Mr. Pönçé, I do swear that I had every intention of eating her, starting with the raw labia for which I had gathered the ingredients listed in your excellent recipe. But to my amazement, once I conjured her to stop screaming and divested her of her robes, I was unable to take my eyes off her, strangely fascinated by her physical form. Despite the fact that her interior flesh contained bulbous sacs of odious red, yellow and brown waste products, I focused on her exterior and stared at her for hours with something akin to awe and even, I was puzzled to admit to myself, delight.
As I prepared to shave her groin, per your recipe, there was something in the way she looked at me that cut me to the quick. I found myself suddenly awash with waves of revulsion and desire, and felt a creepy-crawly sensation in the scales of my undercarriage.
The revulsion was intense — but delicious. As a result, the energy of hunger was transmogrified into the energy of lust. I conjured myself visible in a shape that would be appealing to her. To my surprise, she melted into my claws with a surge of sexual desire that must have been repressed since her first stinking tumescence.
We copulated, she and I, with a gusto beyond belief. When we had finished, I shifted temporal dimensions, traveling minutes into the past repeatedly so that I was able to fornicate with her again and again, over six thousand times in the same hour.
Keep this anecdote to yourself. I share it with you to make you understand the depths of my dilemma. Unless you intercede on my behalf, Mr. Pönçé, I will never finish and we shall both, at best, be de-balled and gutted.
Yes, I know that I must get rid of the nun, and I shall do so immediately after my fascination with her wears off. But, for now, please keep me informed as to what transpires betwixt you and Lord Satan concerning this extremely urgent matter. There is a bit of tension between myself and the other members of the commission; specifically, Llu Cipher, Mephis Tophiel and Baal Zebub are furious that Lord Satan chose me over them to hold the Commission Chair. While it is true that I am a mere scholar and they are Warriors of Evil, I believe Lord Satan chose me because he did not, in fact, trust them. They are a murderous group and I must watch my back. I shall write you from my next research assignment, approximately six hundred years hence.
With deepest wishes for an Indecorous Evening
Rife with Hideous Nightmare, I remain,
Most hatefully yours,
ZYK
P.S. Send me another copy of Our Lord’s Encyclopædia immediately so that my mission may not be delayed. I stupidly dropped my copy in the Mideast in the Earth year 18 A.D. I determined that the book landed in a construction site in Jerusalem and was stolen by a worker named Jesus Josephson. Hopefully his possession of the first draft of the Manual will not affect Earth’s evolution.31
MANUAL OF EARTH TERMS
THE LETTERS A∼F
a, A (v) n. I command that all Demons loathe the humans’ premiere letter, the despicable mammary from which oozes the pap of human writing. See Literature.
ABANDONMENT (ə bæn dən mənt) n. The recurring, whining complaint of humans to their Mythic God (q.v.).
2
Since deaths resulting from the abandonment of children is legal homicide, the attorneys of Hell extrapolate a class action suit32 leveled by Mankind against their Mythic Redeemer, the charge being the brutal and premeditated mass abandonment and the resulting mass murder of trillions of pathetic humans since their unasked-for creation.
ABBREVIATION (ə brē vē ā shən) n. The convenient distilling of concepts down to simplistic scratchings on paper. Language is the fundamental form of human abbreviation. The inability of most humans to think symbolically (see Fundamentalism) is assisted by language in blocking humans from intercourse with wisdom.
ABDICATION (ăb dĭ kā shən) n. The refusal of a human to wear an absurd spiky hat to work. See King; Queen.
Areas to Gut and Disgorge Note: Excellent Stuffed in a Sub Sandwich
ABDOMEN (ăb də mən) n. The pocket of human organs deemed the most disgusting by humans, yet the most delicious by Demons. See Guts; Intestine.
ABDUCTION (ăb dŭk shən) n. The opposite of abandonment, and the only other crime (with Abandonment, q.v.) of which Mankind accuses God. See Kidnapper.
