by Claire Adams
That kind of thing ate at my stomach even after all these years. It was hard to think I’d killed my dad in a way, killed him because I couldn’t be satisfied with small town life. Couldn’t be satisfied staying there and marrying someone like Aspyn.
Damn. Aspyn. Always back to her. Yet another person I’d failed.
I chuckled to myself. I was so pathetic.
“What’s so funny?” Carl said.
“Nothing, just remembering a joke I saw on TV the other day.”
I wasn’t ready to open up that much to Carl. He already knew enough about my nightmares.
Of course, there was no way I wouldn’t run into Aspyn in town. It was inevitable. What would she say? She probably thought I’d abandoned her. She was right.
Sure, I had my accident excuse, but the truth was, I’d been too much of a coward to face her after my injury. I didn’t deserve her. I hoped she’d found a good man who could take of her.
Her dark hair and brown eyes lingered in my mind as we hit the highway.
I shook my head. I needed to remind myself I didn’t deserve her.
Besides, I wasn’t back in Livingston for Aspyn. I was there to cure my nightmares.
* * *
“Now, I hope you haven’t forgotten how to work a ranch,” Carl said with a smirk. “It’s been a while, right? Do you need me to tell you the difference between cows and horses?”
I scoffed. “I think I need to show you the difference between my left fist and my right fist.”
Carl chuckled. “Same mouth as ever.”
We were walking through Carl’s ranch. Not huge, some cattle, a few horses, that sort of thing. He was never going to get rich off living there, but his family had been running that ranch for 100 years. I’d spent a lot of time as a boy hanging out there and helping work it during the summer. A lot of my best memories involved that ranch.
My dad had suggested I get the job there or look into going into the carpentry business with him, but I was going to leave, get my business degree, and be some big shot in the big city.
I didn’t know why I couldn’t be satisfied in Livingston. Maybe because my dad had been, and I wanted to be more than him. It wasn’t like I wasn’t happy there when I was growing up. I just always felt so confined, at least when I wasn’t around Aspyn.
I’d convinced myself that was the memories of a horny teen who wanted to plant himself in his voluptuous friend. Maybe it was more. Didn’t matter. I’d screwed that up now for good.
Then I’d gone off to school, and I still hadn’t felt much better, even before my dad’s death and dropping out. The problem had never been Livingston, maybe, but me. Always me.
A horse nickered at me, and I chuckled. Some things never changed.
I looked over to find Carl staring at me. He quickly looked away. That was the third time I’d caught him doing that. He obviously had something he wanted to say to me but was chickening out. I hated that crap.
I wondered was going on, but I didn’t want to push it. Carl knew I was screwed up about my nightmares. He probably just didn’t know what to say. I wouldn’t if the situations were reversed.
We arrived at our destination: a small, single-bedroom guest house Carl’s dad had built years ago. I’d helped him finish it during the summer. We’d taken to calling it the cabin.
When I thought about it, it might have been one of the reasons I went into construction. There was something so satisfying about seeing a building you helped put up.
“I figure you can stay here,” Carl said, motioning to the cabin. “Running water, electricity, and all that.”
“I remember.”
“I wasn’t sure.” He shrugged.
It was serendipity that I’d stay in a place I helped build with my own two hands. I could afford my own house, but I didn’t want it. This was good. No. Better than that, it was perfect.
I was returning to my roots.
“I can pay you rent,” I said. “I’m not a charity case.”
He shook his head. “No one said you were.”
“I have plenty of money. You know that. I told you about the accident settlement payment.”
“I know. I know.” He shrugged. “It’s empty right now anyway. It’ll be good to have someone in it to maintain it.”
He pulled a key out of his pocket and unlocked it before tossing me the key. I snatched it out of the air.
I pulled my suitcases inside. Musty and a little dusty, but not too bad. But I wasn’t too picky.
A large rug covered the living room floor, and the mounted heads of several deer and elk decorated the wall. Carl’s dad had been quite the hunter back in the day.
