Instead of looking out into the empty and dark street, I closed my eyes, and concentrated on the music. Taylor Swift was a favorite, but sometimes her words were just a little too close to my own, it was freaky.
Especially the ones about being betrayed and heartbroken. I could have written those myself, if I’d had any musical talent.
I hadn’t wanted my emotions to show on the phone, but I couldn’t help but let a few tears fall now that I was alone in the car.
Very alone, I realized. Out on a deserted strip of road. The only person who knew I was here was Jeremiah, and what if something happened to him? The scratching of the trees against each other sounded like the approach of someone—or something—
A sharp rapping had my eyes flying open, and a bloodcurdling scream ripped through my throat.
“Sam, it’s just me!” Jeremiah pulled at the door, but I’d locked it tight against any potential crazies.
I fumbled through my hyperventilating to open it, and within a heartbeat I was in his arms. As he caught me, he dug his knees into the gravel on the side of the road.
Why did it have to feel so good to have his arms around me?
“I’ve got you, it’s fine,” he said, running a soothing hand over my back. “I’m sorry, I thought you saw me pull up. I didn’t mean to scare you.”
I took a deep, shuddering breath and his familiar smell of bodywash and shampoo invaded my senses, calming me. I pulled away and looked into his eyes, which were creased with worry. We were practically nose to nose, his arm wrapped around me. I was halfway out of the car, having practically fallen out when I’d opened the door. I was so warm, and safe, and his lips were right there, his hot breath on my neck making my entire body tingle.
I shook my head, breaking the spell. Slowly pushing out of his arms, I sat back up. He stood in a graceful push off the ground and brushed the gravel from his jeans.
“I’m sorry I’m such a baby and had to call you out here.” I slid out of the car and stood next to him. He stooped down to peer at the front left tire.
“You didn’t call your dad?” he asked, straightening up and wiping his hands against his jeans.
I was so relieved he hadn’t said Ryan, it took me a full minute to process what he’d actually said.
My stomach clenched at the reminder of why I’d left the restaurant. My phone burned in my hand, and I buried it deep in my pocket, as if that would wipe the voicemail it contained from my memory.
Finally, I shook my head.
“He’s in California,” I said softly, staring down at my feet. I didn’t know why I was embarrassed. But I hadn’t said the words out loud since he’d left. My mom and I avoided the topic completely. Staci was good about distracting me and didn’t bring it up either.
Jeremiah didn’t say anything but a small frown appeared on his face. I didn’t see pity in his eyes, thank goodness, or I would have cried. Again. I just saw a wistfulness that had nothing to do with my dad.
“He got a new job,” I said, wanting to keep the focus away from what his eyes were doing to me. “That’s why he left. My mom didn’t want to follow him.”
“You didn’t want to go with him?”
I shrugged. My dad asked me to come, and kept asking, in his weekly emails. I hadn’t answered any of them. Now it had moved on to leaving voicemails, apparently.
“He said some really awful stuff about my mom when they were fighting about it.”
My dad had been so excited, so happy, but had done a complete one-eighty when my mom had just suggested we all talk about it together. He’d taken that to mean no, and their fight erupted into a nastiness I’d never seen in anyone—and I had been a cheerleader for four years. I shuddered, remembering the worst things he’d said, and how my mom had just stood there, suffering silently, tears streaming down her face.
“I couldn’t just leave her. She’d think I agreed with him. Besides, all my friends are here.”
I didn’t need to add that at the time, I’d still been with Jeremiah. He’d been the only thing holding me together that week, but I hadn’t let on just how bad things were at home, and how bad things had gotten at school.
I wondered if things would have been different if I’d shared more with him, rather than just lean silently into his quiet strength. Maybe by hiding my feelings he’d assumed I was distracted or disinterested, and Linzie had stepped in, ready to pay more attention to him.
Jeremiah’s amber eyes burned a deep golden brown in the moonlight. Was he remembering how much I’d cried that week? First over my dad, then over him?
“Well, I’m happy to be your friend and help you with this flat tire,” he said, turning away to head to the trunk. “Open up, let’s see that spare.”
He busied himself with getting everything set up while I stood back helplessly and watched. I tried to pay close attention, however, just in case this happened again.
“Man, I missed this car,” he said under his breath as he bent to jack up the car. It wasn’t the newest or fanciest model, but I loved my Audi. It drove terrible in the snow and took forever to heat up but it looked amazing. Jeremiah turned his face up to me, his expression hard to read in the dark. “Your mom’s not around tonight?”
I shook my head then realized he couldn’t see me. “No, she’s out,” I said. For some reason, I felt the need to add, “Hopefully with someone really great.”
“That’s good to hear,” he said, his voice muffled as he switched out the tires. “She deserves to be with someone great.”
I bit my lip. “My dad wasn’t great?”
I meant to tease him, but he nearly dropped the tire and he turned to me, his eyes wide.
“I didn’t mean that. Your dad was always really cool to me,” he said, a small smile tugging at the corner of his lips. “Well, as cool as any dad would be at some guy taking away his baby girl.”
I laughed. My dad had made some comment to that effect, with a joke about a shotgun as well, if I remembered correctly.
