If Not for You

by Debbie Macomber

  Peter hung his head. “I deserved your anger and more.”

  “Oh Peter, stop. That was years ago now. We both made mistakes. We both suffered from our stubbornness. I have missed you so dearly through the years and thought of you often. Can we put it all behind us?”

  He looked up as though stunned, and she stretched her arm across the table and gripped hold of his hand.

  “Your niece said the reason she arranged that dinner for us was so that we could heal our relationship. Healing. Is that possible, Sunshine? After all these years?”

  “It is if we’re willing.”

  He smiled then, and it was the smile she remembered from their youth, one that reached every feature. His mouth widened. His eyes sparked with light. “I’m willing,” he said.

  “I am, too.”

  The waiter came to their table and they ordered fish tacos, a bean tostado, and because they had a driver, they had large margaritas. They lingered long after their meal was finished. They talked and laughed and then talked some more. It was as though the years evaporated. She learned that Peter had taken up sculpting again and worked evenings on his various projects, finding fulfillment and pleasure in creating once again. By the time they headed back to the car, Sunshine realized she couldn’t remember an evening she’d enjoyed more.

  The car service drove Sunshine to her hotel. Her flight was for late morning the following day.

  “I had a wonderful time,” she said, when the car eased under the hotel’s portico. The doorman was right there to open her door and help her out.

  “I did, too,” Peter assured her.

  She leaned over to kiss his cheek and thank him, but instead of his cheek, Peter turned his head so her mouth landed haphazardly on his lips. Embarrassed, she started to pull away, but he was having none of that. The hunger in his kiss left her breathless.

  “Can I see you again?” he asked.

  Her heart sank, weighted down with disappointment. “I’m sorry,” she said, wishing she had known there was even a small chance of seeing him. Had she been aware, she would have left her flight open ended. “My flight leaves at eleven-thirty tomorrow.”

  Peter tapped his finger over her lips. “I didn’t ask about that. I asked if I could see you again.”

  “Then, yes, please, I’d like that.”

  “Good, because I’d like that, too.”

  “When?” she asked, needing to know he wouldn’t let months lapse before he got in touch with her.

  “Is tomorrow too soon?”

  “Not even close. I can do breakfast, but it will need to be early, because I need to leave the hotel by nine-thirty and—”

  “I was thinking more along the lines of dinner.”

  “Dinner. I’ll be in Portland.”

  “I know.”

  “You’re flying to Portland?”

  “Seems necessary, if I want to be with you.”

  “But…” Sunshine snapped her mouth closed. She had no intention of arguing with him.

  “I’ll pick you up around seven.”

  Sunshine nodded. “I’ll be ready and waiting.”

  “I’ve been waiting for you over half my life,” Peter whispered.

  “No need to wait any longer,” she returned, and climbed out of the vehicle.

  Sunshine barely made it back to her room before she collapsed on her bed, happier than she could remember being.

  Peter was back in her life, and she had the distinct impression he wasn’t going to be leaving anytime soon.

  CHAPTER 39

  Beth

  It’d been a month since she’d last spoken to Sam. Beth had decided if she didn’t hear from him in thirty days, then she would reach out to him.

  She’d spent nearly that same amount of time in the hospital and rehab center. Each day had felt like a month, but it was nothing compared to January. Time creeped by. She continued playing the piano at the center, but without Sam, it wasn’t nearly as fulfilling. When she wasn’t busy with her volunteer activities, she wrote music. It helped her pass the time and gave her a creative outlet, although most of the music she composed was fitting for a funeral service.

  One night, unable to sleep, she sat in the dark with her iPad on her lap and composed a poem. The words poured out of her so quickly she could barely type them down fast enough.

  The Warning Label No One Reads

  I fell asleep shaking last night. I wish it was because of the cold.

  When I woke my mind was flooded with thoughts of you.

  Now I feel like I’m drowning.

  I don’t want it to be this way, waking up gasping for air.

  Crying for however long it takes to pull myself

  Back together again.

  I let my thoughts, my regrets, get the best of me.

  I worry you’ll never be able to forgive me.

  I’m overwhelmed.

  Loving you should have come with a warning label.

  The label no one reads.

  The warning label that tells me love can hurt.

  You can be wonderful, thoughtful, sincere

  Or you can be harsh and unforgiving.

  Love.

  It’s the warning label no one reads.

  On day thirty, forsaking her pride, Beth drove to Sam’s house. His truck was parked outside, so she knew he was home. Sucking in a deep breath to settle her nerves, she approached the front door. With no expectations, she decided she’d have her say and then leave.

  When he opened the door, she could tell he was shocked to see her.

  “Beth.” He breathed her name and then frowned and took a step back as though he needed to put distance between the two of them.

  She could almost see the wall go up, blocking her out, which served only to strengthen her resolve.

  Sam spoke first. “I thought I made myself clear.”

  “You did,” she assured him.

  “Then what are you doing here?”

  “I had something I wanted to say,” she told him, standing on the other side of the screen door. “It won’t take long, I promise.” He hadn’t invited her inside, and that was fine. Even if he had, she wouldn’t have accepted.

