Flying Free

by Abigail Davies

  He nods his head at him, clearly there are thoughts occupying him and turns to face me. “I’ll be back later. I need to...”

  “Okay,” I say, holding my hand out to him. “Thanks for this.”

  Shrugging, he shakes my hand. “I might be a hard ass and an asshole at times but seeing someone go through everything that she’s been through?” He shakes his head. “I have to help.”

  We watch as he walks away and then we both turn, walking back to Ava’s room and sitting, waiting for her to wake back up.

  “It’s fine, you’re safe now,” I hear in the distance.

  Shaking my head, I start to come around, the bright light in the room almost blinding me.

  “That’s it, slowly, take your time.”

  I go closer to the soothing voice, the baritone so familiar and comforting. Safe... it’s safe.

  My head is heavy and it takes all my effort just to lift it up, I clench my hands into fists, the tingling sensations slowly disappearing.

  Breathing in the sterile smell that only a hospital has, I start to realize where I am. It feels like I’ve been in this place forever and all I want is to go home. I open my eyes and they land on Daley where he’s holding my face gently in the palms of his hands.

  “Daley?” I ask, my voice nothing but a hoarse whisper.

  “Yeah.” He smiles. “You good?”

  “I... I think so,” I say, letting him help me sit up. “Was it bad?”

  He looks away, probably to the window where I know they’re watching. Elena and Corey haven’t left the hospital since I was brought in and although I really appreciate it, I hate them seeing me like this.

  I don’t want them to have to witness these episodes.

  “Nah, you’re getting better.”

  I get stuck in my memories and at first, I was in and out more times than I could count but now, it’s not as often.

  They all muddle together and one minute I’m sat talking to Corey and then the next I’m back in that room being whipped, then into the alley as I shoot the gun but they keep twisting and he always comes back, never dying.

  This last one, he turned the gun on me and shot me in the chest. The pain I felt was so real.

  Daley’s the only one who can bring me out of it or, at least, coach me through them. It’s always his voice that brings me back.

  Turning my head to the window, my eyes clash with Corey’s and I can see the worry in them. He looks so tired and I immediately feel guilty because I’ve done that to him.

  I want to open up to him, tell him everything that is going on in my head. I want to tell him what happened that night but each time I open my mouth to tell him nothing comes out.

  It’s like the words are there but my voice won’t allow me to say them.

  I fear him knowing everything. Last time, I didn’t have anything to lose because I didn’t have anything to begin with but this time, I have everything to lose and if I tell him what he did to me, the whole story, I know he won’t want me. He won’t see me as me anymore, he’ll see me as a victim and I don’t want to be that.

  I just want to be me, Ava.

  I swallow and thank Daley when he passes me a glass of water, gulping it down to relieve my dry throat. “When can I go home?” I ask, trying to hold back the tears that desperately want to break free.

  I don’t want to be in this place anymore, I want to be at home and I want to be able to sleep in my own bed. I want to be able to sit and stare at the wall in my own room and not worry about people watching me through a window.

  “I... err...” I see him tilt his head to the window and a couple of seconds later Corey comes in followed by Elena.

  “What’s happened?” Corey asks, his face panicked.

  He comes closer, his hand automatically finding mine and squeezing gently. “Hey,” I whisper, lifting my lips into a forced smile.

  “Hey, Birdie.”

  His eyes hold mine, there are so many emotions staring back at me that I have to look away briefly to center myself. “I want to go home.” I look back at him, begging him with my eyes.

  He tilts his head as he watches me and flicks his eyes to Daley.

  “We can get her out.” I turn to him just in time to see him pull his cell out.

  “Hey, honey,” Elena says softly, coming to stand on my other side. “How are you feeling?” Her hand reaches out to me but stops halfway, thinking better of it.

  “I’ll be better when I’m home,” I say on a huff. “This place stinks.” I shuffle in the bed. “I need a shower,” I say to no one in particular.

