Love Like Hallelujah

by Lutishia Lovely

  Derrick and Vivian looked up at the same time to see a well-dressed couple walking toward them. Hans looked distinguished, his salt and pepper hair newly cut, sporting a casual jacket and khaki pants. Tootie was dressed casually as well; navy slacks with a paisley printed blouse and sandals. Her hair was pulled back in a ponytail. She wore little makeup.

  Derrick and Vivian stood as they approached. Both couples were nervous, unsure of each other. Both Hans and Derrick held out their hands at the same time.

  “Hi. Derrick Montgomery.”

  “Good to meet you. Hans Petersen.”

  Derrick nodded at Tootie. “Tootie.”

  Tootie’s mouth turned up in a slight smile. “I haven’t been Tootie in over fifteen years. I really prefer Janeé.”

  “Alright, Janeé, good to see you’re looking well after all these years.”

  “Father Time and I are fighting, but I’m holding my own.”

  Vivian held out her hand. “Janeé, I’m Vivian.”

  There was a look of sincerity in Janeé’s eyes as she responded, “It is nice to meet you.”

  The civil formality helped to relax both couples. They stood awkwardly for a moment, as if both were unsure what to do next. This was the first time Vivian had seen Janeé, but since she’d lived through so much of her past through Tai, it was as if she knew her. Something was moved inside Vivian’s heart as she observed Janeé fidgeting unconsciously with the strap of her purse, trying to look calm in what had to be an extremely uncomfortable situation, for her most of all. Vivian had expected to feel anger, coolness, chagrin, judgment. Instead she felt compassion, and that surprised her.

  Janeé tried to look at Derrick without staring. Like King, he’d aged nicely. He still looked good. But unlike what had happened when she saw King, her heart didn’t flutter at the sight of him. Yes, he was attractive. But there were no feelings of longing or vivid memories of shared intimacies.

  “Well.” Hans broke the awkward silence. “Should we get some coffee? Or do we want to find a spot in the lounge?”

  “There’s a nice patio where we can have a bit of privacy,” Vivian answered. “Maybe we’ll order tea from out there?”

  “Sounds perfect,” Hans answered as Vivian and Derrick led the way.

  Once seated, their drinks ordered, Janeé followed Hans’s advice. He’d suggested to his wife that the best place to start with this saga was at the beginning. Somehow, since Vivian was basically a stranger, it didn’t feel hard to do.

  Janeé began without preamble. “When I found out I was pregnant, I didn’t know what to do. I was as confused as a woman could be about anything in her life. I’d been screwing half the town, seeing a married man, doing drugs, drinking. I didn’t know who the baby’s daddy was, and quite honestly at that time, I didn’t care.

  “I knew Mom would be devastated, her ‘good Christian daughter’ having a baby out of wedlock. Even though I was grown, I still felt a responsibility to Mom’s reputation. You know how active she’s been in the church all these years, and you know how folk talk. Hell, they’d been talking about me for years anyway. I could lie about all the screwing, deny it all. And that’s what I did. But it’s not as easy to deny a baby.

  “So I ran away. This dude and I went to Los Angeles. I was going to have an abortion but then he said he’d help me raise it. And as much as I detested all the dogma I endured, being forced to go to church as a child, something inside felt better about having the baby than not. So I agreed to keep it.

  “The man left me when I was eight months pregnant. Just didn’t come home one night. It wasn’t until the next morning I noticed his stuff was gone. No note, no phone call, no letter, nothing. Just left. And there I was in LA, broke, pregnant, and alone.

  “So I hooked up with another guy, this older man, who let me stay with him until I had the baby. But he started trippin’, getting violent, shortly after Kelvin was born. After a couple of knocks upside the head, I knew I had to go. That’s when I auditioned for and got a part in the European tour of Dream-girls. Without thinking of how I’d take care of myself, much less my baby, I caught a plane to Germany.

  “For the first couple months, I didn’t know who Kelvin’s daddy was. He looked more like me at first. I really wanted it to be King’s.” Janeé, who’d either been looking down at her hands or away from the table during her historical account, glanced briefly at Vivian. “I’m not proud of what I did, but I was in love with King. And when you’re in love, sometimes you do stupid things. But after a few months I realized it wasn’t King’s baby, it was Derrick’s.”

