Encyclopaedia of Hell: An Invasion Manual for Demons Concerning the Planet Earth and the Human Race Which Infests It

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Encyclopaedia of Hell: An Invasion Manual for Demons Concerning the Planet Earth and the Human Race Which Infests It Page 7

by Olson, Martin


  Vermin Remover

  COMB (kōm) n. 1. A device for removing vermin from the human head. 2. That which moves fading virility from one side of the skull to the other.

  COMEDIAN (kə mē dē ən) n. A rectum with personality which excretes paradox. See Humorist; Joke.

  COMEDY (kä mə dē) n. 1. The least funny human art form. 2. The design of a human being relative to the design of a real life-form. 3. That which results from an equilibrium of the influences of “God” and Satan.48 See Laughter.

  COMMUNICATION (kəm yū nĭ kā shən) n. See Language.

  COMMUNISM (käm yū nĭ zəm) n. Political theory in which the group is less worthless than the individual. See Russia.

  Locating Area for Fresh Rapings

  COMPASS (kəm pəs) n. Directional device which allows humans to sail to unsuspecting countries for the purpose of raping and pillaging. See Map.

  COMPASSION (kəm pă shən) n. That which allows humans to spare the lives of half of the enemy’s women and children. See Mercy.

  COMPUTER (kəm pyū tər) n. A governmental tracking device disguised as a portal of freedom.

  Ghostly Human Building Material

  CONCRETE (kän krēt) n. The most ephemeral substance on Earth, which crumbles to dust with each succeeding civilization.

  CONFUCIANISM (kən fyū shə nĭ zəm) n. Sacred Chinese wisdom-religion known in the West through Charlie Chan movies. See Religion.

  CONGRESS (kän grəs) n. In America (q.v.), a group of alcoholic millionaires entrusted to spend tax dollars on sex parties and on maintaining the enslavement of the price-gouged populace. See Politician.

  Human Using Consciousness To Perceive Distant Sodomy

  CONSCIOUSNESS (kän shəs nĭs) n. That which makes possible the perception of misery. See Creation; Mind; Sodomy; Thought.

  Human Conservative

  CONSERVATIVE (kən sûr və tĭv) n. Member of Rule-Worshipping Cult who advocates fair treatment of corporate slaves. See Liberal.

  CONSPIRACY (kən spîr ə sē) n. In Earth-Density, a group action which includes everyone but you.

  CONSTIPATION (kän stĭ pā shən) n. The hoarding of riches by the human pelvis. See Ordure; Excrement.

  Despised Gore of a Tree Restraining Human Greed

  CONTRACT (kän trăct) n. Piece of paper despised by Hell which inhibits the natural human instinct of greed. See Agreement; Handshake.

  Corporation: Human Employees On the Wheel of Success

  CONSUMER (kən sū mər) n. Member of cult dedicated to watching a Magical Screen which spell-binds the Watcher into the Glamour of Eating and Buying. See America; Living Room; Television.

  CONVENT (kän vənt) n. Barracks where demented lesbians worship morbid statues.

  Preparation of Monk Teriyaki

  COOKING (k kĭng) n. Novel means by which humans boil the vitamins out of fresh food. See Cannibal ; Chain of Eating; Food; Invasion Manual, Part 1, Section 8.

  COOPERATION (kō ä pə rā shən) n. Humans walking hand in hand into the ovens.

  CORONER (kôr ə nər) n. Government-funded necrophiliac.

  CORPORATION (kôr pə rā shən) n. 1. Societal analogy to a cancer cell which expands until it kills the host body of Humanity.

  2. The Skeptical Giant who gleefully stomps on the Superstition of Democracy. 3. The Machinery of Hell. See Capitalism; Money; Office Building.

  Human at Achievement Pinnacle

  CORPSE (kôrps) n. A human at peak performance. See Funeral.

  The Cosmos: Mythic Halitosis

  COSMOS (käz mōs) n. 1. The Mythic Creator’s Frozen Bad Breath. 2. A vast, spooky Fun House which charges at the Exit.

