So You Might Be a Vampire

by Rodney V. Smith

  I ran into my dealer Julio from down the hall, and he seemed surprised that I was even alive. I hadn't been by for my regular fix and he, of course, knew how to fix that. Funny thing is that I hadn't even given it a thought, not once in the days since I had become a vampire, and I suppose that was something. Being a junkie like I had been is a terrible habit to have, and an even harder habit to break. Why do you think I was always so damned broke? A good chunk of my paycheck would go to Julio since he's the one they call Doctor Feelgood, he's the one who can make you feel all right and all that smack, and don't worry about food, because when you're high you don't need to eat.

  “'Sup Homes. I got some primo shit for you man, muy fucking bueno.” Julio's best shark impersonation had nothing on Harry's. Julio looked like a starved rooster rather than a vulture, but he did his best.

  “It's cool man. I'm set.” I tried to walk past him, and he reached out to grab my arm, stopping me in my tracks and sending my sunglasses tumbling to the floor.

  “What's this? You find some other dealer hombre?”

  I looked back at him now, more than a little pissed, and met his gaze.

  “I said that I'm good.”

  Julio was just staring at my eyes, completely dumbstruck. His grip on my arm loosened as he crossed his heart and said a silent prayer, probably by reflex more than anything else.

  “Jesus Christos, Man. What the fuck?”

  “You never saw contacts before?” It was the first time I ever saw anyone scared of me, and it freaked me the hell out. Is this the kind of reaction I should expect if anyone even suspected what I was?

  I walked off before it could go any further. Julio just yelled at me as I walked away: “Them ain't no freaking contacts homes. Chingado mother-fucking chupacabra!”

  I got out there as fast as I could.

  I was clean. For the first time in two years I was clean, and it felt good, and I hadn't even noticed until now. I just couldn't help but wonder exactly how long was this going to last? How long before temptation and I did what I always seemed to do and just fuck it up for myself?

  Or someone did it for me.

  I shouldn't have turned my back.

  I should have gotten out of there much faster than I did.

  I should have done many things, but I didn't.

  It wasn't until I felt the needle stab into my neck that I even knew anyone was behind me. I could almost taste the heroin as it surged through my veins, and I opened my mouth to scream silently. It was liquid nitrogen and molten lava and delicious enough to melt me, and it felt so familiar. It felt just like coming home.

  I staggered to the side, and I heard Julio laugh. So I turned to him, everything seeming so slow as the heroin took a hold of me...

  “That's what you get motherfucker. I fucking own you, so you best not forget it.”

  A fresh surge hit my veins and then... and then nothing. It was gone, and I could see clearly now, taste the bitter aftertaste of a high too quickly gone. And that just pissed me off.

  Julio swung at me, and I stepped back easily, watching his arm pass my face close enough for the wind to ruffle my hair. His leg came up after that and it was like he was moving in molasses, he was moving so slow. I had time to block his leg and then-

  My punch sent Julio practically flying through the air. The look of surprise on his face said it all, after all it was the last thing either of us had expected from me, but what the hell? That was a sneaky fucking move to pull with the syringe like that. If I hadn't been a vampire and my body hadn't done just whatever the hell it was it had just done, judging from the amount of heroin that had been in the syringe, I'd probably already be dead.

  Julio hit the ground, his hands to his stomach where I had punched him, and I just stood there for a moment, still pissed at him and wondering if this human cockroach even deserved the grace that I was giving him. He had just tried to fry my brains.

  “WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?” I found myself screaming at him. “WHAT IS IT YOU WANT?”

  He looked at me as if I'd gone crazy and clutched at his stomach, still gasping.

  “You want me to be back under your heel, needing your stupid fucking drugs and begging you for a fix, but it's not going to fucking happen! You got it? I'm done wasting my life on this shit, on fucking rodents like you man. You fucking culo! Fucking pendejo motherfucker. You just leave me the fuck alone from now on, and we're going to be cool. You do anything else, and I swear I will rip your fucking throat out with my teeth.”

  Somehow I think he knew that I wasn't joking. He nodded, looking into my freaky looking eyes.

  I started to move away, aware for the first time of the small crowd that had gathered.

  “Hey Roberto,” Julio called, and I turned around.

  In a life of should haves, there was one more that I should have thought of, but oops: way too late for that now. Want to know what it was?

  I should have guessed that Julio wouldn't take this lying down.

  I should also have guessed that Julio had a gun.

  That motherfucker shot me right between the eyes.

  ***

  Okay, flashback time is over.

  Yes, as a matter of fact I am going to leave you hanging like that. Of course, you know that it didn't kill me. Not permanently in any case, but it was a valuable learning experience. The biggest thing I learned wasn't to not let anyone get the drop on you, and if they do, don't just stand there with a stupid look on your face. That way just lies disaster. No, the biggest lesson I got was this: death hurts.

  Even if you're going to heal in a few days, the act of dying still hurts.

  “You okay there man?” Claude asked then. He was busy mopping up his plate with an errant bit of toast he had managed to save.