  Janeé looked at Derrick. “I called Mom for your number then, Derrick. I was going to tell you that you had a child. But when I called home, Mom told me you’d just gotten married. And I was right back where I was with King, getting ready to chase a married man. And I just couldn’t do that anymore. I had grown up, and I realized just how uncool it had been to be with King after he got married. That’s when I made the decision to raise Kelvin alone and never tell him or you the truth. After I met Hans, and he adopted Kelvin, I thought I was home free.

  “At the time, I did what I had to, to survive. But now I know it wasn’t the best decision, trying to bury the truth.” Janeé looked at Derrick, her eyes filled with tears. Hans grabbed her hand.

  “Kelvin’s been asking about you,” Janeé said. “He wants to know his real father.”

  She stopped then, unable to go on. A weight of sixteen years had been lifted off her conscience. The relief moved her to tears.

  The rest of the table sat quietly, letting Janeé’s story sink in. They all could see the picture she’d painted: a young woman, scared, confused, unsure of what to do, thinking that if the situation was hidden it would go away. Vivian remembered the joy she’d felt at the birth of Derrick Jr., married to the love of her life, her parents and Derrick by her side. How different it had been for Janeé. Suddenly, the woman she’d despised for the pain she’d caused Tai became human, and in the end, more like her and Tai than not. A woman who’d done the best she could at the time.

  “There’s not an act outside of God’s forgiveness,” Derrick said, speaking Vivian’s thoughts. “He’s forgiven you, now you have to forgive yourself.”

  Janeé looked up but said nothing, as tears flowed anew.

  Vivian took her hand. “We’ve all done things we’re not proud of, Janeé. But when we know better, we do better. My mother always said that anything dark looks better with a little light shined on it. Well, now you’ve told the truth, and the truth is the light. I think things are looking a little better for you already.”

  Janeé smiled and blew her nose. Vivian was right. She did feel better, lighter, freer than she’d felt in over fifteen years. But she knew she wasn’t finished. Things wouldn’t be totally right until she’d apologized and received forgiveness from another woman, a woman she’d wronged for years. But things hadn’t gone so well when they met. Feelings hardened through years of deceit, denial, and unforgiveness had erupted amid Janeé’s lack of total honesty when Tai had asked about Kelvin. It felt good to make things right with Derrick about his son; she wanted to make things right with Tai as well.

  “Do you think Tai would talk to me?” she asked Vivian. “I’ve really treated her unfairly. It was wrong of me. And I want, need, her forgiveness, too.”

  Vivian pulled out her cell phone. “Only one way to find out.” She dialed Tai’s number. “Hey, girl.”

  “Hey, Viv, how are you? Have you talked to Tootie yet?”

  “We’re talking right now. In fact, Janeé asked me if you would speak to her, says she has some things to say that she should have said before. Can you talk to her? Do you have a minute?”

  Tai didn’t know whether she was more incredulous or pissed. Had Vivian lost her damn mind? “What does she need to say to me?” she asked defensively.

  Vivian understood her friend’s reaction. But she also understood that God was at work here. It was time for healing.


  “She wants to ask your forgiveness, Tai. She knows that she has treated you badly, and it wasn’t right. She wants to apologize and ask you to forgive her for these sins against you.”

  “Well, hell, now that you put it like that…I guess I would come off like the wicked witch not to talk to her ass. Put her on.”

  Vivian hid a smile. Just like God to use what looked like a negative situation to work his perfect will. All things really did work together for good for those who loved the Lord. Work it, Jesus. She handed the phone to Janeé, who got up and walked to the edge of the patio that looked out over the ocean.

  “Thank you, Tai, for taking my call. It would be understandable if you didn’t.” Janeé took a deep breath. “Tai, I’m sorry, for everything. I’m sorry for all the pain I’ve caused you, for the affair with King, for being uncooperative during our meeting, and not telling the whole truth when you asked about Kelvin. I’ve been jealous of you for so long, hated you for so long, for getting what I thought was mine, for marrying the man who wouldn’t marry me, even though I begged him to.

