The Thubway Tham Megapack

by Johnston McCulley

  Shifty even worked, had a certain job, so that he could not be placed in durance vile on a charge of having no visible means of support. Thubway Tham admired Shifty Shane in a way, as one king might admire another. They both were “getting away with it,” for Thubway Tham had aroused the police department to such an extent that a special detective, Craddock by name, had been detailed to watch him.

  So, upon this memorable day, Thub­way Tham and Shifty Shane held con­versation in the rear of a little, greasy restaurant where they had been eating the morning meal. There being nobody else in the immediate vicinity, the talk turned to professional matters. Thub­way Tham related how he had fooled Detective Craddock and had plucked a fat wallet from the pocket of a man in a subway train. Shifty Shane mod­estly admitted that he was sole author and executor of a particularly notorious holdup that had been detailed at length in the public press.

  Following these tales, Thubway Tham and Shifty Shane began consid­ering their different branches of crime, each contending that his was by far the superior and called for the greater skill.

  “Why, you thilly ath!” Thubway Tham made bold to exclaim. “You would not latht ath long ath a thnowball in a furnathe if you tried my game! You would have about ath much chance of gettin’ away with it ath a white blackbird eatin’ a red-hot thnowball and freethin’ to death! It taketh thkill, you thimp! A man hath to have trained handth. Thee?”

  “Like that, huh?” inquired Shifty Shane. “And I suppose, Tham, old scout, that you imagine a holdup man has a cinch.”

  “Of courthe he hath!” Tham told him. “He thtepth from behind thomething and poketh a gun in the fathe of a man and goeth through him before the thimp getth over bein’ thcared. I don’t uthe a gun, I uthe thkill only. Thkill and thienthe! That ith me!”

  “I could pick pockets all day long and get away with it. I think it’s a woman’s work, if you ask me,” Shifty Shane re­marked, sitting closer to the table.

  “I am not athkin’ you,” said Thub­way Tham, “but it ith not woman’th work, jutht the thame. A dip mutht know how to read men. He mutht not pick a man who ith tho nervouthe that he ith alwayth lookin’ for thomething to happen. He mutht be thure that no­body elthe theeth him work, and when he doeth work he mutht do it mighty quick.”

  “But it don’t take any nerve,” Shifty Shane objected. “And it does take nerve to poke a gun into a man’s face and make him elevate his paws. You never know what the simp is going to do. He might wilt, and again he might come up shootin’. A scared man is liable to do anything. I know what I’m talkin’ about; Tham. I’ve had a few close calls.”

  “Maybe tho,”’ Tham said. “But I don’t think much of the game. It doeth not call for thkill and thienthe.”

  “Well, it calls for nerve, believe me,” Shifty Shane repeated. “It calls for more nerve than dippin’ a hand into a gent’s pocket, and don’t you forget it.”

  “It ith nothin’ to hold up a man,” Tham declared.

  “I suppose you think you could do it.”

  “Hold up a man? It ith about the eathietht thing I know,” Tham told him. “It ith like takin’ candy from a baby.”

  “Oh, is that so?” retorted Shifty Shane with a sneer.

  “Thertainly it ith tho!” said Tham.

  “And you could do it?”

  “Eathy!”

  “I’ve got a hundred dollars you can’t,” Shifty Shane replied, bending over the table. “I’ve got a little hun­dred in my kick right now, old boy, that I gathered in night before last from a gentleman who had stayed out too late and was weaving his way home about three in the morning. I’m will­ing to bet that little hundred, you poor dip, that you can’t go out tonight and pull off a holdup and get away with it. And if you don’t make the bet you’re a bluff!”

  “Well, my goodneth!” Tham ex­claimed. “I thertainly don’t know any eathier way of rnakin’ a hundred dollarth. You mutht want to get rid of that money mighty bad.”

  “Yes?”

  “Yeth!” said Thubway Tham. “You jutht tell me all about thith bet. Underthand?”

  “You got a mask and a gun?”

  “Good heaventh, no!” said Thubway Tham. “I don’t uthe them in my buthimeth.”