  “You had one this morning.” Corey smirks.

  I look away, not wanting to tell him that if I could shower every hour then I would. I’m dirty, so dirty, and I feel like I’ll never be clean again. It doesn’t matter how many times I scrub my skin or how red it becomes, I can still feel him on me, in me.

  “All set,” Daley announces, bouncing back into the room.

  I breathe a sigh of relief for the interruption and start to lift up out of the bed, ignoring all of their hands that are trying to help me.

  “I can do it,” I say, gritting my teeth and then closing my eyes. “Sorry,” I whisper, looking at all of them in turn. “I just really want to get out of here.”

  “Its fine, baby,” Corey says, picking up a bag off the chair and starting to put some of my clothes inside. “You go and get dressed, I’ll pack everything.”

  I take the clothes out of his outstretched hands, trying to smile back at him when he smiles at me but it takes so much energy and I know it looks forced.

  Locking the door to the bathroom behind me, I lean against it, needing some space. I know they’re all trying to help but all I really want right now is to be on my own, have some space and try to sort all of my warring thoughts out.

  My eyes flick to the shower cubicle and I’m stripping off the hospital issued gown and moving forward before it even registers, turning the knob and stepping under the cold water.

  I close my eyes and my hand reaches for the sponge and soap automatically.

  I scrub at my skin, feeling like it’s not coming clean, no matter how red it becomes. I get lost in my own head, gritting my teeth and scrubbing harder and harder.

  I jump when I hear a knock on the door and I turn the water off, stepping out of the cubicle and wrapping a towel around me.

  I turn so that my back is to the mirror, not wanting to look.

  I’m scared; scared to look at my own reflection in case I see something that I don’t want to see. I don’t want to look at the marks he left me with this time but most importantly, I don’t want to look into my eyes and see the broken me, again.

  “Ava, honey?”

  “One second,” I say as loud as I can, which isn’t loud at all as I quickly pull my clothes on.

  “Ready?” Elena asks when I open the door and step out.

  “Yeah.” I flick my eyes to Corey who’s watching me intently and then back to Elena. “Where am I going?”

  “It’s up to you, honey, you can come back to mine or go back to your apartment-”

  “Stay at mine,” Corey interrupts.

  I chew on my bottom lip and look away, not wanting to tell him that I really just want to be on my own.

  When I don’t answer either of them, he steps forward and cups my face in his hands, ignoring my flinch.

  “Don’t pull away from me,” he pleads. “We’re in this together. Me and You, remember?”

  “But-”

  “Nope.” He shakes his head vehemently and even steps closer, his body making me wince. “I’m not letting you pull away. I’ve waited two fuckin’ years for this and I’m not letting you go.”

  I stare into his eyes, my breath catching in my throat at what I see reflected back at me and I have no choice but to agree.

  If I need to fake it until I make it, then that’s what I’ll do.

  I don’t know what I expected when we came home because Ava was so hard to read w
hile she was in the hospital, she was stilted and stuck in her own head.

  Once we were back at the apartment, she seemed to settle down; she didn’t hide away like I thought she might. In fact, she was so normal that is was unnerving at times.

  Daley told me that I needed to be careful, to watch out for any signs that she was going into another episode but I ignored him, thinking I knew best.

  She was getting better; she even went out to the store yesterday.

  We were going to be fine, everything was fine.

  Rolling over, I stretch my arm out and crack my eyes open as I feel the cold empty space beside me. The bright red numbers on the alarm clock read just after two a.m. and I sit up, trying to work out where Ava is in the apartment.

  Hearing the water running, I lift up out of bed and stretch my arms over my head, padding down the hallway to the bathroom.

  “Ava?” I ask, knocking on the door lightly.

  I wait... and wait... and wait.

  When she doesn’t answer, I put my ear to the door.

  Her sobs are so guttural that it makes me rub at my chest, almost as if I can feel the physical pain.