“I just mean…it sounds like she’s been through a lot of pain,” he said and stood, sliding a hand around my shoulder, almost absentmindedly. He’d done it so many times in the past. “She deserves to be happy.” He gave me a squeeze.
I sucked in a breath and stepped out of his hold, his arm dropping to his side. I turned my eyes down and he cleared his throat.
“Your tire’s all set. Drive slowly, though.”
I nodded, not looking up at him. “Thanks.”
“I can follow you home, if you want. Just to be sure.”
I shook my head. “No, I should be fine. Thanks…friend.”
I met his eyes and gave him a small smile. He did his best to smile, too, but as I drove away into the night, it looked more like he was trying not to cry.
That made two of us.
Chapter Seventeen
I decided I wouldn’t tell Staci about my flat tire when I went to pick her up the next morning to debrief about the party on the drive to school. I wanted to focus all my attention on her and Finn.
“So, did he ask you out?” I said, diving right into the story as soon as she opened the door. I handed her one of the two steaming to-go cups of coffee I’d brought with me.
She sighed dramatically and wrapped a scarf around her neck. “Not even close,” she said. She glanced around the entryway. “Hang on, I think I left my bag upstairs.”
She led the way up to her bedroom, and I followed, waving a quick hello to her family as I went. Her mom, dad, sister, and brother were all seated around the kitchen table, finishing breakfast. It was so perfectly, adorably domestic I wanted to cry.
When was the last time all of my family had been together? Christmas was usually a big thing in our house, but after my dad had left, my sister decided to spend it with her boyfriend’s family, and my brother only stopped by for the day. He’d spent the whole time bashing Dad, which had made Mom smile a little, but it hadn’t exactly been a happy holiday.
“Sammi,” called St
aci.
I jumped. She had her bag in her hand, and I was blocking her on the stairs while I’d been staring like a creepster at her family for a solid minute or two. Her mom was giving me a warm smile, but I could see even from a distance that it was tinged with pity.
With a lump in my throat the size of a cereal bowl, I turned to head back out the door.
“You okay?” Staci said, taking in my slight pout as we got into my car.
I nodded, not trusting myself to say anything. There was no way she could understand.
“Why’d you leave so early last night?” she asked. “Veronica said you got a flat tire.”
“How in the world does she know anything?”
If she’d been out there, she could have helped me, the weirdo. Or maybe she had spies at the garage.
Staci shrugged. “I saw Jeremiah leave too,” she said, narrowing her eyes.
“No! We’re talking about Finn,” I said, knowing there was no way to avoid this. I hated feeling like I was letting her down. But Jeremiah really was just a friend, at least in his mind.
Staci sighed. “Finn talked to me for like, a minute, then went back to his buddies and just stared at me all night.” She shook her head. “Mysterious hot guys. I’ll never learn. But don’t try to change the subject.” She held up a finger accusingly.
“I called Jeremiah, because I know he knows how to change a tire,” I said, gripping the steering wheel as a car cut right in front of me. “Ryan just barely got his license.”
Staci pursed her lips. “So, you guys really are friends?” she said, not sounding convinced.
“We’re trying,” I said. “Rosemark isn’t a huge school, and this history project is important. It has been nice to work with him without hating him.”
“Hating him was never the issue,” she said, giving me a look and wiggling the fingers of her right hand threateningly.
I squirmed in my seat. “I don’t feel quite as much as I did before,” I said honestly. “I wish I felt less. But the longer I spend with him as a friend, the more I realize that’s all he wants.”
“But is it what you want?”
I stared into the long line of cars that led into the school parking lot, without an answer for her.
What did I want?
“Hey.”
I nearly dropped the books I’d just pulled from my locker at the achingly familiar deep voice. I turned and tried to slow the flutter in my heart at the sight of Jeremiah’s golden eyes fixed on mine, a half-smile playing at the edges of his lips.
“Hey,” I said, unable to control my huge grin. Thankfully, Staci wasn’t there to witness my less-than-composed reaction to him. Rather than answer her question in the car, I’d focused my attention back on Finn and suggested she try a casual walk by his locker on her way to class.
“You get that spare changed out?” he said, a crease appearing in between his eyebrows. “You didn’t drive to school with it, did you?”
I shook my head, heart thumping.
Geez, it was like I’d never talked to him before. He was standing so close to me, I could almost smell his mouthwash. Not that I was thinking about his mouth.
“I took it to that twenty-four-hour garage over near Pinebrook,” I said.
He made a face at the mention of Rosemark’s rival, and I tried not to giggle. Boys were ridiculous to let sports get in the way of car maintenance.
“Thanks again, for all your help.”
“Jeremiah!” A screech rang down the hallway. Linzie was standing at the other end, looking super annoyed. She tapped a foot against the floor, a hand on her hip in a perfectly catty cheerleader pose.
I flushed, though I knew we weren’t doing anything wrong. Friends could talk before first period. I turned an equally haughty glare back at her but felt Jeremiah stiffen next to me.
I’d forgotten I was cutting into their making-out time.
