“Well, we do,” I said. “It’s not working. The project is done, we don’t have to see each other anymore.”
Tears pooled in my eyes and stuffed up my nose.
Great, because crying right now would make things so much better.
“That’s not what I want to happen,” he said, frowning. “I—I want to see you.”
A flash of anger dried up my tears. With a huff of frustration, I pushed open the door and got out of the car.
“You can’t have your cake and eat it too, Jeremiah,” I said, shoving a finger into his chest. He stepped back. “You dumped me, remember? That kind of means you don’t want to see me anymore.”
He shook his head. “I do want to see you, I want to be friends. But it feels—it’s complicated.” He looked down at the ground, his weight shifting from one foot to the other.
I laughed into the cold night air. “It’s not complicated,” I said. He wanted everything, didn’t he? “You can’t just keep me around if it makes you feel bad.”
“Feel bad?” He looked up into my eyes.
My breath caught in my throat at the intensity of his stare. He’d retreated now so that we were a few feet apart, but energy radiated off of him, drawing me in. I took a step back, but he took two forward.
“Sam, the only time I don’t feel bad these days is when I’m with you.”
He cut the distance between us in half with two more steps and now he was within arm’s reach.
“Yeah, right,” I said, my voice trembling. “Or when you’re with Linzie.”
“That’s when I feel the worst.” His voice was low as the final inches between us disappeared.
My hands found their familiar place on his chest. I could feel his heart thundering a mile a minute, matching mine beat for beat.
“Then why are you with her and not me?” I whispered the words, not really sure I wanted to hear his answer. I glanced around and realized there were only two other cars in the parking lot now. At least there would be no witnesses to this final nail in the coffin of the Jeremiah and Sammi story.
“I can’t…” He trailed off, shook his head, reaching a hand up to brush my hair back. His hand stayed firm on my cheek, and I leaned into its warmth. “All I can tell you is that I wish I could be with you instead. I never wanted to hurt you.”
My carefully locked heart was singing in happiness, but my brain reined it in. We’ve been hurt before, it reminded me. No explanation then, and none now.
“Of course you won’t tell me, you just can’t stand to see me happy with anyone else.”
“I want you to be happy, Sammi. So happy. It kills me to see you cry.”
“I want to believe you,” I said, the ground shaking beneath me as he lifted his other hand to my cheek. Our faces were inches apart now, our breaths puffs of white clouds mingling in the cold night. “But I don’t know if I can trust you.”
“I still care about you. More than anything. More than Linzie. More than basketball.”
“That just can’t be true.”
Or you’d be with me, I wanted to add.
His deep amber eyes started into mine, past the hurt and anger and into the part of my heart that still belonged entirely to him. He brought his forehead to rest on mine, his words a soft whisper on my lips.
“Kiss me and tell me if I’m lying.”
His mouth slowly found mine, and it felt like coming home. I melted into him, remembering how perfect it felt to be held by him. My lips parted to allow his tongue to dance across mine, sending electricity up and down my spine. He had always kissed me with such tenderness, and this was somehow even sweeter than he’d ever been. My arms found their way around his neck and pulled him closer, letting me breathe in every second of this perfect kiss I thought I’d never get to experience again.
With slow steps, he led me so that my back was against my car, and I surrendered fully into the movement of his mouth on mine. Every inch of me could tell how much he cared about me. This was not the kiss of a boy jealous of my new boyfriend. This was the kiss of a boy in love.
And I kissed him back, just as much in love as I had been before.
Chapter Nineteen
Somehow, despite my weak knees and head in the clouds, I made my way home without hitting anything with my car. I nearly floated on air up into my room, barely registering if my mom was home yet.
I’d kissed Jeremiah.
I’d cheated on Ryan.
My giddiness about the first tried to explain away my guilt about the second. Sure, I was with Ryan, but I wasn’t really into him. And he didn’t really seem that into me, other than he clearly liked kissing me and showing me off on his arm. He hadn’t even officially asked me to be his girlfriend, so for all I knew, he was flirting and dating other girls.
Except I knew he wasn’t. Everyone knew we were together, even if there hadn’t been an official conversation. I had been his first kiss, for crying out loud.
But despite my best efforts, he didn’t seem to be absorbing most of my hints about how to act. He was practically a poster child for ‘how not to be a good boyfriend.’
Even if he wasn’t perfect, the ickiness about kissing someone else slowly made its way through me. But I felt wonderful about kissing Jeremiah.
This hadn’t been just any kissing, either. It had been a full-on, toe-curling, fireworks-in-the-sky kind of kissing. I hadn’t locked lips with someone like that since…well, Jeremiah. But it was even better than any of the memories I’d been trying so hard to get rid of.
Maybe this whole being friends thing had made it more intense. We hadn’t actually been friends before, just friendly the way that jocks and cheerleaders always were from being in the same social circles. Over the past few weeks, I’d gotten to see another side of him, without the pressure of worrying if he would kiss me, or if I looked cute, or who might see us together, or what he was thinking about me. It had been great. He was even more amazing than I remembered.
I let out a breath and turned over, burying my head in my pillows.
