A Little Broken

by Juli Valenti

  The silence as she finished was deafening, and if she’d had any parts left, her heart would have broken just a little bit more. She couldn’t handle this, she had to get out. Eyes blurring from the barrage of tears now coursing from her eyes, she rolled off of Dominick, grabbed her dress from the pile on the floor, and ran out of the room. She didn’t make it far before she tripped over her own feet and crumpled to the carpet. World spinning, she curled up, willing herself to just disappear. If she could just disappear this wouldn’t hurt so badly.

  Why did have to ask? Why did he have to know? He was the light, the sunrise in her darkness. She’d forgotten how warm that sun was until he came into her life, and now it was gone – ripped away by her shameful past. Guilt consumed her. Guilt for her son dying, guilt for not knowing he’d been hurt, guilt for not being able to keep him safe from someone they both trusted. Guilt for enjoying her time with Dominick when her baby was cold in the ground, alone. She deserved to be alone.

  “Oh, Jessie,” came his soft voice from above her, but she couldn’t look at him. How could he look at her, after knowing the truth. “Baby…”

  The compassion in his tone made her feel even guiltier, her cries becoming more forceful. She didn’t deserve compassion. Now that she thought about it, if there was a God, his punishment was fitting. Instead of letting her leave the world to be with her son, she was kept there, to mourn, to grieve, to hurt.

  She heard movement as Dominick lowered himself to the floor with her. Second later, she felt his warm hands tugging on her, pulling her out of her fetal position and into his lap. He held her tightly, smoothing her hair out of her face and trying to wipe the tears that wouldn’t stop falling.

  “It’s not your fault, you couldn’t have known what you hadn’t been told. You took your baby to the doctor when you thought something was really wrong, and he informed you that he was fine. You’re not an M.D., why would you have even questioned him? You couldn’t have stopped him from going, either…I read up on SIDS, and it’s not something anyone knows much about. There is no ‘cause.’ It just happens sometimes, Jessie. It was nothing you did. God, is this how you’ve felt for this long? It’s a wonder you’re even able to get through the day. Look at me. Look at me, baby.”

  Jessie complied, looking up at his face but not meeting his eyes. He sounded sincere, but she knew she couldn’t handle it if he didn’t mean it. It was safer to avoid knowing. But Dominick was determined, and cradled her face in his hands. He bent his head until his eyes could meet hers and raised his head once they’d locked.

  “You said you’re ruined. You’re not ruined, Jessie…you’re just a little broken,” he whispered, kissing her forehead. “You have to live past the guilt you feel. I know that nothing I say will show you how to do it, but each day, you have to, or you will disappear. Live each day for your baby, for your precious child, who didn’t get the chance to. Remember him, but don’t let that horror consume you…trust me. I’ve been down that road, and it was no Mary Poppin’s picnic, and I couldn’t find Dick van Dyke anywhere,” he lightly joked.

  She couldn’t help the pull she felt from the corner of her lips. There was just something about him that ‘got’ her. He knew exactly what to say to her…and she still couldn’t help but wonder when the other shoe would drop.

  “Come on,” he said, standing while still cradling her in his arms. “Let’s go back to sleep, we have all day tomorrow to talk.”

  “No, we don’t,” she said, startled. “I have to go back to work.”

  “Nope. I got you another day off – call it a perk of being related to the owner - so we can spend it however you want. Today, well, yesterday was my day, today is yours.” He smiled, a bright beaming smile, though she could see the tiredness in his eyes.

  Instead of pointing out that she needed to work to pay her bills, she decided to go with it. She still had a small amount of money saved up, especially since she went nowhere and only bought the minimum she needed to survive; she should be okay for an extra day.

  Once back in his room, he placed her softly back onto the bed, kissing her as he climbed over her and onto his side. It was then that she noticed he was still nude as well. His gaze caught hers, and he blushed, a soft pink filling his cheeks before he shrugged. She let him pull her into him, her back to his front, and was amazed that he was still there, his arms still wrapped firmly around her.

  “Sleep, baby girl. I’ll still be here when you wake again,” he whispered against her ear.

  Jessie never thought she’d be able to fall asleep after their discussion tonight, but lying his arms and feeling his strength behind her, her eyes grew heavy. As she teetered on unconsciousness, she could have sworn she heard Dominick whisper.

  “I’ll always be here…I think I love you.”

  Chapter Twenty-One

  In the following weeks, Jessie and Dominick settled into a comfortable new routine. Working, going out, watching movies – it was like a breath of fresh air to her. Since she’d aired out most of her biggest issues, there was little standing between them anymore.

  Her boss, Mr. C, was also elated that she and Dominick had hit it off, and had admitted that he had purposely arranged a meeting between them. He had somehow known that his nephew was exactly what she needed in her life, though he looked sheepish when he’d said it. She had almost argued the point, but decided he was right… No use in beating a dead horse. She was glad that all was working out – she’d grown to love her job, her coworkers, and would have been devastated if she’d had to quit because of a failed relationship. With encouragement from Dominick, she’d even gone out with some of the girls a couple times, though it was Toni who’d claimed ‘best girlfriend’ status. Jessie was tentative at first, not sure what they could talk about, but Toni was persistent and made conversation easy. She was surprised at how much she enjoyed being friends with the woman.