  “Well, I’ll lend ’em to you,” said Shifty Shane. “And I’ll trot along be­hind and watch you do the work. But I’m tellin’ you right now that you’ll probably either be shot or taken to the jug.”

  “Yeth?”

  “Yes. You’ll find out, old boy, that a holdup is no cinch. It takes nerve.”

  “You thaid that before,” Tham re­minded him. “Nerve ith my middle name.”

  “Then we make the bet?”

  “Yeth,” said Thubway Tham. “You may kith that hundred dollarth fare­well, Thifty Thane.”

  II.

  Minor details being settled, Thub­way Tham and Shifty Shane parted, walking in opposite directions after they left the restaurant, both know­ing that it would do them no particular good to have some police officer see them to­gether.

  Thubway Tham had been brave dur­ing the discussion, but he did not feel so brave now. It was the newness of the thing that bothered him; he never had held up a man before. But he tried to tell himself that he could do anything Shifty Shane could do, and also that he wanted to win that hundred dollars. Tham’s funds were not so ample that he could afford to toss a hundred up in the air and not even look to see where the wind blew it.

  So Tham determined to go through with the business and trust to luck. It had been a fool bet, he told himself, but he could not afford to back out now. And, whether he won or lost, he would make another bet of the same amount—that Shifty Shane could not pick a pocket and get away with the swag.

  He would force Shifty Shane to agree, or term him a bluff.

  Turning a corner, Thubway Tham came face to face with Detective Craddock.

  “If it isn’t my old friend, Tham!” Craddock exclaimed.

  “My goodneth!” Tham retorted. “Jutht ath I wath feelin’ extra good, I thee your ugly fathe! There ith no joy in life any more.”

  “How is everything, Tham?”

  “Everything wath fine until I thaw you!”

  “Been gathering in any wallets lately?”

  “Thay!” Tham exclaimed. “That ith no way to talk. Jutht becauthe onthe I wath thent up for pickin’ a pocket—”

  “Lay off the comedy, Tham. I guess that we understand each other,” Crad­dock told him. “Are you thinking of taking a little ride in our subway to­day?”

  “Thuppothe I am?”

  “In which case, Tham, I’ll be com­pelled to trot right along with you and see what you do,” Craddock told him. “Several peevish gentlemen have vis­ited police headquarters recently to re­late that their wallets have been stolen while they were riding in the subway.”

  “Why pick on me?” Tham asked. “You may thearth me—”

  “A fat lot of good that would do me!” said Detective Craddock. “But, as I have told you a couple of hundred times, I am going to get you one of these fine days, old boy, and I am going to get you right, catch you with the goods, and have the pleasure of hear­ing some judge remark that you are to be incarcerated for about eight years.”

  “Yeth?”

  “Yes!” said Craddock. “You have been a lucky bird, Tham, old boy, but one of these days you are going to make a slip, and then it will be cur­tains for you.”

  “If I made a thlip right in front of your nothe, you thilly ath, you couldn’t thee it!” Tham told him angrily. “All you do ith jutht pethter the life out of me. Every time thomebody lotheth hith roll in the thubway, you blame me.”

  “Naturally,” Craddock said.

  “And it ith not right! Am I the only man in thith town?”

  “The only one, so far as we know, who makes a specialty of lifting wallets in the subway,” Craddock answered.

  “There may be thome thingth,” re­marked Thubway Tham, “that you do not know.”

  “
No doubt, no doubt—but I know a few,” Craddock retorted. “How about it? You going to take a little subway ride?”

  “Look at me and thee,” Tham told him.

  He turned his back upon the grinning detective and walked up the street. He stepped out rapidly, darting cleverly through the crowd, and Craddock was forced to use all his ingenuity to keep him in sight. That made the detective feel certain that Tham intended to dodge him and dart into some subway entrance.

  But Tham, it appeared, was in no great hurry to do so. He walked north as far as Union Square, and looked at the big battleship replica there as if he never had seen it before. He entered a cigar store and purchased some ciga­rettes, and lighted one and walked on up the street. Now and then he turned into some cross street and journeyed a block or so, and always Craddock fol­lowed, knowing full well that Thubway Tham was trying to make him angry. Craddock knew that, in a game of wits, the man who grows angry is lost, so he fought against his rising temper.