COMMENTARY BY ASMO DEUS
Referring to an incarnation of Mankind eons ago, the Attorneys of Hell tell of an ancient lawsuit between primitive Man and their mythic God. The human plaintiffs argued that their human form was without their consent shaped from essences and energies abducted from the primal stuff of the Cosmos. In their deposition, the human plaintiffs argued that previous to their abduction and being forced to incarnate, they experienced the bliss of existing as etheric plasma; further, that they were reshaped without permission into the most humiliating life-form in the Cosmos — Humanity.
Unfortunately, this ancient human case was dismissed when, after attempting to select a jury of their mythic God’s peers, it was found that their God had no peer. The Attorneys of Hell, on behalf of Lord Satan, appealed this decision.
Friend of the fetus
ABORTION (ə bôr shən) n. The killing of a fetus with a vacuum cleaner.33
2
While the killing of any human at any stage of development is to be encouraged, it is interesting to note that confused and mincing Humanity alternately whines or gloats that the killing of a fetus with a vacuum cleaner is murder (q.v.) and that the killing of an enemy fetus with a bomb is patriotism. (q.v.)
ABRA KADAB (ă brə kə dăb) n. The infamous pioneer Demon who first explored, mapped and shaped the strange human-infested environs of Earth-Density. A flying, shape-changing Demon versed in Ancient Black Magic, Kadab genetically engineered primitive humankind, devising an ingenious technique to make the noxious human race edible. See Earth; Humanity.
Abra Kadab: The Despised Demon of Earth
Kadab was known for popping a human into his mouth at sub-quantum speed, then telling the dullard human spectators that the victim “magically” disappeared. Abra Kadabra.
In ancient times, Kadab hollowed out the Earth’s center and homesteaded there for eons, keeping a journal on the stalking and eating of humans throughout history, now reputedly in the possession of a puerile human organization known as the Spiritual Security Agency (q.v.). Kadab, inventor of the Umbrella and conjurer of the legendary Wheel of Kadab (q.v.), spends winters in an underwater Palace in an area known as the Bermuda Triangle (q.v.). Abra Kadab’s monographs on Mankind include Techniques of Stalking and Eating Humans ; The Negro Groin — Scrotum Surprise Feeds Eight; Methods of Canning Human Pus; and Dicing and Slicing Orphaned Children.
See Earth; Photosynthesis; Spiritual Security Agency; Wheel of Kadab.
ACADEMY (ə kă də mē) n. Institution in which wealthy human children spend four years learning the cycle of engorging themselves on alcohol and vomiting in toilets.
Hideous Vibration Weapon
ACCORDION (ə kôr dē ən) n. Alpine torture device.34
ACNE (ăk nē) n. When devouring the human face, a delightful natural spice.
ACRE (ā kər) n. That which supplies a mass grave.
Actors Simulating Human Existence
ACTOR (ăk tər) n. 1. A human pretending to be real. 2. That which transforms reality into a sitcom.
17, 18 : Larynx Polyp Makes Crunchy Snack
ADAM’S APPLE (ă dəmz ă pəl) n. Polyp of meat located over the larynx of the human male, selectively evolved by Demonic Human Breeders to be breaded and fried as a crunchy party hors d’oeuvre.
ADDRESS (ă drĕs) n. Logistical reference which humans require for the efficient delivery of pornography.
ADULT (ă dŭlt) n. A human ripe to commit atrocities and pay taxes.
ADVERTISING (ăd vər tī zĭng) n. The seductive lie that dull, neutral chemicals possess intense sex appeal. See Hypnotism; Glamor.
COMMENTARY BY AHRIMAN
The most highly extolled product of modern human technological civilization is Coca-Cola, a liquid mixtu
re of sugar, artificial coloring and carbonated water. The advertising of this valueless product has successfully imprinted its symbology on human brains as divine, orgasmic and the stuff of life itself. As a result, this murky, tawdry, artificial fluid is revered by human dunces as a Divine Tonic of the Gods.
AERONAUTICS (âr ə nô tĭks) n. The science of crashing planes.
