Fever Pitch

by Ann Marie Frohoff

  She stalled, blinking twice. “Are you okay?”

  “Yes, Mom,” I growled. “I was watching YouTube. What is it? Shouldn’t you be sleeping?”

  She gave me a stern look to quit it with my attitude.

  “Mom, I’m sorry. I was just starting to nod off and you scared me. You’re usually asleep by now.”

  “I forgot to tell you that the doctor called and rescheduled your physical therapy appointment to five-thirty tomorrow. I’m leaving early in the morning and didn’t want to forget.”

  I sighed, leaning back into my pillows. “Ok. Thanks.” She eyeballed me a little longer, like she was about to call me out or something. Then she shut the door without another word. I opened my laptop and began to write Jake an email. I was too fearful that my mom was lingering at my door to try for another Skype session.

  Jake,

  OMG! I am soooo sorry. My mom came knocking at my door and I freaked out. I thought she heard us, but she didn’t. Thank God. I would have died. Ugh… you have no idea how bad I want February to be here. I think about you every moment of every day. I dream about what it’ll be like to feel you again. I can’t wait to kiss you. I can’t wait to feel your body against mine.

  Love you madly, Aly.

  I hit send and stared at my screen. I kept hitting the refresh button, hoping that he’d answer back right away. He finally did…fifteen minutes later.

  Hey Alycat – Oh man... I needed to cool off anyway ;) You have no idea how bad I want you. You really don’t. I don’t think words or songs or anything can truly describe my feelings for you. I have to show you, touch you...send me your flight info so I can pin it to my wall or somethin’.

  You’re my everything. J

  3

  A week later, I sat nervously at the kitchen counter, taking stealthy glances at my mom while she prepared dinner as I pretended to study. I’d decided to tell her first, to feel the whole thing out. Well, it wouldn’t be feeling it out. It would be going in the back door, avoiding my dad. I closed my Calculus book and pushed away from the counter.

  “Do you need any help?” I offered. My mom was cooking spaghetti sauce, with whole tomatoes that stewed all day. She’d gotten into cooking right around the time of my Jake meltdown. She was tediously chopping away at an onion, blinking and wiping away tears with the back of her hand. “Why do onions make you cry? I think it’s the craziest thing,” I said, feeling lame about making small talk.

  My mom stopped chopping and laid the knife down on her wooden cutting board, blinking three more times. “Alyssa, what is it that you want?” She turned and stepped to the sink, rinsing her hands under the water.

  I sighed and got light-headed. Here it goes. “I have to tell you something, and there’s no other way to say it, other than to just say it.”

  My mother turned ashen and looked like she was going to pass out. “Please don’t tell me you’re pregnant.” Her words rushed out so fast and urgent it took me a second to comprehend what she’d said.

  “No!” I practically screamed. My mother grabbed the kitchen counter to steady herself and I rushed to her side, grabbing her elbow. “Oh my God, Mom, no! That’s not it. I swear.”

  She gulped and closed her eyes. She was reacting this way because of my sister, Allison. My mom didn’t know that I knew my sister had gotten pregnant when she was still in high school and how it almost killed her. She didn’t know Allison told me in an attempt to dissuade me from dating Jake when I was a freshman, fearing history would repeat itself with me.

  My mother looked so much smaller than me in that instant. My heart cracked a little, knowing how much I’d put her through with the whole Jake thing. And now I was about to start again. I contemplated not going forward with telling her of my plans, but concluded I had to get it over with. I was nearly an adult, and needed to act like one.

  She shook her head and smiled at me softly, squeezing my hand. “Alyssa,” she said quietly and paused. Her mouth hinged open, about to say more.

  “Mom, I already know,” I blurted out. She just stared at me, unblinking, and her eyes began to pool with tears. “Hey, it’s nothing to get all emotional about, Mom. I’m a big girl and it was a long time ago. Allison told me years ago, and we don’t need to talk about it.” I wanted to make her feel better. “She’s about to graduate college, Kyle is practically married, and we’re all ok. Stop it,” I said, trying to reassure her that she’d done a great job raising all of us.