  COSMOLOGY OF EARTH (käz mä lə jē əv ûrth) n. Humanity’s idiotic theory that Earth evolves into a mythic “Heaven,” whereas in truth, Earth evolves after eons of exquisite spiritual degeneration into its Ultimate Destiny — Hell on Earth. See Theology; Universe.

  COMMENTARY BY LORD SATAN

  The Cosmology of Earth is a primitive caricature of the Cosmology of Hell, which radiates the Darkness of Truth. In evolutionary terms, the Cosmology of Hell posits that all life-forms, including human beings, begin in a State of Worthless Innocence and gradually evolve through Pain and Corruption to reach fruition as Perfect Evil Beings, as Attorneys, Theologians or Film Producers.

  The term Cosmology of Hell also refers to the Mystery of the Origin of Hell, a study which I, Satan, have prohibited from Thought or Speech by Demons in all regions of the Cosmos of Hell. My prohibition results not only from the dangerous tenor of this Knowledge, but also from My own Queasiness and Uncertainty over its Improbable but Disturbing Implications.

  I will, however, broach this Taboo Subject here to define My position on this matter, which has

  Special Commentary by His Majesty, Lord Satan

  heretofore caused some dissension among Demon Scholars, Philosophers and You, My Warriors. My Ineffable and Final Statement upon this matter is as follows:

  I, Satan, Had No Beginning and No End, and thus have always Existed. My Executives have often asked Me about the Early Days of the Cosmos of Hell. Unfortunately, My Existence is Longer than My Memory. My inability to Remember the details of My Endless Existence is compounded by the fact that many times in the endless past, in immature fits of pique, I destroyed all Infernal Libraries holding the Records of Early Hell. These rages, lasting eons, resulted in the Destruction of Everything Save Myself. Thus Hell has been Created and Recreated by Myself many times over, and it is Disturbing to Me that I simply cannot remember a time when All That Is was Not.

  During each New Creation of Hell, I would follow the same procedure : splitting Myself into smaller Evil Consciousnesses, each of which would evolve and determine its own mode of development and, if it so wished, reproduction. In this way, My Creation of Hell is Consistent and Immutable. As the Supreme Dictator of Creation, which consists entirely of the Cosmos of Hell, I am satisfied with All That Is. Yet, alone in contemplation, there is a Strange, Microscopic, Resonating Cell within My Being which belies Something Unknown.49 Thus, not wanting to deal with the blather of My Scholars about My own Uncertainties, I banned this subject from discussion. I include it here only in the Interests of Comprehensiveness, and will disallow any other mention of it Here and Now and Forevermore. See Reincarnation.

  COVER-UP (kŭ vər ŭp) n.

  Cosmetic skill developed by acned teenagers and by American presidents.

  COUNCIL OF TOLEDO (koun səl əv tə lē dō) n. Sexually flaccid mob of pasta-eating ignoramuses who claimed to “legalize” the existence of Lord Satan as a personage in A.D. 447. Irritated by these self-important, impotent peabrains, I personally killed each of them in various exquisitely painful ways, then took their bodies back in time, processed their flesh as meat, and fed them to their mothers.

  Country-Western Singers Calling Family for Sexual Copulation

  COUNTRY-WESTERN SINGER (kŭn trē wĕs tərn sĭng ər) n. See Incest.

  COW (kou) n. A foul-smelling, flatulent, moronic beast whose excretions, fittingly, suckle Humanity. See Cheese; Farm; Mammal.

  CREATION (krē ā shən) n. The vast cancerous specter which allows Humanity to suckle from its sickly spiritual teats. See Universe.

  COMMENTARY BY ASMO DEUS

  The human idiots actually believe that infinite creation is delineated exclusively by the pinhole parameters of their pathetic perceptual organs. Humans are akin to the very parasites rippling through their colons, defining their Colonic Cosmos by the density and logistics of the excrement through which they obliviously burrow.

