine was too many. Kevin had said he would not expect her to have a big family like that. The world couldn’t take it any longer, as well as the women. Brede was still working as a nursery nurse. She was worried about the children, for even the little ones were being brainwashed into violence by the life around them. A day didn’t pass without an explosion, a shooting, an injury or a death. ‘You are lucky,’ wrote Brede, ‘to be away from it all.’

  Brede’s letter made Sadie feel homesick. She sat at the table and wrote to her brother Tommy. She wrote a funny letter that would make Tommy laugh. He’d shake his head and say, ‘Sadie Jackson, you’re a real terror yet!’ She told him about Miss Cullen, and Mrs Kyrakis, and their fellow lodgers, making life in the shop and the house sound like a riot of fun and laughter. And she told him about Kevin’s new job, but not that it took Kevin out so many nights a week. She finished the letter, put it in an envelope, addressed and stamped it. It lay on the table staring up at her. Mr Thomas Jackson. There was a lump in her throat. ‘Silly ould fool that you are,’ she said aloud to herself. She got up, put on her coat and went out to post it.

  On the way back she called at Lara’s. Krishna, Lara’s husband, opened the door. He stood with his hand on the edge of it, holding it firm, as if he was ready to close it against intruders.

  ‘Yes?’ he asked, his face expressionless.

  ‘I was wondering if Lara was in,’ faltered Sadie, thinking how stupid it sounded.

  ‘Yes, she is in. She is busy with the baby.’

  ‘I see.’ Sadie backed away, stumbling over a piece of torn linoleum. ‘It’s all right, it wasn’t important. I just wanted to ask her something. I’ll see her tomorrow.’

  Back in her room, Sadie saw that it was still only eight o’clock. It did not seem possible. She washed the few dirty plates, peeled the potatoes for the following night and listened to music on Radio One. She could not sit still. She went out into the passage of the house and listened, jumping guiltily when anyone opened a door. The woman with the felt slippers shuffled along the passage and Sadie delayed her for a few minutes in conversation. They talked about the woman’s cats.

  ‘I’ve three black and two white,’ said the woman.

  ‘Five cats?’ Sadie’s eyes were round.

  She was taken into the woman’s room to see them. The smell made Sadie blench as soon as the door was opened. The cats reclined arrogantly on cushions and chairs, yawning superciliously, stretching their paws. Saucers of half-eaten food lay around the floor.

  ‘Nothing like cats,’ said the woman. ‘Better than people.’

  Maybe she should get herself a cat, thought Sadie as she returned to their room. At least it would be something alive in the room beside herself, something to stroke and talk to. She suggested it to Kevin when he came in.

  ‘A cat?’ he said. ‘Don’t talk daft. We’ve enough on our plates as it is.’ His face was flushed with fresh air and excitement. ‘The class is really great, Sadie.’ He rubbed his hands together. ‘Boys, I’m starving. Have you anything for us?’

  ‘I’ll see,’ she said coolly, but he was too elated by his evening class to notice.

  ‘Kevin, I’ll go nuts if I sit in this room much more. London’s a dead awful place.’ She added vehemently, ‘I can hardly wait to leave it.’

  His face dropped. ‘Sure I’m sorry to hear you say that. I’m just beginning to enjoy myself.’

  CHAPTER NINE

  Kevin had gone to the pub to play in a darts match and Sadie had just sat down to see if she could remember how to knit, when the priest called. She looked up, puzzled by the knock on the door, and put aside the knitting thankfully.

  She opened the door. Never before had she stood face to face with one as she did now, looking into his eyes, and he looking back into hers as if butter wouldn’t melt in his mouth!

  ‘Does Kevin McCoy live here?’ he asked, twirling his black hat round in his hand.

  ‘He does,’ she said. ‘But he’s not in.’ She moved the door towards him but he had his foot well placed, just an inch of his toe over the threshold, but it was enough. Her ma had said often enough that priests tried to infiltrate themselves by all sorts of methods.

  ‘Will he be back soon?’ he asked.

  ‘Not for hours. I could give him a message.’