  Today, Toni had taken it upon herself to become a stylist – she had insisted that they go shopping, stating that Jessie’s wardrobe was “drab” and needed to be “revamped” for the “vivacious woman” she’d now become. When she’d called Dominick from the diner, he’d merely laughed and told her to have fun, and that he expected everything to be modeled for her later that evening. Sighing, she’d done what she was told, and let her new friend usher her into the car and drive them to the mall.

  Malls in Florida apparently had no rules in regards to traffic there. Back home, you could count on it being dead anytime between noon and six during the school year, all the teenagers either in class or on their way home before heading out for a small adventure amongst clothing. Here? None of those rules applied. There were so many people that Jessie was worried that she wasn’t going to be able to handle it, anxiety already creeping up on her. Toni seemed to have noticed the stiffening in her shoulders though, and looped their arms together and started talking.

  “So, how are things with you and Dominick?” she asked, drawing out his name and ending it with a hard ‘k.’

  “Things are…good. Great, even. He’s more than I ever thought possible, which makes me concerned about when the other shoe will drop. Why is he not already married?” she wondered for the millionth time.

  “Things are different here, my friend. I know that back home for you it is common place to marry at eighteen, but not here. He’s only in his thirties, he’s not an old maid,” she said, laughing.

  “Yeah, but, he’s amazing…just doesn’t seem plausible that he hasn’t found someone already. So tell me the dirt, the mud, the swamp hidden in his past. What is it?”

  “From what I know of him, he doesn’t have one. He’s always been popular, and while he had a rough road after his friend passed away, he straightened out pretty quickly. No one has a harsh thing to say about him…you’re very lucky.”

  “Ugh. Why me? We all know I have…issues,” Jessie said, her face scrunching up as Toni stopped in front of some ‘hip’ store that catered to pretty teenagers. She spared a thought that she
hoped her friend knew her better than that, sighing when she was pulled farther down the shops.

  “Jessie, you sell yourself short…again. For a taller girl, that’s a pretty impressive feat. You’re gorgeous inside and out, even with your past – that you still refuse to talk to me about, which is fine.” Toni’s tone held no recrimination, no scorn. She said it was fine and honestly meant it, it was one of the things that made being friends with her so easy.

  Jessie said nothing, knowing it was a losing battle, instead focusing on the dimly lit pink-colored shop she had been pulled into. It took her a moment to realize that it was a lingerie shop, VS prominent all around. Confused, she turned to Toni.

  “I thought you were making me buy new clothes? Not underwear.”

  “Well, I figure we’ll do a bit of everything. Besides, Dominick came in today to sneak me his credit card – it’s all on him.” She held a hand up, cutting off her protest. “No arguments. He wants to do something nice for you, and you’re going to let him.”

  She opened her mouth, closed it, and opened it again, though no words came out. Jessie wasn’t sure if she should be offended or flattered that her boyfriend wanted to do something like this for her. Was she even allowed to call him her boyfriend? The term seemed so…young, innocent to her, and she wasn’t sure if that fit what they were. Sure, they spent time together every day, and she slept as his place more often than she was even in her own, but she didn’t know what they were. It was uncharted territory for her, and it made her head swim. If she were being honest with herself, she was pretty sure she was starting to have feelings for him. More than just ‘feelings’ even. Oh hell, she thought, dropping her face into her hands.

  “Jessie? Earth to the pretty girl,” Toni said, tugging on one of her wrists to reveal her face. “They’re just clothes – don’t shut down on me now… This is only the first store. Now, smile, pretend you’re having fun, and let me live vicariously through you. Just think about the fashion show you get to put on later,” she said with a wink.

  A smile quirked her lips and she nodded, letting her friend flag down one of the model-type workers in the store. She was guided to a dressing room, where she was measured and promptly brought hundreds of things to try on, Toni throwing more and more items over the door. The small room exploded with pinks, reds, blues, and greens; lace, silk and cotton fabric everywhere. Jessie didn’t even know that so many options existed, and when she’d started to get overwhelmed, she’d been instructed to make two piles. Things that fit, and the rest that didn’t. Once the flood of garments stopped, Toni came in and rifled through the items, holding things up asking for a simple yes or no. It didn’t take nearly as long as she had expected to get to a reasonable amount of items, and they were at the register soon after.

  “That’ll be three hundred and sixty four dollars, twenty one cents, please,” the blonde cashier informed them.

  Stunned, Jessie just stared at her, while Toni moved into action, handing over Dominick’s black Amex card. Winking at them, the cashier finished the transaction and handed her the tissue-wrapped lingerie in their bright pink bags.

  “Awesome! One store down, a whole mall to go!” Toni announced cheerfully. Jessie said nothing, following her in silence while mentally scolding herself for the extravagant purchase. That price was ridiculous, but her friend had informed her that the sexy items would not only make her feel better, but also drive Dominick crazy; thus, it was a gift for him, not her. She didn’t agree, but decided she’d take it up with him later.