  She sighed deeply, nodding. “It’s my worst nightmare, Alyssa. I don’t know why Allison’s situation popped in my head. I guess it was your tone...and your approach.” She took a deep breath. “What is it that you wanted to say then?” She forced a happy face and patted my hand and released it.

  It was my turn to sigh in an attempt to exert my built up anxiety. “Well. Jake and I have been talking, for a while now…again.”

  She nodded at me in understanding and held my stare for a moment longer—she wasn’t surprised at all. Huh? “I kind of figured that because of the Jake updates.” She reached for her glass of wine and took a huge gulp. “And is he coming home soon?”

  You’re gonna only wish it was that simple, I thought. “And I’m planning on visiting him in London after my birthday.”

  Her eyebrows rose high on her forehead. “I see.” She knocked back the rest of her wine in an instant and licked her lips. Her eyes bounced around my face. “I’m not really sure what to say about this, Alyssa. Your father won’t be happy to hear this.”

  “Are you?”

  “No.”

  “Why does it bother you? I’m not going to ask for anything. I already bought my ticket.”

  “You’re going to miss school? And that’s okay? I don’t think that’s a wise idea.”

  “First of all, it’s our ski week. We don’t have school.” I announced. “And my grade point average is over a 4.0. I know what I’m doing.”

  “You’re going to have to tell your father this.”

  “Don’t worry. I will.”

  ***

  I roamed my room, stewing. Waiting for my father to get home. My nerves were prickling, and all I could do was pace back and forth in front of my closet mirrors. I kept glancing at myself, waiting for my reflection to tell me it was all gonna be okay. Why wouldn’t it be? There’s nothing wrong with this scenario. I was a great student. I had my choice of colleges to attend on a full ride scholarship. I’d held a part-time job and kept up with all the bullshit in my life. But still, I knew it wouldn’t be good enough. My father would still be disappointed that I wanted to be with Jake. No matter how successful Jake was, he wouldn’t be good enough for me…or him. Would Jake ever be?

  My hands went numb when I heard the deep tone of my father’s voice drum up the stairs and foyer walls. He was calling my name. I took a deep breath and stared at myself calmly in the mirror. Bending forward at the hip, I laid my palms flat on the floor, breathing in deeply. I stretched my arms out wide in a sun salutation, a basic yoga move. I did this three times before I walked down the stairs. Coming around the corner into the den, my father was bending over my mother, kissing her cheek. He didn’t hear me and I cleared my throat.

  He turned to face me. “Hello. Your mother says you have something to tell me.” He barely even looked at me. He removed his navy and light blue striped tie and walked to the fridge, taking out a Corona. No small talk, just straight to the point, so typical in his lawyerishness. I’m not sure why I expected anything different, but it burned me how he could be so affectionate to my mother and not at all to me. It was hard to believe that we were once so close. I was irritated that my mom decided to say something to him. Maybe I wanted to do this after dinner. I gave her an incredulous look, but she just turned away and continued doing whatever it was she was doing.

  “We can talk about it after dinner,” I offered.

  “Might as well do it now. She said it was important.”

  “It’s not important, Dad, it’s just something that’s g
oing to happen, and it doesn’t really have anything to do with you. I just wanted to let you know what my plans were.”

  “Right now is a better time than any.” He popped the top off his beer bottle and took a swig.

  “I’m going to see Jake a week after my birthday, in London.” Boop. No hemming or hawing. He wiped his mouth with the palm of his hand and nodded, his jaw jutted out.

  “Why do you think this is a good idea when you know how we feel about Jake…and you?”

  “That was a long time ago, and I’m going to be eighteen and moving out soon. And if you’d like me to move out now, I can, if that’ll make you feel better about my choices.” I couldn’t believe I said I’d move out! I thought of when Kyle had pulled the same thing. I glanced at my mom, and she was staring at me with a horrified look on her face. What the hell was I thinking? Holy shit! Did I mean it?

