15 NOTE BY MEPHIS TOPHIEL: When grammatical clauses herein deal with ambiguous gender, Lord Satan commanded that the masculine form be used, not for convenience, but because of the supreme superiority of males.*
* NOTE BY LILITH: Since I have worked ceaselessly under Zyk’s mandate to complete this book before the Invasion date, I am compelled by the Truth of Evil to abrogate and renounce Mephis Tophiel’s Opinion. Male or female Demons, of course, are equally evil in Demonhood; the reviling of female energy reflects the Insecure Exclusivity of male-dominated Hell.
16 NOTE BY LORD SATAN: While the brashness of the mendacity of Chairman Zyk is to be commended, still the depths of his insincere, sycophantic remarks, blatantly kissing the Ass of Hell, renders his praise vaguely irritating. It is true, however, that the hatred of his Commission for each other was subsumed by the enormity of the task at hand, and for Zyk’s torturous obedience to Myself, and for faithfully delivering unto Me his Quaint Annotations to this Volume, I deign to accept his sickly redolent praise.
17 NOTE BY LORD SATAN: Mankind’s delusion that angels, a genetically inferior species of inbred, bucktoothed Demons, are representatives of a Mythic God of Goodness, is typical of their superstition that the Cosmos of Stars is an Infinite Etheric Heaven, as opposed to what it really is: the Glitter of Infinite Hell. (See Cosmology of Hell.)
18 NOTE BY LORD SATAN: See Soul Cycle.
19 NOTE BY GOD, LORD OF THE PERSONIFIED UNIVERSE: Here Satan adopts the term Angel as used by Mankind. These angels, as Satan correctly points out, are in reality disguised Demons. I would never suffer You, My Angels, to visit Earth, a world too harsh for Your sublime sensibilities. Besides, as You know, I do not use emissaries. I have no middleman. I work with Humanity as I do with all of My Beings — directly. I exist in all dimensions of space-time simultaneously, touching My Universe directly beneath the surface of perceptual illusion, helping creatures in proportion to the sincerity (or novelty) of their Call. (Satan, of course, may do the same if He wishes, but that is His business. I give Mankind the freedom to run their own lives, interfering only when asked, or when a whimsical or contrary mood strikes Me. This freedom is shared in kind by all sentient specks of my creation, including humans.) Thus, Satan’s explanation of “Earth angels” is correct, despite His ignorance of the existence of Myself or of You, My Heavenly Angels.
20 ED. NOTE: For a firsthand account of the crash of Demon Angels at Roswell, New Mexico, Earth, see Zyk’s Third Memo to the publisher.
21 This illustration, and several others scattered among these pages, were rendered by a feeble human artist attempting to barter his paltry skills in exchange for not being eaten. After completing these draw ings, he was of course instantly flambéd in sauces mixed the brain fluid of an art critic. Despite the boorish earthly aesthetic of these drawings, I, Lord Satan, insisted on their inclusion to inure Demons to the whorishness of human artisans.
22 NOTE BY LORD SATAN: Of course, since Hell exists as Earth’s future, such a destruction would cause a time-paradox, since Hell could not exist without the existence of Earth. I boldly dealt with this tedious problem by casting a Subatomic Spell upon the Plasma of Space-Time, banishing all Time-Paradox.
23 NOTE BY ASMO DEUS: When Demons first built Hellcraft under Lord Satan’s direction and began to arc through Time-Space, the first paradox to be encountered involved Demons traveling into the distant Past to eat their own ancestors (before their evolution into immortal Demonhood), since one’s own flesh is, of course, by definition more succulent and delicious than that of a stranger. Of course, eating one’s ancestors meant that the Demon devouring them would not come into existence. As explained above, this paradox posed a serious problem in the early days of time-travel, resulting in the Banishing of Paradox from the Mathematics of Time.
24 ED. NOTE: See Zyk’s Fourth Letter to the Publisher for a visceral example of a temporal cleanup after the assassination of the human known as “JFK.”
25 NOTE BY GOD, LORD OF THE PERSONIFIED UNIVERSE: Remember, My Angels, that it is not Satan’s fault that his visualization of space-time evolution is precisely reversed. It is My fault, since I created him with the inability to know the true future. The truth, of course, is that the Central Orb of Hell is actually the selfsame Planet Earth in its Distant Past, not its Distant Future.
