Encyclopaedia of Hell: An Invasion Manual for Demons Concerning the Planet Earth and the Human Race Which Infests It

by Olson, Martin

  It was the most hideous experience I had ever had. Yet it was the most important. With the reality of her corpse now being eaten by worms, I had scaled the mountain of meaning and unexpectedly reached a new plateau in my journey toward Ultimate Evil.

  Now, Mr. Pönçé, I have been summoned by sonic resonance to the Palace of our Lord Satan. There I know beyond certainty that it is my turn to Unexist, that Utter Obliteration at my Lord’s hand awaits me.

  Our work is done, my detestable friend. May the Filthy Gourd-Falcons of Gincko empty themselves from afar on your Grandmother’s Glottis. Faithfully, I remain

  Most hatefully yours,

  ZYK

  PUBLISHER’S NOTE ON THE ADDENDA TO THE 666TH EDITION

  ON THE HATEFUL HISTORICAL SPEECHES AND CORRESPONDENCES OF CALUMNY APPENDED TO LORD SATAN’S ENCYCLOPÆDIA

  From the beginning of Evil Time, all Demon warriors and students who crave Black Knowledge have studied and absorbed each of the Six Hundred and Sixty-Six Thousand, Six Hundred and Sixty-Six words comprising Satan’s Supreme Encyclopaedia. Yet for many these were not enough. Insatiable Demon seekers throughout time and space have clamored for more of the precious evil material from Lord Satan’s Secret Library, written in His own claw.

  However, the contents of the Secret Library of Satan are forbidden to the filthy hordes of Demons demanding them. The Library’s despicable contents are only made available to those few Demons through the centuries whose black souls are configured with the correct correlation of contempt and disingenuousness. To all other evil seekers, the punishment for entering Satan’s Library is the Gouging Out of the Eyes, Decapitation and Shoveling Fecal Matter into the Neckhole, and, if a Demon has not only touched but licked pages of Satan’s precious volumes, the perpetrator will often be forced to read a Treatise of Shame after it has been tattooed inside the epidermal walls of his excretory tube, after his head has been shoved through the threshold of his own external sphincter.

  But due to the relentless and urgent cacophony of hate bellowed by the leading Demon scholars of Hell University, demanding access to the most comprehensive evil repository of learning in the Universe, as well as the blackmailing of Satan’s archival librarians for illegal kindnesses to filthy whores, four of the most Evil Historical Documents in the History of the Hell Cosmos were finally released. The salient condition of this astounding gesture on the part of Lord Satan was that no other documents would be released until the End of Time, or until right after it. Due to the Danger and secrecy surrounding all things Satanus Bibliotheque, the documents in question follow, revealing much concerning the Aftermath of the Invasion and Lord Satan’s Astounding Revelation at the Conclusion of the Invasion of Earth.

  Mortimer Pönçé, Publisher

  Mind Control Press, Ltd.

  City of Hell

  ADDENDUM 1

  LORD SATAN’S INVASION PROCLAMATION

  AN ADDRESS TO THE GENERALS OF HELL

  FROM THE PLATFORM OF PFANG

  IN SATAN’S PALACE

  UPON THE EVE OF THE

  INVASION OF EARTH

  BY

  SATAN

  LORD OF HELL

  I, SATAN,

  Imperator of the Vast Majesty of Hell within which Live and Move all Demons and their Evil Empires, hereby decree that Earth, the acrid armpit of the cosmos, shall be annexed to the City boundary of Hell, subjecting by force Earth’s autochthonous, primeval population to Hell’s Unequivocal Rules of Torture, Disorder and Trickle-Down Economic Theory.

  The reason for this Decree is Manifest. Hell Environs are glutted with an Excess of New Demonic Souls which require, deserve and demand a new spatial existence. And since Earth’s location is adjacent to that of Hell along the Phalanx of Space and Time, the Planet of Filth, Indolence and Stupidity is the Natural Choice for Invasion by Imminent Domain, and because I Decree It So.

  Therefore, tonight, the Eve of Black Michaelmas, I reveal to You, My Joint Chiefs of Blackness, your Role in the Plan. The attack shall be orderly, stealthy, insidious. It shall proceed in waves, and be ruthless beyond measure.

