Encyclopaedia of Hell: An Invasion Manual for Demons Concerning the Planet Earth and the Human Race Which Infests It

by Olson, Martin

  NEUTER (nū tər) v. The first act a female performs after obtaining a pet or a husband.

  NEW (nū) adj. See Free; Natural .

  Human Distributing Corporate Newsletter

  NEWSPAPER (nūz pā pər) n. Obsolete, in-house corporate newsletter distributed to the populace.

  NEWSPAPERMAN (nūz pā pər măn) n. See Alcoholism.

  NICKNAME (nĭk nām) n. A cute name humans give each other (e.g. Sweetie, Honey, Bunny, etc.) to disguise the fact that they are walking sacks of insensate gore.

  Niece and Uncle

  NIECE (nēs) n. That which is molested by uncles.

  Day Masquerading as Night

  NIGHT (nīt) n. A black mask which Day dons to terrify Humanity.

  NIGHTCLUB (nīt klŭb) n. That which is used after dusk to kill baby seals.

  NIGHTMARE (nīt mâr) n. Except when straining on the commode, that from which humans never awaken.

  NIHILISM (nī (h)ə lĭ zəm, nē ə lĭ zəm) n. The philosophy of a human about to have a tax audit.

  COMMENTARY BY ZYK

  Aping human idiocy, and as a paean to Mankind’s redeeming nihilism, I offer the following sublime and touching verses:

  O my Mother she’s in Mexico

  My Father he’s in France

  My candle’s in my handle

  And my dandle’s in my pants.

  I’ll eat my slop and smack my lips

  And feed the festooning farce,

  And soon I’ll croon a luscious tune

  And I’ll croon it with me arse.

  O some say there’s gods atop

  of the world

  And demons down below,

  But that whores in France

  don’t wear no pants

  Is all humans need to know.

  NOON (nūn) n. A good time for a hanging.

  Excellent Gravity Device

  NOOSE (nūs)n. A happy marriage of gravity and Mankind. See Neck; Noon.

  NORMALNESS (nôr məl nĭs) n. A behavioral oasis for idiots.

  Bulbous Filth Detector

  NOSE (nōz) n. 1. Mucus-filled protuberance which humans thrust into each other’s business, or into their employer’s rectum. 2. That organ by which humans may perceive that they are the greatest stench-creating machines in all of nature.

  NOSTALGIA (nôs tăl jə) n. A mathematics of human sentiment which allows serial killers to wistfully tally up their victims.

  The Ultimate Masquerade

  NOTHINGNESS (nŭ thĭng nīs) n. 1. That which cleverly disguises itself as Everything. See Masquerade. 2. Content of all Human Expression.

  COMMENTARY BY ASMO DEUS

  More than death, it is the Spectre of Nothingness which humans fear most. For its immense, silent, immutable presence offers no comfort to the neurotic, Insignificant Human Race, whose greatest desire is that which is impossible — for Mankind to be Significant. See Death.

  NOVA (nō və) n. 1. A star which, when first feeling its tendrils of light touching human flesh and thus being defiled, commits suicide. 2. Troublesome mid-’70s Chevy.

  NOVICE (nô vĭs) n. A human with respect to actual thinking.

  NOWHERE (nō wâr) n. 1. Where all humans begin and end. 2. Where you, Demon Reader, are now. See Nothingness.

  NUDISM (nū dĭ zəm) n. The ultimate obscene act in which a human willfully exposes his naked nodules to the Cosmos.

  NUMBER (nŭm bər) n. That which facilitates the counting of corpses.

  Devotee of Lesbian Cult

  NUN (nŭn) n. Member of a bizarre lesbian cult which worships the statue of a male nailed to a crossbeam.

  Perverse Narcophobic

  NURSE (nûrs) 1. n. Perverse narcophobic who straps corpses to breathing tubes. 2. v. To cruelly prolong an infant’s misery by allowing it to suckle from a female teat, instead of letting it die. See Wet Nurse.

  NYLON (nī lŏn) n. Clothing worn by human pinheads to simulate nakedness.

  NYMPHOMANIAC (nĭm fə mā nē ăk) n. Female who craves the absurdly mutated clitoris of the male.

  o, O (ō) n. The shape the human mouth assumes during torture.

  OASIS (ō ā sĭs) n. 1. In the sun-blistered desert of human knowledge, the Mirage of Meaning. 2. Formerly, a lush pocket of clean water between sand dunes; presently, a filthy truck stop run by a toothless cretin.

  OBEDIENCE (ō bē dē əns) n. The magical agency which transforms humans into dogs. See Military ; Patriotism.

  COMMENTARY BY AHRIMAN

  According to the Cosmology of Hell (q.v.), the Cosmos operates on the Law of Obedience. This Law dictates that If the Big Can Crush the Small, then It Must. In the case of Mankind, this is in reference to their absurdly puny intelligence. Thus, as the least intelligent creatures in the cosmos, humans must submit to every other living thing or be instantly killed.

