Meanwhile, I, Satan, was informed while skeet-shooting Angels on the Dog Star. I returned and assessed the situation. As punishment, I Decreed first that Earth was Taboo to all Demons. Secondly, I Decreed that Abra Kadab would not be banished, but rather would be imprisoned on the planet which he noxiously polluted, until eons in the future, when it finally evolved into the Orb of Hell. Furthermore, I Decreed that ancient Twentieth-Century Earth would now be the Dumping Ground for the City of Hell and its surrounding environs.
But in time, these Decrees became moot due to the Immutable Law of Change. Despite (or, perhaps, because of) Earth’s Infamous Odor, its attraction to Demons eventually became irresistible. After centuries of breeding, the human livestock had replenished itself and once again was known for its distinctive and pungent, toxic flavor.
Map of Invasion Route
It is hoped that, after the Invasion, time-travel junkets to Earth-Density will become popular, due to the novelty of the humans as both foodstuffs and as faddish playthings. See Possession; Taboo; Time; Lord Satan’s Preface to Encyclopædia of Hell; W heel of Kadab.
Lord Satan’s Proclamation: The Taboo of Earth Density
4. MAPS OF EARTH’S INTERIOR AND EXTERIOR
For Invasion purposes, refer to the following map of the Earth’s interior and exterior. For more information on the origin and design of the Hollow Earth, see Part Two, Manual of Earth Terms: Hollow Earth.
Hollow Earth: Kadab’s Lair Before Conjuring the Wheel of Kadab
5. INVASION ROUTES TO EARTH
For Lieutenants leading Demon Troops through the Cosmic Time-Spiral to Earth, the Invasion Routes recommended are those favored for eons by Demon Garbage Scow Pilots for the dumping of Hell’s Swill in Earth-Density. (Refer to Map of Invasion Routes from Hell to Earth):
Directions From Hell To Earth-Density:• Follow the Time-Spiral of the Solar Phalanx for 24 ,000 years into the Past or until you see the Crossroads of Horub.
• Take a left on the Secondary Vortex and go straight for 7000 years to the Arc of Bon.
• When you reach the Ji’Niquin Swamp in Etherea, take the Off-Ramp to Hyrim.
• At the end of the ramp, go right toward Gitche for 43,826 years, or until you see a Scattered Trail of Filth which presages the emergence into Earth Time-Density. (At this point, the stench of approaching Earth will be overwhelming. Travelers Advisory suggests all Demons wear nose-clips until the Smell of Mankind becomes tolerable.)
• Modulate parallel time- and spatial-frequencies so that the Third Planet from the Central Spluttering Photosphere is Despised and Ignominious Earth. (Note: If Earth is in any other position, recalibrate and modulate dimensions until the Planet of Filth occupies the Third Harmonic.)
If possible, land Hellcraft in flat, empty areas. For reasons of security, either capture and eat or instantly vaporize any humans who may witness your approach.
6. ON THE LANDING SITES
The Invasion of Earth shall be focused primarily on two prime sites, the Vatican, Italy and Las Vegas, U.S.A . Once these territories are sacked and plundered by Demon Insurgents and legally annexed to Hell City, the two cities shall be conjured together as one, creating luxurious Catholic Casino Cathedrals for the enjoyment of demons visiting Earth to devour the human livestock. See Las Vegas; Vatican.
For specific landing logistics, refer to the following diagram:
Diagram of Space -Time Vortices Used to Conjure Vatican City and Las Vegas as One
7. ON THE INVASION PLAN
You, My Demon Insurgents, have heard My Invasion Proclamation and have been given Instructions according to your Role in the Plan. As an overview, My Plan shall consist of Five Waves of Conquest:1. Eight million V-6 Pentagonal Hellcrafts will traverse Wormhole 66 (the route used by Scows which dump Hell’s Trash on Earth). These craft, invisible to Humans, will hover over all Earth Slave Camps (see Cities) and broadcast frequencies inaudible to humans, but which will instill Fear and Paranoia in Mankind.
