His Heart

by Claire Kingsley

  “That was why, apparently.” I’d known Charlie had planned to propose—I’d even gone with him to buy the ring—but he hadn’t filled me in on the details of when and how he was doing it.

  “She’s going to lose her mind,” Brooke said. “I’m so excited for them.”

  I started the car and pulled out of the parking lot. “Yeah, me too. Although does this mean I’ll have to wear a suit?”

  “Probably.” She looked me up and down and licked her lips. “Oh my god, I can’t wait. You’re going to look delicious in a suit.”

  I just laughed and handed her a lidded cup. “Here.”

  “Did you get me a milkshake?” she asked as she took it from me.

  I laughed. “Protein shake, baby. But I found a place that makes really good ones. Organic whey protein, low sugar, all the good stuff.”

  “Mm, healthy,” she said with a wink, then took a sip. “Oh, this is good. Chocolate peanut butter?”

  “Yep.”

  “Yum.”

  “I figured you could use some sustenance after your appointment,” I said. “How was it?”

  She took another drink, then set it in the cup holder. “Hard. Really hard, actually. We decided to stop early, and she gave me some time alone in her office. That’s why it took me a little while to come out. I needed to recover a bit.”

  Her therapist was amazing, but her sessions could be exhausting. She’d been going every week for months now, slowly working through all the trauma she’d experienced. It wasn’t always easy, but it was making a huge difference. Starting on the right medications had also helped her. It had taken a couple of months to get the dosages right, but they were another one of the tools she was using to get better.

  The bottom line, though? She was doing the work. I had her back every step of the way, but it was her strength shining through. Her joy sparkling in her eyes.

  I was just lucky enough to be the guy to enjoy it.

  “You can always take your time,” I said. “I don’t mind waiting if you need some space to process or whatever.”

  “Thanks,” she said. “Half an hour ago, I felt like crawling into bed and crying. But I wrote some things down and just kind of let myself feel it all for a while. I think I have to do that sometimes, instead of hiding from it. Even when it hurts.”

  I caressed her cheek with the backs of my fingers. “How are you now?”

  “Good,” she said, and by her tone I could tell that surprised her. “Really good, actually. I feel cleansed. Like I’m fresh and clean on the inside.”

  We stopped at a red light, so I leaned over and kissed her softly on the mouth. “Good.”

  “Thanks for picking me up today,” she said. “You didn’t have to. I could have taken the bus.”

  “I love it when I can come get you. But I’ve been thinking maybe it’s time to get you a car. You have enough going on, I think it would make things easier for you.”

  “Yeah, it would be nice,” she said.

  “And I know a guy who’ll give you a great deal.” I winked at her.

  She laughed. “Your dad has been waiting to get me into one of his cars, hasn’t he?”

  “Of course.” My parents had really come around. Once they’d gotten to know Brooke, they’d fallen in love with her, just like I had. I had failed to mention the part about me driving her to the edge of a cliff and telling her I’d go over it with her. That wasn’t something they needed to know.

  I hadn’t been lying to her that day. Taking her out to that quarry hadn’t been a ploy to scare her into changing. I’d been dead fucking serious. We were either going to live, or die, and we were going to do it together. Obviously, I was glad she’d chosen to live—and that she kept making that choice every day—but I would have gone out with her if that’s what it took. Did that make me crazy? Maybe. But it was all or nothing for me. I didn’t know any other way to be.

  “What do you say?” I asked. “Should we go to Waverly this weekend? You can let my dad give you the star treatment. He’ll make you test drive at least ten different cars, just to warn you. But the upside is, we can have dinner with them afterward. I bet if I ask nicely, my mom will make chicken Parmesan.”

  “I will test drive a hundred cars with your dad if I get to eat your mom’s chicken Parmesan.”

  “Cool. I’ll let them know.”

  “Yeah, but don’t text her,” Brooke said with a smile. “She might not read it until next week.”

  “I know,” I said. “I’ll call.”

