Holy Socks and Dirtier Demons (v1.1) (clean fmt)

by J. A. Kazimer

  She laughed. “Now that you know, what do you plan to do?”

  I had no clue. One thing was for sure though; I wasn’t going to let the kid, or me die for anyone’s sins. Original or extra crispy ones. If He wanted to stay the leader of Heaven, He had sure as hell better find another way.

  “Did you know?” I lifted her chin, my eyes searching her beautiful face. “Was that why you helped me? Why you’re here now?”

  The corner of her mouth twitched. “I knew.”

  “And?”

  “And what?” Her grin grew.

  “Damn it, Lilith.”

  “Damn it, Jace.” She winked at me.

  Unable to take it anymore, I twisted my hands in her hair, and kissed her, a kiss of total possession. Our mouths locked, hands and fantasies roaming uncontrolled. Clothing disappeared. Naked, belly swollen with child, Lilith had never been more beautiful.

  “I love—”

  Her finger pressed against my lips stopping the words I longed to say. “Don’t say it.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because I’m not one of your cotton-candy lovers.” She leaned over me caressing my chest with long, tapered nails. “How many times have you spoken those words?”

  I shrugged, not wanting to have this conversation. “A few times.”

  “Wife number one? Did you promise to always love her?”

  I nodded.

  “Wife two? Three? Mary?” Lilith gazed at me. “Did you tell them you loved them?”

  Again, I nodded. They say the truth will set you free, but it damned me. I’d said the words too many times, to too many women.

  “Your love didn’t last,” she whispered against my neck.

  No, it hadn’t. My heart burned with sudden fear. Would Lilith fade away, my love for her disappear? Would love turn to hate? Would she betray me as the others had?

  She kissed me, her tongue stroking mine with abandon. “Promise me something.”

  “Anything.”

  “Never tell me you love me.”

  “Deal.”

  ~ * ~

  “What happened to Mary?” I wiped a bead of sweat from Lilith’s naked skin. Our lovemaking had surpassed my hospital fantasies, and had included positions, and visual aids illegal in many southern states. Now, as we lay side-by-side on the adjustable bed, my mind wandered with loose ends and worries about our future.

  Lilith yawned, showing sharpened canine teeth. “It’s customary not to bring up past lovers while in bed with the current one. Unless it’s a comparison, and then only when I come out on top.”

  “I’ll remember that.” I kissed her bare shoulder, licking her salt-slicked skin. “And trust me, she’s got nothing on you.”

  Lilith turned to face me, her extended belly between us. The baby kicked, pushing against my stomach. Something warm, and not unwelcome filled my heart.

  “Mary disappeared, and no one has seen her,” she said, biting her lower lip.

  She’s lying, I thought. But why? Was Lilith afraid I’d choose Mary over her? Choose my biological child over hers? “Mary means nothing to me. You know that, don’t you?”

  Nodding, Lilith took my hand in hers and pressed it against her stomach. “She doesn’t, but her child means everything.”

  “What are you saying?”

  “Jace, by design or accident of birth, you’re the actual Second Coming.”

  “And?” Duh. I’d figured that out two hours ago. But I was a Second Coming without any cool powers. I couldn’t raise the dead, or smite demon cats at will. Hell, I couldn’t even do the Sunday crossword in pen.

  Lilith rolled her eyes. “Mary originally teamed up with Sid to kidnap Jesus so she could create the next ruler of Heaven.”

  “And when she found out I was really the second coming, she practically raped me.” I smack myself in the forehead. “She got knocked up on purpose! That bitch.”

  “And God’s not getting any younger.” She grinned. “After all, He’s ruled Heaven for five billon years.”

  My eyes widened. “Five billon years?”

  “Yep.” She winked at me. “Don’t believe everything you read. God, Zeus, Buddha, Allah, and a million other less popular deities have risen and fallen from power in the last five-billon years. It’s like a fucked up popularity contest.”

  “I don’t understand. The ruler of Heaven is determined by the amount of followers?”

  “Yes. Hell, too, for that matter.” Her yellow eyes flashed. “For the last two thousand years, God’s been in the lead with two billion practitioners."

  “That’s why Sid wanted to kill me, and he used the kid, and his kidnapping, as a means to an end.” I nodded. “Without a Second Coming, God would eventually lose the throne.”