  “Alyssa Montgomery, I don’t think you mean what you’re saying. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves here.” My father walked over into the den and sat in his chair, blowing off my ridiculous offer. He obviously didn’t think I meant it, but I did. I seriously couldn’t wait to get out of there and start a life on my own.

  “Oh, Alyssa.” My mom practically wailed and turned away from me. I wondered if I was making her cry like Kyle did when he told her he was moving out, way back when, under similar circumstances.

  “You two need to stop this.” I said glancing back and forth at my parent’s. “It’s not like I killed someone and am going to jail for the rest of my life.” I huffed and sat down on the barstool next to the counter separating the den from the kitchen. “Dad, for your information, Jake is a very successful musician, if you didn’t realize. I mean he’s won all sorts of major awards. Like awards people would sell their souls for. He’s even been on the cover of Rolling Stone Magazine, for Christ’s sake!” I was nearly shouting now, trying to get my point across that Jake wasn’t some loser, out-of-work musician.

  “Alyssa, I’m very aware of what Jake is doing and his accomplishments. Your mother keeps me apprised of these things you share with her. I’m just surprised to hear you’re that involved with him again, and enough to make the decision to go visit him in London. I just don’t agree with it.”

  “You never agree with anything that doesn’t fit in your little box, Dad.”

  His nostrils flared at my back talk. I knew I was pushing it, but I didn’t care. I wanted to be treated like an adult. “Look, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to shout. This just brings back so many memories about how it used to be between all of us. It’s not the same. Jake is an adult now, and basically, so am I. I’m not some loser either, Dad. I have a plan, and I’m sticking to it. Jake is just an enhancement to my life, and he loves me.”

  “He loves you.” My dad’s brows knitted together and his words weren’t a question. “He loves you so much that he’s willing to tempt you into getting off track.” He said this under his breath, and shook his head in disappointment. My blood boiled at his unwillingness to see the situation for what it was. I don’t think he’d ever believe we were a good idea, ever.

  “This was my idea. He had nothing to do with it. He was as surprised as you. He was planning on waiting until I graduated to visit.”

  “But you wanted to push it, like you always do,” he said sarcastically.

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  My mother cleared her throat. “You two, can we please have a nice dinner? It’s ready, come sit down.” My mother’s voice was strained. Her eyes drooped with sadness.

  “I wanted to have a nice dinner, but you decided to tell Dad before I was ready.”

  “Alyssa Montgomery,” my grumbled, “have some respect.”

  I hopped off the stool. “Yes, sir.” I popped off again, giving him a salute. He walked closer to me, shaking his head, and I kind of felt defeated. Not that the situation would have changed my mind; it was just that nothing I did on my own was good enough in his eyes. “It’s a shame that every choice I make on my own is never good enough.”

  “Alyssa, you know how much we love you. We’re very proud of you. It’s a tough pill to swallow, knowing the history you have with Jake.”

  Later that night, I lay in my bed with a warm sensation running through me. For the first time in years, I felt complete. Surprisingly, my parents decided not to give me any more of a hard time about the Jake situation. Instead, my father took a different approach, treating me more like an adult, in a backhanded sorta way. He said he hoped I’d be happy with my choices and that he also hoped Jake would understand what was on the line for me. He hoped Jake wouldn’t hold me back.

  4

  The Christmas tree glowed brightly with the little white light bulbs I’d strung through its branches. It was 10 pm and a week before Christmas. The only reason we had a tree was because my brother Kyle drove me to get one. My parents were over having a real Christmas tree, and when my father brought out the dusty box from the garage with its tattered and faded picture of a fake tree on it, I cringed. I was so excited this Christmas, I wanted a real tree. I begged Kyle to go in with me to pay for it. I even offered to cook dinner for our family. It was my Christmas celebration. Almost like my coming out party. I hadn’t yet told my siblings that Jake and I were basically getting back together. My sister would shit a brick when she heard, though it wouldn’t be a surprise to my brother. I knew Jake had always kept up with me, through him.

