A Little Broken

by Juli Valenti

  She stared at the paper in her lap, still taunting her in its blanknesss. Jessie wasn’t being successful in this, and she had to leave to make her appointment on time. Sighing, she stood and stretched her sore muscles. I need to buy some furniture, she thought glumly, knowing that she was sore from spending so much time on the floor. Decided to stop after her appointment, she grabbed her keys and her purse from the kitchen counter. Glancing back at her sad little apartment, she shook her head, and walked out into the bright sunshine.

  ***

  “Hello, you must be Jessie – come on back,” a kindly middle-aged woman motioned her, and Jessie followed her down the hallway and into a neatly organized, yet small, room. “I’m Mary.”

  “Oh…hi,” Jessie said. Mary wasn’t what she had expected – she had expected some business-suit-wearing shrink with a clipboard, not the Bohemian-styled woman in her swishy skirt and peasant top, large earrings dangling from her ears, and her pleasant smile.

  “I know, I know.” Mary smiled as she closed the door. “I’m not what you expected… Don’t worry, you won’t find a leather couch here either.”

  Jessie couldn’t help the lifting at the corner of her mouth. Maybe this would be okay after all, if she got to speak with Mary. The atmosphere was also light, which helped her to relax a little bit. The room sort of reminded her of Dominick’s reading nook – the colors of the room were different, but there were bookshelves lining the wall, full of varying titles. A couch rested on one side, a comfortable-looking chair sitting cater-corner to it, with a glossy wooden table between the two.

  “Would you like a water before we start?” Mary asked her, snapping her out of her mental evaluation of the room.

  “Sure, that would be fine,” she responded, her eyes still roaming the room. She took her place on the soft couch, breathing deeply. She could do this, she had to do this. Rubbing her eyes, she thought of the reflection of herself she had seen in the mirror. She didn’t want to be that girl, and if this meant that she wouldn’t be, then so be it.

  “Here you go.” Mary handed her a bottle of water and settled herself in the other chair, looking hopeful at Jessie. “You ready?” Jessie nodded, inhaling loudly.

  “Okay. You said on the phone that you have dreams… Today, we’re going to focus on that.”

  Jessie’s eyes snapped up to meet Mary’s. That was not where she had assumed they would start and she was confused. At the look, her therapist smiled gently.

  “Jessie, I’m sure you think and debate the circumstances every day about the loss you’ve endured… There’s nothing I can say, or even you can talk about, that will change any of it. You already know those details, you have the memories. I know you’ve evaluated them, scrutinized them, and you are probably tired of discussing and thinking of the same things. We’ll get to it eventually…but right now I’d like to focus on the most immediate problem – something we can actually improve, alter, or even change outright. We can’t change the past, hun.”

  All of Jessie’s worries and hesitation about getting help vanished. Mary was right; she’d thought about those moments every day since they’d happened and she had been skeptical about possibly discussing them, again, and not being able to do anything to change them. There was no changing, no going back, and she had finally accepted that.

  “Thank you for that,” she answered, keeping her voice soft.

  “So, about these dreams?”

  “Um…I lost my son to SIDS, and found him in his crib. I hadn’t assumed anything was wrong by him sleeping later, and when I went in, he wasn’t actually sleeping. Now,” she paused, gathering herself, “whereas before I was having nightmares of that day, the dreams are morphing.”

  “How are they morphing?” Mary asked her, not rushing her.

  “They’ve changed. Now, instead of being of my son, the person I find gone in their sleep is…Dominick.” Her voice was a cracking whisper, pained and hurt.

  “Dominick is the new man in your life, correct?” When she nodded, Mary continued, “Well, that’s not a hard leap for your dreams to take. I’m assuming, and correct me if I’m wrong, that you have very strong feelings for this man. That being said, you loved your baby, probably more than yourself, so having lost him, made your heart fragile. Having strong feelings for someone else right now, has made your heart go from fragile to paper thin – you, more than most, know how quickly you can lose them. Your subconscious is terrified of losing this Dominick, but you already know that. Here, we’ll discuss ways to deal with these dreams, these fears, and go from there – how does that sound?”