  ‘Oh, there’s no message. I was just paying him a visit since he’s in my parish. Perhaps I could come in and have a word with you myself? My name’s Father Mulcahy. You must be Mrs McCoy?’

  ‘Yes, but –’

  And then he was in the room. She did not know afterwards if she opened the door or he pushed it, but the next thing she knew, there they were sitting at either side of the fire looking at one another.

  ‘You’re young to be married.’ He smiled at her.

  ‘I’m seventeen,’ she said, not smiling back. She picked up her knitting and held it on her lap.

  ‘That’s young. You’re just a child. What’s your name? I can’t call you Mrs McCoy.’

  ‘Sadie.’ She did not know why she told him. Inside her head she was holding another conversation entirely with him. It’s none of your business what my name is and you can just go away right now for I’m not wanting to consort with a priest of Rome. Me da would take a fit if he could see me sitting here as meek as mild …

  ‘How are you liking London?’

  ‘I’m not.’

  ‘Yes, it’s a big place and takes a lot of getting used to. You won’t know many people?’ She shrugged and he added, ‘if you were to come along to the church –’

  ‘I’m a Protestant,’ she said, lifting her chin defiantly and looking him straight in the eye for the first time.

  ‘Oh, I see.’

  ‘What’s wrong with that?’ she demanded.

  ‘Nothing, nothing at all. Did I say that there was?’

  ‘You looked at me very funny like.’

  ‘That was just because I was surprised. Kevin hadn’t told me he was married to a Protestant, that was all.’ He leaned back against the chair as if he was settling in for the evening. He folded his hands in front of his stomach. ‘But it’s interesting, very interesting. It can’t have been very easy for you in the North of Ireland.’

  ‘’Deed it wasn’t. Neither my family nor Kevin’s was for us at all.’

  ‘Under the circumstances …’ He spread out his hands. ‘Who could blame them? Did they consent to your marriage?’

  ‘We were married at Gretna,’ she said.

  ‘Ah!’ Now he fitted his fingers together to make a steeple. ‘So you married in a registry office? You realize then that in the eyes of the church you’re not married at all?’

  ‘Your church. Not mine.’

  ‘But Kevin’s.’

  ‘Why are you always trying to get your hands on people?’

  He laughed. ‘You’ve got that wrong, you know, Sadie. Oh yes, we like to make converts, but what religion doesn’t? If you believe in something strongly then you want to let others share it too.’

  ‘Now look here,’ said Sadie, warming to the argument, ‘the church in Rome is after power …’

  They talked all evening, or argued, as Sadie later described it to Kevin. In the midst of it she got up and made tea but did not stop talking. They were drinking tea when Kevin returned.
He stood in the doorway astonished. Sadie’s face was flushed and her eyes sparkled.

  ‘Evening, Kevin,’ said Father Mulcahy. ‘Nice to see you, boy. I’ve been having a most enjoyable conversation with Sadie here. She’s a great talker.’

  ‘I know,’ said Kevin, his eyes still on Sadie’s face. ‘But what have you been talking about?’

  ‘The Roman church,’ said Sadie. ‘The supremacy of the pope. Things like that.’

  ‘Well!’ Kevin sat on a stool between them, rested his hands on his knees.

  ‘It’s done me good, Kevin, arguing with Sadie,’ said Father Mulcahy. ‘You need to sharpen your wits from time to time and question your beliefs.’

  ‘I don’t suppose you’ve budged an inch, have you?’ said Sadie.

  ‘No,’ he said. ‘Have you?’

  ‘No.’ She laughed.

  Father Mulcahy stood up. ‘I’ll need to be getting along. I dropped in for ten minutes and stayed two hours. Hope I didn’t keep you back, Sadie.’

  ‘Sure I enjoyed the company,’ she said.

  Kevin looked at her wonderingly.

  ‘By the way, Kevin,’ said Father Mulcahy, ‘we discussed the business of you getting married in church.’

  ‘You did?’

  ‘Sadie has agreed and we have fixed the date for a week on Saturday.’

  ‘Sadie agreed?’ Kevin stood up too.