  OBITUARY (ə bĭ chū âr ē) n. Joyous announcement of one less human soiling the Cosmos. See Casket; Coffin; Corpse; Death; Death Bed; Death Rate; Nothingness.

  OBJET D’ART (ôb zhā där) n. Random object to which humans affix a price tag. See Art Dealer.

  OBLIVION (ə blĭ vē ən) n. 1. That which patiently waits behind the gaudy Mask of Creation. 2. A human’s future.77

  OBSCENITY (əb sĕn ə tē) n. Copulation — which, in serving to propagate Mankind, is universally conceded, even by the mindless humans themselves, to be the Ultimate Abomination.

  COMMENTARY BY BELIAL

  Humans’ obsessive appendage-insertions and fluid-spewing is, to Demons, not obscene, but rather, light, clownish entertainment. What is obscene — as surely as is the Poisonous Light Reekin from the Center of the Cosmos — is the very existence of Mankind who, having evolved from Light Particles, insult and befoul the Splendor and Purity of our Blackly Evil Cosmos.78

  OBSTACLE (ŏb stə kəl) n. That which temporarily impedes a human from failure.

  OCCULT LITERATURE (ə kəlt lĭt (ə) rə chər) n. That which ǵluts a bookstore discount bin.

  OCEAN (ō shən) n. See Dump; Pollution; Cesspool.

  ODOR (ō dər) n. Aside from stupidity, the only outstanding characteristic of Humanity. See Smell.

  Prisoners Hypnotized By Magical Screen

  OFFICE BUILDING (ŏ fĭs bĭl dĭng) n. Cell-block in prison cities which sedates uniformed inmates with fluorescent lighting and hypnotic Muzak.

  OFFICIAL (ə fĭ shəl) n. A beast with a name tag.

  OFF-THE-RECORD (ŏf thə rĕ kərd) adj. In legal depositions, types of statements disallowed by lawyers because they contain dangerous amounts of honesty which may corrupt the proceeding.

  OIL (oil) n. The flammable sweat of Satan.

  OLD AGE (ōld āj) n. 1. The portion of human life most fortuitous for experiencing the terror of death. 2. Age at which the human brain organ atrophies from lack of use.

  Old Maid with Extra Skirt to Screen Vulvic Odor

  OLD MAID (ōld mād) n. Foul-smelling virgin. See Bachelor.

  OMELETTE (äm (ə) lĭt) n. Suave camouflage term for a fried fetus.

  OMNISCIENCE (äm nĭ shəns) n. See Pervert.

  ONE (wŭn) n. That which Evil denies. See Loneliness.

  ONENESS (wŭn nĭs) n. A mystical state of cosmic intimacy humans experience, for example, during prison rape.79

  Organic Emotion Simulator

  ONION (ŭn yən) n. Vegetable secreted in the palm of the hand by televangelists while begging for money.

  OOZE (ūz) v. The happy movement of a human brain once it is freed from its prison of skull by an ax.

  Flesh-Gutting Tool

  OPERATION (ŏ pər ā shən) n. The admirable act of gutting a human for profit.

  Tedium Magnified

  OPERA GLASSES (ô pər ə glă səz) n. That which supplies a close-up view of tedium.

  OPPORTUNITY (ŏp ər tū nĭ tē) n. The shimmering gateway to failure.

  OPTIMISM (ôp tə mĭ zəm) n. The carrot which Death dangles over a cliff.

  Human Optimist

  OPTIMIST (ôp tə mĭst) n. In the c
ancer ward, a human who believes he is half-empty of cancer, instead of half-full.

  ORDURE (ôr jər) n. See Excrement .

  Orgasmic Orphanage Fire

  ORGAN GRINDER (ôr gən grīn dər) n. A human who tortures a monkey by chaining it to an accordion.

  ORGASM (ôr gă zəm) n. In the absurd claptrap of human physiology, the ten-second bio-electric discharge which motivates all human endeavor. See Dildo; Love; Marriage; Rape.

  ORGY (ôr jē) n. Activity in which humans spew ghastly bodily fluids upon one another like clowns with seltzer bottles.

  Human Clowns Performing in Orgy Circus

  Orphans of Nothingness

  ORPHAN (ôr fən) n. The most fortunate of humans who has never endured the torture of a mother’s love. See Family; Fatherhood ; Loneliness; Mother; Sex-Slave.

  ORPHANAGE (ôr fən ij) n. An arsonist’s masterpiece.

  Mystic Vestibule

  OUTHOUSE (out hous) n. A vestibule which allows Man to commune with his inner self. See Astronaut; Hemorrhoids; Hygiene; Manure; Sophistication.

  OXYGEN (ŏks ə jən) n. An element the lack of which facilitates human suffocation.

  p, P (pē) n. A pictogram of the male groin, making the sound of fluid emptying from the bladder.

  PACIFISM (pă sə fĭ zəm) n. In capitalist countries, a dupe movement of vicious terrorists; in terrorist countries, a dupe movement of vicious capitalists.

  PADDING (pă dĭng) n. Ninetenths of the female form, the other tenth being girdling.