  He crossed his arms and looked bored. “You’ve already apologized. Doing it again isn’t going to change anything.”

  “I’m not here to apologize, Sam.”

  “Fine. Whatever. Say whatever it is and then it would be best if you left.”

  She cleared her throat, mentally reviewing her prepared speech. “Do you remember one of the first times you came to visit me in the hospital? It was shortly after the accident? I asked you to read me a Psalm from the Bible.”

  “I remember,” he returned, as though bored.

  “I fell asleep and when I woke you were still reading. You mentioned that you wanted to learn more about David, the shepherd boy who had composed the majority of the psalms.”

  “Yeah, so?”

  “So,” she said exhaling, struggling to hold herself together. “You were amused after reading about David fighting Goliath. You mentioned there were a number of details you hadn’t heard before. Saul said if David was going to face off with the giant then he needed to wear the king’s armor. You laughed at the picture of this teenage boy strapping on the armor to the point he could barely walk.”

  Sam exhaled. “Is there a point to this?”

  “Yes. I’m getting there. David did his best to do as the king asked, but it was impossible. If you remember, he took off the armor before he faced the giant. We discussed it at the time.”

  “Yes, I recall all that. So what?”

  “So,” she said, her lips trembling. “The giant in your life, Sam, is what happened with Trish and your daughter.”

  He frowned but didn’t respond.

  “And you’re fighting that giant loaded down with body armor. You can’t move, you can’t love, you can’t defeat that giant as long as you’re weighted down with this wall you’ve erected around your heart. I love you, Sam, an
d I unintentionally hurt you, but you aren’t able to see past that because you haven’t been able to defeat your giant.”

  “I’ve heard enough,” he said, and started to close the door.

  “Think about it, Sam.”

  He glared back, unyielding. Seeing her words had no effect, she sighed. “Good-bye, Sam,” she said softly, brokenly. “I won’t trouble you again.”

  The door closed and Beth hung her head, breathed in three deep breaths, and turned and left.

  —

  A month passed. Beth had hoped to hear from Sam and knew if he had been inclined to reach out, it would have happened before now.

  The first Friday night in March, Nichole asked her if she’d be willing to watch Matthew again. She knew it would be a challenge alone but felt she was up to it.

  Matthew was awake and crawling around the house, exploring his world when she arrived. Nichole gave her the list of instructions as she had before, and within ten minutes of Beth’s arrival, Nichole and her husband were out the door.

  “Okay, kiddo,” she said, chasing after the baby. “It’s you and me against the world.” She remembered how watching him the first time had taken both her and Sam’s full attention. Smiling, she remembered Sam’s response to a messy diaper. They’d had some fun adventures. Despite the fact that they were no longer together, she didn’t look back with regret. She’d learned a lot about herself from him and she hoped that in time he would be able to think of her fondly.

  Her phone rang and she picked up. “Hey, Sunshine,” she said, pleased to hear from her aunt. Sunshine and Peter were quite the item these days. Her aunt had made more trips to Chicago in the last two months than in the last two years. If she wasn’t in the Windy City, then Peter was in Portland, the Rose City. Beth was thrilled that the two of them had found each other again. Their relationship was serious, and she fully expected them to stay together. Yes, she’d meddled in their lives, but at least this time there looked to be a happy ending.

  “Where are you?” Beth asked.

  “Chicago. Peter and I are heading to the theater. I wanted to ask if you’d stop by my place one day next week and bring in the mail for me.”

  “Of course. You’re staying with Peter the entire week?”

  “Yes. It’s getting more difficult to leave him. He asked me to move to Chicago permanently.”

  Beth hated the thought of her aunt leaving Portland, and if she did, Beth might move elsewhere herself. Her teaching contract was for the current school year and she hadn’t yet signed on for another year. There was nothing to hold her in Portland. It saddened her to think of walking away from Sam, but the truth was it was probably for the best.

  “That’s wonderful,” she said, forcing enthusiasm into her voice. “If you do, I might move back myself. Mom and I are getting along better than ever, and there’s nothing holding me down in Portland.”

  “You do whatever you feel is best,” Sunshine advised.

  Thankfully, Matthew fell asleep quickly, tired out by all the activity. Beth held him long after he’d finished his bottle. She softly kissed his forehead and mulled over the future. Her teaching contract had been renewed. All that was required of her was to pen her name on the bottom line. It was then that she decided she wouldn’t do it.

  She was leaving Portland.

  —

  The following week, the March rains came in full force. Beth waited for a break in the weather and raced toward the faculty parking lot. As she approached her vehicle, she noticed a man climb out of a truck cab and approach her.

  Sam.

  Her steps faltered and she paused, unsure what to do. She froze, slowing her steps as she walked toward her vehicle, uncertain and struggling with seeing him again.

  “I heard you decided to leave Portland,” he said, his eyes holding her prisoner.

  “Who told you that?” Silly question. Clearly Nichole had been the informant. “Never mind. The answer is obvious.”

  “I thought you liked Portland.”

  “I do, but it looks like Sunshine is going to move back to Chicago to be closer to Peter.”