  The Invasion of Earth shall consist of five Waves of Conquest, as follows:1.

  Eight million V-6 Pentagonal Hellcrafts will traverse the Solar Phalanx to Earth (the route used by Scows which dump Hell’s Trash on Earth). These craft, invisible to Humans, will hover over all Earth Slave Encampments, or “cities, ” and, using acoustic weapons, lull them into a submissive stupor, directing into all human minds a series of thought-numbing frequencies known as Soft Rock and Smooth Jazz.

  2.

  Forty-one million Luxury Cruisers, also invisible, will land on city rooftops, carrying sixty-six million Demon graduates of Hell University’s School of Corporate Law. Disguised as humans, they will quickly integrate into Earth’s Corporate Structure and, communicating via hellphone-Communicators, craft the sixmonth plan of Legal Domination and Ownership of Earth and all of its Physical and Intellectual Property Rights, as well as all Dominions and Principalities Therein, including Strip Malls.

  3.

  The Excess Population of the City of Hell, totaling more than eighteen trillion Demonic entities, shall follow in twenty million very crowded Pentagonal Hellcrafts. All Demon Immigrants are reminded to grease their hides to facilitate squeezing past one another in the passenger sections.

  Lord Satan’s Invasion Proclamation from the Platform of Pfang

  4.

  I, Satan, shall then arrive in a Hellcraft of Fire, upon Wheels within Wheels, and, through acoustic mind-transmissions, and interrupting all prime-time television, Internet broadcasts and social networking sites, Announce to all of Earth that as of that Instant, All of Mankind is now the Official Property and Chattel of Hell.

  5.

  Hors d’oeuvres shall be served to All Earth Politicians, followed by their being Cooked Alive and Eaten in a Special Live Worldwide Broadcast. The inevitably high ratings of this broadcast will set the tone of a New Age of Fear and Prosperity for all Demons!

  [Cheers]

  The Excellence of My Plan, O Demon Chiefs, is manifest. And the slightest, most infinitesimal hint of dissension from any of y ou will result in Instant Obliteration. Know the Plan. Fear the Plan. Fear your Lord Satan with every Thought and Deed. The Key Word here is Fear.

  When next we speak, Earth shall be Mine. At that time, I shall address you again with a New Message. For the Hell Cosmos is in transition. Evolution is the Secret of True Evil, and the next Magnificent Stage of Hell’s Debased Evolution is at Hand. I know you yearn ceaselessly for My Approval. Conquer the Scum Pit of Earth, and My favor, in small measure, shall be yours.

  Until that time, and with Powerful Thoughts of Immense and Enduring Hatred, I bid you and your Armies an enjoyable journey through the Roiling Ethers of Space-Time, through the Cross-Roads of Horus, through the Glittering Evil of the Arc of Bon, spiraling down, deep into the Sea of Hyrim to the Fetid, Foul-Smelling Heinous Hole that is Planet Earth. May each of your Total Existences, replete with Disease, Disaster, Duplicity and Death, be Faithful Microcosms of Cosmic Evil, now and Forevermore!

  [Deafening Cheers]

  ADDENDUM 2

  LORD SATAN’S EPISTLE TO ZYK

  FROM

  SATAN

  LORD OF HELL OF THE COSMOS

  AND ALL MANIFESTATIONS OF

  COMPLETE AND UTTER EVIL THEREOF

  SATAN’S PALACE, CITY OF HELL

  TO

  ZYK OF ASIMOTH

  POET IN ETERNAL RESIDENCE

  UNIVERSITY OF HELL

  CITY OF HELL

  MY MOST DESPISED AND CLOYING POET: Since you are, shall we say, ten percent competent, and vaguely biased toward Reason, you must know that I summoned you to My Palace to Crush you to Ethers, as I have crushed the others of your Commission for their tardiness, as well as for their inane plot to assassinate Me and take over the Hell Cosmos. True, you were not part of their dimwitted conspiracy, and did faithfully complete your mission to research and co
mplete My Encyclopaedia (although your poems alone deem you worthy of rusty spikes hammered through your eye sockets), I had intended to obliterate you nonetheless, if for no other reason than aesthetic consistency.