Why did I create Satan with this absurd blind spot? Because if he were able to time-travel into the real future, he would then discover the existence of Heaven before he was ready. And it is crucial to My Plan that Satan feel the existence of Heaven first, not simply discover it. This intuition on Satan’s part would only happen when his single
heart atom began to throb, resonate and grow as a result of studying the strange paradoxes of Human Existence.
Know, My Angels, that although Existence is often ridiculously confusing, I actually have a Divine Plan. As for what that Plan is, that’s for Me to know and for You to find out.
26 ED. NOTE: See Cosmology of Hell.
27 NOTE BY GOD, LORD OF THE PERSONIFIED UNIVERSE: Again, My Angelic Readers, Lord Satan knows not that the City of Hell must first evolve into Las Vegas, and later into the City of Heaven, all three cities occupying, respectively, the same location on Earth’s surface in its past, present and future.
28 ED. NOTE: See Plague.
29 ED. NOTE: As the Demon who in ancient times homesteaded and claimed Earth as his personal property, Abra Kadab (q.v.) figures prominently in my memos to Mr. Pönçé.
30 ED. NOTE: See Earth.
31 ED. NOTE: Unfortunately, Jesus Josephson was inspired by Satan’s Evil Parables, eventually plagiarized them as his own and created a perverse inversion of Satan’s teachings, which were originally intended as sarcasm. Jesus’ followers multiplied accordingly and carried out mass killings in his name. So it was not all bad. See Stupidity and Zyk’s Last Memo to the Publisher.
32 ED. NOTE: In court records, this case is designated Humanity vs. The Creator, City of Hell Court Docket 16-B6611-F.
33 NOTE BY BAAL ZEBUB: Notably, Earth’s political movement to make abortions readily available to females has been secretly financed by leading vacuum cleaner companies.
34 NOTE BY MEPHIS TOPHIEL: The accordion (along with the bagpipe [q.v.]) was invented by Demons and introduced into Earth-Density to torture Mankind in an attempt to drive them mad. Unexpectedly, the idiot humans were more adaptable than had been previously imagined possible; for not only did they grow to enjoy the caustic wheedling and screeching of these torture devices, but they even organized and promoted Festivals of Masochism called “Folk Festivals.”
35 NOTE BY AHRIMAN: Upon observing an airplane about to crush its passengers against a mountain range, the Invading Demon is encouraged to Possess one of the human passengers in order to experience the delightful vivacity of mindless human terror.*
* NOTE BY BELIAL: As might be expected of One who is blind to practicality, Ahriman neglected to warn of a disgusting physical side effect of human terror; for in this instance, the Demon possessing a human body should be prepared for the gauche spewing of effluents from the absurd human bowels and bladder.
36 NOTE BY BEHEMOTH: Deliciously so.
37 NOTE BY LORD SATAN: A recursive epiphenomenon of my Mental Energy is experienced when humans fiddle together gauche bombs designed to cut an atom in twain. Huge beautiful explosions of Pure Evil result, radiating the unspeakably deadly Poison of My Primal Thought. These primitive but entertaining Evil Thought Bombs are the latest refreshments the humans serve themselves in their thirst for self-extermination.
38 ED. NOTE: Deuteronomy 13. The joke among Demons is that, while Lord Satan originally wrote each Scripture to subtly trick humans into Embracing Evil, the later interpolations by Demons are so unsubtle as to be utterly absurd. But it has been found that the more absurd the lie, the stronger the faith of humans in its Truth.
39 See Stupidity and Zyk’s Last Memo to the Publisher.
40 NOTE BY LORD SATAN: Similarly designe
d straps which constrict Humanity are the Koran Belt (usually used to flay the back), the Vedic Belt (a razor strap used to shave the heads of cult slaves) and the Belt of Jack (slugged from a hidden flask by a priest between molestations).
41 ED. NOTE: For a firsthand account of the exquisiteness of the Plague, see Zyk’s First Memo to the Publisher.
42 NOTE BY BEHEMOTH: When devouring humans in inner cities, care must be taken to first spit out bullets or broken-off syringes which may crack the Demon’s fangs.
