What?
We nodded at each other. None of this was my business, and I decided not to ask any more questions, but Kate decided to do some asking. She asked about school and college as she finished off her wine and rearranged her utensils. Our short and burly waiter took Kate’s empty glass and she ordered another one.
“I’d like a glass too,” I piped to the waiter as he was walking away from our table. I didn’t look at Kate. I just smiled at the waiter, hoping he wouldn’t ID me. When our eyes met, Kate wore an incredulous grin, like, ‘no, you didn’t just do that.’ Um, yeah I did, I thought and took a piece of pumpernickel bread out of the basket in front of me. Kate cleared her throat, and finally the bomb dropped.
“How long have you and Jake been talking?”
Hold it together, Aly. “We’ve always talked, Kate.”
“Really? Jake never mentioned it.” She wasn’t being bitchy
I decided to just lay it all out there. The tension I was feeling was killing me. “Kate, I’m really nervous, sitting here with you.” I paused, gathering my thoughts. “I don’t know what to say, about Jake and I. We care about each other, still, after all this time. We’ve stayed in touch, and I decided to come for a visit for my birthday. It’s just that simple.”
The waiter placed our red wine glasses in front of us and I reached for mine right away, holding it up to Kate. She gave me a tight grin, and a chuckle was underneath it. “Cheers, my dear. Happy Birthday,” she said, taking her glass and clinking it against mine.
“Cheers.” I took a sip, though I wanted to gulp it down. I searched for Jake off in the distance; nothing. “I hope everything is alright.”
“I’m sure it is. You know how these things go.”
No, not really. “Yeah.” I bobbed my head.
Kate’s eyes searched mine. “So you said one of the schools you may attend is NYU?”
I gulped. “Yes, Jake wants me to attend NYU.” Shit, I shouldn’t have said anything, but why not? It was the truth.
“Jake wants you to attend NYU?” Skepticism dripped from her mouth.
Ugh.
“Yes, he does. It was his idea.” I sucked in a breath before telling the truth. “I’m not so sure about it though.”
Kate’s expression lightened. Really? Do you hate me that much that you don’t want me near your son? “Then don’t do it. Don’t do something that you have doubts about.”
“Jake doesn’t know that I’m having second thoughts. I just think, why not go to a school that’s offering me free ride, you know? It’d be so stupid to spend the money…”
“Indeed. Not wise at all,” she interrupted. I wouldn’t dare tell her that Jake was offering to pay my tuition; she’d probably eat me alive. Her eyes kept searching my face. “Aly, I know Jake is my son, and I want him to be happy. If he’s happy with you and you’re happy together, then so be it. If you have doubts, do yourself a favor and take your time to figure it out.” This time Kate took a huge gulp of her wine. At that same moment I finally spotted Jake off in the distance walking back towards us. “Don’t make the same mistakes I did.”
Mistakes? What? I didn’t have time to engage her further before Jake sat down next to me, taking my hand. Kate smiled caringly at me and then at Jake, not offering any words to bring Jake into our conversation. We were done. My mind struggled with the meaning of what she’d shared. I thought about Notting, knowing the comment must have been about her relationship with him. It just had to be. In that moment, I felt different about Kate, like we’d secretly bonded in some weird way.
15
The delights of the day ended twisted and strained. Jake was unusually quiet (and by that I mean mute), stuck in an agitated flux of grabbing the back of his neck. I don’t think he even realized he didn’t say one word the entire drive home. He played with the radio like it was a lifeline. I was caught up in my own vacuum of mental activity: Kate and Notting.
I reached over and rubbed Jake’s thigh as we parked in front of his home. He took my hand; still no words. As we walked through the door, he stopped and stared at me with slumped shoulders, shaking his head.
“Dump’s really sick. They think it might be Mono or something.”
“Who told you?”
“Bobby. Bobby was at Dump and Sienna’s place.” He sighed heavily and took off his scarf and coat, tossing it towards the sofa. It landed on the floor and he just stared at it. His mind was elsewhere.
I walked over and picked it up, glancing back at him. “What is it? There’s more?”