  Finally Tham did enter the subway, and caught a train for downtown. Craddock got into the same car, but Tham made no attempt to steal a purse. Far downtown he left the train and went to one of his pet haunts, where he sat down at a table in the rear of the room. Then he looked up at Crad­dock and grinned.

  “I thrutht that you liked your exerthithe,” said Thubway Tham.

  “Never mind, Tham—I’ll get you yet!”

  “I have my doubtth,” Tham said. “I think you are wathtin’ time, if you athk me.”

  Craddock left the resort, and Tham, refusing to hold conversation with any of his acquaintances, sat at the table and thought of the bet he had made with Shifty Shane. Once more he told himself that he had been a fool to take up such a bet—and once more he re­peated that he could do anything a man like Shifty Shane could do.

  “It ith only a kid’th trick!” he told himself.’ “Thtickin’ gun in a man’th fathe ith no job for a thkillful gent. But I mutht go through with it now, I thuppothe.”

  He did not intend to ply his own trade in the subway that day. He had merely been playing with Detective Craddock. Tham intended to keep his nerves cool for the adventure of the night. He would hold up a man and win Shifty Shane’s hundred dollars, and then he would tease Shifty into betting a hundred that he could pick a pocket.

  Tham tried to remember to consider everything. He would not dress in the usual fashion, he decided; he would put on a dark suit of clothes and a dark cap. He would try to walk in a manner that was unusual to him. If his victim sent in a description to the police, Thubway Tham did not want that description to recall him to the minds of the detectives. It was bad enough, he decided, to be watched all the time as a pickpocket without getting notoriety as a possible holdup man, too.

  And then, there was his lisp. He would have to be very careful about that. It would “give him away” quicker than anything else; he didn’t want to run the chance of trying to con­vince the officers that somebody had lisped in imitation of him to cast sus­picion in his direction. The officers might not believe it.

  So he decided that he would use words that would not cause him to lisp. He could not even say “Hands up!” without lisping. He thought of several phrases that he would have to employ, and he invented some that would do. He decided, too, that he would speak in a low, gruff voice.

  “It ith goin’ to be a thinthe,” he told himself finally. “All the thame, it wath a foolith bet and I ain’t goin’ to ever make another like it. Life ith too thort!”

  He left the resort—to find that Craddock was standing on the corner, wait­ing for him.

  “Thay! Don’t you ever work?” Thubway Tham demanded. “You hang around me like a dog after a thteak. I theem to be mighty popular with you.”

  “You are, Tham, you are!” Detec­tive Craddock assured him. “I don’t know anybody I’d rather be around just now. I love to keep my eyes on you, Tham, old boy.”

  “Yeth?”

  “Yes, Tham, old scout. I have an ambition to gratify, you know; I want to see you sent up.”

  “If you live to thee that,” said Thub­way Tham, “you are goin’ to die at a ripe old age.”

  “So?”

  “Tho!” Tham exclaimed. “And now I don’t want you to pethter me any more. I am not goin’ into the thubway thith afternoon, if it ith any of your buthineth.”

  “Word of honor, Tham?” Craddock asked.

  “Yeth, thir!”

  “That satisfies me, Tham,” Craddock told him. “You may be a dip, but you always keep your word. I’m gratified, Tham. I’ve got some other business that needs my attention, and this will give me a chance to work at it.”

  Without another word, Detective Craddock turned around and started up the street. He was an officer of the law, and Thubway Tham was a former convict and a known pickpocket, but there was a certain code of honor be­tween them. They were playing a des­perate game, but they played it accord­ing to rules and regulations.

  And Craddock did have other busi­ness that required his attention. He had orders to investigate in a certain district where there had been many holdups recently!

  III.

  Having dined, Thubway Tham re­tired to the room he called home and dressed in a dark suit and put on a dark cap. Then he left the cheap lodg­ing house by means of the rear stairs, slipped through the dark alley until he reached the next street, glanced up and down to make sure that there was no officer in sight who knew him, and then hurried to a certain corner where he had a rendezvous with Shifty Shane.