43 NOTE BY ASMO DEUS: Cancer is a form of mass suicide in which humans knowingly blast themselves with radiation machines known as televisions while slurping from DDT-poisoned wells and devouring food from DDT-poisoned soil. Typically, the brainless humans are amazed at the absurdly increasing prevalence of cancer, which, circa 2000 A.D. and beyond, is as common as Divorce (q.v.)
44 NOTE BY LORD SATAN: Capitalism is a superlative system which, like Fundamentalism, results in the destruction of democracy.
45 NOTE BY LORD SATAN: As admirable as their cause is to Demonkind, the puny human brains who created the C.I.A., who formerly operated under the strange name The United Fruit Company, are incapable of destroying, corrupting and killing to a degree which is satisfactory to the Impatient Eye of Hell.
46 NOTE BY LORD SATAN: Liquid, powdered, or electronic.
47 NOTE BY LORD SATAN: The Clown and the Priest, who both disseminate false happiness and molest children, are often confused by Demons visiting Earth-Density. They may be distinguished by the fact that whereas the clown only wears makeup while on duty, the priest wears it only when off-duty.
48 NOTE BY AHRIMAN: Since our Lord Satan’s views are necessarily infallible and incontrovertible, it has been a challenge for our Satanic Commission to explicate His Majesty’s few but striking references to the superstitious “Meta-Satan” called Good or God. Although Lord Satan usually refers to this imaginary concept as “Mythic God” or “Non-Existent Good,” it is assumed by His Executives that bald references to these superstitious non-existents are meant as sarcastic hyperbole.
* NOTE BY LORD SATAN: This is a Key Point, and one which reaches into the deepest, most noxious levels of the Cosmology of Hell. The Truth is, during the writing of My Survey of Humankind, I began by mocking Mankind’s Pathetic Supplication to Nothingness; but eventually, after being forced by this subject matter to contemplate the concept of a Meta-Satanic, Personified Cosmos, My views have slowly shifted to one of Agnostic Revulsion. This concept of a “Meta-Satan,” alien to Demon Philosophy, should be broached with care to avoid an outbreak of hives. See Loneliness.
49 NOTE BY GOD, LORD OF THE PERSONIFIED UNIVERSE: Here, My Angel Readers, take note of Satan’s Uncertainty upon this matter, combined with His inability to discern the existence of anything save Himself and Hell, which He touchingly believes to exclusively comprise All That Is. Of course, I Created Satan with this Implicit Limitation, so as not to drive Him Mad with Envy of My Existence as His Divine Creator. For in order for Satan to be Satan, He must believe that He is the Creator of All That Is, and that the Cosmos of Hell, as He so perceives It, comprises All That Is. I have encouraged this delusion in Satan’s Childlike, Megalomaniacal Mind in order to make the Law of Opposites work out without Satan becoming too much of a nuisance to Me. Indeed, My Angels, Satan’s Uncertainty concerning his Origin is the Key to the Mystery of the Cycle of Creation, and this Mystery will be discussed at the conclusion of Satan’s Infernal and Despicable Invasion Manual of Earth.
50 NOTE BY LORD SATAN: It should be added that prior to the Invasion, Earth, in addition to being Hell’s sewage repository, also became an illegal resort among Demonkind. Earth as a Carnival Sideshow of Ghastly Entertainment is unparalleled in its endless permutations of Violent Sexual Perversity. Thus, for reasons of Hell’s overpopulation, waste removal and entertainment value, Earth shall now be annexed to the territory of Lower Hell.
51 NOTE BY MEPHIS TOPHIEL: Lilith assumes that there was a Plan in the Creation of Mankind. Her feminine inability to reason has, typically, forced her to the absurd conclusion that humans have a birthright, as if they were legitimate creatures hatched from Our Lord Satan’s Black Egg of Creation. Rather, Mankind is presently an Aberrant Form of Life, worthy only in their evolution into Demonhood, but presently worthy only of utter and instantaneous extermination by the Lords of Hell.*
* NOTE BY LILITH: Know, Demon Readers, that Mephis Tophiel, barely literate, is ignorant of the Journals of Abra Kadab, who engineered the humans as livestock; thus his point is meaningless. If the truth be known, his personal attack stems not from logic but rather from his fury at My refusal to Lie Down with him after the 7th Bacchanal of Torus, thus humiliating him in the eyes of his hateful fellow Executives. For his petty predilections, I send unto Tophiel’s Black Hide the Abominable Curse of Klepsis-Gowki, that he be molested by an Armored Groin-Creature from the Hole of Hox.