“I’ll talk to you in class, okay?” he said, turning to go. “Sit next to me, please?”
A bolt of excitement ripped through me and my icy glare at Linzie nearly faltered. I nodded, not looking at Jeremiah. Without a backwards glance, he ambled off in the direction of his girlfriend, whose narrowed eyes turned into a smile as he approached. With a last withering look in my direction, she looped her arm into his and flipped her hair over her shoulder, tottering away triumphantly.
Her victory was an empty one, I reassured myself. Jeremiah wanted to sit next to me. With hope swelling in my chest, I hurried off to history class, eager to grab us two seats the farthest in the back.
“Sorry about that,” Jeremiah said when he plopped down next to me less than five minutes later. “Linzie is in a mood.”
“What happened?” I said, glancing up at the front.
Mr. Carter was shuffling papers at his desk.
“When I got back to the party, I told her I’d helped you change your tire. I didn’t think it’d be a big deal, since we’re friends and all.”
I nodded, my heart deflating a little. I had been thinking about what Staci had asked me in the car. The more he seemed to want to be friends, the more I seemed not to want that.
“But she got kind of upset,” Jeremiah said, and his ears turned pink.
There must have been a killer fight. I was surprised Staci hadn’t mentioned it, but she’d probably been distracted by Finn. Or maybe it had happened after they’d left the party. They obviously spent a lot of time together. Alone.
My heart deflated even more at the thought. Despite the proof otherwise on a daily basis, I had still been pretending they didn’t really hang out outside of school or do anything together.
“Anyway, I think we need to take a break from the study sessions. I talked to Mr. Carter, and he said your grades have been good so far this quarter. So you don’t need the extra help anymore.”
And now my poor heart was as flat as a pancake, spinning around the room with a loud whistle, completely deflated.
“Really?” I said, my voice thick with barely concealed disappointment.
“Our project is almost done,” he said, not quite meeting my eyes. “I think we have enough filmed, so it’s really just the written report now. We can do that on our own time and share a Google Doc or something.”
“Okay, sure,” I said, turning to face the front.
Mr. Carter stood, signaling that class was about to start.
I ignored the sinking feeling in my stomach and flashed Jeremiah a smile. “Whatever you think is best.”
Chapter Eighteen
I brooded the rest of the day, ignored Ryan then felt guilty about it (it wasn’t his fault after all) and then took out my mood on the cheerleading squad that afternoon. Staci shot me a furious look when I told Coach I thought we needed more drills, but I needed to sweat things out. I didn’t want to think, just see Linzie groan in pain on her fiftieth rep.
The more I thought about it, the more I realized what had been happening. Becoming friends with Jeremiah had just made me like him even more than I had before.
And now he’d reminded me exactly what he thought of me. Outside of the project, outside of me needing his help, I had no reason to be in his life.
A text from Ryan was waiting on my phone after practice, asking if I wanted to meet him and the other guys at the diner for their normal Friday night dinner.
“What is your deal?” Staci asked as she slammed her locker open. I didn’t look up, busy texting Ryan back, telling him I wasn’t hungry.
I doubted I’d get anything in response, but I was not in the mood for boyfriend tutoring.
“Nothing. Can’t I have a bad day?” I said, yanking a brush through my hair and avoiding her eyes.
“You seemed fine this morning, talking about what great friends you guys are now,” she said and narrowed her eyes. “Did something happen in history?”
I bit my lip, blinking fast to keep a tear from escaping. The locker room was full of the chatter of the team, and they were all giving me annoyed glances.
“Just PMS, okay?” I said loudly, glaring at everyone who had the courage to meet my eyes. I lingered on Linzie’s, daring her to mention anything from last night. My sigh of relief was heavy when she finally turned away and stalked out of the locker room.
“Is this about what I asked you this morning?” Staci said quietly, sitting next to me.
I kept my eyes on my bag and kept shoving things into it but nodded.
She let out a breath. “You know what you want?” Another nod. “But you’ve finally realized it’s not happening?”
A tear trailed down my cheek.
She put an arm around my shoulder. “I know it’s hard, but I’m glad you’ve finally gotten there.”
I looked up and her eyes were full of sympathy.
“Go out with Ryan tonight. Now you can finally give him your full attention.”
I nodded but knew I wouldn’t be going anywhere. The last thing I needed was to see the entire basketball team with their girlfriends in various states of romantic bliss while I festered in a gloomy deception of my own making.
Staci left, and I took my time finishing up, wanting to avoid all of the others in the parking lot. By the time I finally got out there, there were only a few cars. I got into mine and was just about to turn the key when there was a knock at my window.
I let out a scream almost exactly like the one from the night before.
And just like the night before, it was Jeremiah standing by my car. Only this time, I hadn’t asked him to be there.
I rolled down the window. “What?” I spat.
He shrank back, hurt flitting across his face. “So, we’re back to where we were a month ago?” he said, his words coming out in little white puffs of air. “Linzie told me that you were pretty rough on everyone tonight.”
“Well, you’re the one who said no more study sessions,” I reminded him, glaring up at him.
He leaned over and put a hand on the door. “I didn’t say we had to stop being friends.”
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