Carl waited at the door, rubbing his hands together again. I wished he’d just say what was on his mind.
“I was gonna head out in a little bit for the Wild Mustang and grab a beer with everyone,” Carl said. “Did you want to come along? I’m sure everyone would be happy to see you again.”
I wasn’t so sure about that. Hell, I knew that wasn’t true. If I went, I knew I’d run into Aspyn. I wasn’t ready for that. Besides, I was actually tired.
“No,” I said. I yawned. “I’m beat. I think I’m gonna settle in and maybe get some rest.”
“There should be blankets and sheets in the closet in the bedroom,” Carl said. “I came here yesterday and put some food and some beers in the refrigerator. Just give me a call or stop by the main house if you need anything.” He turned to leave.
“Thanks, Carl. Thanks for everything.”
“I’m just glad to have you back, bro.” He smiled and headed outside.
I dropped on the nearby couch, knocking up a cloud of dust. I wondered how long it’d been since anyone had actually lived in this cabin.
I clung to my hope that going back to my roots would help the nightmares go away.
Chapter 7
Aspyn
“You’re gonna stay with Nana for tonight, sweetie,” I said.
“Yay! Nana!” Kadie clapped her hands together and bounced up and down.
I smiled down at her, my little brown-eyed cherub. It was hard to not smile whenever I looked into the wide eyes of my cute little 2-year-old girl. My life, my everything, my daughter.
Still, it was also hard not to see her father in her face and her light hair. It was weird to be both angry and grateful to the man at the same time.
I stood in my mama’s living room, guilt shooting through me. She’d agreed to watch Kadie so I could go out to the Wild Mustang with my friends. She never turned down a chance to watch her granddaughter, but I always felt bad when I had her watch Kadie for something other than work.
“Now, I’ll be back later, but it’ll be after bedtime,” I said to Kadie. “You go to sleep for Nana, okay?”
Kadie nodded her head, her expression so serious it made me want to laugh. “Yes, Mama.”
I knelt to give her a hug and a kiss before waving to her nana and stepping into the crisp early evening air.
Even though my car was sitting right in front of my mama’s house, I was going to walk to the Wild Mustang, though I didn’t plan to drink too much. Really, now that I was a parent, I never drank too much. It just wasn’t responsible.
I wanted the time to think. There was a good chance I might walk into the Mustang and see the man who had changed my life and then disappeared for three years.
As I turned a corner and crossed the street, I thought more about Alex. Carl had let me know a week before that Alex was coming to stay at his ranch. My friend had been a bit unclear on the details, but it didn’t sound like a quick stopover on the way to somewhere else.
My stomach knotted, and I wondered what I’d say to Alex if I saw him. I’d not talked to him in almost three years, and now I had a 2-year-old daughter. His 2-year-old daughter. There was no way I could keep this from him for long.
What would I do if he wanted to be part of Kadie’s life? Should I even let him, or should I go court and tell them how we’d had a tawd
ry one-night stand, and then he’d blown me off?
I groaned and shook my head. I didn’t know. This wasn’t about me anymore. I also had to consider Kadie and what was best for her. The problem was, I didn’t know if Alex would be a good thing for her or not.
I shook my head. There was nothing I could do about any of it right away. I’d worry about Alex when and if I saw him. My main concern was with Carl keeping his promise. I needed to handle this whole situation on my own terms.
My brisk walking got me to the Wild Mustang quicker than normal. I pushed open the doors and spotted Perri and Carl already at a table.
Hurrying over, I waved to them, a smile on my face. I was determined to not let Alex’s return ruin my night.
A quick check around didn’t reveal him. I was safe, at least for one more night. I almost laughed at the relief bouncing through me. I’d half-expected to open those doors and see that blond hair, gray eyes, and tattoos.
I headed over to the table, my heart feeling lighter than it had in days.
Perri rose and gave me a hug. Carl took a sip from his beer bottle and nodded. I slid into a seat between them.