52 NOTE BY LORD SATAN: It is also recommended that if the embalmed corpse is taken from a funeral parlor or dug up and removed from its casket, the corpse’s face should be scrubbed of every trace of colorful cheek, lip and eye makeup, which is known to cause boils on a Demon’s tongue.
53 NOTE BY MEPHIS TOPHIEL: Of course, it should be noted by beginning Students of Earth-Density that the hatred of humans by humans is the merest Twiddling
54 NOTE BY MEPHIS TOPHIEL: Predictably, Lilith’s analysis is poorly reasoned, a mere restating of Our Lord Satan’s most excellent encyclopedic entry upon this point. A more telling point would be that Humanity so despises itself that it must hide its own carcass from Itself under fistfuls of hair ripped from the backs of sheep. The Demon Student of Mankind may find the study of human fashion worthy of further investigation, although little assistance is given by Lilith in Her present derivative and incompetent rehash of His Majesty’s succinct and comprehensive entry.*
55 NOTE BY MEPHIS TOPHIEL: The fact is, Mankind is obsessed with the microscopic differences between its so-called sexes because it has nothing else to do, save scurry about foraging for food, fornicating and then waiting to die. As for the Great Mystery of Human Sexuality, it is as clear as Night: a human so hates his own essence that he will project inferiority on the slightest physical difference in another; thus the barely noticeable difference between the human male and female becomes, in their gross and unsubtle minds, an issue of profound magnitude, so that most of a human’s earthly existence is spent thinking about the opposite gender’s stinking excretory holes.
56 NOTE BY BEHEMOTH: Although I am loath to agree with One whose existence alternates between Ordure and Orgasm, in this instance I must. Truly, in all of My experience in shopping at the Demonic Meat Market known as Earth-Density, there is nothing as sublime and succulent as the fresh liver sac and pancreas of the human rubber underwear fetishist.
57 NOTE BY LORD SATAN: Since all humans, without exception, think in tautologies, I leave this encyclopedic entry intact as a reminder for Demons to insult and humiliate Mankind even at the risk of rank redundancy.
58 NOTE BY LORD SATAN: Due to the humans’ Fear of the Fact that they are Vessels of Nothingness, the concept of Something for Nothing creates an Intellectual Orgasm much more intense than the paltry Human Sexual Orgasm. The Desire to Receive Free Matter is, Demon Theorists believe, Man’s Second Most Powerful Instinct — the first, of course, being the Search for Fellatio or its corollary, Cunnilingus (q.v.)
59 NOTE BY AHRIMAN: Asmo Deus neglects to inform the Demon Reader that among the Gooning Herd of Humanity, there is absolutely no free will possible, for these Marching Morons are, by dint of the gross hard-wiring of their unsubtle brains, incapable of any action which is not a direct reaction to the Power of Earth-Density’s Most Universal Principle, Credit Card Debt.
60 NOTE BY LORD SATAN: My Edict against the Study of Infinity was issued in the Evil Enthusiasm of My Youth, a Ban which I have not bothered to rescind.
61 NOTE BY LORD SATAN: I answer this Challenge thusly: by positing the
Cosmos as woven in a Myst of Toroidal Space-Time, meaning an Oscillating Cosmos with Circular Time, then the expansion is finite and cyclic, and thus the Terrifying Hypothesis of an actual Being Who Personifies Infinity is moot. The question is, what proof is there, aside from the Infallible Truth of My Every Evil Utterance, of the Existence of Toroidal Space-Time?
62 NOTE BY GOD, LORD OF THE PERSONIFIED UNIVERSE: True.
63 ED. NOTE: The Death Scene of Jesus comprised a powerful Space-Time Nexus of many subtly divergent events. This was due to the Fight to Obliteration occurring at that Nexus between the Demon Pioneer Abra Kadab and Lord Zyk (then Chairman Zyk, on Earth researching the first edition of Invasion Manual of Earth). A firsthand account of this legendary showdown is given in Zyk’s Last Memo to the Publisher. (q.v.)
Encyclopaedia of Hell: An Invasion Manual for Demons Concerning the Planet Earth and the Human Race Which Infests It Page 28