by Claire Adams
After a few more seconds, I managed to force my legs into moving again and continued toward the kitchen. I prayed to the Lord that the food tasted as good as it smelled.
Guilt suddenly gnawed at me over the idea that I’d had such a good night’s sleep. The whole reason my man was there was to get a good night’s sleep, and I hated the idea that I’d been dreaming about sex while he might have been dreaming about death and destruction. My stomach clenched.
I also worried I was being arrogant thinking I could help his nightmares, but if a little love couldn’t help push away nightmares, what good was it?
The best thing a woman could do for her man was support him so that was what I was trying to do. I didn’t have any better ideas other than I’d told him before at his house.
Closing on the kitchen, the sound of off-key nursery rhymes being sung reached my ears. Two singers, an older, lower voice combined with a squeaky 2-year-old’s.
I finally stepped into the kitchen. Alex was frying some bacon and eggs on the stove while dancing back and forth. He shot me a grin as he spotted me.
Kadie sat in her booster seat at the table, a half-eaten bowl of cereal in front of her, but she seemed more concerned with clapping, giggling, and occasionally singing along with Alex.
They continued on this way for a good minute before their makeshift medley finally ended, and Kadie threw her arms up in a cheer.
Emotion shot through me, blasting out all my sadness and concern. Joy, unbridled joy all but exploded out, and it took all my self-control not to start crying tears of happiness.
A person could never know what they were missing if they’d never experienced it to begin with. There, at that moment, as I saw Alex doing something so normal, cooking breakfast while entertaining his daughter, I understood what a complete family could be and how it could make you feel.
I’d had a hole in my heart that I’d thought I’d filled with friends and other family, but I realized they’d only covered it and never filled it.
Complete love. That’s the only way I could describe what I was feeling. My family finally felt complete, and I could have almost slapped myself for resisting for long as I had.
Still, I didn’t spend much time worrying about the mistakes of the past. The beautiful sight before me wouldn’t let such darkness hang in my mind. I also realized something very important. My heart now belonged to Alex.
He turned from his bacon and eggs to shoot me another smile. He walked over to me and gave me a sweet kiss. I gave him a sweet kiss back, and it was only my daughter’s presence that stopped me from running my hands all over his body and sticking my tongue down his throat.
“Good morning, Aspyn,” Alex said.
I sat down at the table after kissing Kadie on the forehead.
“Good morning, Alex. Good morning, sweetie.”
“Good morning, Mama,” Kadie said. With the singing now long over, she looked disappointed and started slurping up her cereal again.
Alex dished us up some bacon and eggs. My stomach rumbled again as the aroma from my plate rose and met my nose.
We adults didn’t talk for a couple of minutes as we both dug into our food. Neither of us had eaten anything since the pizza last night, and that was a good number of hours earlier.
People said hunger is a good spice, and that might have been the case, as I could have sworn the bacon and eggs were some of the best I’d ever tasted. Or maybe my new man was very good at handling his breakfast cooking.
After eating half my food and draining a cup of coffee, my thoughts drifted away from the positive to something far more negative.
“How did you sleep?” I asked quietly. I wasn’t sure if it was too forward a question or not, but I’d invited him over for one main purpose, and as much as I adored seeing him make Kadie happy, I needed to know if I’d actually helped him.
I’d do whatever I needed to help him sleep with nightmares, even if that meant he never stayed over at my place again.
“I slept great,” he said. “Best sleep I’ve had in a while.” He leaned toward me. “Not a single nightmare,” he whispered.
I let out a breath I didn’t even know I was holding. “You’re sure?” I whispered back.
Alex nodded and then leaned back.
“Big plans today?” I said, figuring there was no reason to continue talking about the nightmares.
Also, I didn’t want Kadie to get too suspicious about all our whispering. Not that she’d figure what we were saying, but for all I knew, she’d think we were preparing to buy a puppy or something.
“Just stuff on the ranch and work on the house,” he said. “Same as every day. I’ve got the easy stuff done on the house with most of the important and immediate stuff on the inside taken care of. Yard crap can wait.” He shrugged. “I might grab a few goats and let them handle it.”
“I want a goat!” Kadie shouted, then laughed.
“Don’t we all?” Alex said with a grin.
We both laughed. Kadie laughed again since we were.
“What about the outside?”
Alex chuckled. “That bothers you?”
I shrugged. “It’s not that it bothers me. It’s just since you’re fixing things up anyway, might as well, right?”
“Sick of painting at this point, so I’ll probably hire someone to come and paint the outside.”
“That’s expensive,” I said. “Might even have to hire someone from out of town.”
Alex grunted then swallowed a bite of egg. “It’s not a big deal. Plus, some people can use the work, I’m guessing.”
I nodded once and then thought it over. He’d bought a new house, went into a partnership on a productive piece of land, and had a new truck. Not only that, he was going to buy a bunch of new furniture, and that definitely was not cheap.
The more I added it up in my mind, the more I worried. That was a lot of money. Far more than I could afford, and I started to wonder if Alex was being honest about if he could afford it either.