  I stepped back from the tree to get a better look, making sure all the lights were perfectly placed before the decorations of colorful glass bulbs and meaningful ornaments went on. A rattle came at the door, someone jiggling the knob, then a soft knock. It must be Nicole. She’d sent a text earlier telling me she had something to show me, and that “I might wanna see it.”

  Nicole stood in my foyer, bundled up in an oversized cream-colored cable knit sweater, wearing Ugg Boots (typical California winter footwear). You would think it was snowing outside. A brisk 48 degrees was like snow, as far as us Southern Californians were concerned.

  “What up?” she whispered and looked around.

  “Nothin’,” I whispered back. I turned and stepped down into the living room area. Nicole followed me in.

  “Where is everyone?” she said softly as she plopped down onto the sofa. She hit the cushion with her fist. “Damn, this is hard.”

  I glanced at her and shrugged. “No one ever comes in here. I’m surprised it doesn’t have plastic covering it.” I half-laughed, amused at my remark. I looked back at the tree, trying to decide which decorations and box to start with. I looked back at her. “The units are upstairs already, and Allison is probably at her boyfriend’s. She might as well move in with him.” Nicole nodded, looking at me pensively. “What?” I said, throwing my arms out.

  “Dude, so don’t get mad at me for bringing this up. I’m only trying to protect you.”

  My stomach clenched into a ball. “What?” I asked again, more urgently.

  She took her laptop out of her bag and opened the lid. She sighed and looked at me sadly. My heart raced. I knew this was about Jake. “So you know how Nadine and I have been concerned about this girl he says isn’t his girlfriend. It just hasn’t sat right with us, especially me, Aly.”

  I was raging inside. Whatever it was she found out about Jake, I didn’t care. What I cared about was her trying to knock me down every chance she had. There was always some underlying tension with her. She always seemed to be pointing out my disadvantages, like a black widow enjoyed killing its mate.

  “Ok, spit it out then,” I said tersely, folding my arms.

  She leaned back tucking her blonde hair behind her ears, shaking her head at me. She tossed her hands in the air. “I mean, Aly, I’d want to know these things. Ok? I found a recent interview he did after a show just three weeks ago, and that girl was in the pictures with him. He was quoted saying my girlfriend, blah blah blah. He had his arm around her and everything.”

  Of course it made me want to throw up
, listening to this revelation, but who was I? I had a boyfriend, too, kind of. Nicole looked down at her screen and tapped away at the keys. I grappled with what to say to her. I wanted to punch her for being all up in my shit. Didn’t she have anything better to do than to worry about my life?

  “I’m quite aware of what’s out there, Nicole.” I really wasn’t, but she didn’t know that. “And who am I? I’ve been seeing Nathan on and off for a long time. You could say he’s my boyfriend, too.”

  “Puh-lease, Aly. Nathan’s just happy he’s going out with you. He knows you can’t commit. I bet you this Sophia chick has no idea. Guys are pigs.”

  I flashed back to the whole Rachel mess back when Jake and I first started seeing each other. He’d led Rachel on in order to avoid the confrontation about me. It wouldn’t surprise me if he were doing the same thing again.

  “Why do you even care? This trip is just to see what the possibilities are. We love each other. That doesn’t mean things are gonna work out. Love has never been our problem.”

  “I care because I don’t want to see my best friend throw her life away for some liar.”

  “He’s never lied to me.”

  “Sure. Whatever you say.” She rolled her eyes and I wanted to pummel her.

  “This is none of your business, Nicole,” I said bitterly.

  “I sent you the link to the article,” she said, ignoring me. “I just wanted you to be aware of what you’re getting yourself into. I would want you to do the same thing for me.” She closed the lid to her laptop and put it back in her bag. “I’m sorry if this upset you. I thought you’d be thankful.”

  ***

  I sat bitterly staring at the Christmas tree until my sister came home at nearly 1 in the morning. I was surprised to see her home on a Friday night. She walked through the door and her eyebrows rose. She was just as surprised to see me. She padded into the living room, taking off her red cashmere beanie, and threw it at me, giggling quietly.