  Jessie nodded. Mary was right, she knew how quickly you could lose someone you loved. It happened in a heartbeat, a breath of time. She had already known why her dreams had morphed; she just couldn’t get past the crippling feelings every time she woke and feared that he was gone.

  “Good...I mean, it sounds good…But, I have a question…” she trailed off, trying to gather her thoughts. “I’ve spent the last two nights away from him, and haven’t had the dream… Why is that?”

  Mary smiled gently. “I can’t tell you definitively, but I would say that it’s because not only is your biggest fear right now him leaving you in his sleep…but also finding him as such. Your subconscious knows when he’s near, marking it as a possibility. When you’re alone, you internally relax, knowing there’s no change to find him the way you fear.”

  Man, she’s smart, Jessie thought to herself, feeling slightly less crazy.

  “So I’m not crazy?” Jessie asked, her voice small in the quiet room.

  “No, Jessie, you’re not crazy – far from it. Crazy people often don’t know they’ve got a problem. Though reluctant to admit it, you know you have issues that you can’t deal with on your own – which is why you’re here. You’re just a little broken, but you’ll make it.”

  Smiling at her description of her, exactly as Dominick had concluded, Jessie relaxed further. This was going to work out. She could feel the weight being lifted from her shoulders, and she settled into the couch, determined to work through her problems.

  ***

  The hour passed quickly, not seeming long enough for all the things Jessie had, and needed, to say. When she’d told Mary this, she’d merely laughed and made another appointment for her in two weeks – reminding her to keep trying to write the letter she’d given her as homework. She had nodded, telling her she’d try, though it was a long shot. That letter, she wasn’t ready to face just yet; the dreams and how to deal with them, yes…but her thoughts and opinions and words to her son, no.

  Leaving the office, she walked in the direction of her house, but was surprised when she found herself in front of the diner. She was hungry, she knew, and she hesitated only for a moment before entering and taking a seat at the long bar. Toni waved to her from her section across the way, and she smiled in return.

  “Well, well, lookie what the cat dragged in,” her boss’s cheerful voice came from the other side of the counter, and she looked up, returning his smile.

  “Hey, Mr. C,” she said, truly pleased to see him.

  “This business or pleasure?” he asked her, his eyes peering intently at her.

  “Pleasure, I’m starving… Can you help a girl out?”

  “Hmm…all this food and not a drop to eat,” he said teasingly before turning to the cook window, shouting an order for her. She heard him ask for the same omelet she’d had days before, and her mood brightened more. She felt surprisingly good; they always said that talking was soothing for the soul, and for the first time she agreed.

  “Mmm, thank you,” she said, her mouth watering from the smells of food in the room.

  “You’re welcome,” he answered her. “So, Jessie-girl…how are you doing? I’m not prying, mind you, just worried…consider me an uncle figure, if you will. You’re family here, you know.”

  “I’m…” she hesitated, choosing her words carefully. “I’m a little lost…but I’m trying to find myself, if that makes
any sense? I found…someone… to talk to, which wasn’t as bad as I had thought it would be.” She knew that he would tell Dominick, and she didn’t mind if he found out. He would sooner or later anyway. She was guessing that it wouldn’t take very long before he went and magically got a key to her apartment and ambushed her – he was just being patient. Jessie had learned that what Dominick wanted, he got, and figured that this brief time of avoiding him was fleeting.

  “Good to hear! We miss you around here,” Mr. C. started.

  “It’s only been two days!” she interrupted him, laughing at the indignant look on his face.

  “Yeah…well, two days without Jessie, is like two days without the sun.” He winked at her as he grabbed her food from the window and placed it in front of her. “Just ask that nephew of mine…I’ve got to warn you, he’s on a rampage right now. He’s really worried, Jessie. I had to tell him you called just so he’d stop ranting about you being in a ditch somewhere.”

