by Nina Levine
Something shifted across Nash’s face and I felt his body tense. His voice was gruff when he asked me, “You wanted kids with him?”
My heart ached dredging this up. “Yes,” I whispered, “It was all I ever wanted. The idea of creating my own family that I could love and give everything to that I never had, that was what kept me going some days.”
Nash stopped caressing my back. His hand stilled as he asked, “What happened, sweetheart?”
I swallowed, the tightness in my throat making it hard. I raised my eyes to look at his face. The concern I found there reached out and touched me lovingly. In that moment, I fell a little more. “I fell pregnant pretty much straight away but I miscarried. And James kept getting me pregnant only to lose the baby each time. Falling pregnant was never hard, but I just couldn’t carry a baby to term. With every baby lost, James became more of an asshole and chipped away a little more of my self belief each day. Until the day he decided I was useless to him, and he erased me from his life.” My voice caught and I held back a sob. It wasn’t the memories of James that threatened tears; I mourned my lost babies. When the one thing you want in life is given but then ripped from you, over and over, it causes wounds that never truly heal.
Nash moved to lay over me. He held himself just above me, his powerful frame rigid, his muscles flexing. His eyes held mine for a moment, and then he shifted to lie on his side, resting on his elbow. He reached out and cradled my cheek with his hand, letting his thumb rub gently over my skin. “In my experience, it’s the ones we love the most who have the ability to crush us. They have the fuckin’ ability to rip our hearts out and shred them until we’re left broken and hopeless. And then life has a way of trampling us even more when we’re down. I’m in fuckin’ awe of you, baby. You took that shit that happened to you, all of it, and you said to fuck with it. And you’ve built your life into something good. In fuckin’ spite of all those assholes.”
My heart constricted. Nash saw me clearly. He saw all the pain I’d experienced, all the obstacles I’d faced, the struggle of my life. And he saw what I’d done with all of that.
He got me.
The first tear escaped and he brushed it away. When the subsequent tears fell, he leant down and kissed them away. I couldn’t stop them; it was years worth of tears that I’d been holding in. They just kept flowing. And Nash let them. He sat with my pain in a way that no-one in my life ever had before.
I opened my mouth to say something, but he gently laid a finger over my lips. “Shhh, baby, there’s no need for words. Just let it all out,” he whispered.
I did what he said, and sobbed quietly in his arms. He watched me, not flinching from it, and when I started to settle, he shifted again on the bed to lie on his back. His arm rested over my shoulders and he settled me close to him.
“Go to sleep, darlin’, tomorrow’s a new day, and I’m gonna make you breakfast and take you for a long ride. Best way to blow some of the shit out of your head as far as I’m concerned.”
Some of the heaviness in my heart had shifted; opening myself up and sharing my pain with Nash had freed me. Sleep would claim me soon, but until then my thoughts were focused on him. He cared deeply; I sensed it in my soul. I’d caught glimpses of it in him over the years, but he’d kept it well hidden. Nash was so broken that he didn’t allow himself to share the love he had to give, and he didn’t allow anyone in to give him the love he needed. I wanted to give him what he’d just given me. I wanted to help him unshackle himself from the pain holding him back.
Chapter 23
Who I am With You ~ Chris Young
Nash
Velvet blasted me with a smile that stole me. She’d already stolen my body. Now she stole my fucking heart. Truth be told, she’d stolen it last night when she bared her soul to me. The moment she reached deep inside and laid herself out for me was the moment she had it; the moment she finally owned me. I’d known it was coming, I just thought it would take a lot fucking longer.
And I was okay with it. I was more than fucking okay with it. Call me a pussy, I didn’t give a fuck. This woman was going to revive me; I was sure of it.
She eyed me with a questioning look. “I didn’t think you made anyone breakfast, Nash Walker.”
I grinned at her. “Turns out I was wrong. Now sit your ass down, woman. You’re about to have your mind blown by my food.”
“Your talents extend to cooking?”
“Baby, you ain’t seen nothing yet. My talents are many and varied.”
“Well bring it on, dude. Hit me.”
I’d made eggs benedict for her, and her eyes widened in appreciation when I placed it in front of her.
“A biker who can cook?” she mused as she began eating. Her face lit up after her first bite. “Oh my God, Nash, you can actually cook!”
I laughed. “You’ve met my mother, sweet thing. She’s not the kind of woman to send her boys out into the world without cooking skills.”
“I love your mother,” she declared.
“Not something I hadn’t worked out, baby.”
After we’d finished eating, she made her way to the sink. Eyeing me, she said, “I’ll wash, you can dry.”
“The plates can dry without my help.” No fucking way was I drying dishes. I had a dish rack for that shit.
She smacked me on the chest with the tea towel and pinned me with a dirty look. “I bet that’s not something your mother taught you.”
“My mother taught me to be efficient with my time, and drying dishes is not a good use of my time.” This debate was amusing me, if only to see her getting worked up.
“You know what my mother taught me, Nash?” she asked as she planted a hand on her hip.
“What, darlin’?”
“That a man who doesn’t do as he’s told, doesn’t get sex for the rest of that day.”