“Bobby said that Dump’s not been feeling well for a while, and wants to go back to New York if he doesn’t feel better in a few days. We’ll need to find a fill in for this next tour if that’s the case.”
My insides went cold, like I was a Grim Reaper. I felt as if I was always casting black veils over everyone in Jake’s life. Back then and now. Like nothing ever went right when I was around. Would he see it that way? Anxiety rose inside of me.
“I’m sorry.” I was dejected, and folded my gloved hands together.
“No, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that this is all goin’ down while you’re here.” Jake trudged toward the fireplace. “It’s fucking freezing in here.”
I’d not noticed. I was still wearing my coat, hat and scarf. I took off my gloves and walked to the wall thermostat, turning the heat on. Jake got the fire crackling and turned on music. I peeled off my coat and glanced at him. He was watching me with adoring eyes. A smile peeped at the sides of his mouth, easing a bit of the tension running through me.
“I feel bad.” What else was I gonna say?
“Me too. I feel bad because at first I was happy that he was sick so I could spend more time with you, now he’s really sick, and I feel like a dick.” He hung his head as he sat down. I walked over sitting on the sofa next to him. He grabbed my knee as if to get my attention. “Maybe we should just all go back now.” Trouble painted his face as he lay back, resting his head on the sofa’s arm. I scooted in closer, pulling at his legs for him to rest them over my thighs. “I know Dump’s gonna leave. Bobby said Sienna wants to go back and get him well. I can’t fight with that. He’ll listen to her.”
“What will you do?”
“I’ll have to meet with Notting tomorrow. I can’t let this sit. I’m sorry.”
Disappointment filled me, but I understood. “It’s okay.”
“How was it with Kate? I didn’t mean to leave you sitting there for so long.”
Zing.
I hedged and shrugged. Not wanting to divulge anything. “It was actually nice.”
“What? She didn’t give you the 3rd degree?” He laughed cynically. “I’m sorry.” He sat up, throwing his arm around my shoulders, pulling me to him.
“Don’t be sorry, geez.” I gave him a reassuring peck on the cheek.
“I guess it’s good that Notting’s arriving soon, since this Dump thing’s goin’ down.”
***
I never expected to be hanging out with Kate the day before I was to leave, but there I was, standing in the oldest church in London, at The Hallows by the Tower with Kate. It was founded in 675AD, and with all of its history the thing I found most interesting was that our sixth president of the United States, John Quincy Adams, was married there in 1797. Kate and I walked quietly through the halls and rooms, admiring the interiors. You could smell the history, musty and deep, reminding everyone who walked through the doors of all the humanity and death that rolled through there. People who were beheaded back in the day at Tower Hill were brought there for temporary burial. The thought of it made my hair stand up.
My thoughts danced between the history of London, the church where we stood, and Kate’s history. London is where it all started for her, Notting and Jake’s father. The pining inside me to know her story got the best of me.
“Kate?”
“Yes, dear.”
“Isn’t London where you met Jake’s dad?”
She didn’t look at me and remai
ned subdued, staring up at the massive brass organ pipes above us. Yikes! Maybe I shouldn’t have gone there. Shit.
She sighed heavily and blinked several times. “Yes…god, that was a lifetime ago.” She chuckled. “Maybe two.”
I nodded, smiling a fakely, and hurled out the next prying question. “Last night you said you’d made some mistakes. Care to elaborate?” I asked timidly. Boom. All I could do was stare at her with eager eyes, hoping she’d spill her guts. Why else would she have heeded those warnings last night?
She stared down at her hands and tucked her blond hair behind her ears. “Why don’t you check on Jake and see where he and Notting are at? Maybe we have time to grab a little drink.”
As I sent Jake a text, I prayed his response would be that they were still busy. “Jake didn’t want anyone to know I was here,” I admitted to her. “Baby steps, I guess.”
“The other boys don’t know you’re here?” She was surprised.
“No. Only my family knew I was coming.”
“I see.”
“We weren’t sure about us, you know. We both wanted to see if it would work.”
“Is it working?”