“At least I’m not the last one here this time,” I said with a grin.
Perri laughed, and Carl shrugged.
A waitress, Jenny, came by. “A beer, Aspyn? Or Diet Pepsi?” She was already holding a beer, an expectant look on her face.
“Beer,” I said.
She placed a coaster down, followed by the bottle before walking away with a smile. The thing was, I didn’t drink during my pregnancy and only rarely when I was breastfeeding. I think that kind of annoyed the waitresses at the Wild Mustang.
Even though cutting down on alcohol wasn’t such a big deal for me, it hurt their tips when I came in, so I think they’d been more excited than I’d been when I started drinking again. The other problem for them was that when I drank less, everyone else drank less around me.
It also probably didn’t help that our little group wasn’t in as regularly anymore. As a parent, I couldn’t hit the bar as much anymore. Simple as that.
“It’s been a while since we’ve been together,” Carl said as if reading my mind.
I faked a smile and nodded.
Perri smirked. “I’m with Aspyn and Joe every day at town hall. You should get a job at the town hall, and then we could all be together.”
“I like working the ranch,” Carl said, giving her a flat look. “And I’m guessing it’s not all fun and games for y’all.”
“No, it isn’t,” I said, taking a sip of my beer.
“I like working outside. No offense, but I’d hate working in an office.”
Perri rolled her eyes.
I sighed. “I’m sorry. It’s my fault we all don’t get together much anymore.”
“No, no, no,” Carl said, shaking his head. “Don’t say that. You got a kid now. It comes with the territory. It just makes it more special when we do, is all.”
Perri reached over to pat my hand.
Warmth filled me. It was good to have friends who understood and supported me. I didn’t know what I would have done without them the past few years.
Joe stepped into the Mustang.
“Good evening, Mayor,” said an elderly man near the entrance.
“Good evening, Mayor,” said a young woman farther away.
Joe gave them both a nod. Several other people waved at him, and he had to follow a ritual of going around shaking people’s hands and wishing them a good evening. Poor guy couldn’t even get a beer anymore without getting swarmed. He’d proven himself to the town these last few years, and they always wanted to show their appreciation.
“It’s funny,” I said, watching Joe as he moved from well-wisher to well-wisher.
Carl and Perri looked at me. “What is?”
I pointed with my beer bottle at Joe. “It’s just funny that a guy we know from high school is the mayor. It’s not something I ever imagined back in the day. Did you think Joe would be mayor?”
My friends chuckled. Both of them shrugged.
“He did always like bossing people around,” Perri said and winked.
As I watched Joe continue to work the room, I sipped my beer and thought about how I was happy I only had to make my daughter happy and not everyone in town. I got tired just thinking about it.
Joe finally made his way over to our table. Jenny hurried over to set his beer down.
“Thank you,” he said.
She smiled at him and headed off.
“I think that little meet and greet takes longer every time I come in here,” Joe said. He smiled. “But it’s nice to know people still think I’m doing a good job.”
“Good job?” I said. “No one’s even gonna run against you next year. You’re the best mayor we’ve had in a while.”
“I’m sure someone will.” Joe shrugged. “It’s good for democracy to have choices, you know.”
“Don’t tempt me,” Perri said with a grin.
“Or maybe me,” I said, given them both a meaningful glance. “Perri and I do all the real work at the town hall anyway.”
Everyone at the table shared a laugh.
Joe lifted his bottle and nodded to Perri and then me. “Well, thank you then, ladies.” He gulped down some beer, and his smile disappeared. He looked over at Carl. “You might as well get it over with. It’s what we’re probably all thinking about anyway.”
My breath caught. There was only one topic that would get Joe so serious so quickly during one of our Wild Mustang nights. Only one big thing that had changed lately.
“What?” Carl said, sipping his beer and leaning back in his chair.