  “I am truly sorry. And I hope that someday you can find it in your heart to forgive me.”

  Both women were silent, both wiping away tears. Until now, Tai hadn’t realized how heavy hate was. But now, her animosity for Janeé was lifting, through the power of forgiveness, and she recognized her feelings toward Janeé for what they were—a burden.

  “It’s amazing what we women do to each other,” Tai said, after a long silence. “And I never thought the day would come when I’d say these words but…I forgive you, Tootie, I mean Janeé.” The presence of God, like a gentle, summer breeze, caused chill bumps on the arms of both women. “I really mean it, too. It’s crazy, but I really mean it. I forgive you.”

  “Thanks, Tai,” Janeé whispered. She wiped her eyes and tried to recompose herself. “I really need to get back to the table now. We’ve still got a lot to work out.”

  “I’ll be praying for you.”

  Janeé smiled as she hung up the phone. Her mother told her she’d been praying for a positive outcome to this situation for fifteen years. Without a doubt, Janeé knew that God answered prayer.

  When she walked back to the table, Hans was regaling Derrick and Vivian with stories of growing up in post–World War II Germany. Even though the war had been over for years by the time he was born, its effects were felt for decades afterward. It shaped the staunch, hardworking, no-nonsense persona for which Germans were known. It was partly true, but not all. As they were seeing, Germans could be kind, lovable, generous, and funny. Janeé loved Hans more with each passing day.

  She sat down and noticed pictures of her two younger children on the table. “Oh, so proud Papa has shown you Daniella and Sophie?”

  “And rightly so,” Vivian answered. “They’re beautiful children.”

  “So,” Derrick said, steering back to the reason they were there. “What’s next? How do we handle this situation?”

  “Well,” Janeé said. “Hans and I are on our way to visit Kelvin tomorrow. What we tell him depends largely on what you guys want to do. Yes, he has a right to know who his father is, but you guys also have the right to not have your lives disrupted because of my mistake.”

  “God doesn’t make mistakes,” Vivian interjected. “The circumstances may have been unsatisfactory and in poor judgment, but Kelvin was born because he was supposed to be here.”

  “Thank you,” Janeé said simply. Vivian’s comments were a sign that maybe Derrick would accept his son.

  Vivian looked at Derrick. She knew there was a part of him that wanted to know Kelvin. She was sure Janeé wanted them to know each other. She knew that the best way to deal with the situation was open, up front, and above board. Sooner or later, everyone would know about Kelvin. Heads would turn and tongues would wag, but the fact of it was, Derrick had another son. And his name was Kelvin. The chips would have to fall where they landed.

  “What do you think?” Vivian asked, looking at Derrick.

  “I say let the boy decide. If he wants to meet me, I’m open to doing that. We’ll welcome him into our home, and into our life. If he wants to keep a distance, that’s fine, too. He’s probably been through enough turmoil within himself about this. We’ll do whatever works best for the boy.”

  Once again, Janeé’s eyes filled with tears. She reached for a napkin. “I’m sorry, I just can’t stop crying. I was afraid to even dream the ending could look like this. And here you guys are, so understanding, so kind….”

  “It’s not us, darlin’,” Vivian said truthfully. “It’s the Lord. In my own flesh, I might have another reaction. In fact, I most definitely would be thinking about a beat down. But when I love you with the love of Christ, unconditionally, the way God loves me? It feels like this. This is what God’s love feels like.”

  Janeé sniffled, looked into the distance. “Maybe it’s time for me to get to know God again.” She laughed sarcastically. “He probably doesn’t even remember who I am.”

  Vivian grabbed Janeé’s hand, looked her straight in the eye. “You’re His precious daughter. How could He forget you? He loves you, and has had you in His arms this whole time.”

  Unbidden, a childhood song Janeé’s mother used to sing rose up in her mind. “…little ones to Him belong. They are weak, but He is strong. Yes, Jesus loves me. Yes, Jesus loves me. Yes, Jesus loves me. The Bible tells me so….”