  Spikes of Pain Caused by Friend’s Happiness

  PAIN (pān) n. Human sensation derived from a friend’s success.

  PAIN-KILLER (pān kĭl ər) n. To humans, death (q.v.).

  PAINTING (pān tĭng) n. The vicious vandalizing and torture by humans of a clean piece of canvas. See Art.

  Costume Worn During Night Terrors

  PAJAMAS (pə jă məz) n. Costume worn by humans during night terrors, burglaries and rapes.

  Hand Predicts Transfer of Money From Ignoramus to Gypsy

  PALMISTRY (pä(l)m ĭs trē) n. The ability to look at a human hand and predict how much money can be pulled from its owner’s pocket.

  PANTHEISM (păn thē ĭ zəm) n. The absurd and demented human theory that Good (or “God”) exists in every thing, and also in, therefore, Demons, Hell and in Myself. This would mean that I, Satan, were merely a grotesque mask, a hollow gargoyle, a leering frontispiece, an epithet of rote negation smugly issuing from the ass of a Hypothetical God.80 Such an unseemly notion is, of course, unacceptable, since it rips the Black and White from their Cosmos and replaces it with an insipid Gray.81

  Sewage-Dampening Apparatus

  PANTIES (păn tēz) n. 1. Genitalia-covering worn by a human female to absorb urine, blood and excrement. 2. The most sensuous of garments to the human male.

  PAPER (pā pər) n. An intervening substance by which humans transform trees into pornographic magazines.

  PARABLES OF LORD SATAN (pâr ə bəlz əv lôrd sā tən) n. For the relationship of the Precious Teachings to Humanity, see Stupidity.

  Human Parade

  PARADE (pə rād) n. A pageant representing Earth life in which humans proudly march to Nowhere.

  PARCEL POST (pär səl pōst) n. The most efficient way for humans to lose parcels.

  PARDON (pär dən) v. That which a leader does to criminal allies.

  PARKING LOT (pär kīng lŏt) n. That into which humans transform a forest.

  “Greetings, Cunty McFuckhead”

  PARROT (pă rət) n. Innocent animal capable of speech which humans almost exclusively teach obscenities.

  COMMENTARY BY ZYK

  Since Lord Satan commanded that we humiliate and confuse humans before eating them, I discovered that a human female named Mother Theresa owned a parrot, and invoked the Spell of Ghast upon its mind so that the bird would always greet her guests with perverse profanity.

  PARTY (pär tē) n. Humans gathering to share the richness of the human experience. See Nazi Party.

  PASSPORT (păs pôrt) n. That which allows the import and export of venereal disease.

  PATIENT (pā shənt) n. That which a physician price-gouges. See Doctor.

  PATIO (pă tē ō) n. Area where a human’s dog usually rips apart the neighbor’s kitten.

  Human Patriots

  PATRIOT (pā trē ət) n. A courageous human who refuses to question orders to murder civilians. See Gangster; Soldier; Politician.

  PATRIOTISM (pā trē ə tĭ zəm) n. The single greatest supplier for Hell’s vast toilet flush of souls.

  PATSY (păt zē) n. A human who admires politicians, clergymen and celebrities.

  PAWNSHOP (pôn shäp) n. Establishment where a human sells its grandmother’s heirlooms to purchase crystal meth.

  PEACE (pēs) n. Unnatural, perverted state in which humans refrain from their natural instincts to kill each other. See War.

  PEACEMAKER (pēs mā kər) n. Human who salves the wounds of two opposing sides, in order to more effectively steal from both.

  PEACE OFFICER (pēs ôf ə sər) n. Killer for the military.

  PEACE TIME (pēs tīm) n. The enemy of capitalism.

  Dung Exuded by Mollusk

  PEARLS (pərl) n. Ropes of oyster dung used by females to misdirect the eyes away from their grotesque double chins and neck wrinkles.

  PEDICURE (pĕ dĭ kyr) n. A temporary salve for a human’s perpetually stinking feet.

  PELVIS (pĕl vĭs) n. The part of the body which excretes fetid waste matter, horrific gases, and human babies.

  Human Penis Note: Before eating tenderize with Meat-Hammer.

  PENIS (pē nĭs) n. 1. That which spews sewage into an orifice which, nine months later, regurgitates a man. 2. That which fills with blood drained directly from the male brain. See Testicles; Vagina.

  COMMENTARY BY LORD SATAN

  Obsessed from morning till night by thoughts of the penis, humans refer to this nauseating appendage by a multitude of incomprehensible euphemisms, too numerous and puerile to mention in this concise encyclopedic tome.82

  PENIS ENVY (pē nĭs ĕn vē) n. While serving roasted humans, the rivalry between Demons over who will devour the penis.

  Church of Black Magicians

  PENTAGON (pĕn tə gän) n. A vast pentagram hieroglyph built by human black magicians to invoke nuclear Demons.

  PERCEPTION (pər sĕp shən) n. Complex system of peepholes in the head which enable humans to view pornography while masturbating themselves unconscious.

  PERFECTION (pər fĕk shən) n. Ultimate Evil, a Finish Line which humans can never reach.83