Finding Arun

by Marisha Pink

SEVEN

  AARON hung back in the driveway whilst Aunt Ruby fumbled with her key in the door. He was still hesitant about returning home; so much had occurred there in recent weeks that it no longer felt like the safe haven that it used to and he genuinely feared what might happen once he set foot inside. Oblivious to his reluctance, Aunt Ruby quickly ushered him through the open door and towards the kitchen, leaving him little time to examine his anxieties any further. She had spent much of the journey home remarking upon how much weight Aaron had lost and seemed determined to feed him until he was no longer able to stand. His appetite had not yet returned, but he was too mentally exhausted to argue and proceeded towards the kitchen, bracing himself for a confrontation with Arthur.

  The daily newspaper lay open on the kitchen table adjacent to a half-filled mug of coffee as he had expected, but to his surprise Arthur was nowhere to be found. He instantly relaxed at this happy discovery and taking a seat at the table, tried to tune out Aunt Ruby’s incessant chatter while she rattled around the kitchen preparing brunch. He was halfway through his meal when Arthur finally reappeared, hovering in the kitchen doorway, uncertain of the reception that he would receive. Dark circles had formed around his eyes, evidence of the little sleep that he had been able to manage since Aaron’s departure, and there was a ghostly grey pallor about his skin. Aaron paused, his fork dramatically suspended in mid-air, and Arthur seemed to search his son’s face for signs of forgiveness, but it quickly became apparent that Aaron was giving nothing away.

  Aunt Ruby took charge and ushered Arthur into the seat opposite Aaron. She returned to the counter to prepare a plate for her brother and left Arthur staring hard at his son. Aaron resumed his meal, rhythmically lifting forkfuls of food into his mouth with great concentration to distract himself from the intensity of Arthur’s gaze. He swallowed the final mouthful and pushed his plate into the centre of the table, just when Aunt Ruby was setting Arthur’s own plate down in front of him.

  The old man looked from his son to his sister and back again, seeming panicked that Aaron was going to leave the table, but Aaron did not move. He met his father’s gaze, this time noting how distressed and dishevelled the old man appeared, compared to when he had left him a few days prior. He still bore a huge amount of resentment towards him, but the truth was that, more than anything else, he pitied Arthur. Arthur would have to live with what he had done and his act of betrayal would forever remain a blemish on his otherwise flawless dedication to his late wife.

  Aaron’s eyes softened as he continued to regard the fragile man sat across from him; it was hard to remain stony-faced in light of this realisation and it wasn’t his natural demeanour.

  ‘Are you okay?’

  ‘I’m fine.’

  ‘Where have you been?’

  ‘I went to Jez’s.’

  Arthur winced visibly, unable to hide his disdain.

  ‘You should have called. I called everyone that I could think of; I was so worried.’

  ‘I didn’t really feel like speaking to you.’

  ‘Well then you could have texted.’

  ‘You don’t know how to text, Arthur.’

  ‘I do too.’

  ‘I just needed to be on my own for a bit.’

  Arthur was silently contemplative for a few moments before beginning the conversation that neither of them wanted to have, but both knew was necessary.

  ‘I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you what your mother asked me to,’ he blurted out before he could change his mind.

  ‘I know that you are,’ whispered Aaron quietly.

  He glanced conspiratorially at Aunt Ruby who, having seated herself between them for mediation, smiled back at him encouragingly.

  ‘I’m sorry that she lied to you too, to both of us, but I’m sure that she had her reasons.’

  Aaron sighed, carefully considering Arthur’s words. They were full of the same optimistic rationale that he himself had been battling with; was Aunt Ruby right? Had love unknowingly blinded and deceived both of them into thinking that Catherine was infallible? Aaron remained sceptical despite the growing evidence, but he found a certain solace in the knowledge that he was not alone in his thinking and the ongoing respect for Catherine forged an invisible bridge between him and Arthur once more.