Continent of Gunless Bird-brains
AFRICA (ă frĭ kə) n. Continent infested with warring tribes of black-skinned bird-brains. Admirably, however, tribal chieftains on Africa’s Gold Coast (q.v.) supplied white-skinned slave traders with thousands of African women and children in exchange for gold, candy and spats.
COMMENTARY BY AHRIMAN
When hunting humans, Africa is recommended for its supply of large, succulent Negro buttocks and phalluses which, when boiled in Caucasian blood, create a novel flavor prized by the Tastebuds of Hell.
Note, however, that regardless of the intensity of Hunger, Demons should refrain from boiling black flesh in the blood of South African Caucasians. Although rich in chemical toxins, the blood of this inbred tribe has an acrid metallic taste as a result of constantly fondling bars of gold.
AGE (āj) n. That which may be determined by severing a human’s neck and counting the epidermal rings. See Old Age.
AGNOSTICISM (ăg nŏ stĭ sĭ zəm) n. The faculty by which humans intuit that I, Satan, rule the Cosmos. This intuition in humans is tempered by creeping doubts which occur when that rare Good Thing happens to them. See Philosophy.
Agreement : The Smiles of Deceit
AGREEMENT (ə grē mənt) n. An accord reached when humans believe they have successfully cheated each other. See Contract; Handshake.
AGRICULTURE (ă grĭ kŭl chər) n. The human science of evenly dispersing DDT into the water table.
AIR (ĕr) n. 1. Diffused human flatulence. 2. Hated gas which Mankind dedicates its technology to eradicate.
Device for Crushing Humans
AIRPLANE (ĕr plān) n. That which, on a good day, crushes humans against a mountain.35
ALCHEMY (ăl kə mē) n. The process of transmuting one illusory form into another.
COMMENTARY BY ASMO DEUS
Although All Things Evil arise from Lord Satan’s consciousness, the concept of Alchemy exists as a Perceptual Illusion. So too in the Human World. The science of Alchemy in the disgusting human body constitutes the transmuting of sweet-smelling foodstuffs into ghastly-smelling excretions. Humans also transmute food into the energy used to create and maintain thought, and thus Mankind is the ungainly, if not repulsive, meat machine for alchemically transmuting the immaterial from the material. See Elimination.
COMMENTARY BY ZYK
Regarding the alchemical transubstantiation of All and Nothing and the equality of form versus form in the World of Humans, I offer the following crapulous elegy:Like swan and cygnet,
spark and sun
Man and infant are but one
Like brain to body, blood to heart
Man and seed are but a part
As Earth is dirt and flower is germ
So all is atoms and man is worm
As steam to ice and bread to crust
So truth to man and man to dust
As all and nothing form
a circle vicious
Man’s flesh is all and nothing
but delicious
Humans Celebrating Brain Cell Death
ALCOHOL (ăl kə hôl) n. A hallucinatory escape hatch through which a human escapes from the Unspeakable Prison of Himself. See Liquor.
The Only Escape for Humans
COMMENTARY BY LILITH
Alcohol has supreme value to Mankind. Killing brain cells and deadening their tiny intellects, it allows humans to forget that they are absurd, half-conscious specks flitting for an instant betwixt a grotesque birth and deathbed putrefaction. See Brewery.
ALCOHOLIC (ăl kə hôl ĭk) n. See Newspaperman.
ALCOHOLISM (ăl kə hôl ĭzm) n. See Journalism.
ALE (āl) n. Beverage used by human athletes in the Sport of Wife-Beating.
ALIMONY (ăl ĭ mō nē) n. A fee generally paid by a male human for the right to spew sexual fluids upon anyone save his wife. See Divorce.
ALLEGORY (ăl ə gô rē) n. An extended metaphor. For example, a tale of a flesh-eating bacterium slowly eating its way across the human body is an allegory for Mankind’s diseased civilization slowly eating its way across the Earth.
