64 ED. NOTE: For a similar manipulation of human corpses by Demons, see Puppet.
65 NOTE BY GOD, LORD OF THE PERSONIFIED UNIVERSE: Mine, too.
66 NOTE BY BELIAL: I would steer the Inquiring Demon clear of Llu Cipher’s pamphlet, which presents a puerile theory which borders on the Blasphemy of positing the Existence of a “Meta-Satan,” a Hypothetical Being within which our Magnificently Indecorous Lord exists as a hellish subset! Cipher neglects to acknowledge the Utter Supremacy of our Black Master as the Fundament of the Cosmos, a transgression for
67 NOTE BY LORD SATAN: Composed during the period in which the usually flamboyant Master Versifier Zyk was incarcerated in the West Hell Insane Asylum, filled with psychotic Demons expressing insanely sentimental and offensively saccharine vociferations, these noxiously feeling lines nevertheless express an aspect of the puerile and distasteful yearnings of the adolescent Demon mind, and are included here by way of warning against a Seductive Identification on the part of Demons with the Twisted Minds of Mankind.
68 NOTE BY AHRIMAN: Asmo Deus, in his characteristically dull fashion, asserts the absurdity of Human Mathematics without giving its whimsical application to the Torture of Humankind. One of the most entertaining ways to confound human morons is to cast a spell around a mathematical proof, bewitching it and making it invisible to human mathematicians.
69 NOTE BY ASMO DEUS: Note that Human Mathematics is drenched in the Perverse and Anathemic Study of Infinity, a Forbidden Subject at University of Hell’s Dept. of Mathematics and Gambling. The fact that humans drain the tiny resources of their brains on this regressive and illusory concept, which Lord Satan banned eons ago, is symptomatic of the Stupidity of Human Mathematics, which Swallows millions of Proofs and Vomits, in the words of Zyk the Poet Laureate of Hell, merely that A equals A. See Infinity.
70 EDITOR’S NOTE: As any Demon knows who has visited Hell Palace, Lord Satan constantly plays the recordings of Al Jolson, the only human seen in a favorable light by our Lord. In addition, by Lord Satan’s command all executions are accompanied by the playing of Jolson’s recordings.
71 NOTE BY BEHEMOTH: For the hungry Demon, always microwave musical theater performers longer than normal humans. I recommend cooking them on HIGH for six minutes, rotate, then microwave for thirty seconds.
72 NOTE BY AHRIMAN: This is interpreted by Demon Occultists as follows: “When The Monkey” (the human creator of MTV) “shall renounce his four as false” (abandons his artificial quartet), “He shall make Dry Ice to accompany a Demented Waltz” (he shall make music videos). See Idiot.
73 NOTE BY LORD SATAN: The most incomprehensible thing about Humanity is its denial of Mystery. Although this is expected of lower creatures, the fact that Humans wear underwear, indicating a modesty toward the Perceiving Cosmos, suggests that they have a glimmer of intelligence. Yet their Denial of the Mysteriousness of the Cosmos, and their Obsession with Absurd Reductionist Arguments which worship the meaningless measurement of matter, make Demons question whether this Race of Beasts deserve nothing but Extermination.
74 NOTE BY LLU CIPHER: This distasteful and uncharacteristic use of idiosyncratic human expression is at first puzzling and disconcerting. After a moment’s reflection, however, it is clear that this is an expressionistic device which Lord Satan, in his magnificent literary style, utilizes to allow the Demon Reader to experience the crass and primitive nature of Humanity.*
* NOTE BY LORD SATAN: Despite Llu Cipher’s considered licking and lapping of My Black Rectum, the truth is, I was drunk on the blood of a Fenian when I wrote this particular entry.
75 NOTE BY BEHEMOTH: For the Demon who has trapped and caged humans in order to eat them later, the Demon may refer to any male human as Penis and any female as Vagina. Alternatively, the Demon could address them by the method by which he intends to prepare them (i.e. Fricassee, Sauté, French Fry, etc.)