  This rendezvous was some blocks away, and Thubway Tham had plenty of time to think while he walked.

  “There ith nothin’ to it!” he told himself. “I am jutht a bit nervouth becauthe it ith all tho new to me. It ith only a coward’th trick to hold up a man, and I thertainly can do it: I’ll thow thith Thifty Thane, and then I’ll thow him that my buthineth ith twithe arth hard. The thimp!”

  Shifty was waiting for him at the dark corner, and Thubway Tham fol­lowed him into an alley and down it until they came to a heap of old pack­ing cases.

  “I’m playing a square game with you, Tham, old scout, and I sincerely hope you won’t be shot or jugged,” Shifty Shane told him. “I’m goin’ to put you wise to the game as much as I can before you start out.”

  “Thankth,” Tham told him. “In the first place, Tham, always get the jump on your man. Be at him be­fore he knows there is anybody around, and jam the muzzle of your gat at him so that it will look as big as a cannon. Give him his orders and frisk him be­fore he gets over his scare. Then push him away from you, and make your getaway as good as you can.”

  “Thankth,” Tham said again. “That theemth like a lot of inthtruc­tion for thuch a little job.”

  “Don’t make the mistake of thinkin’ this is a little job, Tham. You’re goin’ up against a he-man’s game, remember. You’ll probably shiver in your shoes before you’re through.”

  “I don’t fancy I’ll thiver much,” Tham said. “You got that hundred with you?”

  “I’ve got it—don’t worry. But I’m not goin’ to pay it to you, Tham. Nope! I can tell right now from the way you’re actin’ that you’re goin’ to fall down, and fall down hard! You’re scared, boy—scared.”

  “Ith that tho?” Thubway Tham re­torted with a sneer. “It ith nothin’ to thcare a man to thtep from a dark thpot and jam a gun at another man. You’d know how to be thcared if you ever nipped a wallet in a jammed thubway car with a hundred perthonth lookin’ on.”

  “I could pick pockets from sunrise to sunset and never get a thrill,” de­clared Shifty Shane. “It’s an old woman’s game, always was and always will be.”

  “You,” Thubway Tham declared happily, “could not thnitch a thingle wallet and get away with it. And I’ve got a hundred dollarth that thayth you can’t.”

  “Who—me? If I was in that game I’d do all my day’s work before I went to breakfast,” Shifty said. “And I’d nick some real wallets, believe me—no small fry stuff.”
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  “I’ve got a hundred dollarth that thayth you can’t nick one,” Thubway Tham told him again. “I’ll make a bet, like you did with me. If you don’t make it, you’re a bluff. Thee?”

  “You’re on, old-timer,” Shifty Shane told him. “But one thing at a time. You’ve got a stunt to do tonight.”

  “You can try to nick that wallet durin’ ruth hour tomor­row,” Tham ex­plained. “I’ll do the thquare thing—put you withe to a lot about the game.”

  “Thanks, but I won’t need any in­formation,” Shifty said. “There’s nothing to know about a game like that. Come along, now, and let’s see how you can handle a he-man’s game.”

  Shifty Shane led the way down the semi-dark street, and Thubway Tham, on the opposite side, followed him half a block in the rear. They went through a district of cheap shops and ware­houses, and came to a residence sec­tion. Here were the homes of sub­stantial men who often loitered late in their officers to increase their in­comes.

  Shifty Shane stepped into the mouth of an alley, and Thubway Tham, mak­ing sure that he was not observed, fol­lowed him swiftly.

  “Right here is where I nipped a guy the other night,” Shifty Shane ex­plained. “You’ll notice that the light on the corner shines so that it is in your man’s eyes to a certain extent. Them little things count, Tham, in a game like this. Spot your guy as he comes along from the car line, step out and get the drop on him at just the right time, get it over with, make him move on, and then run through this dark alley. Understand?”

  “I grathp you,” said Tham.

  “We’ll walk through the alley now so you’ll be sure of your footin’. It’s a little early, anyway.”

  They walked through the alley and back again so that Thubway Tham knew the ground well and could make a swift getaway if it proved necessary. But Tham kept telling himself it would not be necessary at all. He was begin­ning to lose some of his fear.