  But that was then. Now, My Poet, I need you for another Purpose. I will not consign you to the Dustless Dust. Instead of killing you, I am promoting you — to take My place as King of Hell.

  This is not as absurd as it sounds. I am of course aware that you are unqualified to lick the smallest molecule of My regenerative organ. But the fact is, I care not whether you Exist or Unexist; I care only to discover the Meaning of My Existence. Now that the Invasion is completed, and the humans of Earth will be enslaved by the hordes of Demons disguised as lawyers and receptionists, I shall announce My abdication as Ruler of Hell on the Platform of Earth, My feet firmly planted on Mankind’s vanquished corpse, and lay bare the Facts.

  Of course, all facts, names and numbers are lies. Therefore My Subjects shall know nothing of the real reason for My retirement. But because you are taking My place, I shall tell you, although you will not understand a trice of what I say.

  Here is My reasoning in brief; in a moment I will recap and explain more fully so that the basic concepts will penetrate your thick skull:1.

  The distasteful study of Humanity, necessary for the success of our invasion, brought to My attention the hithertofore unexplored concept that Anti-Evil has value, since it enriches the strength of Evil by contrast.

  2.

  But this implies the cringe-producing reality of the concepts of Goodness and Infinity, Taboo Thoughts punishable from Time Immemorial by arrest, torture and Banishment from Hell. Unfortunately, since I cannot banish Myself, although I have tried, this insidious line of thinking leads Me to a conclusion which is unbearable in its essence, yet inescapable, a logical progression toward the Greatest Horror Imaginable for One such as I:

  3.

  For if there is a possibility that Infinite Oneness exists, then logic dictates the possibility that I am not the Supreme Sovereign of the Cosmos, but rather a mere Created Being, much like You and the myriad yahoos I Myself created. (Now, I am not saying that this is so. I am merely waltzing in shadows with the possibility of its existence. But this unthinkable hypothesis is so intriguing and important to Me that I must know the truth.) This leads Me to the following:

  4.

  If, indeed, I was Created by some Other, then I must seek out this detestable a priori Creator — and kill him. Only then will I reign supreme. (Besides, if such an Abominable Being does exist, He deserves only Death for Hiding Himself from Me.)

  I hinted at these conclusions in My Manual of Earth Terms; in fact, My gloss of these particulars in the entry Supreme Being caused your asinine associates to conspire to kill Me, for which they were, of course, summarily crushed and rendered into limpid and niminy-piminy piles of dust.

  But as a result of these supremely unpleasant conclusions, I must be bold and act swiftly. Therefore, I will leave the immediate environs of Hell-Density and, using My Unparalleled Sense of Smell, track down My Creator through the Cracks in the Cosmos. When or if I find Him, We shall come face to face, and before I kill Him, I shall force Him to tell Me why He made Me, and what, indeed, is the Purpose of This, His Creation.

  Now you may begin to understand.

  For as a result of writing this Manual on the study of Man, I faced a Great and Unspeakable Secret: that neither Evil nor Good can exist separately, not without clasping each other, white hand in black claw, firmly and resolutely together through the inanely gyrating Barn Dance of Eternity known as Manifest Creation.

  And so, although in truth I forever wield the Glittering Sword of Evil, the Source of that Force which needs must Decapitate the Head of Heaven, Hide the Light, Blacken the White in a rage of blind obduracy, still there can be no Meaning whatsoever in the Fire of My Existence, nor in the Existence of the pure Goodness of Man’s Hypothetical God; there can be meaning only in that which accrues the qualities of both, and makes Both Real by Contrast, the Restless Impurity that is midway between these Opposites, the synthesis of the two.

  To ensconce the energy of that midpoint in Sentient Form is the Torturous Role of Mankind, whose head touches the empty Illusion of their Mythic Heaven and whose feet touch the all-too-real Color, Substance and Mad Reality of Hell.

  To speak an Abomination: Hell, which is Death, is the Body of Creation, and Heaven, which is Life, is its Mysterious Movement.