  39

  A Father’s Pride

  “It doesn’t matter that you’re on the pill,” Hope said in an aggravated tone. “You still need to be using protection. How long have you known the guy, not even six months? Do you know he’s being monogamous? Do you know anything about his past sexual partners, his sexual history?”

  “Ah, girl, who wants plastic in the pussy? Ain’t nobody gonna get AIDS. Lighten yo’ ass up!”

  “Everyone who has AIDS probably thought that very thing. I’m serious, Frieda—”

  “And I am, too. Look, we both got tested. Satisfied?”

  “You both took an AIDS test?”

  “That’s right, went down to the clinic together. He doesn’t like wearing a condom any more than I like feeling one. So we went and got tested and that’s that.”

  “Well, and I don’t mean to put thoughts in your head, but what’s to say he won’t get busy with someone else?”

  “What’s to say Cy won’t?”

  “We’re married; there’s a difference.”

  “Is it? Because there’s about a million cheatin’ husbands out there who’ll prove yo’ ass wrong.”

  Hope resisted the urge to get even more aggravated than she already was. Frieda had never listened to her. I don’t know what led me to believe she’d listen now. Besides, Frieda was right. Married men did cheat.

  “Whatever, cuz, just be careful.”

  “I always am. Gorgio’s dick’s too good for me to mess it up.”

  “I didn’t mean like that,” Hope said, rolling her eyes.

  “I know, but I did,” Frieda said, laughing. “What about you and Cy? You’re giving him head, right?” Frieda asked this as nonchalantly as commenting on the weather.

  “Frieda Lemay Jackson, no you didn’t!” Hope exclaimed.

  “I’ll take that as a yes,” Frieda replied calmly.

  Hope’s big smile could not be hidden. And it didn’t go unnoticed by her curious cousin, who added, “Oh, and he’s giving it pretty good, too. That’s good, that’s good. That’ll keep a man around.”

  “I’m not even going to talk with you about this, Frieda,” Hope said with feigned indignation. “Some things should remain in the bedroom.”

  “Not really. It’s much better when it’s done in the kitchen, on the dining room table, and if you can sneak and get it on the balcony under a full moon….”

  “Frieda, shut up!”

  “You’re getting wet, huh?”

  “You are a trip.”

  “But that’s why you love me. I keep it real.” />
  Hope shook her head, while silently contemplating balconies, full moons, and Cy’s holiday surprise.

  Derrick and Cy headed back to the church in Cy’s Azure. They’d just left the restaurant where Derrick had shared the news with Cy, the first person in his ministry to hear about Kelvin. Derrick wanted to see Cy’s reaction and get his opinion. His reaction was subdued and opinion straightforward, both as Derrick had expected.

  “It was something that happened a long time ago, that you knew nothing about,” Cy said. “You have nothing to be ashamed of. I’d take the wind out of any would-be gossiper’s sails by putting the information out there myself. Invite him to church, make a grand introduction, and use it as a teaching tool, both as to the value of safe sex and how God can turn what looks like mistakes into blessings.”

  Derrick liked what Cy had to say, but admitted saying it and doing it were two different things. He and Vivian hadn’t met Kelvin yet, or told the children about him. Hans and Janeé had phoned from Germany, shortly after their visit with Kelvin. They’d told Kelvin what happened, that his father knew about him and was prepared to meet him whenever Kelvin was ready. Kelvin had told his mother he had to think about it. He was frightened that the reality would not equal the dream—his dream of a wonderful biological dad. In truth, Derrick would surpass his dream.

  “When the time comes, we’ll handle it as gracefully as possible. I don’t plan to try and hide him, that’s for sure. And I don’t plan on flaunting him, either. I’ve prayed about it and released it to God. When the time comes, I trust I’ll know what to do.”

  “And so you will, my brother.”

  “What about you?” Derrick said. “When are we going to be seeing a Cy Jr.?”

  “Funny you should ask.” Cy smiled. “We’re working on that now.”

  “Oh, I suspect you’ve been working on something or other since the wedding night. Am I right?”