“Bull-fuckin’-shit.” I burst out laughing as I said this.
She raised her eyebrows at me, challenging me. “You want to take a chance on it? Or do you just want to dry the damn dishes?”
I had to give her credit. She was standing her ground, a straight face in place, and I had no doubt that she would withhold sex if she so chose to prove a point.
I put my hand out. “Give me the fuckin’ tea towel,” I muttered, snatching it off her.
“Thank you,” she said, smiling at me while she filled the sink.
“Just to be clear, babe, tonight there’s gonna be sex. A lot of fuckin’ sex.”
“Yeah, baby,” she said in that breathy, sexy voice of hers.
I shook my head. “I’ve been fuckin’ played again, haven’t I?”
She didn’t answer me, just smiled broadly at me.
I watched her in silence while she filled the sink. Velvet was a woman I could spend hours looking at and never tire of the view. But I was interrupted this time by a chuckle in the hallway. I turned and grinned at who I found standing watching us.
Kick.
“Hey, brother,” I said, walking towards him.
“Nash, long time no see.” We hugged, slapping each other on the back. He pulled away and smirked at me. “I see you’ve finally found a woman to tame the asshole out of you.”
Velvet laughed. “I’m under no illusions. Nash does have his good points though, so I’m sticking around for those.”
Kick put his hands up. “I don’t want to hear anymore, darlin’. I’ll take your word on that.” He put his hand out to her and introduced himself, “The name’s Kick.”
She shook his hand. “Good to meet you. I’m Velvet.”
Recognition dawned on Kick’s face; I’d obviously mentioned her to him before. “Real good to meet you, darlin’.”
“What brings you to town?” I asked him.
“Club business.” It was clear he didn’t want to discuss it in front of Velvet.
I nodded. “How long you staying? I presume you’re staying here.”
“Yeah, brother. I don’t know how long yet.” He jerked his hea
d in the direction of the bedroom he usually crashed in and I nodded. “I’m gonna crash for a few hours, man.”
“Sure. We’re going for a ride. Be back later this afternoon so I’ll catch you then.”
He focused on Velvet. “See you later, darlin’.”
She smiled. “Bye.”
Once he’d left us, she asked me, “Kick’s Storm, right? But not Brisbane?”
“Yeah, he’s Sydney chapter. We go back about eight years. He’s always had my back.”
Nodding, she said, “Okay, dishes and then I wanna cuddle up to the back of you on your bike.”
I curled my hand around her neck, and brushed my lips against hers. “Fuck, the things you say, baby.”
She rested her hand on my ass, and whispered, “The things I say have got nothing on the words that come out of your mouth.”
I grinned.
She was right.
***
I watched Velvet walk back into the bedroom, my eyes taking in the t-shirt of mine she was wearing. I’d just fucked her after she gave me a mind shattering blow job, and I was wondering why the hell she’d put clothes back on after cleaning up in the bathroom.
“What’s with the shirt, babe?”
She crawled onto the bed, positioning herself half on me and half on the bed. I put my arm around her and rested my hand on her ass, pulling the shirt up so I could feel skin.
“You’ve got a visitor in the house, Nash. I don’t want to be roaming around naked if I get up during the night.”
I chuckled. “Kick wouldn’t mind.”
“I’m just going to ignore you said that. Or better still, how about I take it off and go visit him in his room. You reckon he’d like that? And you’d be okay with that?”
“Fuck. Okay, woman, you win. I see your fuckin’ point,” I grumbled.
She fell quiet for a moment, before asking, “How did you meet Kick?”
“I met him in prison.”
She moved so that she was lying almost on her stomach with her arms resting on my chest. Her eyes met mine; questioning. This wasn’t something I ever spoke about; it was all new to her. “Because you were open about that, I’m going to assume you’re okay with talking about it but if not, just tell me to back off. What were you in prison for?”
I ran my hand over her hair as I answered her; I liked the constant contact with her when she was near. It helped calm my demons; the demons that pushed to the surface when I thought about this time in my life. “For assault.”
Her eyes were kind; she held no judgment. “How long were you there?”
“Two years.”
Silence surrounded us as she took it in, her eyes never leaving mine. She seemed to be weighing something up. Finally, she asked, “Nash, have you ever talked about this with anyone?”
“Yeah, babe.” I fought the rising anxiety, and focused on her in an effort to quiet it.
She chewed her lip and then wiggled her way up my body a little bit so that our faces were closer. Her warm breath settled on my skin as we stared at each other. When she reached her hand up to run her fingers through my hair, my anxiety calmed and I blew out a breath.
She saw me relax and smiled. “You okay, now?” she whispered.
It was in that moment, I realised Velvet knew what she was doing. I nodded. “You know?”
“That you’re suffering from anxiety?”
“Yeah,” I said, softly. Time slowed. My focus was entirely on Velvet; I saw only her. It was like the maddening assault of emotions and feelings quieted, and receded, allowing me full control over my attention for the first time in a long time.
“My mum suffered from it for years. I recognised the symptoms. Have you had it treated?”
“Yeah, baby,” I admitted, and then added, “You’re the only person I’ve told though, besides my doctor.”
“Your family don’t know?”