  Lilith nodded. “But with Sid roasting in Hell, now Mary holds the key, or rather the embryo to the throne.”

  “But only if I’m dead.”

  “Yes.” She agreed with a nod. “We must find out who told Mary about you in the first place, and where she’s hiding.”

  “I did not mean to tell her, but you were locked in a mausoleum. And...” In a flash of white light, the angel appeared, hovering above our bed on a fluffy cloud. “The blonde one tricked me.”

  “A cloud? A fucking cloud?” I shook my head. Lying angel bastard.

  “So you told Mary I was God’s son, huh? What else did you let accidentally slip?”

  The angel hung his head. “The mean one’s plan. The plan to rescue the Messiah, and protect Nemamiah.”

  I pointed to Lilith. “She’s Nemamiah.”

  “Oh, I forgot.” The angel frowned. “Nemamiah is a man’s name. It should be your name,” he said to me.

  “Thanks but I already have a name. It’s Jace, remember?”

  He nodded. “I did not mean to tell the mean one’s plan to the blonde one. She tricked me, Nemamiah. She is much smarter than your mean one.”

  “You stupid, mother—” Lilith screeched I held up my hand, cutting Lilith off. “How did she trick you?”

  Having been duped by Mary myself, I felt an odd sense of camaraderie with the worthless angel.

  “She…” His eyes shifted back and forth. “She promised me my own cloud. One I don’t have to share with Michael. But then the Lord found out I told, and he smited me, right there at Bob’s Junkyard, and sent me to Michael’s cloud. How I wish for my own cloud...”

  “You stupid, mother—” I roared, leaping naked from the hospital bed. I swatted at the floating cloud, fully intending to destroy it, and him.

  Sold out for a cloud. How pathetic was that?

  Lilith grabbed my hand, tugging me back to the bed. “Kill him later. Right now, we need to focus on Mary. Once she gives birth to your child…”

  “If it’s my child.” I kissed Lilith’s forehead. “And then only over my dead body will she rule Heaven.”

  “I’m guessing that’s part of her plan.”

  I scratched my head. “Did you notice it’s part of everyone’s plan? If I didn’t like myself so much, I’d get a complex.”

  Lilith grinned. “If it makes you feel better, it was only after we met that I wanted you dead.”

  “Blasphemy!” the angel squawked. “You dare threaten the Son of God?”

  “Threatening him is blasphemy, but nearly getting him killed is just fine, huh?” Lilith twisted the bed sheet in her hands, probably dreaming of strangling the angel. The babe in her belly kicked violently too, nearly toppling me from the small bed.

  “Unless you have something vital to say, just go away.” I waved at the angel and his precious fucking cloud. “You’re completely fucking useless. Since the beginning, you’ve done nothing right! Not one damn thing.”

  “Fine.” He huffed, blowing out a stream of atmospheric dust. Slowly he started to disappear, all the while mumbling, “I try to be helpful, stop the child Jesus from being harmed, but does he want to listen? No, he’s too busy with the mean one.”

  “What did you say?” I yelled. />
  “You are rude, overbearing, and look like a homeless person.” The angel crossed his wings over his chest, and waited for my apology.

  “No. About the kid?”

  “Oh, the son of God is missing, and the Rapture is upon us.” The angel frowned. “Don’t you watch the news?”

  Sixty Two

  “And there you have it folks. The end of days is here, and we are but moments away from world destruction.” A newscaster with overly bleached teeth smiled into the television screen. I shook my head, and flipped the station.

  The friendly face of a lowly White House cabinet member reassured the frightened public. “...No danger... Everything’s fine... The President is aware of the situation...No comment on the President's current location...”

  He’s probably on his knees begging for forgiveness, I thought.

  The screen flashed, BREAKING NEWS, in large, terrifying text.

  Underneath the words images of packed churches, riots, and falling hamsters burst from the television. Reports of four headless horsemen approaching the city had sent frenzied flocks of the faithful into ecstatic peals of joy, and sinners into the streets screaming for mercy.

  I watched, dazed, as the world went mad. What was going on?

  Surely, God would’ve mentioned an imminent apocalypse. At the least, he would’ve sent me a text message. Something like 'btw end o days'. pack lite.