“Yes.” I smiled. “Other than the school thing I shared with you yesterday.”
Ping – Jake’s reply:
- WE’RE WITH DUMP. THEY’RE GOING BACK TO NEW YORK. I’LL CATCH YOU BACK AT HOME. I’M SORRY. LUV U.
My stomach tightened with uncertainty. What did that mean for Jake?
Kate and I made our way to a restaurant a few short blocks down. I tried to enjoy our stroll through the wintery streets, taking in the sights of the storefronts. Everything was in-the-olden-days quaint; one story, one door, with small, well-decorated windows. The ting of the bells on each door as they opened and closed played in my ears, and the happy faces, in spite of the severe cold (or so I thought was harsh), made me smile. I was at ease spending the afternoon with Kate and continued wondering what, if anything, she would share.
The warmth of the tavern encouraged us to remove our winter coats. The smell of food made my stomach growl. I was going to order a British staple, fish and chips. We sat and Kate ordered me a glass of chardonnay. I wasn’t fond of that type of wine, but I wasn’t going to argue. She was treating me like the new adult that I was, even though I still felt like I was in the 9th grade, hanging out with her. I shimmied my chair to a comfortable position and Kate watched me carefully, make me feel self-conscious.
I smiled awkwardly at her and played with the napkin that I’d placed in my lap. Ok, Kate, you wanted to come here, I thought. Spit it out.
“My mistakes are great, Alyssa.” She spoke softly, nodding, and moved the bread plate to her left. She rubbed at the white cloth that covered our table. “I’m sure I felt just like you when I was your age.” What? She wasn’t making any sense. She looked past me, as if seeing her younger self from afar. Her blue eyes dulled. “It was so long ago.” She shook her head, like she was saddened by all the lost years. I was engrossed and clutched the waded napkin that sat hidden in my lap. Her eyes roamed my face and she continued. “Don’t mind me for being vague, dear, but I’ve yet to process my reasons for coming here in the first place.”
“Don’t worry about it…”
“But I do.” She interrupted. “I do because I didn’t expect to see you here. I didn’t know that you and Jake have still been carrying on. Not that it matters anymore, I suppose.” She sighed with relief when the waitress finally delivered our wine. She took a long sip and I followed. The tart, cold liquid bit at my taste buds, making me smack my tongue against the roof of my mouth. Kate smiled, slightly amused.
“I’m sorry. I’m not used to drinking chardonnay. There’s something about it that makes me do that.” I shrugged, embarrassed.
She waved off my excuse and continued. “Go with your intuition, Alyssa. If something doesn’t feel right, it isn’t. You don’t want something to come back and bite you fifteen years….” She chuckled and her voice trailed off. “Or twenty years later.”
I stared at Kate, waiting for more. She hung her head and her lips began to tremble. She was holding back tears. Oh my God. I had no voice; nothing would come out. My heart began to thump harder in my chest. She took her napkin and dabbed her eyes dry.
“Kate...” She held up her hand to halt my words.
“This is not life or death, Alyssa, but it’s going to be life-changing for Jake.” She shook her head. “I just think…what have I done? I tried to make the right choices in life, and I should have gone with my gut.”
All I could do was nod like I understood, even though I was completely puzzled by her clouded revelations. “I’m sorry, Kate, but I don’t understand. You’re not giving me much.” I half-heartedly chuckled, yet reeled inside.
“I know, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything at all. Jake and I have a lot of mending to do, Alyssa, you know that. I have so much to be thankful for, but I also have much more accounting to do. I don’t think I deserve all my good fortune. Let’s put it that way.”
That was it on the subject, or non-subject. We made more small talk and I refrained from prying. I figured if Kate wanted me to know more, she would offer it up. Kate hailed a cab while I thought of Jake’s father and his affair. But why would she have to be accountable for that? Then I thought of Notting. Hmm. I couldn’t imagine what else could be so overwhelming that she’d feel compelled to fly here to talk to Jake face-to-face. It had to be that. Jake had shared everything with me about his family. There wasn’t anything else that was so scandalous. I couldn’t think straight, and before I knew it we were at her destination, The May Fair, and she made one last request of me before sending me on my way.
