by Claire Adams
“Cheapskate.” I headed up the stairs and found him in the master bedroom, covered in paint, a roller in hand. He put the roller on a tray and gestured grandly. “What do you think?”
A fresh coat of white paint covered the room.
“It looks nice. Better than new.”
“Thanks.”
Holding up the box, I smiled. “But why don’t you take a break?” I followed up that little enticement by walking over and giving him a kiss. “Unless you aren’t hungry.”
“I’m hungry as hell, but downstairs would probably be better,” Alex said. He grinned, and I tried to not to laugh at all the paint all over his face.
I headed toward the stairs, and he followed.
“Do you have all the rooms painted?”
“Most of the rooms, yeah. Most of the baseboards replaced, too. Along with the tiling in the kitchen.”
“Wow.”
Alex shrugged. “Just want a place to live, and a place where Kadie can visit.”
Once back downstairs, we sat cross-legged on the floor of the empty living room. I set the pizza box between us, and I opened it with a flourish, humming a little trumpet fanfare.
“I hope you like Hawaiian pizza,” I said.
“Right now, I’d like about anything,” Alex said with a smile.
He eagerly snatched up a slice and starting eating. I realized I hadn’t thought ahead. No plates or napkins or anything. But he didn’t seem to mind, so neither did I.
We munched down our pizza in near silence over the next few minutes, the sweet pineapple mixing with the savory ham. I’d picked the flavor on purpose. A lot of people I knew didn’t like Hawaiian pizza, but Alex had always loved it, and we used to have it all the time back in high school.
“This is good,” Alex said. “Almost the best pizza I’ve tasted.”
I smirked. “Did you have anything else to eat today?”
“Just some eggs this morning.”
“Well, there’s your explanation then.”
Alex finished off another slice but then frowned slightly.
“Something wrong with your pizza?” I asked.
He shook his head. “Have you told Kadie yet?”
“Told her what?”
“That I’m her father.”
My stomach knotted, and I swallowed. “No. I guess I was looking for the right time, and I suppose I wanted to be sure.”
“Sure of what?”
“That you were staying.”
“Definitely staying.”
I shrugged. “I guess we should tell her in the next day or two, then.”
His smile returned. “Seriously?”
“Yeah. She’s taking a shine to you, and she does deserve to know who her daddy is. We’ll still have to figure out everything else, but no reason to wait.” I winked. “You have a lot of blocks in your future.”
Alex grinned broadly, but the grin disappeared into a yawn. It was then I noticed how exhausted he looked. I’d been distracted by the smiles and the paint all over his face, but large bags rested under his eyes, and his movements were slow, as though they took extra concentration.
“Looks good around here,” I said quietly, not yet ready to ask if anything else was wrong. I half-feared it was my fault he was so exhausted. Maybe he’d been agonizing over when I was going to tell Kadie.
“Yeah, making good progress. Probably be able to start moving furniture in next week, and then I guess I can move in.” Alex rubbed the back of his neck. “The cabin’s been nice, but it’ll be even nicer to really have my own place. It’ll be my first real place.”
“What do you mean?”
“Always just rented little studio apartments in Texas. Even though I lived there for so long, it was like …”
I peered at him. “Like what?”
“Like I knew I didn’t belong there, so I didn’t want to set down real roots.”
I nodded slowly. I wasn’t going to complain. If he’d set down real roots in Texas, he would have never returned to Tennessee.
“So that’s why you’re so obsessed with this place?” I said. “You want to set down those real roots here again?”
A thoughtful expression crossed his face. “Yeah, I guess you could say that.”
“It’s not the end of the world if it takes a little longer,” I said.
Alex furrowed her brow. “What?”
“You just look so exhausted,” I said. “Between this place and working the ranch, I wonder if you’re running yourself ragged. You shouldn’t make yourself sick over this.” I reached over and gently caressed the side of his face. “We all know you’re not going to run, Alex. You don’t have to prove anything to us. Or to anyone.”
He stared at me for a long moment. “Yes, yes, I do.” Then a grin returned. “But it’s not that, not really.”
“I don’t understand.”
He shrugged. “I’ve worked way longer hours before. I’m not tired because I’ve been working too hard on the ranch and house. I’ve just been having some trouble getting to sleep.”
“Why is that?”
“Just some nightmares. Not a big deal.” He frowned. “I used to have more of a problem with them, but when I moved back here they were mostly gone, but the last several days, they’re back. Doesn’t matter, though. They’re just dreams, not real.”
“Oh, I see.” My heart sank.
I wanted to ask for more details, but then I remembered Carl mentioning how bad Alex’s nightmares were when he’d first come back to Livingston. I figured asking him for details would probably force him to focus on something awful even more.
I wondered why they’d come back, but that didn’t matter. The only thing that mattered was helping him fight them.
“Well, you know,” I said, my mothering instincts still kicking in. “Lots of ways to get better sleep. Going to bed at the same time, making sure you’re eating well.” I nibbled on my lip for a second as I thought about the problem. “They also say you shouldn’t look at your phone right before your sleep. The light messes with your brain somehow and makes it harder to get to sleep.”