I wasn’t sure if he honestly didn’t know what Joe was getting at or if he was playing some sort of game. I tried not to be annoyed. I mostly succeeded. Only mostly.
“Last time we talked, you said you’d be picking Alex up today,” Joe said, frowning slightly.
Perri reached over to give my hand a squeeze. I gave her a grateful smile.
“Yeah, I picked him up. He’s going to stay in the cabin while he’s here.” Carl shrugged and looked over at me.
“I’m okay with that, Carl,” I said. “Maybe I didn’t make that clear enough before. I’m not asking you to turn your back on Alex.”
Joe picked up his beer and took a long drink. “I still don’t get why he came back after all these years.”
Carl looked around and then leaned in. “You have to understand the situation,” he said, his voice low.
“What?” Joe said.
Perri and I watched in silence, though my heart raced.
“Right after the reunion, there was an accident at the construction site,” Carl said. “I didn’t know about it until recently myself. Big explosion, a man was killed. Turns out Alex was almost killed too.”
Joe furrowed his brow. Perri gasped. I just listened, my heart kicking up even more.
“From what he told me, he was beat up damn bad during the accident and had to crawl out while pulling another guy, and the smoke almost got him before other guys showed up to save him. He said if it’d been like, 30 seconds later, he’d be dead.” He shook his head. “That’s not the worst of it, though.”
“What’s the worst of it?” I asked, shaking slightly.
“He has these nightmares, freaky nightmares about the accident. He has a lot of trouble sleeping, and he was having trouble on construction sites. He tried seeing a psychiatrist, but it didn’t help him much, so he’s here to find a quiet place to work and kind get his head on straight.”
“That’s why he’s at your ranch?”
Carl set his bottle on the table. “He knows the work, and it’s quiet.” He shrugged. “I don’t think he’s gonna stay in Livingston, but I have to help him. No matter what he did to you, Aspyn, he’s my friend.”
“No one’s saying you shouldn’t,” Joe said, a little irritation in his voice.
Perri sighed.
“You know, that might be w
hy he never contacted you,” Carl said, looking at me. “He might not have meant to hurt you.”
I looked away. “Was he in a coma?”
“Huh?”
I looked back over at him and locked eyes with him. “Was he in a coma?”
Carl shook his head. “Busted up leg and some burns. He was in the hospital for a while but not in a coma. He did lose his phone, though. He told me. So, you know, Aspyn, that’s probably why—”
“Don’t go there, Carl,” Joe said, his voice curt. “Just don’t.”
I held up my hand. “It’s okay, Joe.” I turned to Carl. “If he wasn’t in a coma, he could have got a hold of me. He could have called you or looked my number up or something like that. But he didn’t, Carl. Not for a day, not for a week, not for years.” I let out a long sigh. “I’ve not heard from him in three years. I’m sorry for his accident and his problems, and I do hope you can help him find some peace, but it doesn’t change the fact that he doesn’t want me as part of his life. He made that clear by never trying to contact me.”
Perri gave my hand another squeeze. “We’re here for you, Aspyn. Remember that.”
Joe nodded.
“And what about Kadie?” Carl said.
“What about Kadie?” I said with a shrug. “He didn’t want me as part of my life. He still doesn’t.” I stared at my friend. “Did he ever even ask about me?”
It was like someone let all the air out of Carl. He let out a long sigh and shook his head. “No, he didn’t.”
“See? It’s better for everyone.”
He managed to look up. “So, what? You’re never going to tell him the truth, then? He’s not gonna be here for a day or two, Aspyn. He’s gonna figure it out sooner or later.”
I held up my hand. “I know you’re having a hard time with the promise you made me to me, but if anyone needs to tell him, it has to be me, and I’ll do it when I’m comfortable because, at the end of the day, it’s about him, Kadie, and me. Not you. Not Perri. Not Joe.”
Carl gave me a shallow nod.
“Now, let’s stop worrying about Alex Kline for a second and just have a good time.”
Perri grinned. “How about some karaoke?”