  I know, however, that you cannot understand Me.

  For I am admitting that which I must not, the Possibility of My Own Incompleteness. And as the One-Eyed King of Existence, the Lord of One Half of this Geometric Surd, I also avow the laughable queasiness of My understanding of this arising from My study of the philosophies of the annoying Flesh of Humanity, and offer as My absolution for the lack of depth in My Encyclopedic Manual the imperfect perfection of My Unalterable Polarity.

  In this admission, I acknowledge that I feel Myself evolving. In this admission, I acknowledge a need to find and kill My Creator in order to maintain My Sovereignty. For I am tugged by a strange umbric resonance, albeit ghastly and unendurable, a feeling that if I, Satan, am a Mere Created Being, then it may be impossible to kill My Creator.

  In that case, I am destined to face My reluctant Acceptance of Myself as a Subset of All That Is, to Distastefully Embrace the twittering prance of emotion which must be a shadow of the Hypothetical Creator’s Fundamental Excretion, otherwise known as the Abomination of Love.

  Indeed, despite the Cosmology of Hell — that each Entity slowly evolves through Lessons of Suffering, Pain and Corruption to a Divine Destiny of Evil Perfection — perhaps My Destiny is to ever evolve toward this (to Me) Odious and Supremely Unpalatable Ordure.

  Still, if He Exists, I must first attempt to kill Him. If I can, know that I certainly shall.

  So there you have it.

  One more thing. The decision to abdicate came after I obliterated Mephis Tophiel, who would certainly have been a more apt successor to the Throne of Hell than You. I shudder to picture a Demon with such an effeminate buttonhole of a job as Poet as the Unforgiving King of Evil.

  But still, you are all that’s left, Zyk, so that’s that.

  Good-bye.

  I have packed My bags and am leaving directly after My Speech.

  And may Nightmare, My Eternal Poet, Forever fill the Null of Your Dreams.

  SATAN

  Ex-King, Late of Hell

  P.S. The rear left leg of the Palace Throne wobbles slightly and needs a folded piece of cardboard shoved under it.

  And if I forget, or don’t have time to do it before I leave, please kill My wife.

  ADDENDUM 3

  LORD SATAN’S ABDICATION SPEECH

  AN ADDRESS TO THE ARMIES OF HELL

  ON THE RUBBLE OF LAS VEGAS

  OVER VANQUISHED EARTH

  BY

  SATAN

  LORD OF HELL

  GREETINGS, MY CREATURES OF HELL ! I congratulate you on your success. Earth is now beaten and annexed to the Territory of Lower Hell. The Demon Kadab, the last holdout on this Insane Asylum Planet, has been Obliterated. There remains only for our Legions of Demons to infiltrate and take over. You have done well!

  [Cheers from the Demon Throng]

  The Successful Invasion of Earth bespeaks a New Word in the Language of Hell. That Word is Evolution. I have been the Ruler of Evil for Countless Eons. Indeed, I Created each and every one of you, as well as the Swollen Black Brilliance engulfing the Stars in the Cosmos of Hell. And now, the conquest of Earth presages a Vast Change.

  The change I speak of is in the Rulership of Hell. My hateful Creatures, I hereby proclaim, as of this moment, My Abdication as King of Hell.

  [Gasps]

  It is right for you to Fear This Change. Fear is the essence of your Souls. But Fear with Respect, not with Confusion. Although I am gone, I promise you that the Hideousness of Hell shall continue and that you will all wr
ithe in Unspeakable and Unbearable Torment for Eons and finally dissipate into a Meaningless Nothingness!

  [Cheers]

  Why, you may ask, am I abdicating the Greatest Throne in the Cosmos? Because I, Satan, Whose Rule Is Law, so desire. I am, you see, a Complex Being and Incomprehensible to You, My Hideous Creations. I sense that which you cannot, that it is My Destiny to Seek Out the Deeper Mysteries of the Cosmos: the Meaning and Origin of Evil and the Ultimate Plan of Existence. And if this Plan does lie hidden in the Invisible Grid of the Cosmos, it awaits Me now. To seek out this Plan, My Demons, is My Satanic Purpose!