76 NOTE BY MEPHIS TOPHIEL: More to the point is the fact that Mankind Itself, despite being the despised precursor of Demonkind, is a Useless and Obsolete Artifact of Nature. Since humans are primitive nodules evolved merely to house and serve as a food supply for millions of smaller, more significant creatures (e.g. nits, mites, lice and the myriad microscopic civilizations living in and on human flesh), after the Invasion, Lord Satan has ordered Demon ecologists to engineer non-sentient mounds of self-replicating flesh to replace humans as the homes for these delicate creatures. Once these living mounds of replacement flesh have been successfully designed, the plan is to eradicate Mankind in all time frames, whose loathsome existence is otherwise a threat and an irritating nuisance to the Hell Cosmos at large. (A few million humans from delectable time frames will be spared and stocked as foodstuff.)
77 NOTE BY LORD SATAN: Question: What, then, the Inquisitive Demon may inquire, is the point of Mankind’s existence? Are they simply to be killed and eaten by Demon Invaders until their vainglorious race is devoured in its entirety? Answer: Yes.
78 NOTE BY BEHEMOTH: Belial’s remarks on obscenity, while certainly true, merely rehash the banal truism that Mankind is worthless. More fitting here (and intelligent) would be a discussion of the eating of humans while they are engaged in the obscene act of human copulation, an action which naturally supplies the proper juices to slide the otherwise gristly meal down the throat without chafing or multiple regurgitation. *
* NOTE BY BELIAL: My remarks are certainly less redundant than Behemoth’s on the subject of eating humans. The King of Gluttony accuses me of “rehash” simply for the opportunity to use the word hash in a sentence.
79 NOTE BY GOD, LORD OF THE PERSONIFIED UNIVERSE: Although Satan refers to His Chief Principle of Magic as The Law of One, Oneness with the Universe is the only concept inaccessible and anathemic to Satan’s Intellect. As you will see, Satan, locked in the Incomplete Polarity of Hell, can only unlock the Door to His Own Evolution by studying the absurd World of Opposites known as Earth-Density. This point is inextricably linked to the Plan I formulated in creating Satan, which I discuss at the end of this book in My Closing Remarks.
80 NOTE BY GOD, LORD OF THE PERSONIFIED UNIVERSE: Exactly.
81 ED. NOTE: See Addendum 3: Lord Satan’s Abdication Speech.
82 NOTE BY LORD SATAN: Such as cock, dick, prick, dong, rod, shlong, pole, pud, putz, sausage, hot dog, kielbasa, beef, drumstick, tube steak, pork loin, smegma salami, rocket, missile, torpedo, shaft, member, candlestick, wick, piss pipe, purple-headed soldier, throbbing monster, hymen buster, jack, gun, tripod, hammer, can opener, love mushroom, pea shooter, straw, ramrod, handle, skin flute, banister, peace pipe, handrail, stick, meat, welding rod, trouser weasel, pointer, big man, quiet man, wand, staff, caulking gun, meat candycane, barber pole, dowel, column, pestle, eel, nightcrawler, one-eyed snake, pile driver, post, boner, frosting dispenser, meat tube, chisel, drill bit, screwdriver, wang, hammyhorn, jimgobber, wedding tackle, ding-a-ling, dingus, bell-end, truncheon, hard-on, ivory tower, joystick, knob, package, thunder, schwanz, tadger, love gun, tool, weiner, pecker, johnson, John Thomas, cream stick, phallus, junk, squirt gun, log, hose, branding iron, root, flesh cork, divining rod, White Owl, pulverizer, punisher, persuader, nightstick and, of course, weedwhacker.
83 NOTE BY ASMO DEUS: Why? Because the greatest Evil to which Mankind can aspire is self-destruction which, paradoxically, is Good, and therefore disqualifies Humanity from the Race.
84 NOTE BY ASMO DEUS: A magnificent example is a work of Mankind entitled Principia Mathematica, which Demon Mathematicians relish for the relentless drone of its logic; this fantasmagorical proof takes 200 exquisite pages to prove that two plus two equals four.