  “Yeah,” I said, even though I wasn't. He could tell that I was lying as well, but he let it pass. “I was just thinking of Louise.”

  “I saw Jaime the other day you know.”

  I tried not to react, but I was trained to pay attention to anything Jaime related.

  Claude continued.

  “So there I was standing in the store talking to her, and I happen to look outside and across the street is a guy who looks remarkably like you, just standing there.”

  I squirmed now and looked away.

  “Really? Just like me?”

  “Just like you. I'd know that face and those sunglasses anywhere you know. Plus the red Hawaiian shirt stands out.”

  “All my black shirts are in the wash. I'm sick of wearing black.”

  “She asked me to give you this note Bob. You should read it. It says everything she's always wanted to say to you. You're not going to like it, but you should read it.”

  I took the note from him, feeling a snake coil its way around my stomach now, tightening and squeezing in fear.

  “How'd she look?”

  “Like your ex-girlfriend. The same as always. “He shrugged. “Look, dude I got to go meet my 'clients' now. So I'll see you later, okay? Call me if you need to talk.”

  I almost didn't hear him. I was staring at the note, afraid to open it.

  Claude left then, and I just sat there, the note in front of me.

  The cute waitress came back with more coffee, and she may have spoken to me, but I didn't notice. Not really. I may have smiled at her, but I don't remember. All I could see was the note in front of me, the curl of Jaime's handwriting showing through the folded paper.

  I could have stayed like that forever, but I didn't.

  Eventually, I opened the note.

  -2-

  THE HALL OF THE DRUNKEN KING

  “All alone in here

  But he's not the only one

  Lost inside

  Forever hidden from the sun

  Madness reigns

  In the Hall of the Mountain King”

  —Savatage, Hall of the Mountain King

  -2-

  The hall of the drunken king

  I was pretending to be drunk b
y the time the King came around to my table, and I think I was doing a pretty good job of it too.

  Somehow, Sammy had found out that I had VIP passes to the club and after days and days of persuasion, she had dragged me into the one place that I didn't want to go back to, the place that was a personal hell for me. I had tried to tell her that Harry had thrown me out of the place countless times just on general principle, but with Sammy, there was absolutely no steering the girl.

  “If this guy hates you so much, and throws you out as much as you say, then how the hell do you still get VIP passes?” She has asked me after a moment of thinking. I’d practically slapped myself silly over that. Of course there were no passes, but I was a vampire and that got me into the club and away from the general public area which was usually all normal people. They considered it VIP, but the vampires still looked at it as being in pits. There was of course zero way of telling Sammy that without telling her that I saw a vampire, so she has won that argument.

  “So why did you say you hated this place again?”

  “Because it's full of blood sucking assholes.”

  Like the King for instance. I didn't even see him approach, mainly because Sammy was ogling at some of the celebrities that frequented the place. The celebrities were there either because they themselves were vampires, or they just had a lot of money. If there's one thing a vampire loves more than blood, it's got to be money, and celebrities have plenty of both.

  The only thing on my mind at the time was the sheer abject misery I was going through and the fact that somehow I had to go through the night without Sammy finding out that I was a vampire and without anyone taking a bite out her. Since she looked especially delicious tonight, the last part of that was going to prove to be particularly difficult. I had already seen the brothers Cohen watching her from over by the bar and was already bracing myself for a full frontal attack by them. They had no tact or discernible skill, but they were sleazy and knew how to get a girl's panties off in about ten seconds flat. The blood would follow later on. They were very good at what they did, and as much as a bitch as Sammy was sometimes, she didn't deserve them.

  So it was while I was distracted with watching the brothers that the King somehow managed to spot Sammy and that was, as they say, all she wrote. Or in this case, since it was the King and everything: that was all he wrote.

  We'd already had a few drinks and Sammy was having a marvelous time. She'd been amazed that so many people seemed to know me, and it surprised me when she clung onto my arm like I was her own personal celebrity. Normally this kind of attention from Sammy just wasn't forthcoming unless she'd done something to really apologize for and she was feeling especially sweet, and it really was the last thing I'd ever expected from her. Her entire bitch act had dropped and now she was just being the sweet side of Sammy that I had caught so many glimpses of.

  The pity was that she just had to pull this switch on me while we were completely surrounded by people who either hated me or were about to hate me.

  “I can't believe you know him Bob! How the hell do you know him?”

  One of the biggest rappers in the city had spotted me and had come over to say hi. I would mention names, but he likes to keep it on the quiet side about where his regular haunts are. Let's just say dude was all over the billboard charts. He knew me from that time I'd pretended to get stoned with him over at the Armstrong Hotel and every time I saw him now, he'd introduce me to more of his friends. I was now known by every single rapper in the city and I couldn't even remember half their names.

  Being a junkie gets you so many friends. I just wasn't the kind of junkie they thought I was.

  I shrugged to Sammy and pointed out a corner booth which was completely unoccupied, still trying to keep her out of the way of the brothers Cohen. Luckily Harry didn't seem to be here tonight, and if he was, he just hadn't caught up with me yet.