Alex chuckled. “It’s not a big deal. It’s not like I’ve never dealt with nightmares before. They kind of came with the accident. I’ll live.”
Even though he wore a nonchalant look on his face, my heart broke at hearing him talk that way. He’d moved back to Livingston to find some peace, and it sounded like he’d finally found that peace, but it was being denied him.
There had to be something I could do beyond bringing him pizza and chatting with him on the phone. Or, for that matter, beyond giving him blowjobs.
“You should spend the night at my place,” I said softly.
Alex laughed. “If the idea is for me to get sleep, I don’t see how that would help.”
Heat warmed my cheeks, and I shook my head. “No, no. I don’t mean we’d sleep together. I mean we would sleep together, but we just wouldn’t have sex. I wanted to maybe see how you sleep. Maybe I can see something that could help.”
Alex stared at me like I’d gone nuts, but he wasn’t exactly arguing anymore.
“Okay, let me grab some stuff from the cabin. How about I meet you at your place?”
Chapter 28
Alex
As I pulled my truck up in front of the cabin, I wondered what Aspyn really thought she could do. At first, I really had believed she was trying to invite me over for sex, but after seeing the pain in her eyes, I realized that no, she thought she could do something about my nightmares.
The instincts of a lover, mother, and woman had combined, I thought, to want to help me. I didn’t resent that all, but I also didn’t think she could do crap all to help me, no matter her good intentions.
I also didn’t have the heart to tell her I’d seen professionals, and they hadn’t done me much good. It was always the same garbage. I needed to come to terms with the accident. Because I hadn’t, it continued to haunt me. That’s what they said, anyway.
How the hell ha
dn’t I come to terms with the accident? It’s not like I didn’t constantly think about it. It haunted me most of my fucking nights in Texas. Only coming back to Tennessee had brought me some relief, and even now, it seemed like it was going away.
I wasn’t running from it because I couldn’t escape it. What was that but accepting the damn accident?
Rubbing the bridge of my nose, I took several deep breaths, all the while wondering if Aspyn truly understood how messed up I was. The boy she knew in high school might have lived until that accident, but he was dead after for sure.
I grabbed some clothes and a few other odds and ends to toss them into my black suitcase. Once I finished packing, I took several deep breaths. My heart thundered.
Vulnerable and weak. I knew I was those things on some level. If I hadn’t been, I wouldn’t have had to come back to my hometown to heal. I could have gotten out of the hospital and continued on my merry way without a care in the world.
But now that I’d finally connected with Aspyn again, I was afraid she’d start seeing me as weak. As not a man. Once she did, she might want to walk away, and I couldn’t really blame her if she did. It wasn’t her duty to fix my broken-ass mind.
That’s why I’d not talked about the nightmares. She thought she liked me. Maybe she even thought she loved me, but I still wasn’t sure whether Aspyn liked or loved the actual me or the memory of me she’d worshipped in those years when I was gone.
If I woke up screaming, would she still want me around?
I sucked in a breath. I might wake up and scare Kadie. I started to think this whole idea was terrible.
No. I shook my head. I needed to keep moving forward. Any future with Aspyn would mean she’d have to deal with the darkness and the light.
Carl had already shown me the way. A man moves forward. He doesn’t stay in place, no matter the risk.
I snatched my suitcase from the floor.
It was time for the first test.
* * *
“Goodnight, Mama,” Aspyn said to her mother from the front door. She waved, and her mother waved back before she shut the door.
I was standing outside Kadie’s bedroom, looking at her crib. My little girl was already in bed, sucking her little thumb, peaceful as can be, not a care in the world.
I gently closed the door and walked back to the living room. Aspyn took a seat on her couch and patted the seat right next to her. I walked over and sat.
“What do you think Kadie dreams about?” I asked. “Unicorns and gumdrops or whatever?”
Aspyn laughed softly. “I don’t know. I’ve never thought to ask. Kid stuff, I’d guess. Me. Her nana. Blocks. Candy. Puppies.”
I nodded slowly. That made sense. “Has she ever had a nightmare?”
Aspyn furrowed her brow, thinking it over in silence for several seconds. “I can’t rightly say. She’s never told me she’s had a bad dream.” She frowned. “I wonder if that’s normal.”
“No one needs nightmares,” I said. “They don’t help you get through anything.”
Aspyn swallowed and stared at me. “Can I ask you a question?”
“What?”
“What are they about? Your nightmares?” She jerked her head to the side. “I shouldn’t have asked that. It’s none of my business.”
I reached up to gently turn her head back my way. “We’re together, so it’s damn well your business, and I need to start learning to get help from those I care about if I’m trying to convince them they’ve got a future with me.”
Her eyes softened. “You’re sure?”
A single bark of laughter left my mouth. “No, but I’m still going to stop running.” I sighed and rose. I started pacing. “What do you know about my accident?”
“I don’t know much. Carl mentioned some sort of explosion and that you were in the hospital.”
I stopped pacing to eye her for a moment. “And you never looked it up? You weren’t curious?”
Aspyn grimaced. “Why would I? I knew you were hurt, and it was a bad accident. I don’t like the details of that kind that kind of stuff. It can …” She winced.