2. Fifty-five million Luxury Cruisers, also invisible, will land on city rooftops, carrying 105 million Lawyers of Hell who, disguised as humans, will quickly integrate into Earth’s Chaotic Corporate Structure and, communicating via Rolex Watch-Communicators, craft the Legal Domination and Ownership of Earth.
3. The Excess Population of the City of Hell, totaling more than eighteen billion Demonic entities, shall follow, landing on Earth in twenty million very crowded Pentagonal Hellcrafts. (All Demon Immigrants are reminded to grease their hides to facilitate squeezing past one another in the passenger sections.)
4. I, Lord Satan, King of Hell, shall then arrive in a Chariot of Fire, upon Wheels within Wheels, and Announce to all of Earth, via the interruption of prime-time television and Internet webs, that as of that Instant, All of Mankind is now the Official Property and Chattel of Hell.
5. Hors d’oeuvres shall be served to All Earth Politicians, followed by their being Cooked Alive and Eaten in a Special Live Worldwide Broadcast. The inevitably high ratings of this broadcast will set the tone of a New Age of Fear and Prosperity. See Addendum 1, The Invasion Proclamation.
8. ON EATING HUMANS
Once the Invasion begins, humans will be rounded up and used as foodstuffs for My Invading Hordes. Thus, a word here on the cooking and eating of human flesh:
1. Regardless of the gourmet biases of individual Demons, it is universally agreed that the human brain is a sour, rubbery and inedible organ. Thus when gutting a human, it is recommended that the brain be removed and discarded first per the following diagram:
Removal of Inedible Human Brain
2. It is manifest, due to the Law of Subjective Inexplicability, that different Demons enjoy Different Tastes. While the delicious chemical toxins in human flesh created the demand for humans as food, I personally do not like flesh supersaturated with toxins (re the Caucasian race). Others (although I am not one of them) prefer relatively untainted flesh.
THE TASTE AND EDIBILITY OF HUMAN RACES COMPILED BY BEHEMOTH
Thus the following data is biased by my own taste and experience as a Gourmet of Human Gore and does not pretend to be the last word upon the subject.
With that understanding, the Races of Humanity are categorized in order of Taste and Edibility (the most delicious at left; the inedible at right) in the Comprehensive Chart, above.
COMMENTARY BY ASMO DEUS
Whereas, through the Spiral of Time, Earth eventually evolves into Hell, and Humanity into the race of Demons, some Demons consider it gauche to time-travel into the ancient past to eat humans, for are they not ourselves? Is it not, at best, a grotesque paradox, and at worst, cannibalistic, to eat our past selves, no matter how primitive or delicious?
Yet this specious view ignores Lord Satan’s Spell Which Banishes All Time-Paradoxy, a supreme and zestful Act of Black Magic which allows us as a race to devour our past selves without any mess, fuss, contrition or indigestion.
Thus, following the Invasion, the eating of Humanity by their future selves is absolutely free from the Stench of Paradox, and should be joyfully anticipated by the Hungry Hordes of Demon Insurgents. See Livestock ; Time.
9. ON THE TABOO OF EARTH-DENSITY
Eons ago, Demons were forbidden by Myself to time-travel to the Sickening Sphere of Earth-Density. After Abra Kadab’s clumsy poisoning of Earth, it was feared that the tainted human livestock might infect Demons and degenerate the City of Hell with disease. But Demons, as is their wont, could not resist time-traveling to Earth now and then for a quick meal or to playfully manipulate and humiliate the human dullards for their amusement and recreation.
Unfortunately, word of mouth among Demons, describing the unique flavor of human flesh, as well as their rank stupidity, caused more and more Demons to secretly travel there. In time, Demons were not only openly disregarding the Taboo, but reveling in it, stowing away on Garbage Scows headed for Earth.
Lord Satan’s Spell Banishing Time Paradoxy
Of course, whenever I disco
vered Demons breaking the Taboo, I tortured them. However, ironically, Demons enjoy torture. Thus, more and more Demons began breaking the taboo for the additional thrill of being caught and tortured. Finally, being at a loss as to how to enforce the Ban, and seeing that no infections nor serious time paradoxes had resulted in Hell as a result of contact with humans, I invoked the Spell Banishing all time-paradox, and lifted the Taboo.