  Pushing the door open slowly, I look inside the small space for her.

  “Corey?” she whispers, her voice so raw and broken that it guts me.

  Her knees are up to her chest as she sits in the tub with the spray from the shower washing over her. I can see where she’s rubbed her skin so much that in places it’s broken and bleeding.

  “Baby?” I move forward slowly, careful not to spook her.

  She shakes her head, another guttural sob coming out as she picks up the sponge and starts to scrub at her skin again. “I can’t get him off me!” she cries out.

  Stepping into the tub, I sit down and pull her back against my chest, wrapping my arms around her and covering her hand with mine, rocking us back and forth; trying to soothe her.

  “Let me,” I whisper into her ear once she’s calmed down a little, taking the sponge out of her hand and pumping some body wash onto it.

  I wash her, gently, careful not to aggravate the broken skin. I lather up the soap as I whisper into her ear that he’s gone, that I’m here and I’m not going nowhere.

  “He’s not.” She shakes her head, her sobs subsiding the longer I hold her. “He’ll always be right here.” She taps her head and turns her body to face me. “He took something from me, Corey, something I’m scared I’ll never get back.”

  I watch her, not knowing what to say or do. “Tell me,” I say, my voice hoarse. “Tell me what I can do to make it better.”

  “Get him off me,” she says, tears falling from her eyes and down her cheeks.

  Dropping the sponge at the bottom of the tub, I lift my hands to her face, swiping the tears away with my thumbs. “I have, baby. I’ve washed-”

  “No.” She shakes her head violently, hiccuping on a sob. “He’s still... there.”

  “What?” I ask, a frown on my face. “He’s still where?”

  I watch her neck move on a swallow as she turns away, focusing on a spot on the wall. “There,” she says, pointing between her legs.

  My body stiffens and I’m speechless. I know the silence isn’t what she wants but she hasn’t yet given a full statement because she can’t get through the whole thing without having an episode. Which means I still don’t know what happened in that alley.

  No one does.

  We keep getting bits and pieces from what she says when she’s in one of her episodes or from what she mentions in passing.

  My jaw clenches as I realize what she’s saying and I try to push all of my rage down but it’s hard. So fuckin’ hard.

  “Did he...” I grit out, not being able to say the rest.

  “He... he... he... only pushed it in once... that’s when I shot him.” She turns her head slightly towards me but doesn’t look me in the eyes.

  Placing my thumb and pointer finger on her chin, I turn her face to mine, resting my forehead against hers. “I can take him away,” I whisper.

  Her head moves against mine as she nods, her eyes falling closed. “Yeah,” she sobs, shifting closer to me. “Take it all away, Corey.”

  I grip her head in my hands and pull away, making sure she’s looking at me. “Are you sure you want to do this?” I run my hands down the side of her neck and down to her shoulders.

  “Yeah,” she whispers.

  I stand up, pulling her with me and step out of the tub, turning to quickly turn off the shower. Lifting her out, I hold her against my chest as she wraps her legs around me. She dips her head into my neck as I walk us to the bedroom and slam the door shut behind us.

  “I love you,” he whispers, his body covering mine as he thrusts inside me, his forehead against mine.

  I look into his eyes and swallow back the sob that wants to break free. It’s something I’ve never said but right now is the perfect time to say just how I feel.

  “I love you too,” I say back, my eyes closing as his body covers every inch of me. “So much,” I croak, the lump in my throat getting bigger.

  “You can fly now,” he whispers. “Fly free, Birdie, and wherever you fly, I’ll always follow.”

  I turn to face the hospital as a shiver rolls through me, remembering the last time I was here.

  I really don’t want to go back inside that place but I know I don’t have a choice. I need to get my last lot of blood results and then I can be done with it all. I won’t have to think about it ever again and with him gone for good, I can concentrate on building a life without having to worry about him breathing the same air as me.

  I push out of the car and meet Corey at the front, snuggling into his side as he pulls me closer.