“Please don’t alarm Jake by revealing our discussions. He has enough to deal with now that Dump is leaving.”
“Don’t worry. I won’t,” I lied.
16
Jake came through the door at 5:55 pm, weary-eyed. He’d been with Dump and Notting all day. I hoped he was hungry, because I’d prepared dinner. He took a whiff, closing his eyes and smiled.
“Mmm. How did you know? I’m famished.” He looked drained, but wore a happy-to-be-home grin as he removed his coat. “What did you make?”
“Emily brought over a stuffed chicken dish, and I went to the market and grabbed some green beans and bread,” I said proudly with my hands on my hips. “The meal would be nothing without the green beans.”
I held my head high, pleased with myself like I’d slaved all day. He eyeballed me and his lips curled upward. “Come here.” He strode over, taking me snug against his chest, and breathed me in. Goosebumps instantly sprouted over my skin. “I missed you.”
I nuzzled his chest. “Ditto.” I ran my hand over his cheek. He was stubbly from not shaving. “I love you.”
His fingers combed through my hair. “I’m still not used to you saying that. You have to tell me more often.”
“Deal. I love you, I love you, I love you!” I chirped and kissed him.
I spun away and dimmed the lights. I placed Jake’s plate in front of him and tried not to blurt out what my day had included. As we quietly sat eating, I kept stealing glances at him, taking in every handsome, beautiful feature; his long eyelashes, his perfect jawline, his strong hands. I only had about twelve hours left with him and I felt paralyzed at the thought. While he kept stabbing at his food, one, two, three times before taking a bite, I hung on to the hope of our future. When my eyes went to him again, he was staring at me.
“Why are you so quiet?” He bumped my knee with his. “I know you’re dying to tell me about your day with my mom.”
“How do you know?” I challenged through a mouthful and swallowed.
“Seriously, how did it go?” Stab. Stab. Bite. My easy mood waned at his solemn tone.
I sat up taller. “Um. She came here to talk to you about something important. She didn’t tell me what it was, though, other than her admitting to making mistakes, like big, life-changing ones. Th
at was my impression. She was dead serious, too.”
He shook his head with disgust. “Typically cryptic. I seriously think she pulls this shit for attention.”
“Jake, you haven’t seen her in over a year,” I pointed out. “Why are you so angry?”
His ridged mood stalled and he shook his head. “I’m sorry.” He placed his fork down and rubbed my back, chewing. “The food’s really good,” he said, swallowing, giving me a Cheshire cat grin.
I leered at him.
“What? It is. The green beans and bread…the best! I swear.” He held up his hand for effect, wide-eyed.
I guffawed, but wanted to be mad and I shoved him. “Shut up!”
We laughed quietly a moment longer, but the weight of Kate’s mysterious visit and Dump’s situation pushed our amusement into the floor. I played with the food on my plate, thinking of where to take the conversation, but there wasn’t really anywhere to take it; Kate didn’t tell me anything. I could feel Jake’s eyes on me.
“How’s Dump?” I croaked out as I swallowed.
Jake sighed loudly and pushed away from the counter. He’d only eaten half his food. He reached over, uncorking a bottle of wine, and filled two glasses. “He looks fine, but feels like shit. He says he’s got no energy and’s sleepin’ all the time. Sienna’s worried about him and wants to go home.” He shrugged and guzzled the entire glass of wine.
“You’re supposed to sip that,” I said, stunned.
“I should be doin’ a lot of things.” His bitter tone poked me. He was being an asshole.
I grabbed my glass of wine and my plate and walked to the sink, turning on the water. Sip. Gulp. I watched the sink fill because the drain was clogged with all my bean sheerings. I glanced over my shoulder, and Jake had moved to the sofa and was drinking another glass of wine. Seeing him upset made me feel bad for being mad. I tried to understand his situation, but it was tough. It was so simple to me. All he had to do was talk to his mom and find a fill-in drummer. I mean how hard is that? Bands do that shit all the time, I know this because I read about it.
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