  CRETINISM (krē tən ĭ zəm) n. Generic term denoting the desire to run for public office.

  CRIB DEATH (krĭb dĕth) n. A nickname hopeful human parents give their newborn progeny. See Nickname.

  CRIME (krīm) n. Creative anarchic means by which humans balance financial or sexual inequity.

  COMMENTARY BY BAAL ZEBUB

  Human Crime, as pathetic and incompetent as it is, may be br
oken down into seven categories, delineated in the Table below.

  CHART OF HUMAN CRIME

  Crime Perpetrator Annotation

  Murder. Universal. Suggests a scintilla of hope that Human Insects may soeneday become worthy of Hell.

  Theft. Humans with fewer objects. Acceptable when victim is blind and destitute.

  Beating. Huenau unable to find a gun or knife. Suggests the stupidity of the perpetrator in being unable to find a gun or knife.

  Rape. Males with tumescent penises and no ready access to vaginas. Warning to queasy demons! Involves the grotesque projectile- spewing of torso fluids.

  Extortion. Insurance and taxation executives. Highly admirable.

  Adultery. Humans with sexually tumescent torsos. Warning! Protracted spewing of torso fluids; not for the queasy.3

  Carnage. Humans eager to kill but with no victims “ available. Acceptable only when objects deemed priceless are urinated and shat upon.

  All Human Crime whatsoever involves permutations of the elements in the above Table. Generally, the more imaginative and intense the permutations, the more admirable the crime in the Eyes of Hell.

  Yet, note that the mere cumulative addition of hyphenated crime does not always result in a more admirable atrocity. For example, an Adultery-Extortion- Carnage- Rape may not be as admirable, interestingly enough, as a more simplistic Murder-Carnage-Theft. By the same token, a Beating- Carnage-Adultery-Theft may in the Eyes of Hell be inferior to a traditional Murder-Rape. Crime in Earth-Density, as in the City of Hell, is not judged by the Salvo of the Act Itself, but rather by Its Style and Nuance of Execution. See Insurance ; Kill; Rape; Thief; Violence.

  CRIMINOLOGY (krĭ mə nä lə jē) n. 1. The study of insurance executives. 2. A paradoxical term; a thief, for example, is called a disrespector of property, when in truth a thief respects property so much, he wants it to be his own.

  Brain-Teaser for Gas Chamber Guards

  CROSSWORD PUZZLE (krôs wûrd pŭ zəl) n. That which is studied by bored Auschwitz guards waiting for the poundings and muffled screams to dissipate.

  Space-Time Torture Rack

  CRUCIFIX (krū sə fĭx) n. The irreducible space-time cross upon which Mankind is nailed.

  Early Killer for Christ

  CRUSADES (krū sādz) n. Extremely popular military-religious campaigns organized to kill the Arabs — formerly for Christ, presently for oil and banking conglomerates.

  CRUSADER (krū sā dər) n. See Patriot.

  CRYPT (krĭpt) n. 1. The exquisitely logical downsizing of a house. 2. A microcosmic version of the Cosmos, which is the ultimate macrocosmic Crypt. See Funeral; Mausoleum; Sarcophagus; Universe; Casket.

  Favorite Mineral of Morons

  CRYSTAL (krĭs təl) n. A favorite mineral of morons. A rule of thumb: the number of crystals worn by a human is in inverse proportion to the IQ.

  CUNEIFORM (kyū nē ə fôrm) n. Pretentious depiction of puerile activities which for centuries embarrass the rocks which they defile.

  Miniature Sex Monster

  CUPID (kyū pĭd) p. Sadistic demonette who chains two humans to the exclusive malaise of each other’s slowly decomposing flesh.

  d, D (dē) n. Pictogram of the lolling human tongue, savoring its Meal of Ignorance.