“I’m sure they realise, but it’s not something we talk about. They’ve tried to get me to, but talking about it brings up shit I don’t want to deal with.”
She continued to run her fingers through my hair.
Soft.
Calming.
Loving.
Exactly what I needed.
“I’m here for you, whatever you need. Tell me you hear me when I say that,” she said, her piercing gaze demanding so much from me.
Fuck.
I hesitated, but she didn’t let me off. She held my gaze, and I knew she wasn’t budging an inch. I had to give her what she’d asked for. And I knew it was going to be both my undoing and my healing.
Fuck.
Slowly, I nodded. “Yes, I hear you.”
Her hand moved to my face, her fingers tracing soft patterns on my cheek. Never in my life had I been with a woman who was so caring; who didn’t ask me for anything in return. Velvet just loved. She’d loved me as a friend for so long now and I hadn’t truly acknowledged that for what it was. It was way past time to do that.
I took her hand in mine. “Thank you.”
She smiled. “You’re welcome.”
I shook my head. She didn’t know what I was thanking her for. “No, baby. I’m thanking you for what you’ve already done for me, not for what you’re offering to do now.”
Confusion flickered over her face. “What have I already done for you, Nash?”
“You’ve been a friend to me. And I was a bastard to you on more than one occasion. I don’t fuckin’ deserve you but I’m gonna take you and everything you’re offering.”
She swallowed hard, and her eyes teared up.
“Shit, sweet thing, I didn’t want to make you cry,” I murmured.
Smiling through her tears, she said, “They’re happy tears, baby.”
“Happy for what?”
“You reminded me that I’m worthy of love. James took that belief from me and I’ve struggled ever since to feel worthy again. And you do deserve me, Nash. I see your pain. I know there’s more, and I know you’ll share it with me eventually, but whatever has happened to make you think you don’t deserve love, it’s not true.”
Fuck me, she was an angel. I wasn’t sure I’d ever deserve her. I rolled us over so I was lying over her. Bending my lips to hers, I murmured, “You’re mine now, Velvet.”
Our lips joined in a slow, gentle kiss. A kiss that stirred long buried desires. Life had thrown a lot of fucking curve balls, and hadn’t turned out the way I’d planned. And although I’d never have the one thing I’d always truly desired, I knew that having Velvet would help me deal with the loss of that dream. Fuck knew, it was time to finally deal with that; ten years was long enough to hold onto that heartache.
Chapter 24
Brave ~ Sara Bareilles
Velvet
Mine.
That’s what I was thinking as I watched Nash walk to his bike. He was mine. He’d given himself to me last night, making me happier than I could ever remember.
I watched him leave, and then went inside, out of the cold wind. Mondays were my least favourite day of the week¸ and today was no exception. The only shining part of the day was that I woke up to Nash loving. And afterward, he’d made me toast and coffee. We hadn’t made plans to see each other tonight because it looked like he might be busy with Kick. So, I had a long day of study, work and no more Nash loving ahead of me. Yeah, Monday could kiss my ass.
Bella rubbed herself against my legs, happy to see me. I picked her up and pet her. “Sorry, baby, I’ve been neglecting you lately, haven’t I?”
She purred at my touch.
“Nash has kinda been taking up all my time. You’d understand if you were a woman,” I said as I placed her back on the ground and fed her.
Once she was happy, I made my way into the study, ready to tackle the mountain of work I had to get through today. However, just as I was about to take a seat, there was a knock at my front door so I headed back out there to see who it was.
James stood on my verandah, a contemptuous look on his face.
/> “What do you want now?” I asked, joining him on the verandah rather than letting him inside. Surprisingly, the old feelings of inadequacy I usually felt around James did not surface.
“May I come in?”
“No, James, Say what you need to say and then you can go. There’s no need to go inside for that.”
His brow arched. “As you prefer. I’ve come to tell you that I’m withdrawing my offer.”
I scoffed. “Nash came to see you, didn’t he?”
Annoyance covered his features. “You need to tell your lapdog that if any of what we discussed surfaces, his club won’t know what hit it.”
I cocked my head to the side. “First of all, Nash isn’t anyone’s lapdog. I have no control over anything he does. And second, I’m guessing that whatever dirt he has on you must be huge for you to come here today. Which means that if any of it were to get out, you wouldn’t have the power to hurt him or his club.” God, it felt so damn good to say this to him. My heart was beating with excitement to finally have the courage to take him on. And to feel no fear.
He scowled. “I’m deadly serious, Velvet, when I say that you don’t want to take me on. And you don’t want to talk to anyone about me, us or our marriage. You thought you got screwed in our divorce? You’d be fucking decimated over this if you pursued it.” The vein in his neck pulsed and his nostrils flared as he spat out his threat.
“See, that’s what you never understood, James. You already fucking decimated me. You ripped me to pieces and left me ruined. Back then I had no-one to help me; I had to face all my monsters by myself. And I did. It took me years, but I put myself back together, stronger than before you found me. So, knock yourself out because I know I have what it takes to survive. And this time around, I have someone who cares about me to back me up.”
His eyes narrowed on me. “This biker really has you, doesn’t he?”