  She warmed at the slight reproach in his words, as well as the slight embarrassment she felt. She didn’t mean to make him worry she’d gotten hurt – she just wasn’t ready to face him. Jessie sighed before looking up from her plate.

  “I’m sorry, Mr. Castellanos, really, I am…I didn’t mean to make him worry that much – I’m just...I don’t know. I’m confused, and hurt, and lost.” Her boss put a hand up to stop her.

  “I know, dear, that’s just my nephew. He’s in love with you and you should know by now that he doesn’t give up easily. I’m sure whatever happened between you will get worked out – you both just need some time to deal with it, no worries.”

  Jessie nodded and took a bite of her food, reveling in the deliciousness of it on her tongue. In her few days’ hiatus, she hadn’t taken the time to really eat – with only saltines in her cupboard, she didn’t have much of a choice – and she was famished. Perhaps I should hit a grocery store as well, she thought dryly.

  “Can I ask you a question?” Mr. C asked her, pulling her gaze up from her now half-eaten plate.

  “Sure,” she said, stuffing another mouthful of fluffy egg into her mouth.

  “I know it’s none of my business, but I have to know. Dominick said you told him you loved him… Did you mean it?” The soft words were not what she was expecting from her normally rambunctious boss – she’d heard a lot from him in the time she’d known him, but she’d never heard him sound so meek, timid even. Surprised, she put her fork down and really looked at him. She could see strain at the corners of his eyes and she realized he wasn’t asking out of idle curiosity. He seemed to really want to know.

  Instead of answering, Jessie hesitated, weighing her response. She knew that she loved him with every part of her that was capable of such emotion. She knew that Dominick deserved to be told right – in a real setting, and not in the middle of the fight – and she warred with herself on how to answer his uncle. She decided to go with the truth. Mr. Castellanos needed to know as well.

  “Yes, I do,” she replied sincerely. It was ironic, that when she’d married Ryan she had thought she really loved him…how little she’d really known about love, and life. Now she knew that the ‘love’ she’d felt for her ex-husband had merely been a young love; puppy love, her mom used to call it. She groaned inwardly, her mom was right – she hated that. “I’ve never felt the way I do for your nephew, sir, and not being with him hurts.” She hadn’t meant to add the last but, since it was true, she didn’t try to take them back.

  “I understand. I’m glad to hear that…you know you need to tell him, right? I don’t like sticking my nose where it isn’t welcome – okay, okay, I know I do it often – but I love that boy like he was my own, and he’s hurting too. You do what you need to, just don’t keep him hanging for too long.”

  Jessie nodded, knowing he was right. She couldn’t just not tell Dominick; yet, at the same time, she was still nursing her wounded pride. It hurt to hear that he thought she needed help, even if it had been true. She didn’t want a man who wanted her to change. Realistically she knew that wasn’t what he’d intended, but that was how her wounded heart had heard him.

  She reached for another bite only to find her plate wiped clean. She stared at it for a moment before meeting Mr. C’s eyes once more.

  “I will… I just, have things to do before I can,” she told him, standing and grabbing for her purse, searching for her money.

  Her boss waved his hand. “Your money is no good here, Jessie-girl. You go do what you need to do – give me a call when you’re ready to be put back on rotation – you always have a place here.”

  Jessie smiled and nodded, and left her second home – waving to Toni as she left.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Jessie walked with no real destination in mind. She had her pad of paper and pen in her bag, determined to figure out the words to say to finish her therapist’s assignment. She owed it to herself, and to her son, to write this, and she was going to get it done.

  Finding herself in an expanse of green in the middle of a park, she decided it would do. The location seemed serene, a large circle of green as big as a football field with trees along the edge. Only the small pathway she’d taken into it marred the perfection of the area, and there was no traffic to be seen or heard. She was completely alone in the area, with the sun shining halo-like in the area, giving it a serene quality.