  ‘After you left, I went up to the study. When you said that you had found letters … I didn’t realise that there were so many. I can’t believe that they were in touch all these years, it’s mad. I mean, your mother, and a woman in India, who would have thought? I know that she loved the time that she spent out there and of course she had her friends, because you know your mother always was one for socialising, but it still amazes me that –’

  ‘Arthur,’ interrupted Aaron brusquely, recognising that his father was slipping off into senseless ramblings.

  ‘Sorry,’ mumbled Arthur apologetically.

  Aaron glanced at Aunt Ruby, silently seeking approval to broach the subject that he really wanted to discuss and she smiled back at him, nodding supportively.

  ‘Arthur, I’m thinking of going to India to see Kalpana.’

  Arthur’s face dropped instantly and he opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out. Aunt Ruby shot her brother a look of warning.

  ‘You … but … you … why?’

  ‘Why not?’

  Arthur looked mildly insulted.

  ‘Well … because. Because it’s not exactly … I mean, I understand that you … I know it was a shock to find out about her, but … don’t you think that you’re being a little ridiculous?’ Arthur stammered.

  ‘Why am I being ridiculous exactly?’ replied Aaron, cocking his head to one side mockingly. He wasn’t sure why Arthur was so surprised, but his choice of words irritated him.

  ‘Because! You don’t even know the woman, Aaron.’

  ‘Isn’t that the point?’

  Arthur looked to Aunt Ruby, seeming to silently plead for her to intervene, but she closed her eyes and shook her head, refusing to enter the discussion. Arthur turned his attention back to Aaron, the exasperation evident in his face.

  ‘Aaron, I know you’re upset about losing your mother, but finding this, this woman, it’s not going to change anything. It’s not going to bring her back. She can’t replace her.’

  ‘I know that.’

  ‘Then why do you want to go and see her?’ he whined, seemingly convinced that there could be no other reason for considering such a trip.

  ‘Because, I can. I couldn’t before, but now I can and I’m curious, Arthur. I want to know what she’s like. I want to know why she gave me up for adoption, why she couldn’t keep me.’

  ‘Well isn’t that obvious? She didn’t want you!’

  ‘ARTHUR,’ shrieked Aunt Ruby, but it was too late.

  The words hit Aaron like a bullet to the chest and he felt winded by their harshness.

  ‘Oh God. Aaron, I … Aaron, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. Of course I didn’t.’

  He looked to Aunt Ruby for help, but she simply returned a look of contempt and reached across to squeeze Aaron’s arm reassuringly. The trio sat in silence, the stark reality of Arthur’s insensitive words weighing down upon them. Aaron stared at the floor drawing deep breaths in an attempt to quash the rising anger he felt. This was not how he had envisaged the conversation unfolding.

  ‘Aaron, please, say something,’ Arthur begged.

  ‘Is that really what you think?’ he said quietly, not looking up from the floor.

  ‘N-yes, yes it is, but only because I can’t see any other reason. Catherine would never have taken you away from your birth mother otherwise.’

  ‘But if she didn’t want me, then why would she have stayed in touch with Mum all these years? Why would she have asked about me and asked to see me?’

  ‘I don’t know, Aaron. I don’t know this woman, but I do know Catherine and she would only have lied to protect you. She said so herself, remember? She just wanted you to be happy. There must be somet
hing that we don’t know.’

  ‘Isn’t that reason enough to go and see Kalpana? She does know, she’s the only one that knows.’

  ‘Aaron, I know you think that she’s going to have all the answers, but you might not like what you find. Sometimes I think it’s better to let sleeping dogs lie.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘I mean that you’ve had a fantastic life with your mother and I. We’ve given you everything that anyone could ever possibly want or ask for. You’ve attended good schools, you’ve travelled and now you have your place at Oxford. What I’m saying is, at the end of the day, does it really matter why? And whatever the reason, maybe it was for the best. You already have a mother; she was a wonderful, loving, caring woman and I know that it’s hard with her gone, but you have such a bright future ahead of you. Why risk spoiling it by going after someone who was happy to live without you for nineteen years?’

  Aaron sighed heavily; everything that Arthur had said was true. Meeting Kalpana might not be the happy reunion that he was imagining in his head. She might not want, or be able, to answer his questions, but after all the years of wondering, all the years of never fitting in to the world in which he lived because of the world from which he’d come, the prospect of meeting his birth mother was simply too great to ignore.