  Lilith gripped my hand, her skin cold. “I don’t understand,” she said for the tenth time. “Why now?”

  “Maybe your buddy Satan got tired of waiting.”

  She shook her head. “Satan wants Armageddon about as much as you want a fourth wife. Hell is packed as it is. It cannot sustain billions of newly dammed. Satan’s even talked about building a fence.”

  Interesting. “What about God?”

  “Same goes in Heaven. Even the Grim Reaper can’t randomly take souls anymore. He has to have papers, signed in triplicate. Heaven and Hell are full-up.”

  “So who’s doing all this?” I pointed to the hospital room window.

  The streets below swarmed with darkness, and terrified people. Fires burned.

  Women and children cried. Men preached salvation on abandoned avenues.

  “I wish I knew.” Lilith stroked her stomach. My heart lurched. In that moment, I vowed to save mother and child. Nothing would take them from me. Not the end of time, famine, or that dammed Brad Pitt.

  “I plan to find out.” I squeezed her hand. Jumping from the bed, I pulled on a pair of stolen surgical scrubs and freed Tyrfing from the supply closet where Lilith had place it after I’d awoken from my coma.

  I kissed Lilith goodbye. “Stay here.”

  “No.”

  “Dammit, Lilith.”

  “Dammit, Jace.” She winked at me. “Now’s not the time for foreplay. Grab your sword and follow me.”

  I grinned, and instead of arguing, I meekly followed her to the end of time.

  ~ * ~

  Lilith and I fought our way north to West 34th Street. Men and women huddled together in prayer while roaming gangs of the soon-to-be dammed smashed liquor store windows, and ransacked churches.

  “Where are we going?” I jogged to keep up with my enlarged lover’s quick strides. She was a woman on a mission. A warrior. An avenging angel.

  Nemamiah in full glory.

  She slowed a step. “Empire State Building. Armageddon starts there.”

  “And the kid? Is he still alive?” I ducked a flying hamster.

  Lilith closed her eyes. “Jesus is alive.”

  I closed my eyes, and prayed, before taking her hand and the lead.

  Ten blocks up, the Empire State Building appeared untouched in a blaze of rioting, fires, and mass hysteria. Like an oasis from the end of the world, it stood tall and proud.

  My eyes scanned the outside of the building, squinting at the observation deck one hundred and two floors up. I glanced at Lilith. “Think the elevator’s working?”

  She shrugged. “Does hell freeze over during the apocalypse?”

  “I’ll take that as a no.”

  “Start climbing.” She shoved me toward the fire escape, and pointed at her extended belly. “I’m right behind you.”

  Hefting Tyrfing over my shoulder, I climbed up the first flight of stairs. No sweat. I was a soldier. I’d battled forty-foot demons, wrestled the Son of Satan, and ate the angel’s cooking for fuck sakes. One hundred two floors was nothing.

  By the fifty-fifth floor, I’d significantly revised my attitude. Each step felt like its own brand of hell. My lungs burned, and my stomach recoiled. The quivering in my legs twenty floors before had twisted into violent cramps. Blisters formed, bursts, and reformed on my feet.

  I stopped, and listened for signs of Lilith climbing below me.

  Nothing. Good. I worried the strain might be too much on her and the baby.

  Besides, who knew what we’d face at the top. Having her safely on the ground made my job easier.

  Sucking in oxygen and my nerve, I began my ascent for the second time.

  Ninety-eight. Only four flights left.

  Ninety-nine. Was it pain in your left or right arm that signaled a heart attack?

  One hundred. If this was God’s way of fucking with me....

  One hundred one. Was that the smell of sulfur? Or did I stroke out?

  One hundred one and a half. Where the hell was Tyrfing? Shit. I glanced over the stairwell railing, and spotted the wayward weapon six flights below.

  Fuck it. I ran up the last six steps, and shoved the observation deck door open. An icy wind knocked me back, and brought tears to my eyes. The stench of burned city, and rotting fall leaves swirled around me, but I focused on another scent. One that chilled me more than the frozen atmosphere.

  Fresh blood, exotic tobacco, and sin.