  Kneeling in the soft grass, Jessie pulled the items out of her bag, fanning it out in front of her. The grass was soft under her bare legs when she sat and she idly checked to be sure she wasn’t sitting in one of Florida’s famous ant hill areas – those red ants would eat her alive faster than she could say ‘bite me.’ Luckily, she saw none around her. Inspection complete, she opened her notebook, grabbed her pen and started to write.

  Dearest child,

  It’s your mommy. I know it’s been a long time now; you probably don’t even remember me, but I remember you. I remember the moment I discovered I was pregnant with you – that was the first day I was no longer just me, just Jessie. That was the moment I became a mother. The months after, you grew inside me and the first movement I felt from you was your tiny hiccups, bouncing in my belly – you’d get them and keep them for hours! There were days that you drove me crazy with them! I wish I’d cherished that moment then – at the time I knew there was so much more in store for the two of us.

  You were very comfortable inside me…do you remember? You didn’t want to leave the warmth of your mommy – they were even talking about forcing you to come out! I think you heard them, because the day before they had planned to do just that, you made your entrance into the world. You were so beautiful – even covered in the debris of your first world, you were beautiful to me. You had a full head of hair; your eyes were so light blue, just like mine. I had always assumed that you would have your father’s dark eyes and I wanted to cry seeing my own reflected in your darling face. You only cried for a minute before they gave you to me. Did you know who I was? You seemed to…you stopped crying the moment you saw my face. I remember talking to you, telling you just how happy I was to see you. I thanked you, for choosing me to be your mommy. I was never more blessed than I was in that single moment. Every decision I’d ever made, good or bad, brought me to that second in time, and every choice had been worth it.

  I didn’t get to hold you for as long as I wanted – they wanted to take you and make sure your oxygen was good, so you went down to the baby nursery for a while. I called every five minutes to check on you, did you know that? I was so upset to not have you; I felt empty without you, even for such a short period of time. When you were brought back to me, I was told all the nurses were in love with you. You were such a charmer! The nurses fought over who would come and check on you regularly and all mommy could do was laugh. I knew I was in for big trouble as you got older! I could already hear the little girls knocking on our door looking for you!

  I took so many pictures of you, documenting your life to the best I could. Ever
ything you did was so cute to me. There were so many nights that I would just hold you, despite everyone telling me you needed to sleep in your crib, so I could stare at you. I couldn’t believe that you were real, so perfect in my arms. We did everything together; you were my Little Mister. You still are, even though you’re not here with me.

  My heart hurts without you. Even now as I write this, the writing is smearing from my falling tears. I held you for such a short amount of time, but you will hold me for the rest of my life. There’s this giant hole in myself that can’t, and probably won’t, ever be filled. I’m sorry I left and can’t visit you. I know you’re not there – I pray you’re somewhere fitting to such a miracle. I hope you’re happy, and that you look at me from time to time, just to check on me. I think these things to console myself. I even know I don’t cry for you, I cry for myself. You’re feeling no pain, no sorrow or sadness...it’s me who’s been left completely ruined without you.

  Like I said, I left our hometown. I moved to Florida. God, baby boy, you would love it here. There is no cold. Even as I write this to you it’s almost February and I’m outside in the beautiful sunshine in the middle of a quiet park. I wish I could take you here. Can you see me from where you are?

  Mommy is trying to move on. Mommy is trying to live. I crossed out that I’m trying to move on, because I know I’m not. I won’t ever be able to ‘move on,’ but I’m learning to live again. I’m learning to love again. Mommy met a man. His name is Dominick. Little Mister, how I wish he had been your daddy to begin with – he’s such a kind and gentle man. He would’ve been so good to you before you had to leave us. I’ve told him about you – not a lot of the details, but what I could get out. He knows of you though, and, to me, that’s what counts. I’m so afraid that everyone will forget about you…that me learning to live again, will make me forget about you. I can’t lose you again, it would be too much for this tired mommy to bear.