I started to wonder if there was a different explanation. I’d been assuming he was buying these things outright, but that was silly. Most people didn’t buy houses outright. They took out loans. Same things with cars, and even a lot of times furniture.
I was renting my house, but I was making payments on my car and couch.
I began to suspect Alex was going into heavy debt to prove to me he was going to put down roots and what a great father he could be. It was hard to know what I should say to him. After all, he wasn’t a kid, and so he knew about the dangers of a lot of loans, but at the same time, I didn’t want him ending in a bad financial situation while trying to impress me.
Stability and hard work. That’s all I’d ever wanted from a man, let alone Alex. A nice ass and chiseled chest were nice, too, but I definitely wasn’t expecting some millionaire to come and sweep me off my feet.
I’d stayed in Livingston for several reasons, but the chief of which was that I liked our working-class rural vibe.
After swallowing my final bite of bacon, I glanced up at the clock and winced. “Oh, dam—darn.” I glanced over at Kadie. She watched me, wide-eyed and smiling.
“What’s wrong?” Alex asked.
“I didn’t set my alarm. I slept in.” I all but jumped out of my seat. “I’m way behind schedule. I have to get ready, and I gotta take Kadie to Mama’s before work.”
“I can do that.”
“What?”
“I can take Kadie to your mom’s.” He shrugged. “No big deal.”
“Well, I guess, but it’ll probably take a few minutes to get the car seat out of my car and into your truck, and then we’ll have to move it again later.” I sighed. Oh, I was so screwed.
“I already have a car seat in the back.”
“What?”
Alex smiled. “I bought one Wednesday morning. I had to go into town to buy some more paint anyway, and I figured I’d get one since I wasn’t sure when I might need to take Kadie somewhere, you
know, like her grandma’s.”
“Yay! Nana!” She clapped her hands together.
I stared at Alex, my mouth open. How could one man be so perfect?
“Okay, thanks, Alex,” I said. I walked over and knelt in front of Kadie. “Alex will be taking you to Nana’s; okay, sweetie?”
“Okay,” she said.
I almost wanted to explain right then and there who Alex was, but telling her he was her daddy seemed like something I shouldn’t drop in passing while rushing to get out the door.
I hurried back to my room to get some clothes and then into my bathroom for a quick shower. I got ready for work in record time and then rushed back into the kitchen to plant kisses on both my beloveds before hurrying to my car.
Pulling away, I glanced into the rearview mirror at my house. My heart was still in that house with Alex and Kadie.
I didn’t know if things had moved fast or slow. Alex hadn’t been back that long, but on the other hand, I’d loved him since high school.
I just couldn’t help wondering what I’d gotten myself into.
Chapter 30
Alex
When I first moved back to Livingston, I didn’t have any hope I’d ever get back together with Aspyn, not even as a friend.
I understood that I’d hurt her. Ignored her. Made her feel like I didn’t care.
When I first saw her again, I half-expected her to throw a drink in my face and tell me how I was a worthless piece of shit. I would have deserved it.
No. I didn’t come back to town thinking I could get her back. Hell, I certainly didn’t know about Kadie at the time. The only thin sliver I grasped was the idea that if I bided my time, maybe, just maybe, she’d begin to forgive me.
Now, on my way from Ranch 2.0 to her house in town, I let a huge grin split my face. My wildest dreams were coming true.
Everything was different. Not like it was before, but even better. We were together as more than friends finally. We had a daughter together.
Kadie was the beginning of something more. Kids helped keep people together. It was only a matter of moving on to the next step, my daughter helping lead the way.
My grin disappeared. My daughter didn’t even know I was her father. I was imagining some bright, sunny future with all of us together, but Aspyn was still acting like I might disappear at any second. Even if she had her reasons, the thought still hurt.
Doubt wormed itself way back into my heart. If Aspyn was happy to be with me, then Kadie deserved to know the truth.
I gritted my teeth, and my heart kicked up. No, no, no. It couldn’t be going wrong, not when I’d managed to finally get through to her.
“Stop being a pussy,” I muttered to myself.
Aspyn would tell Kadie the truth soon enough. I just had to believe in her. We’d reconnected.
The more I thought about it, the more I believed it. It wasn’t like she would be interested in something short-term anyway. Now that I’d proven I was going to stick around, she was responding to that. We had something together, and she understood I planned to be there for our daughter for the long haul.
What would you call that? Love? I don’t know. Maybe that was too much, but there definitely was a connection that went beyond friendship.
I glanced down at the clock on my dashboard. It was almost noon. Aspyn would be spending her Friday helping her mother out with watching kids. She said I could stop by and play with Kadie. It’d be a fun time if I could stop worrying.
There was something I had to do first, though. Make myself a promise.
“Tonight,” I said to myself. “No more delays. It’s time my daughter knew who her father is.”
* * *
Hours later, I glanced into the back seat of the truck. Kadie was asleep in her car seat, a little nap before dinner. We’d had a great time at her grandmother’s playing together, and now we were on our way back to Aspyn’s place.
I would have loved to have taken them back to my house, but Kadie’s room still wasn’t set up. Her furniture had been delivered, but I needed to put it together.