  Sixty Three

  “Glad you made it. By the way, the elevator works just fine.” From across the rooftop, Lilith gave me a three-fingered wave. She leaned against a metal heating vent, my nine-millimeter held loosely in her hand. Steam rose around her, obscuring her rounded body, and giving her an untouchable glow. A deadly glow. A demon glow.

  I took a step toward her, unsure. A lingering fear I’d harbored since my first marriage swelled inside me. Had I trusted the wrong woman yet again? Was Lilith nothing more than she appeared, a devil in a black dress, sent to destroy the world?

  No, I refused to believe it. Shoving insecurity aside, I jogged closer, my eyes scanning the rooftop for hidden dangers. To the right of Lilith, a wrought iron cage, like a cat carrier, teetered on the opposite side of the protective railing. A mewing echoed from the container. A familiar sound. I strained to peer into the cage through the rising steam.

  Lilith smiled sadly. “Yes, the Messiah in a glided cage. But we don’t know yet why he sings.”

  “I have a pretty good idea.” I motioned to the ever-approaching darkness, and the sound of hoofs thundering in the distance. “Hey, kid, you okay?”

  “Mine?” came a muffled reply.

  “Yeah, kid, it’s me. You just hang tight, and I’ll get you down.” I stepped toward the cage, which swayed in the icy wind, teetering back and forth. One strong gust, and the kid would die.

  “Stop.” Lilith pointed my gun at me.

  I froze, the bitter taste of fear in the back of my throat. My eyes focused on her pale face, watching for a sign. A show of weakness.

  Something. Anything to erase the flavor of betrayal inside me.

  Vapor obscured her for a second or two. Giving me enough time to charge the ledge and grab the kid, but something held me back. Instead, I crept closer to Lilith. Close enough to feel the heat from the vent, and smell the tangy scent of sage.

  “Before we die, I have something to tell you,” Lilith’s voice rose from the steam cloud.

  “Yeah, what’s that?”

  The cloud surrounding her shimmered, slowly disappearing in a gust of icy wind. She cleared her throat. “I love you.
”

  I swallowed hard. “Son of a bitch.”

  Sixty Four

  With a prayer, I lunged into the darkness, throwing myself at Lilith.

  My arms wrapped around her swollen middle, cradling the child against me as we hit the rooftop. From behind us, a burst of gunfire cracked in the air. A bullet whizzed by the spot Lilith had occupied moments before. The acidic scent of gunpowder tickled my nostrils.

  Lilith squirmed in my grip, her hands clutching her stomach. “I didn’t mean a word of it,” she whispered in my ear before letting out an ear-shattering scream. “I don’t love you, damn it. And you better not get yourself killed.”

  “Ditto.” I shoved her behind the metal vent, and scanned the rooftop for the shooter. “Now stay down.”

  She nodded, pushing my gun into my hand. “No bullets, but if you get close enough, you can club one of them with it.”

  I kissed her. “Thanks.”

  “You’re wel—” a scream of pain ripped through her, cutting off her words. Her stomach knotted, the baby straining against its confinement.

  Oh God, not now. We had an assassin shooting at us, Armageddon upon us, and the Messiah hanging perilously from a cage a few feet from us.

  Now, Lilith was about to give birth one hundred and two floors up.

  During a pause in gunfire, I rolled from my hiding space, and vaulted into the darkness. At first, I saw nothing, the night providing ample cover for the shooter. A bullet slammed into the brick above my head stripping it like string cheese. With a duck and weave move straight out of a Buggy’s Bunny cartoon, I danced my way across the rooftop. The pounding of the four horsemen in synch with the thundering beat of my heart.

  The kid’s mewing grew louder, as did the rate of falling hamsters. So there I was, dodging bullets and hamster parts, while keeping one eye on the kid cage, and the other eye on my laboring lover. All in all, I’d had better days.

  A flash on my left told me what I needed to know. The shooter hid in the elevator alcove. A perfect ambush spot, except Lilith had forced me up the stairs. Again, I owed her my life.

  Taking a steadying breath, I charged the alcove, yelling like a madman. The element of insanity, or maybe surprise gave me the time I needed. I launched myself at the shooter. My momentum pushed us from the alcove and against the protective railing. Rattling my teeth, but my grip on the killer stayed strong. The metal barrier released a squawk of protest and gave way. The assassin screeched once before plummeting over the edge.