  When we got home, I took her inside and gave her a long back rub. She deserved it. Plus, I’d take any excuse to get my hands on her bare skin. Afterward, we snuggled up in bed together and talked for a while. She had some things she needed to get out after her session earlier.

  Eventually my slow and gentle kisses, meant for comfort, escalated. Our bodies wanted more. We wanted more. I made love to her in our bed, tangled up in our sheets. I savored every touch, every kiss, every bit of her skin. Loved her in every way I knew how. She was my life.

  And soon—very soon—I was going to make sure the rest of our lives were lived together.

  41

  Brooke

  The bookstore was quiet. The rows of neat shelves arranged in precise order seemed to absorb sound. It was a hushed silence, like a field covered in fresh snow. Inviting, and peaceful. It smelled like books—paper, leather, and ink. A hint of coffee, and a breath of lavender.

  After the success of our first several readings and events, Joe had added more seating so we could accommodate larger crowds. A handful of people sat at the tables, books laid out in front of them. Some had coffee or tea. Star-shaped light fixtures dangled above the coffee counter, and framed prints of classic book covers decorated the walls. Strings of white lights hung around the perimeter, adding a touch of sparkle and magic.

  A muffled sound came from the back, like cardboard sliding across the floor. Probably Joe.

  I found him moving boxes of books from a recent shipment.

  “Hey,” I said. “Quiet afternoon?”

  “It’s probably the calm before the storm,” he said. “Although it was busy this morning.”

  That made me smile. Business had picked up considerably. Joe was still distracted—often reading while he was supposed to be doing something else—but the changes we’d made to the store had worked beautifully. People came in for more than books. They came for the ambience. It had become a popular hangout for college students, particularly the more literary-minded. Study groups met here, as did book clubs. There was even a knitting club who came once a month.

  People packed in for events. Author readings and book signings were popular. But open mic nights were the big hit. Joe had invested in a small sound system, and people loved taking the stage. And it wasn’t just students. The store drew in people from all over the community. Last week, we’d had readings from a college freshman with a blond ponytail, a middle-aged man in a suit and tie, a young guy as big as Sebastian wearing a football t-shirt, and an eighty-nine-year-old African-American man with a raspy voice and a knack for storytelling.

  “Do you need any help back here?” I asked. “Or should I go get things set up for tonight?”

  “I’m fine,” he said, pushing his glasses up his nose. “Just making a little room.”

  I went out front and took care of a few things. Waited on customers. Olivia came in and waved to me with a broad smile. Her pale pink shirt looked perfect with her blond hair, and I’d have to tell her later that her jeans made her ass look fabulous. She’d been lit up like the sun ever since Charlie had proposed. They were planning a destination wedding in the Caribbean next year. She’d already asked me to be her maid of honor, and I had absolutely no complaints about a tropical vacation to watch two of my best friends get married.

  Olivia wasn’t working tonight, but she checked in with the barista. She’d done an incredible job with the store. Not just reopening the coffee counter, but helping redecorate, and working
with me and Joe on promotions. She’d put together a whole new website and was handling all the store’s social media.

  Joe treated us both like granddaughters, and Olivia had already told him he had to fly down to her wedding—he didn’t have a choice. He acted like he wasn’t thrilled—he hated to fly—but we knew he was touched that she wanted him there.

  I was going to miss him when Sebastian and I moved next year. But we’d come back to visit. And who knew what the future held. Maybe we’d wind up back in Iowa someday. Right now, I was excited at the prospect of going somewhere new. It felt like an adventure. But I knew that ultimately, I wanted us to settle down. Find a place where we could put down roots and be a part of a community. Create a safe and stable home.

  Evening fell and the sun went down. I got the last of the things ready for open mic night as more people wandered in and the tables began to fill. Sebastian and Charlie arrived. They were both so big, they dwarfed everyone around them. It was even more noticeable when they were together. They went over to Olivia’s table and I left the front counter to join them.

  Sebastian slipped his arm around me and squeezed. We waited for Charlie and Olivia to finish their mildly-inappropriate greeting.