  ‘I decided I might as well be generous,’ said Sadie loftily. ‘After all, as Father Mulcahy pointed out to me, there’s nothing for me to be afraid of so I can afford to be.’

  Drizzling sleet was falling a week on Saturday. It disappeared as soon as it hit the grey pavement but it was cold when it slid down their necks and faces. They hurried through it with their collars pulled high.

  ‘Happy’s the bride the sun shines on,’ said Sadie, as they reached the shelter of the church porch.

  ‘We don’t need sun.’

  ‘Oh no?’

  He took her hand and led her inside. The auditorium was chilly and deserted except for one woman who prayed in a pew with bowed head. Candles flickered in front of the altar. Sadie’s eyes scanned the walls passing over statues of Jesus and the Virgin Mary and other saints unknown to her. There was a pervasive, slightly sweetish smell. She tried to suppress a giggle at the back of her throat but it came out causing a small ripple in the silence. Kevin’s hand tightened over hers. She did not look up at him.

  They came to the top of the aisle. Kevin paused in front of the high altar, genuflected and crossed himself. It made her feel uneasy watching him. She bent her head and wished she had never come. They were married after all.

  Father Mulcahy came through a doorway to meet them, his black skirts swishing round his heels. A candle on the altar guttered and died.

  The priest led them into a side chapel where two witnesses waited, a man and a woman, whose names they never knew. Sadie and Kevin stood in front of Father Mulcahy. Sadie wiped the damp palms of her hands down the sides of her coat. It, too, was wet from the sleet. There’s nothing to be afraid of, she told herself, but she could not seem to stop the feeling inside her, of uneasiness and revulsion and expectation that something bad would come of all this. The priest had his eyes on her; he was speaking, he was marrying them, and she was not even listening. A jingle came into her head, one that they used to sing in the street.

  If I’d a penny,

  Do you know what I’d do?

  I’d buy a rope

  And hang the pope

  And let King Billy through.

  She trembled, suppressing a giggle, and put her hand to her mouth. She coughed.

  The priest was looking at her, asking her if she would have this man for her lawful wedded husband. She said that she would for that at least she was sure of. He was her husband already. She did not hear any of the other words. She made no promises about the church. She was vaguely aware that Kevin must be, he was muttering in her ear. And then he was slipping the ring back on to her finger. She had taken it off before they came out and gave it to him. ‘What a carry on!’ she had said, shaking her head.

  Father Mulcahy was crossing himself now, as were Kevin and the two witnesses. Sadie stood straight, her eyes on the balding head of the priest.

  ‘May I congratulate you?’ said Father Mulcahy, offering them his hand. ‘And wish you all the best in your life together.’

  They followed him out of the chapel into a vestry to sign the register.

  ‘Not so bad, was it, Sadie?’ he asked.

  ‘No.’ Kevin’s hand found hers again. She had pleased him by going through with it; he let her know by the pressure of his fingers.

  ‘She was feeling a bit strange, I think, Father,’ said Kevin.

  ‘I daresay. It takes a long time to get rid of fears you grow up with. They go deep.’

  ‘I wasn’t afraid,’ said Sadie indignantly.

  ‘Good.’ Father Mulcahy smiled and lifted the register. ‘Now then, if you’ll sign here …’

  The sleet was still falling as they came out of the church. They stood in the porch watching it drive down on the street, closing it in, making the rest of the world seem remote.

  ‘Grotty day.’ Sadie shivered. ‘Don’t feel like going home all that much.’

  ‘We’re not going to,’ said Kevin. ‘I’m taking you out. We’re going up to the West End. We’re going to have a meal and go to the pictures.’

  ‘Isn’t that a grand idea?’ she cried, her eyes lighting up.

  ‘Sure, isn’t it our wedding day, Mrs McCoy?’ he said.

  CHAPTER TEN

  Their meal out cost so much that they had to live on tinned beans and bread and jam until pay day came round again.

  ‘But it was worth it,’ Sadie told Lara on Wednesday afternoon. Lara came in every Wednesday though she had never asked Sadie to her house in return. They were on their hands and knees on the floor cutting a skirt out of a remnant Sadie had bought in the shop. ‘We hardly ever go out so it was a real treat. Do you go out often with your husband?’ Sadie found it difficult to refer to him as Krishna since Lara did not do it herself.