Even though Linzie had been the one to steal him away, she hadn’t kissed him behind my back. I was so much worse than she was.
But he’d said he was miserable with her. And that he wished he could be with me instead.
What did that even mean?
Maybe his parents had always secretly hated me. Or maybe my parents had said something. I couldn’t picture my dad telling him to stay away, but since I hadn’t spoken to him in weeks, I couldn’t exactly make that the icebreaker conversation. “Hey, Dad, I’m still mad at you, but did you make my boyfriend dump me?” was not the ideal way to start up our relationship again.
Of course, my dad picked that exact moment to send me a message, interrupting my increasingly confused and anxious thoughts.
Call me please, sweetie, it said. I have something important to talk to you about.
Whatever so-called important thing he wanted to tell me could wait. I had bigger things to worry about. I threw the phone down in frustration and went downstairs to start making dinner.
My mom was already in the kitchen, cutting up vegetables.
I stopped and stared, not used to seeing her home this early, and definitely not used to seeing her cook.
“What?” She gave me a sheepish look.
My brain couldn’t handle any more confusion, so I just peeked over her shoulder at the recipe she had open on her phone.
“Chicken marsala?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.
“I tried it the other night and I liked it,” she said.
“With who?” I didn’t remember her going out to eat.
“With Aunt Maeve and some friends.” She turned away quickly, but not before I caught the red tinge in her cheeks.
I bit back what I wanted to say. I wasn’t a total idiot. There was clearly a guy. But was she serious? It had barely been a month since Dad had left, and she was already seeing someone new. Sure, we were both angry with him, but could someone really just throw awa
y almost thirty years together just like that?
My stomach lurched.
Unless she’d already been seeing someone before he’d left.
I raced back up to my room, not that hungry anymore. I ignored her as she called out after me.
The churning in my stomach increased, and I curled up into a ball on my bed. I was just like her, wasn’t I?
A cheater.
I could try to tell myself Ryan wasn’t officially my boyfriend, but what else was he? And there was no way he was flirting or seeing any other girls; he barely was able to be a decent boyfriend to me. If I hadn’t been about to throw up, I would have laughed at the idea of him being able to juggle multiple girls at once.
He may not be the best boyfriend, but I was officially the worst girlfriend ever. I couldn’t keep treating him this way. The kiss from Jeremiah was a wake-up call in more ways than one. I still loved him, with all my heart, and there was no way I would ever feel the same about Ryan.
I had to end things with Ryan.
Staci’s name suddenly lit up my phone with a message. I inhaled sharply, already feeling the sting of her hand on my face.
What would she have me do? There was no way I could tell her about the kiss. But the muddled feelings toward Ryan…maybe she could advise on that.
I knew Coach would be mad at me if she ever found out I skipped a meal, but when my mom called upstairs that dinner was ready, I told her I wasn’t hungry and that I felt sick. One of those was true. I cringed, realizing that I was a liar, too.
Even though Jeremiah did still care about me, I wasn’t sure I deserved him anymore.
I managed to avoid Staci’s messages all night, citing ‘family stuff’ as my excuse. She didn’t question it. Her family stuff always meant something fun, so there was no way she could understand my family drama. I felt bad when she sent me a funny hugging GIF, since she obviously thought something major was happening. Just one more lie to add to the list I was building.
Thankfully the next day was Saturday and I didn’t have to see anyone in school, at least not until the game that night. My plan was to watch every single second-chance romance movie I could until I had to leave. My mom was gone when I woke up, so I assumed she was in the office. It was good she was getting back to her regular schedule, even though it would have been nice to have someone in the house with me.
As if answering my unspoken wish, Staci showed up halfway through my second viewing of Forever My Girl. Hopefully she hadn’t heard my choking sobs from outside.
“What are you doing here?” I asked, wiping away a few lingering tears on my cheeks.
“We’re studying for the chemistry test before the game, right?” I’d completely forgotten, distracted as I’d been by my sudden emotional turmoil. Staci looked around at the piles of tissues in front of the TV. “What were you watching?”
“Nothing,” I said, picking up the remote to turn off the movie. I didn’t think I’d be able to answer her probing questions without revealing what had happened, and I wasn’t ready to share it yet. I was hovering somewhere in between crushing guilt and naive hope. Focusing on chemistry would be a nice break.
We settled into our usual studying routine, trading questions back and forth. Staci would slip in questions about Finn (“Do you think he looks better with his hair longer?”) but when I didn’t reply to her chatter as quickly as I normally did, I blamed nerves about the game that night.
“Why should you be nervous?” she said. “You’re not the one playing.”
“Yeah, but it’s an important game,” I said.
She raised an eyebrow, incredulous. “Since when have you cared so much?”
I shrugged and flipped through the flashcards we’d made. “I don’t really but we lose this one and there’s basically no hope of going to the playoffs.”
“Would that be so bad? It would mean more time with Ryan,” she said.
And less with Jeremiah.
“Yeah, I guess.”
“Is everything okay? Did you guys have a fight or something?”
“No, it’s nothing Ryan did,” I said, avoiding her gaze.
Her lips pressed into a thin line, but she didn’t say anything.