  The Palsied Disco of Mankind

  DANCE (dăns) n. 1. A flopping of human limbs in which a male’s fungus-covered heel repeatedly stomps on a female’s wart-encrusted toe. 2. The palsied Disco of Mankind trying to get laid under the Strobe Light of Creation.

  DAY (dā) n. 1. The garish fright-mask of Night. 2. For Mankind, the least fortuitous grouping of twenty-four hours.

  DEAD LETTER OFFICE (dĕd lĕ tər ŏf ĭs) n. 1. The Earth. 2. Ultimately, the “Universe.”

  DEAFNESS (dĕf nĭs) n. The miraculous faculty which a mythic God exhibits to humans.

  The Black Maw of Nothingness

  DEATH (dĕth) n. 1. A magical scale which gives the toothless, stinking ignoramus and the wealthy, perfumed sophisticate equal weight. 2. The best friend of the necrophiliac. 3. After Mankind races in perfect form to the Finish Line of Death, the automatic trap door which opens, revealing the Black Maw of Nothingness. See Nothingness.

  COMMENTARY BY ZYK

  On the irascible symbiosis between Death and the Myth of Love, I put blood to parchment with the following fulsome sonnet:Though dull with years, the Scythe

  is still incessant,

  Yet lovers lie oblivious to its stroke;

  Their smiles and frowns belie all

  but the present

  As they think to lie in Love’s protective

  cloak.

  But though they lie encircled in

  Love’s keeping,

  They cannot duck the Reaper in his

  fields;

  For though the way of Love

  prefigures sleeping,

  Still counterfeiting Death no

  counter yields.

  What then is served in lying so

  enraptured

  And pledging Endless Love and

  Infinite Truth,

  When Truth within the puny

  human skull is captured

  And Endless Love ends with the end

  of youth.

  Awaken and see: the scythe is still

  incessant,

  And the smiles and frowns of lovers

  ape its crescent.

  Friend of the Necrophiliac

  Death Awaits Corpse to Ripen

  DEATHBED (dĕth bĕd) n. A soft container for unripe corpses.

  DEATH RATE (dĕth rāt) n. The only rate increase which will benefit the Earth.

  DEBT (dĕt) n. Fundamental relationship found in nature between a human and a credit card company. See Money.

  DEBTOR NATION (dĕ tər nā shən) n. A name which, to relieve monotony, has been shortened to nation. See America.

  Detachment of Human Stupidity Container

  DECAPITATION (dĭ kă pə tā shən) n. While this is the only means by which a Demon may be temporarily curtailed (until the head grows back in eleven years), the decapitation of a human creates a noxious hole through which the disgusting inner human effluvia gush forth with great excitement.

  The enthusiasm with which human gore seeks to escape from the body suggests that the human organs themselves revile their captivity in such an absurd and distasteful container.

  Decapitated Deer Collectible

  DEER (dîr) n. A creature whose decapitated head adorns the walls of sexually impotent human males.

  DEGRADATION (dĕ grə dā shən) n. That which Humanity strives to become worthy of.

  DEISM (dē ĭ zəm) n. An absurd philosophy which postulates that an intelligent agency created Humanity. See Theology.

  DEMOCRACY (dĭ mŏ krə sē) n. Superstition used to distract humans from election fraud. See Politician.

  DEMOCRAT (dĕ mə krăt) n. A vegetarian republican. See Liberal; Money.

  DEMONOLOGY (dē mən ŏ lə jē) n. Study of the graduates of Harvard Law School.

  Dentist Stabbing Child’s Food Orifice

  DENTIST (dĕn tĭst) n. That which allows a human to more perfectly devour rotting animal flesh. See Teeth.

  DEPRESSION (dĭ prĕ shən) n. The Cosmos’ post-coital mood swing after Its masturbatory Big Bang.

  DESERTION (dĭ zər shən) n. Cowardly retreat from one’s admirable duty to kill as many fellow humans as possible. See Kill; Soldier; War.

  DETECTIVE (dĭ tek tĭv) n. After the bride and groom, the third most indispensable participant in a marriage.

 

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