“It can give you nightmares, yeah.” I nodded slowly.
Aspyn sighed and nodded.
“And you’re sure you want to hear this, then?”
She set her face with grim determination and gave me a quick jerk of a nod. “I think I can’t help you unless I know everything.”
“It was just a standard day, you know. I was back right after the reunion. Working construction.” I shrugged. “There was a gas leak. We didn’t smell it until it was too late. There was this welder there. He ignited the gas. Poor bastard.” I looked up at her ceiling. “I thought when I was in the Army that I might have to deal with seeing people killed or blown up but never had to, but that day, I knew what it would be like, to be hurt, helpless, to think you’re gonna die because of something that’s not your fault at all.”
Her eyes widened, but she didn’t say anything.
“I got hurt bad, but you know that already. I was laid up. During the accident, though, I was crawling, trying to carry this guy with me, thinking the roof was gonna collapse on me any second or the smoke was gonna get me, until some other guys came and pulled us both out. And I couldn’t help thinking of that poor welder. That son of a bitch must have been killed instantly.” My stomach lurched, and bile climbed my throat. “Of course, that’s what I want to tell myself. I don’t want to think about how he might have suffered or how maybe I could have helped pull him out too.” I locked eyes with her. Tears welled up in the corners of hers. “That’s what I dream about, all the time. It’s not the actual accident itself, just fire, roofs collapsing, and the welder. Sometimes he’s telling me to save him, and sometimes he’s telling me I’m gonna die.”
“You don’t deserve to, you know,” Aspyn blurted out.
“What?” I blinked.
“I know you have PTSD.” She licked her lips, her gaze shifting away. “But it also sounds like something else too. I’ve heard of it, you know. What do they call it, survivor’s guilt?”
“Yeah, some of the shrinks I talked to after the accident talked about that, but I don’t have that.”
“It sounds like you do to me.”
I thought that over. “I don’t want to die.”
“But do you want to live?” A pleading look burned in her eye.
“Maybe you’re right,” I said softly. “I don’t know about before, but I definitely have something to live for now.” I glanced at her and then over in the direction of Kadie’s room.
“You also don’t have to deal with it alone anymore.”
“I … talked to people. Shrinks.”
“They weren’t your friends. They didn’t care about you like your friends or like I do.” She reached up and placed a soft hand on my cheek. “Just always remember. You’re not alone now.”
Aspyn leaned in and gave me a soft kiss.
I kissed her back, sweetly and gently.
Love. I thought I knew what it was before, but in that moment, I finally understood.
* * *
We watched a movie and then headed to bed. As I’d guessed, it was hard for us to both fit, but she wrapped herself around me, rubbing my back as I tried to drift off. Even the presence of the beautiful and kind woman right in bed with me didn’t stop my heart from thumping in worry.
I thought over what she said. The shrinks had prattled on to me about survivor’s guilt, but I never put much stock in it. I always figured I tried to save someone and didn’t think the accident was my fault, so how could I feel that sort of thing?
I knew at the time I’d had no chance of going after the welder. Even if I had dragged him out without dying, he was probably already dead. But when my woman talked about the guilt, it made a lot more sense. It’d also explained why my dreams were filled with people telling me I was going to die.
It wasn’t about effort, I realized. I’d been haunted, I thought, on some level by the idea th
at my life had been spared when a better life might not have.
I’d let my life slip away long before that accident, probably after my dad had passed away. Now, slowly, so many years later, Aspyn was helping me get it back. I just didn’t know if that’d be enough to stop the nightmares.
It wasn’t fair to put that on her, though, even if she wanted to help. My fucked-up head was my fault and the accident’s fault. She could ask to help, but she might not be able to, no matter how much she wanted to.
I understood that. I only hoped she did as well.
Soon, though, my eyes grew heavy with her next to me, her soft hand rubbing my back.
* * *
Sun streamed in through the window landing on my face. I yawned and sat up. Aspyn was still asleep.
Rested. Damn well-rested. That’s what I felt.
Now I couldn’t tell anyone for the life of me what I had dreamed about, but I did know what I hadn’t dreamed about.
I smiled down at Aspyn. A nightmare-free night just from sleeping in the same bed with the woman I loved?
That seemed a cheap price to pay.
Chapter 29
Aspyn
No nightmares for me. In fact, I woke up with more than a little warmth pooling in my center. Apparently, having a handsome, half-naked man pressed up against me all night played some tricks with my body, and some of those signals ended in my dreams.
So, maybe not nightmares, but it was frustrating that I was only getting to dream about fun times and not actually having them.
With a yawn, I stretched and sat up, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes.
When I finally did fully wake up, a delicious combination of smells reached my nose: coffee and bacon. The twin fuels of Livingston. My stomach rumbled.
“Hold on a second,” I said to my traitorous body.
Since Alex wasn’t in bed, I assumed he was responsible for the coffee and bacon. Nothing sexier than a man who knew his way around a kitchen. I grabbed a robe and slipped it on before heading that way.
I stopped in my doorway, thinking about what was going on. I’d dated other men, but I’d never actually had a man in my own home cook me breakfast. Warmth heated my face at the thought. Some things were even better than sex.