As I watched her little face twitch in sleep in the rearview mirror, I marveled at how quickly I’d taken to this little girl, my little girl. I already had so many plans, so many ways I wanted to be there for her.
I wanted to make sure I would be the best damn daddy in the world. Maybe that way, I could honor my own dad.
I smiled over at Aspyn in the passenger seat.
She smiled back. “You don’t always have to play blocks with her, you know. You can do something else.”
“But she likes blocks.”
“Just saying, Alex, that part of being her daddy is not always giving in to what she wants. Sometimes push her a little to do some other things, figure things out that you both enjoy and do them together. That way you both have fun.”
“You’re saying you don’t play blocks with her?”
“Not for hours on end, no.” She laughed.
“I like playing with her. I—” I didn’t take my eyes off the road, even as my breath caught. “Daddy?”
I’d thought the word so many times but hearing it from Aspyn’s lips as we talked about the future was something else entirely.
“Yeah. What of it? You are her daddy.”
My hands tightened around the steering wheel. “But she doesn’t know that.”
“No, she doesn’t.” Aspyn sighed. “I guess …”
“I’ve proven I’m not going anywhere.” I did my best to keep any anger out of my voice, but my words still came out harshly.
“I know, I know.” She rubbed the back of her neck. “I guess it’s hard to figure out the best way to tell her.” She looked over her shoulder. Kadie was still fast asleep.
“Just tell her,” I said. “It’s not like she has someone else she thinks is her daddy. Unless you don’t want to tell her for some reason.”
Aspyn winced and quickly shook her head. “I didn’t at first, but now things are different. No matter what else happens, she deserves to know.” She looked out the window. “You tell her tonight. At dinner. I think it’ll be better if it comes from you.”
I nodded slowly but didn’t say anything.
No matter what else happens.
Those words lingered in the back of mind. My future as Kadie’s daddy might be secure, but my future with Aspyn wasn’t. Talking to her about it then was a bad idea. There was still too much tension over Kadie hanging over us.
I kept my eyes locked on the road, doing my best to ignore the screaming from the back of my head.
You screwed it up, Alex. It’s too late. You ghosted her, and she’ll never truly forgive you. Pussy.
Nothing but self-destructive guilt. I knew that. I didn’t need to go talk to a headshrinker to have him tell me that.
Too bad knowing and feeling aren’t the same thing.
* * *
I picked up a forkful of creamy macaroni and cheese and downed it. I made a face at Kadie, and she giggled before swallowing her own bite.
“Well, I’m glad you didn’t put anything crazy in here,” I said. We’d been discussing some funny videos we watched on YouTube where people reacted to strange recipes they had seen on TV.
Aspyn grinned. “Yeah, I saw this one video where this woman was putting brussels sprouts in her macaroni and cheese. Who does that? She was from Connecticut, so maybe it’s some crazy Yankee thing.”
I grimaced, and my stomach twisted at the thought. “Mac and cheese is mac and cheese, not mac and brussels sprouts.”
Kadie made a funny face. “No sprouts in my mac!”
We all laughed together.
I felt something then, something I’d never felt in my entire life, even when I’d gotten my scholarship and my father was still alive, complete and total satisfaction.
All those years I’d been searching for something to fill the hole in my soul. I’d tried women. I’d tried booze. I’d tried overworking myself to exhaustion.
It wasn’t ev
en just Aspyn or being a daddy but the whole experience. I wanted a family. I needed a family.
I gobbled down some more bites, watching quietly while Aspyn traded some jokes with our daughter. So happy. So carefree.
No matter what else happens.
It didn’t matter what I wanted unless Aspyn agreed, and that one little statement had made it clear she didn’t agree, at least not yet.
I resisted a sigh. Through a miracle and the grace of God, I’d managed to reconnect with Aspyn, but that didn’t mean I had unlimited luck. I’d have to think about the best time and place to try and broach the topic of our long-term future together.
I had something else I needed to handle, and it was another necessary step on the path to us all being together.
“Kadie,” I said.
She looked up from her meal, cheese sauce on her face. “Yes?”
“Do you know who your daddy is?”
Kadie furrowed her cute little brow for a moment before shaking her head. She looked over at her mother.
Aspyn didn’t say anything. She just watched us, tension lining her features.
My fingers curled into fists, and my stomach twisted. Her expression was making me nervous, looking as if she expected something awful to happen once I told Kadie the truth.
I wasn’t sure if I should tell her. Maybe Aspyn sensed something I didn’t.
Or was it all a test?
“I’m your daddy,” I blurted out. Sometimes the only way out is through.
Kadie tilted her head to stare at me and then wiped her messy face with her sleeve.
I swallowed, waiting for her to respond. She was a little kid. It wasn’t exactly like she’d had time to build some big resentment toward me. Or so I hoped.
“Where were you?” Kadie said. Her voice was curious, not angry.
“In Texas,” I said simply.
“Is Texas far away?”
“Yeah, you could say that.”
Kadie nodded and picked her fork up for another bite. “Okay. Love you, Daddy.”