Presently, 23% of all beings on Earth are various Demons disguised as humans. Thus, on the Eve of the Invasion of Earth, this Noxious Density has been sufficiently prepared for a mass takeover by my troops, who will either annihilate or possess all human bodies before the next Conclave of Horus.
10. MORE ON TIME AND THE BANISHMENT OF PARADOX
As twaddle-headed gnats, human beings are ignorant of Time. They are unaware that Time is a physical medium as tangible as their thick skulls, and as sinewy as the material universe, and oriented at right angles to it. Time-Space, of course, is the conjoint medium at right angles to the Physical World through which Hell-craft travel.
Time-travel is inconceivable to humans because the linearity of their pipeline thought cannot grasp the Final Solution to Time Paradoxes. The Final Solution, of course, is inanely simple: when my Demons first began time-travel and annoying paradoxes began to crop up23, I, as Creator and Ruler of the Hell Cosmos, cast an Omniscient Spell banishing all time-paradox from the Geometric Physics of Hell. This sometimes requires a little cleaning up here and there at various space-time nexus points24, but it all comes out in the wash.
This Historic Spell was publicly conjured by Myself, Lord Satan, shortly after I allowed Demonkind access to the Infinite Freeways of Time, making spatial travel, in effect, obsolete. This Spell made each Time-Density autonomous to all save its own Ineluctable Present, canceling out all paradox and minimizing the bleed-through of parallel events from one density to another.
The Shimmering Central Black Orb of Hell, of course, exists in the same space as the planet Earth, but in Earth’s distant future; thus time-travel to Earth involves cutting an arc into Hell’s distant past.25 Humans are of course ignorant of the fact that Earth’s destiny is to evolve into the Orb of Hell, and that all humans must one day evolve into the Spiritually Perfect Beings they call Demons.26 The stupidity of humans is so monumental, they are not only unaware of the existence of the Orb of Hell, but also Hell City, which occupies the same space as Earth’s own Ancient City of Excess, known as Las Vegas.27
Lord Satan Enacting Paradox Banishment.
ENCYCLOPÆDIA OF HELL
AN INVASION MANUAL OF EARTH
BOOK II
QUADRIFIDUM THE FIRST
ZYK’S FIRST MEMO TO THE PUBLISHER
CONCERNING HIS RESEARCH ON EARTH
MEMO TO
MORTIMER PÖNÇÉ, ESQ.
PUBLISHER, MIND CONTROL PRESS
HELL HOLE WEST
CITY OF HELL
FROM
ZYK OF ASIMOTH, EDITOR
INVASION MANUAL COMMISSION
DISPATCHED FROM EARTH
KRAKOW, POLAND
SEPTEMBER 7, 1348
Detestable Mr. Pönçé:
My arrival here at the height of the Black Death, which has consumed millions, has been delightful and piquant. The countryside is festooned with black and red corpses, forming a scenic roulette wheel of putrescence ringing the bowl of the valley.
My research here, recording the flavor of diseased flesh, is in many respects a game of chance; a pair of obese Caucasian buttocks, for example, may have a delicate afterburn, whereas, inexplicably, a pair of slim Caucasian buttocks may taste as wretched as a Roman priest’s testicles.28
Thus my work augmenting Lord Satan’s Manual is more time-consuming than I had expected. More on that after I have addressed the droll pleasantries of your correspondence. In answer to your query, no, I have not yet eaten a Human Female, but many thanks for the recipe for sautéed uterus.
I also thank you for your warning about the ancient Demon Abra Kadab29. Lord Satan neglected to mention that Kadab still inhabited the planet’s core and claimed Earth as his personal property.
After I landed my Hellcraft on the cliffs of the Red Sea, Kadab dramatically appeared, soaring over the water, his vast wings glowing with a thousand mystic letters, and landing before me as I disembarked from my ship.