85 NOTE BY LORD SATAN: Of course I was being sarcastic, jackball.
86 NOTE BY LORD SATAN: I confess, months later, that I was on depression medication when I composed that entry. Although I regret the elevated tone and was unable to conjure it away before publication (such was this entry’s power), still the tenor and substance of this message has its roots in the Shadow
of Truth.
87 NOTE BY LORD SATAN: i.e., Satan.
88 ED. NOTE: See Zyk’s Third Letter to the Publisher for an example of a practical use of the Ring of Obladadox for the Advancement of Evil.
89 NOTE BY MEPHIS TOPHIEL: This is reminiscent of the piles of cigarette butts, chicken bones, vomit effluvia and other refuse which I and many other unfortunate sexual explorers discovered upon slurping the sewage portal of Lilith’s Most Tired Orifice.
90 NOTE BY BELIAL: As if Ahriman, the most insipidly dull Demon in the Cosmos of Hell, knows what’s funny. Certainly Hell’s longest-running television series, Quipping Penile and Vaginal Holes, is a sitcom, and yet is entertaining and thought-provoking to Demons Everywhere.
91 NOTE BY GOD, LORD OF THE PERSONIFIED UNIVERSE: Although it is of course against My Will to kill any of My creatures, if a human is already dead, I agree that it is fun to pop its skull IT with a steamroller.
92 ED. NOTE: The three parables of Satan in this Invasion Manual were plagiarized by the prophet Jesus Christ, who found the copy Lord Zyk lost while time-traveling into Earth’s past. See Zyk’s Last Memo to the Publisher.
93 NOTE BY LORD SATAN: Again, the fact that Humans refer to the Swamp of Stars as “heaven” when they are, in fact, staring at the Armpit of Hell, is typical of Mankind’s ignorance of the Real Reality that It is Born of the Wombless Womb of Black Nothingness.
94 NOTE BY LORD SATAN: Again, despite Asmo Deus’ transparent attempts at sucking up to Me, the Tenor of his Argument is, indeed, Impeccable.
95 NOTE BY GOD, LORD OF THE PERSONIFIED UNIVERSE: In the Big Picture, My Angels, the Firing of the Cosmic Neuron, in Its Infinite Singularity, is that Explosion by which the Creation is made visible.
96 NOTE BY GOD, LORD OF THE PERSONIFIED UNIVERSE: Ignore for the moment the tediousness of this document’s insistence that We do not exist, O Legions of Angels. This matter will be dealt with shortly, for in a mere trice we shall reach the Last Page of this, Satan’s Conceptually Brackish but Faithfully Evil Book.
97 NOTE BY LORD SATAN: Such as pussy, snatch, gash, slash, cunt, vag, bush, twat, hole, cooze, clit, slit, box, bun, muff, mound, tunnel, mole hole, love canal, pipe cleaner, flesh funnel, rocket socket, missile silo, vulvita pita, meat flaps, beef drapes, stench trench, yeast wallet, meat curtains, dick dock, organ receptacle, the wound that never heals, choir box, mucus mitt, dugout, cock holder, finger hole, cubby hole, foxhole, vertical smile, bearded clam, pump house, nasty well, mine shaft, and organ grinder.
98 NOTE BY LORD SATAN: It is unclear whether I should be flattered or insulted by the conceit that My mind is the anthropomorphic equivalent of the Cosmic Zero. While Asmo Deus is excellent at the sycophantic sphincter-slurping of Myself, His Dark Master, I am yet undecided whether to promote him or kill him. Hopefully this matter will be decided before the publication of this Elegant and otherwise Comprehensive Tome.
ENCYCLOPÆDIA OF HELL:
AN INVASION MANUAL FOR DEMONS
CONCERNING THE PLANET EARTH
AND THE HUMAN RACE WHICH INFESTS IT
© 2011 by Martin Olson All rights reserved.
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