  “Hang on,” Charlie said. He put his hand on Olivia’s arm to stop her from sitting. “We have a surprise for you.”

  “For both of you,” Sebastian said.

  Before we could ask any questions, they pointed to the front door.

  Brian and Mary Harper walked in, their eyes searching. Olivia squealed, then clapped her hand over her mouth. She ran over to her parents and threw herself at them, awkwardly trying to hug them both at the same time.

  Sebastian and I waited by the table while Olivia introduced them to Charlie; I didn’t want to intrude on their moment. I teared up a little watching Brian shake Charlie’s hand and Mary wrap him in a tender embrace. Olivia held out her hand so they could admire her engagement ring.

  The beauty of the moment filled my heart. All of them, so happy. So full of life and love.

  Mary met my eyes from across the store. Strands of silver were like sparkles in her blond hair, and her blue eyes—so much like Liam’s—crinkled at the corners with her smile.

  She came over and took my face in her hands. “I’m so proud of you, my sweet girl,” she said, and kissed me on the forehead.

  I stepped into her embrace and she held me tight. It was so good to see her again. Brian hugged me too, then shook hands with Sebastian. Mary was having none of this polite hand-shaking. She held her arms open for Sebastian. He leaned down and gave her a gentle hug, his big arms engulfing her.

  “Wow.” Sebastian cleared his throat as he stepped back. “I think there’s something in my eye.”

  “I can’t believe you’re here,” Olivia said. “How could you keep this from me?”

  “We wanted it to be a surprise,” Mary said.

  Olivia turned to Charlie and smacked him on the arm. “How could you keep it from me?”

  “Hey, don’t blame me,” Charlie said. “Seb invited them.”

  Sebastian’s lips quirked in a little smile and he shrugged.

  Mary squeezed Sebastian’s arm. “And we’re glad you did. It’s not easy having all our kids so far away.”

  The way she said that—all our kids, looking straight at me and Sebastian—made the tears I’d been trying to hold back win their battle. I touched my lips and took a deep breath as a few slid down my cheeks.

  But they weren’t tears of sadness or grief. They were tears of joy.

  We all took our seats at one of the round tables. The buzz of noise grew as more people arrived, the tables filling. Olivia jumped up to help the barista for a little while when the line got too long, and I had to go check out a few more customers at the front counter.

  At eight o’clock, I made my way to the little area we referred to as the stage, and opened the evening. Olivia or I always had to act as host. Joe wouldn’t go near the microphone. He stood near the front counter, watching from a distance.

  I thanked everyone for coming and turned over the mic to the first performer of the evening. I went back to our table and sat next to Sebastian. He took my hand in his and I leaned my cheek against his shoulder.

  We listened to a piece by a man who’d spent the last year in South America. The next guy had a thick accent, but he was so animated, we all seemed to understand at least the spirit of his words. A young woman wearing a U of I sweatshirt looked so terrified, at first I wondered if I should get up and rescue her. But she closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and recited a lovely poem she’d written about her mother. I think we were all touched, not only by her words, but by her bravery.

  “You ready?” Sebastian asked quietly into my ear.

  I nodded. “As ready as I’ll ever be.”

  With a deep breath, I stood and took my place at the microphone. I’d never done a reading before. The closest I’d ever come was reading a few things aloud to Sebastian. I’d never shared any of my writing publicly. Looking at Mary and Brian, Olivia and Charlie, and Sebastian—and even Joe—in the crowd, I couldn’t have imagined a better time than tonight, with my whole family here.

  I pulled out my piece, swallowed hard, and began.

  “Enshrouded in the darkness of grief, her heart breaks. Emptiness consumes her. Where contentment and joy once lived, the shattered pieces of a life scatter across the floor like broken glass.”

  I paused, my eyes lifting. Sebastian nodded.

  “But life is not linear. It is not a line drawn in sand, only moving in one direction, ceasing to exist where it meets the waves. It is circular. Repetitive. Death leads to life. Despair leads to hope. Destruction leads to rebirth.