Abra Kadab Soared Over the Water, His Wings Unfurled with Myriad Mystic Alphabetical Spells
Although three times my size and covered with thousands of blinking silver eyes, Kadab is of the Old School of Evil and ignorant of the modern scientific advances in Black Magic. He widened his bank of eyes at me and thrust a telepathic spike into my head which bespoke his pointed fury: I had, in his jejune opinion, illegally trespassed on his planet. He then conjured a vast, gleaming saber into his claws and slashed at me, roaring that all trespassers must die.
I certainly did not take seriously the threat of this huge, doddering primitive. Ducking the shweesh of his saber, which severed the air molecules above me, I instantly sucked the energy from the disemboweled molecules and blasted a charge of blackness at him, transporting him to the North Pole and freezing him in the center of a glacier. He was gone, but the air still stank of his aura. He is senile, but dangerous. After Lord Satan’s Attorneys stripped Kadab of his legal rights to the Earth, the old fool yearned for revenge. I shall be on guard.
I am presently disguised in human flesh as a “French piano player” and rooming in what is called a “whorehouse,” an establishment wherein male humans, in a brief respite from the viral terror closing in on them, pay to rub and slap their sex flaps and nodules against those of tumescent females (i.e., “whores”) for the purpose of spewing biological effluents into each other’s orifices. In exchange for my room, I enact my piano player duties: I conjure my fingers to pound mathematical patterns (in a mincing style deemed “French”) on the piano teeth to disguise the constant, crapulous sounds of copulation.
You are correct concerning the quaint stench of this planet. From Lord Satan’s entry on the histories of Earth-Density30, the Demon Kadab apparently caused this noxious odor to ward off trespassers. With the invasion imminent, I would advise you to buy Odin Bros. Noseplugs, Ltd. before the stock splits.
Allow me to address the point of this correspondence. This morning, I received Word by Sonic Ambiance that Lord Satan has pushed the Invasion date forward one month. Consider that His Majesty ordered me to finish my research before the invasion date. The problem is, I cannot possibly finish my research in so short a time. Aside from researching how to cook humans with the Plague, I came to Krakow to research other vile subject matter dealing with this time period; thus far, I have only completed research on ABORTION, ADULTERY, ALCOHOL and ACCORDION.
I emailed Lord Satan, explaining the situation. He responded that if I do not complete my work before Black Tuesday, he will begin obliterating one member of my Commission for every day that we are behind schedule. (A facsimile of His Reply, known as The Obliteration Memorandum, and written in High Demonic, is reproduced below for historical interest:)
The Obliteration Memorandum by Lord Satan
If you and I miss the publication date, we too shall be subsumed. His Majesty’s reasoning is that Fear of Obliteration will make us work faster. Perhaps he is right, but since the amount of research is overwhelming, I would prefer that my Commission be killed after their work is completed, not before.
Let me be frank. I know that you, Mr. Pönçé, are in Lord Satan’s Cigar Club. I beg you to intercede on my part. Tactfully explain to His Majesty that I need more time. This I ask, Mr. Pönçé, for both of our sakes.
My problem is this planet. In addition to the planetary stench, and my eczema and chilblains acting up, something unexpected has occurred:
One week ago I took your advice to seek out a human female to eat. As I played piano, I tried to determine which of the various females would taste best as they traipsed through the parlor in between fornications. As I
had just settled on a large yellow-haired specimen with disproportionately large mammary glands, a strange, faint vibration penetrated my aura. It was the sound of a human female whispering or whimpering a spiritual entreaty. I homed in on the sound, conjured my human form to continue playing the piano, and divested myself of the body to investigate.
Out of body, I followed the sound to the front door. Outside, I discovered the source of the whimpering: a human female was kneeling on the front steps of the whorehouse. She was dressed in black raiment of the clergy with a white band strapped around her third eye. Her hands were clasped together, her knuckles white, her eyes clamped shut, her features trembling and supine.
Fate had brought me a nun to devour. I instantly took her up in my invisible arms, ignoring her screams of terror, and carried her into my room.
Encyclopaedia of Hell: An Invasion Manual for Demons Concerning the Planet Earth and the Human Race Which Infests It Page 3