  “Let's just have a seat for a bit and have a few more drinks. “

  “Are you trying to hide me or something?”

  I pushed her into the booth and decided that for once I would be honest with her. “Yes as a matter of fact I am. See those two guys over there at the bar? The twins in the expensive suits?”

  “What are they? The local perverts?”

  “A little bit worse than that.”

  “Are they checking me out?”

  “Do wolves hunt sheep?”

  “Are they watching right now?”

  As if on cue, both brothers turned their heads towards our booth. It was as if they'd heard their names called and the wolves were targeting in. I met their gaze and they both grinned as one.

  I wasn't expecting what came next.

  Sammy grabbed me by the face and locked lips with me, kissing me deeply and sensuously, climbing into my lap as we kissed and waking up every single part of me. For a while I managed to forget about the brothers Cohen and even about Harry. For a while, all I knew was Sammy's gorgeous lips.

  When she finally let me go, I was still shocked and awed, totally blown away.

  “You're not too bad there Bob.”

  “You're not so bad there yourself,” I tried to reply, but what came out was something more along the lines of: 'Wstl fglgr?” or something equally unintelligible.

  “They're still watching though.”

  I shook myself out of my reverie and looked away from my face-full of Sammy's small but gorgeous cleavage. I was glad that she was still on top of me. She didn't seem to want to get off, but that was okay. I'd gladly suffer for an experience like that at any time.

  “I should have told you about that. They're freaks of the freaky kind. They have no concept of privacy or personal space.”

  Sammy hit me and, sadly for me, jumped off my lap and into her seat.

  “Fucker.”

  “What the hell was that for?”

  “Just because. And don't think that's going to happen again. That was only for the freak boys' benefit.”

  Sammy knew how to fuck with someone's head, especially mine, and I know she took some perverse pleasure out of it. And here I was pleasantly surprised.

  We were still arguing when the King came over and blindsided me.

  “Hey there sugar tits.”

  “Hey yourself,” I said as I turned to look up at the King and was almost blinded by his suit.

  The self-proclaimed King of the city was wearing a particularly stunning ensemble tonight, one that was sure to capture every camera man's attention, and if the pure white suit failed to do that, the gold and diamonds and Fur coat he wore were sure to make sure the job got done. He was a walking advertisement against PETA, the diamond trade and general good taste. He was the unofficial face of Atlanta, so the image was very important to him. Pity it caused damage to sensitive eyes and egos.

  “Hey, Bobby boy, didn't see you there.”

  Ow, that one hurt. My ego was taking a bashing tonight.

  The King had already locked eyes with Sammy.

  “Who's this fine piece of ass you got with you my brother of brothers?”

  I opened my mouth to introduce her, but Sammy was way ahead of me.

  “I'm Samantha,” she said and elbowed me in the ribs pretty hard when I snickered.

  “Well Samantha, I think you an' me better go dance and get to know each other a lot better. What you say to that?”

  “That's the best idea I've heard all night,” Sammy said and squeezed out of the booth, right over me. She didn't give me a chance to move, but she did give me an extremely excellent view of her ass as she climbed over. For a moment, I was tempted to bite it, but by then it was too late.

  “Be careful with her King. She bites!”

  I watched them vanish into the crowd while hoping against hope that the King didn't decide to make Sammy into a vampire. That would be the last thing that any of us needed, especially me.

  What? Didn't you know the King was a vampire? Well, you obviously haven't been paying attention, now have you? I know that everybody knows
who the King is, after all he's all over the gossip papers and with his new show on VH1 into its third season, he's really hard to miss if you were one of those who didn't grow up with him as a rap icon. All the clues have been there, especially an extremely glaring one. How many of you have seen a black man with pale blue eyes? Now the eccentric habits could simply be mistaken for those of a celebrity, with the lack of shows or news interviews unless it was after dark or in a well lit and extremely private studio away from the windows, but come on people! Look at his eyes!

  If anyone still doubts me, you can feel free to do something obscene to yourself.

  So there I was watching the King dance off into the crowd with the girl I was currently lusting after, and I knew that if I looked, the brothers Cohen would be sneering at me. I took a look and didn't even get that satisfaction. The brothers were already checking out their new victims. I wasn't even a footnote in their perverted little minds.

  How much lower can you sink into misery than I already was? Here I was trying to be the great protector of Sammy, and I couldn't even protect her from the King. Or did he actually need more protection from her than she needed? It was kind of hard to say. I was just hoping to be able to find out before the ugly twins Ryan and Ryan showed up to throw me out of the club.

  They weren’t actually twins, but there were both equally large and equally ugly, both in personality and in looks. They were Harry’s main bouncers, both being particularly vicious and strong vampires, and they really got off on hurting people, so they were very, very good at their job. They were the ones you could never argue with, never reason. The other bouncers I could bribe or at least cajole and I got the feeling that they kind of liked me, or maybe they had a running pool on how long it would take for me to get thrown out. Either way, the regular bouncers let me in, but in the end it was up to me to avoid the Ugly Twins.