  Lara shook her head. ‘No, very seldom.’ She lifted the scissors. ‘Shall I begin to cut?’ she asked.

  ‘Please.’ Sadie caught hold of the baby who would have liked the flashing silver scissors for himself. Lara cut carefully. She seldom told Sadie anything of her life. She talked sometimes of her family in India but never of Krishna or her life with him. She came in every Wednesday for an hour or so and returned home well before Krishna would come along the street carrying his newspaper under his arm. Sadie smiled at him and said, ‘Hello’ and then he nodded, but nothing more.

  ‘There,’ said Lara, folding up the pieces. ‘That didn’t take long. You can sew it this evening.’

  Sadie nodded. ‘Kevin’s got his evening class. I’m sick fed up with him going out so much.’

  ‘You want him to advance in his career, don’t you?’

  ‘Oh yes of course.’

  ‘Then you must make sacrifices too.’

  ‘Trouble is I’m not very good at sacrifices.’ Sadie made a rueful face at herself. ‘I think you’d be better at that than me, Lara.’ Lara smiled. ‘I suppose you were brought up to be docile, you know, with men,’ Sadie went on. ‘I used to fight my brother, wouldn’t let him tell me what to do.’

  ‘It’s not just a case of being docile,’ said Lara. ‘Sometimes it is not worth fighting. One has to save one’s energy.’

  ‘Well, I dunno. Maybe I’d be better if I’d been brought up with some of that wisdom of the East business too.’

  Lara burst out laughing. ‘Sadie, you are funny at times.’

  ‘Glad I amuse you,’ said Sadie good-naturedly. She filled the kettle to make coffee. ‘I like having you coming in here every Wednesday, Lara. You’re the only friend I’ve got.’

  Lara hesitated. ‘Sadie, I’m sorry I can’t ask you to come and visit me. I hope you don’t mind.’

  ‘Cou
rse not,’ said Sadie, though she did. She spooned coffee into the cups.

  ‘It’s Krishna –’ Lara bit her lip.

  ‘Doesn’t he like me?’

  ‘It’s not that.’

  ‘Is it because I’m white?’

  ‘Oh no! It is just that he is very private. He does not like strangers.’

  ‘But how can strangers ever become friends if you don’t give them a chance in the first place?’

  ‘I know.’ Lara sighed. ‘But you cannot force people. I am sorry.’

  ‘That’s all right. Don’t worry about it.’ Sadie gave Lara her coffee. ‘You can always come here.’

  Sadie noticed Lara taking a quick glance at her watch under her sari. Today they were later than usual having their coffee.

  ‘Are you lonely in the evenings when your husband is out?’ asked Lara. ‘Why don’t you go to an evening class yourself?’

  ‘I might,’ said Sadie without enthusiasm, ‘if I’d someone to go with. What about you, Lara? Would you come with me? Hey, what about woodwork or something like that? Then we could show them. I’ve always liked banging in nails.’

  ‘I’m afraid I could not. There is the baby.’

  ‘Your husband could baby-sit.’

  ‘I don’t think so.’ Lara put down her cup. ‘I must go now, Sadie. See you next week.’

  Next week was a long time. Seven days lay between. Weekends were good for then she and Kevin were together but the other evenings were stretches of time to be filled and she had never seen time in that way before.

  ‘Lara’s husband doesn’t like strangers,’ Sadie told Kevin at tea-time. ‘And he’s living surrounded by ten million. Not very friendly I call it.’

  ‘Perhaps he’s afraid,’ suggested Kevin.

  ‘Afraid? I never thought of that. In that case I’ll go on smiling at him and saying good morning.’ Sadie fiddled with the ends of her hair. ‘I’ll not be home at tea-time tomorrow, Kevin.’

  That made him look up. ‘Not be home?’

  ‘I’m going out with the girls from work. You know they’ve been asking me for ages.’

  ‘Oh.’

  ‘I’ll leave you something for your tea.’