  I walk slower, dragging my feet because I really don’t want to go back in there.

  “It’ll be fine,” Corey whispers in my ear. “We’ll be in and out in thirty minutes.”

  “Really?” I ask, pulling a face.

  “Yeah.” He chuckles. “Daley called in a favor, we should be able to go straight in.”

  He was right, we didn’t even sit down before I was called in to the doctor’s office.

  “How are you doing, Ava?” he asks once we’re sat down opposite him, his eyes flicking from me then back down to the folder that he’s opened.

  “Yeah, good,” I tell him, looking to Corey for confirmation. He smiles, squeezing my hand in reassurance.

  “Okay,” the doctor says, interlocking his hands and leaning on the desk. “All your results look normal.”

  I breathe a sigh of relief and turn to face Corey with an uncontrollable smile on my face.

  This is it now, I can move on and leave this all behind.

  I move to the edge of my chair, ready to get out of this place and start the rest of my life with Corey by my side.

  “There’s one more thing,” the doctor says, giving nothing away in his voice. “There is one result that came back positive.”

  I turn to face him fully, gripping onto Corey’s arm like my life depended on it.

  This is it, he’s given me some sort of disease. I knew things couldn’t just be plain sailing; something had to happen. What the hell am I going to do now?

  What if it’s something life threatening?

  “You’re pregnant.”

  My world stops. I don’t breathe and I don’t move. My heart thumps loudly in my chest and I’m sure that the whole hospital can hear it.

  How did this happen? More importantly...

  “How far gone am I?” I ask, barely audible.

  “According to your HCG levels, you’re about nine weeks along.” He smiles because he knows exactly what this means.

  Closing my eyes, my body sags in relief. If it had been his...

  The room is silent for several seconds before Corey whispers in a rough voice. “We’re having a baby?”

  I open my eyes and turn to face him with wide eyes, the smile on my face uncontrollable. “We’re having a baby.”

&n
bsp; Trying to keep this a secret as we go and visit Kay and Ty is a nightmare. I keep looking at Corey, seeing the excitement in his eyes and I just want to tell everybody.

  But we don’t, we said we would wait until Elena and Trevor’s anniversary dinner tonight so that we can tell them all at once.

  I still can’t believe that we’re actually having a baby. I mean, I’m kind of freaking out here. I’ve never changed a nappy in my life and just doing a quick Internet search on what I should be feeding the baby has blown my mind. Who knew there was such a big debate on breastfeeding?

  Then I start to worry about Corey being gone; what if he’s gone all the time and I end up being a single parent? Will things be worse when he’s gone? Will I worry more?

  My fingers itch to pull my cell out to start and make a list of everything we’re going to need. Crib, clothes, monitor-

  No, Ava. Stay calm, we have time for that.

  But do I? I mean, the next seven months could fly by and what if I’m not ready? What if we’re still in that little apartment, with no crib-

  “Stop,” Corey whispers, placing his hand over mine and giving it a gentle squeeze.

  “Stop what?” I frown, turning my head to face him.

  “Over thinking.”

  Kay comes into the living room with Eli following behind her and asks. “We all ready?”

  “Yep,” I say a little too loudly.

  She frowns at me and I try my hardest to keep a straight face. Don’t give anything away, stay calm, be normal.

  My nerves are going haywire as we drive to Elena and Trevor’s. As soon as we pull up next to their house and see Elena come out the front door, they’re even worse.

  “Come on, it’s fine. They’re going to be so happy, you’ll see.”

  “But, what if... what if they don’t think I’ll be a good mom?”

  Corey’s eyes become sad and he reaches over, cupping my face in his hands and his eyes not moving from mine.

  “You know... there’s no such thing as a perfect mom. All you need to do is try your best, you’re gonna be amazing, Ava. Don’t ever doubt that.”

  I blow out a big breath, causing his eyes to slam closed and I can’t help but chuckle at the face he makes.