  “They’re together?” He sounded surprised and looked pleased both at the same time.

  “Yeah, despite me,” she said in an effort to make a joke.

  It started to rain again and she placed a music folder over the top of her head as protection. She waited a few uncomfortable moments for Sam to say something more. He didn’t. It was silly to stand in the rain, waiting, not knowing for what. She gave him a weak smile. “Nice seeing you, Sam,” she said as she hit the remote that would unlock her car door.

  “Wait,” he said. “Don’t go.”

  “I’m getting wet.”

  “This won’t take a minute.” He looked down at his feet and kicked at a rock. “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about what you said…the giant and David and the armor.”

  “That’s good.”

  He glanced up at the darkening sky. “Listen, would you like to go someplace for coffee and talk?”

  She would more than anything, but she had plans. “Sorry, I can’t. I’ve got an appointment.” It’d started to rain in earnest.

  His mouth thinned. “An appointment or a date?”

  “Does it matter?” she asked. He’d made it clear he wasn’t interested in seeing her any longer.

  Oblivious to the rain, he held her gaze. “Guess not. Have a good time.”

  That was it? He had nothing more to say? Beth stared back at him, disappointment stealing over her. With nothing else to do, she slid inside the car and started the engine. The wiper blades automatically went on. After fastening her seatbelt, she looked at Sam, hoping, praying, he would say or do something to stop her. The least he could do was suggest they meet another time. Apparently, that was more than he was willing to do.

  With no other option, she put the car in gear and started toward the exit. Her throat was thick and she glanced in her rearview mirror, debating if she should turn back around until she remembered their last meeting. Sam had basically closed the door on her, ending their relationship. If he was serious, if he’d had a change of heart, it was up to him to say so.

  She was going only about ten miles an hour when she saw another car approaching the exit at the same time as she was. She stepped on her brake, but it was too late. The other car slammed into the front bumper, jolting her. For an instant, she was too stunned to move.

  A minute passed, possibly two, or it could have been longer. Her car door was yanked open and Sam was there. “Are you hurt?”

  She shook her head. “I…I don’t think so. How’s the other driver?”

  He looked up as if he hadn’t thought to check. “I’ll be right back.”

  Racing to the other car, Sam checked with the second driver and returned in short order. “She’s fine. She admitted it’s her fault.”

  “I must have bad car karma,” Beth groaned. Two accidents within a few months of each other, and neither one had been her fault. She should have been more careful, more aware, but her head had been filled with Sam and she hadn’t been paying attention. She felt equally to blame.

  The other driver, the mother of one of the high school students, gave Beth the necessary information for insurance purposes so her car could be repaired. No more than fifteen minutes later, the apologetic woman left.

  Sam waited and Beth appreciated it. “This is a dangerous way for us to keep meeting,” he teased. “You’re sure you’re not hurt?”

  “A little shaken, but I’m fine.” And she was. When she’d first been released from the rehab center, one of her big fears was the possibility of another car accident. Her hands shook and she lifted the hair from her forehead. Silly as it was, she noticed that the rain had started to let up. Not that it mattered; both Beth and Sam were drenched. While the accident had shaken her, thankfully the damage to her car was minimal.

  “I’m not fine,” Sam said, studying her intently.

  “Sam. What happened?” Beth didn
’t realize that he’d been involved in the crash.

  “I need you, Beth. I’m ready to take off that armor, ready to move forward. Ready to heal, but I’m going to need help.” He paused and seemed to be waiting for her to respond.

  Stunned by his words, she could do nothing more than stare at him.

  “Would you be willing to stand by me?” he asked gently. “Would you let me love you the way you deserve to be loved?”

  She blinked several times, unsure she was willing to risk her heart a second time.

  Beth thought about Sunshine and the regrets she had regarding her relationship with Peter. She’d refused to forgive him and waited years to make things right with him.

  Sam studied her, his eyes wide with appeal.

  “Oh Sam,” she whispered, the lump in her throat so large she had trouble talking around it. “Yes…” She wanted to tell him how much she’d missed him in the intervening weeks and couldn’t speak. When she could, she’d let him know how she’d struggled to fill the giant hole he’d left in her heart.

  Groaning, Sam wrapped his arms around Beth and hugged her close, burying his head in the crook of her neck. If this wasn’t heaven, then it was pretty darn close. She was wrong. Heaven arrived when they kissed. Beth was starving for want of him. They kissed until they were both breathless, chests heaving, and still it wasn’t enough. Rain fell down in buckets all around, mingling with Beth’s tears, liquid flowing down her face, her hair little more than wet tendrils dripping onto her shoulders.

  Sam pushed the hair away from her face and braced his forehead against hers. “I’ve been miserable without you. I thought I could do it. Thought I could put you out of my mind. Didn’t happen. I thought I’d lost you all over again when you got in the car and drove off.”

  She’d waited, wanted him to stop her and he hadn’t.

  “Have you found someone else?”

  His heart was in his eyes and she could have drowned in the way he looked at her, the doubt and the regret telling her more than any words he might have spoken. “No. No one compares to you, Sam. No one. Thought you learned that the last time you set me free.”