I tried hard to focus on studying but it was nearly impossible after a while to think of anything except Jeremiah. I could still feel his lips on mine, and I repeated his words over and over in my head while Staci recited chemistry formulas. I wondered what would happen at the game. Would he say something? Had he told Linzie? Finally, after what felt like the longest afternoon in the history of the world, it was time to get ready for the game.
I was giddy with anticipation to see Jeremiah again. But all it took was seeing Ryan waiting for me courtside to make all those happy feelings disappear.
His hand found mine and when he gave it a tight squeeze, it was like a hot brand. I felt like I had ‘I kissed your teammate’ written across my face, but he was so into talking about the game that night, he didn’t notice that I was even more unresponsive than usual to his basketball musings. Luckily his coach soon called the team back into the locker room for a final pep talk before the game.
It was one of the most intense we’d ever had. And it wasn’t just the players who had it rough.
I felt like whenever Jeremiah looked toward the cheerleaders, his eyes were searching for me. But then they’d glide right past me and find Linzie instead. My breath caught in my throat each time. He said he cared about me more than Linzie. More than basketball.
Then why, why, why was he with her?
As Ryan passed by me during a break and winked at me, it hit me with the force of a tidal wave.
Jeremiah thought I didn’t like him anymore.
I hadn’t actually said the words last night. I’d said I was with Ryan now, which maybe was enough to have Jeremiah thinking I was over him. Maybe he thought I didn’t want to betray his teammate.
I stood straight up at the shock of realization, needing to go tell Jeremiah right now that I wasn’t over him. The kiss had been the wake-up call I’d needed. Ryan could never compare to him; I’d break up with him this second if it meant Jeremiah would be with me.
“Whoa there, not halftime yet,” said Staci, grabbing my arm. “They’re just in a time out.”
I shook my head. I was a wreck. I needed Staci to help me, but I didn’t want her to know about the kiss.
“I can’t do this anymore,” I whispered, looking over to where the team was huddled. “I have to break up with Ryan.”
“What? Why?” Her eyes grew wide. “Can we talk about this later? We’re kind of in the middle of a game here.”
I shook my head. “I can’t let Jeremiah keep thinking I’m over him.”
“You are over him, Sammi,” she hissed. “You’re with Ryan now.”
“Well, maybe he wants to break up with Linzie but doesn’t because he thinks I’m with Ryan.”
She gave me her best ‘are you crazy?’ raised eyebrow. “That is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. Why would you think he wants to break up with her?”
“He…” I hesitated. The kiss was a secret I wanted to cherish. “He told me she makes him miserable.”
“Sammi, I know you don’t want to hear this right now,” she said with a glance around the crowded gym. The noise and heat were at their worst tonight, and it was a miracle no one had passed out yet from the stench. “But Jeremiah is not your dad.”
I blinked. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means you need to let go.” Her voice was quiet, but insistent. “You’re ignoring a potentially great guy for someone who’ll never be what you want him to be.”
Wait, who was she talking about? My dad or Ryan? My pulse increased, and my hands trembled, my shaking pom-poms the only outward indication of my growing irritation.
“I know you’ve been getting calls and texts from your dad and ignoring them.” She grabbed my hand and squeezed. “But that won’t change what happened. Sometimes you don
’t get to choose what a relationship looks like. You need to accept what it is and let go of the past.”
“Did your tarot cards tell you that?” I snapped, pulling my hand away. The game had started up again, and I trained my eyes on Jeremiah as he ran up and down the court.
Staci sighed next to me. “Believe whatever you want,” she said, turning away slightly. “I can’t help you anymore with this.”
“Well, I don’t need your help anymore, I have a plan all figured out.”
Fighting with yet another best friend was not the best way to stay motivated to cheer for a losing team.
Chapter Twenty
Determined to stay as far away from Staci as possible, I put myself at the other end of the cheer line. We went through our routine, and I avoided her eye, keeping my gaze focused on the game. The guys were really not in sync tonight, and the frustration was clear on their faces. Their angry yells echoed off the gym walls, making the already stuffy air even tenser.
When I finally glanced back toward Staci at the other end of the line, she was studying the scoreboard and waving her pom-poms automatically. Her face suddenly shifted in my direction, but her face wasn’t angry. She looked surprised, her mouth open in a shout I couldn’t hear over the cheering all around me.
Her hand stretched out, and just as I turned to see what she was pointing to, it hit me in the face.
A basketball.
A pressure against the side of my head was all I felt before I went down fast against the gym floor, my hands flailing, useless at my sides.
I somehow managed to catch myself, but not before smacking the side of my face on the floor. I stared down at the gross floor thinking about how much sweat was probably on it and tried not to barf. I turned onto my back, the noise suddenly ten times louder. All I saw was the ceiling, and I closed my eyes to block out the light. I wished I could block out the sound. My head was stuffy and overflowing with noise and pain.
From a distance, someone called my name. I fluttered my eyelids open to see Jeremiah leaning over me, and my heart leaped into my throat, all the pain suddenly vanishing. His hand was on my shoulder, the other brushing the hair from my face.
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