  ***

  Jessie stood, staring at herself, unable to believe the girl in the mirror was actually her. They were in Macy’s, and Toni was shopping in the same whirlwind way she had in Victoria’s Secret. The lingerie had been easy – the girl had measured her, informed her of her sizes, and they’d gone from there. Here, there was none of that.

  Stripping the jeans from her body, Jessie checked the tag again. Yep, still said a size two, just like it did when she’d put them on. She couldn’t figure out why they were so huge on her. Turning back to her reflection, she took in her body.

  She was gaunt, her body seeming unreal. Her hip bones were pronounced, her skin seeming to concave inward toward her pelvis. Turning to the side, she realized she could count every single rib, protruding from her like a xylophone. The only weight she even had of any significance was her breasts, which seemed very large amongst her skeletal torso. Her legs looked sickly thin, stilt like, and even her face was shadowed, her cheekbones prominent in her face. How had she not noticed this before? After a moment, she realized she hadn’t even looked at herself in the lingerie she’d tried on – it had fit, and she didn’t really care about her underwear. Now, she wished she had.

  A knock sounded at the dressing room door, startling her out of her scrutiny.

  “How’s it going in there? You’re awfully quiet,” her friend asked.

  “They don’t fit,” she said quietly, almost mournfully. She was so ashamed at herself, at her body, that she was terrified to admit that the clothes didn’t fit. She didn’t want Toni to see her like she was seeing herself right now.

  “Ok, I can grab a bigger size, don’t fret, sugar!” Toni’s voice was cheerful and hearing her feet shuffle, Jessie called out to stop her.

  “Wait! They’re…they’re too big,” she said tentatively. She heard her friend’s footsteps hesitate before the soft tap on the door came.

  “Open up, Jessie. I want to talk to you.”

  Sighing, Jessie cracked the door, clad in her bra and boy-shorts. Toni pushed on the door, revealing her, her eyes locking on the pronounced bones. Her friend’s eyes widened before they met her face again.

  “Sweet Jesus, friend, what have you done to yourself? No, don’t answer that; I know you don’t want to. Okay, so…I’ll go grab the zeros and double zeros. We will find some things that will fit you, and after that I’m feeding you…but I’m going to tell you this: if in another three months, if the twos are still too big, we’re going to have a talk, and you will tell me what the hell happened to you to make you this small, capice?”

  Toni’s stern tone allowed for no argument and she simply nodded. Her friend took a deep breath, glanced at her once more, then marched out in search of more clothes.

  Closing the door, Jessie sank down on the small bench in the room and thought back to the last few weeks. She knew that she was eating more than she had after she’d lost her son, but Dominick always frowned when she pushed her plate away, full after only a couple bites. During the dark days, she barely ate, not hungry, and she’d known she’d lost a lot of weight, her only saving grace the belts she’d bought to hold her pants up…but she didn’t realize it was this bad. Why hadn’t Dominick said anything? How could he even be attracted to her? She looked like a corpse, the walking dead, completely unattractive, even to herself. She vowed to herself that she’d start eating more – she couldn’t keep looking like this. She worked in a well-respected diner, for a respected member of the community, and her boyfriend was part of that same family; she had to do better than she was, and she could do it. She knew she could. She had to. Otherwise, Jessie knew, she really would slowly die and she wanted to live…for Dominick…and for herself.

  ***

  After a few trips back and forth, Toni was able to find dozens of items of clothing that not only fit, but also flattered Jessie’s body. She was pleased with the items they chose, and this time when they were at the register, she paid no attention to the total of the purchase.

  Her friend helped her carry her multiple bags as they chatted about the regulars at the diner, Toni’s love life, and the other girls. The conversation was relaxing and light while they ate at the food court, Jessie making a conscious effort to eat at least half of her food, holding to her new vow of eating more.

  They stopped at a few more shops, picking up lotions and perfumes, things that Toni informed her all women had to have – different scents for different days even. It was all a little over Je
ssie’s head, but she believed her friend, and accepted the advice, finding herself and exerting her opinion with what smells she liked. She even stopped to pick out a tie for Dominick, wanting to surprise him with something she picked out, and paid for, herself. All in all, Jessie had a fun evening with her friend and found herself excited to get to Dominick’s to show him all the purchases.

  When Toni pulled up in front of his place, she put the car in park and they sat in silence for a moment. After a moment, she was pulled into a tight hug before Toni spoke quietly in her ear.

  “Listen, I know bad things have happened to you…but I want you to know I’m truly here for you. You’re not alone anymore. You’re amazing, girlfriend. Have fun with your man candy, and know I’m totally jealous of you right now.”

  Jessie pulled away, smiling, happy to have a friend, a female friend. She knew she relied on Dominick a lot, and was pleased that she was starting to find a path for herself on her own. Things really were getting better, and the thought didn’t inspire as much guilt as it once would have – instead, it filled her with hope that she wouldn’t always be so ruined. She didn’t expect to be completely whole again…but it was a step in the right direction.

  Exiting the car, she turned to wave at her friend before scooping her bags up and making her inside Dominick’s home. He’d given her a key about two weeks ago, a thought that still gave her butterflies.