ALL FOOLS DAY (äl fūlz dā) n. A human holiday which is named after the only human truth.
Homeland of the Caucasian Usurpers
AMERICA (ə mĕr ĭ kə) n. A cult of Caucasian invaders who usurped vast tracts of North America for the purpose of transforming all of its natural artifacts into swill. To their further credit, the American morons (q.v.) displayed a unique sense of humor by addicting the conquered natives to alcohol before imprisoning them in scenic death camps: Indian Reservations.
COMMENTARY BY AHRIMAN
This fascinating, ruthless cult first gained prominence on Earth by introducing an amazingly addictive drug called nicotine to Europe. The profits from this addictive drug enabled the American invaders to finance their own nation on the vast tracts of stolen land.
When enterprising humans in Great Britain (q.v.) saw the moneymaking potential in mass nicotine addiction, they attempted to steal America’s profits by a form of legal thievery known as taxation (q.v.). The American Cult refused to comply, and proceeded to kill Englishmen until England agreed to leave them alone.
In order to increase the profits from nicotine addiction, the American Cult sent ships to Africa (q.v.), where the inhabitants did not own guns. There the Americans, who had plenty of guns, negotiated the purchase of eight million gunless humans and brought them back to the stolen tracts of land. The purchased humans were then used as flesh robots to plant and harvest the nicotine-bearing plants. These gunless flesh robots slept in prison camps (see Shanty Town; Ghetto) where they whimpered repetitive, obnoxious songs to their Mythic Creator.
The Cult of America is now owned and operated by seven hundred and seventy-seven Demons now operating undercover in Earth-Density in the fields of banking, oil, drugs and advertising. As the Advance Guard for the Invasion, they have been ordered by our Lord to prepare all humans for their Role as Citizen Slaves, commonly referred to as Consumers. This is being brilliantly accomplished by maneuvering television, film and sports as narcotics to supplant reading and independent thought, while addicting the humans to drugs, machine-controlled physical exercise and religious dogma. The consumer-slaves are now being brainwashed into indentured service through Demon-operated Credit Card Schemes. Soon to be cooked as foodstuffs for You, My Demon Insurgents, humans are presently imprisoned in large low-security prison camps. See Cities.
AMERICAN INDIANS (ə mĕr ĭ kən ĭn dē ənz) n. Race of red-skinned, tribal blockheads who, ignorant of how to engineer something as simple as a house, lived in tents and thus were easily conquered by wily hordes of Caucasians. The surviving red-skins eventually learned engineering from the Caucasians, and proceeded to pave over their sacred burial grounds and erect gambling casinos. See Alcoholism ; On Eating Humans.
Traditional Indian Dance Celebrating Casino Opening
AMPUTATION (ăm pyū tā shən) n. A violent act of fetishism, akin to the tattoo (q.v.), by which a human subconsciously creates accidents or diseases resulting in stubs which are displayed as a pathetic signet of individuality.
AMNESIA (ăm nē zhə) n. Mental aberration in which a human gnat does not know what it is nor where it came from. In short, amnesia is an exact analogy to human existence itself. See Make-believe .
ANALYSIS (ən ăl ə sĭs) n. The hilarious attempt by Humanity to process Reality via their Organ of Stupidity. See Brain.
COMMENTARY BY ASMO DEUS
In “analyzing” phenomena, humans merely gurgle linear permutations of vague, inadequate symbols, hypnotizing themselves into thinking that the symbols a
re the phenomena. See Mathematics.
ANATOMY (ən ă tə mē) n. An effete-sounding word used to camouflage the horror and disgust with which humans view their own gore. In short, a comforting nickname for their own mysterious, terrifying 36 interiors. Unlike Daemonic Anatomy with a single sleek tube from mouth to anus, human anatomy is an absurd jumble of preposterous organs squashed willy-nilly into the human hide. See Part One: On the Grotesque Human Body.
Encyclopaedia of Hell: An Invasion Manual for Demons Concerning the Planet Earth and the Human Race Which Infests It Page 4