  “For what is emptiness if not a vessel in which to pour? The hollow space in her chest lies ready, waiting. Abiding in the faith, however small, that it will once again be filled.

  “Unspoken thoughts and smoldering coals hide beneath the surface. Green fades to brown, speaking of the truth held within. Touched by death. Saved by tragedy. Life and love exist in the beats of his heart. A heart shared by two. Loved by one.

  “And therein lies the beautiful sadness of existence. Joy and sorrow. Happiness and heartache. Light and darkness. But above all, love.”

  Stepping away from the microphone, I let out a long breath. The crowd applauded and my face flushed. I tucked my hair behind my ear and smiled, feeling a sense of fullness and satisfaction.

  Sebastian’s proud smile warmed me from the inside out. He clapped along with everyone else, but the love in his eyes held me captive. So unyielding. So determined. He’d never given up on me, not even when I’d given up on myself. He’d known the truth—that together, we could rise from the depths of tragedy. And his faith in that truth was still unwavering.

  Liam’s death had almost destroyed me. But I’d come to realize that even the worst circumstances could lead to something beautiful. Our lives had all changed forever the day he died. It was impossible to know what life would have been like if it hadn’t happened. But that wasn’t the point, anymore. It had happened. It had been an ending, and a beginning. A tragedy, and a gift.

  Liam’s spirit lived on. In his sister’s laughter. In his parents’ generosity and kindness. In the love that had blossomed between Charlie and Olivia.

  And of course, in Sebastian. His heart had given Sebastian a second chance at life—a gift of immeasurable value. But it had given me a second chance, too. Sebastian and I had both lost a part of ourselves and been faced with a world—and a future—that had been irrevocably altered. Alone, we’d floundered. But together, we’d risen from the ashes of despair—two people made new, and filled with hope.

  Love had done that.

  It was love that had guided Sebastian to me, when he hadn’t known who I was. Could it have been Liam, reaching through time and space? Had he spoken through the heart he and Sebastian shared, whispered to him when he’d looked at me across the street? Told Sebastian my nam
e? I didn’t know. Maybe Liam had led Sebastian to me, knowing he would love me. Or maybe Liam’s heart had recognized me, and sought to reconnect with the heart it had once belonged to.

  Or maybe it had all been a coincidence, and Sebastian could have just as easily turned and walked the other way.

  But I didn’t think so.

  Because I believed that love worked in ways that defied understanding. It was more powerful than loss. More powerful than grief. Even more powerful than death. And in the end, love would always win.

  In us, love had triumphed.

  I would always love Liam. I didn’t need to forget him, or pretend I hadn’t loved him, in order to love again. There was room in my heart for his memory—to acknowledge the ways he had touched my life—and more than enough space to love Sebastian. The deep, abiding, fierce, and passionate love I had for Sebastian didn’t need to exist on its own. It was too strong for that. Too sure. It filled me with the strength to choose joy over pain. Hope over grief. Life over death.

  Liam had tried to save me from my past. Sebastian had tried to save me for a future he wanted to share. The strength of love had allowed me to choose to save myself. And to give myself to the man I loved. I wasn’t perfect. I still had healing to do. But every day, I would choose to live, and to love. For my friends, who were my family. For Liam. For Sebastian. For myself.

  People stayed for a while, mingling, browsing, buying books, sipping coffee and tea. The Harpers were in town for a week, so we made plans to show them all our favorite Iowa spots. Charlie and Sebastian were mostly concerned with where we would eat—those two led with their stomachs. Olivia wanted to take me and Mary wedding dress shopping. Sebastian’s parents had invited all of us to come out to Waverly for dinner. It was going to be a fun week.

  The store emptied and I told Joe I’d lock up. Charlie and Olivia took her parents out for dessert, but we decided to stay behind. Sebastian waited with me while the last of the customers left. I turned things off and made sure everything was closed for the night.