  ‘It’s a risk that I have to take,’ he said finally.

  Arthur looked helplessly at Aunt Ruby, but she only raised her eyebrow signalling for him to be cautious with his response.

  ‘I’ll tell you what,’ he began dejectedly, ‘why don’t you write to her first? Tell her that you’d like to make a visit and see what she says? You don’t want to rush something like this; I’m sure it will be quite an event for the both of you.’

  ‘There isn’t time, Arthur, she’s said that she’s sick. That letter was written at the start of March and April is practically over already; a letter will take too long, if it even gets there at all.’

  ‘Nonsense. I can send it as priority mail from the office. It will get there in no time.’

  Aaron wasn’t sure why, but he didn’t trust Arthur, not with something this big.

  ‘I think it’s better if I just go. What if she’s too sick to reply to a letter now? She said that she can’t get out of bed anymore. I don’t want it to be like, like –’

  ‘Like your mother,’ Arthur finished, ‘it’s okay, I get it. When I get back to the office next week, I’ll talk with Sarah about clearing a few weeks in my diary and ask her to look into some flight options for us. We should be able to manage something around July; it’s normally a bit quieter then with everyone taking time off for the school holidays.’

  ‘We?’ Aaron blurted out before he could stop himself.

  This time it was him who received the look of warning from Aunt Ruby.

  ‘Well yes, you can’t possibly go alone, Aaron. Anything could happen.’

  ‘I … I think July is too far away, Arthur,’ he responded diplomatically.

  It was true, July was too long to wait, but moreover Aaron wasn’t sure why Arthur wanted to come with him at all and the mere thought of it made him uncomfortable. Arthur had never played the doting father and his latest over-protective protestations didn’t add up. The trip would be momentous enough without also having to contend with the particulars of their relationship and Aaron didn’t want anything to detract from the purpose of his visit.

  ‘Well it would be a push, but I’ll see if the schedule allows anything earlier …’

  ‘Arthur …’

  ‘Of course it will be tricky at such short notice …’

  ‘Arthur, listen I –’

  ‘And with all the time I’ve had off recently because of things with your mother, well –’

  ‘Arthur,’ interjected Aunt Ruby forcefully, halting her brother’s spiralling ramblings.

  She squeezed his arm reassuringly and then turned to Aaron, motioning for him to continue.

  ‘Arthur I was thinking of going in the next few weeks, as soon as I can get a visa really ... and I think it would be best if I went on my own.’

  Arthur’s face fell and suddenly he looked small and pitiful all at once. The three of them remained silent and nobody knew where to look, least of all Aaron. There was nothing more to say and he quickly resented the growing feelings of guilt gathering in his body as a result of Arthur’s odd reaction. The old man usually cared little about what he was doing and even less about where he was doing it. His sudden interest in Aaron’s affairs was unnerving and though Aaron couldn’t put his finger on it, it was clear that something inside Arthur had shifted since Catherine had died.

  ‘Okay, if that’s what you really want,’ he mumbled eventually. ‘How long do you think you’ll be gone for?’

  ‘I have no idea, a few weeks at least. It might take a while to find her; the address on the letters is only a post office box address.’

  ‘Perhaps you need to spend a little more time researching here then?’ enthused Arthur, badly disguising his delight at the prospect of a delay in the proceedings.

  ‘Don’t you have the adoption papers, Arthur? Wouldn’t they have that sort of information on?’ enquired Aunt Ruby innocently.

  ‘I’ve never seen any,’ he responded, seemingly irked by his sister’s question, ‘if anything, Catherine would have filed them away in her study, but I’ve cleared it out completely now and I didn’t find anything.’

  Aaron regarded his father suspiciously, the idea that he might be concealing something a fleeting thought in his mind.

  ‘What about the refuge? They must keep records of all the people that stay there. I’ll bet they have a copy of the papers,’ Aunt Ruby ventured.

  ‘Do you know the address of the refuge?’ Aaron asked hopefully.

  Arthur looked absent-mindedly around the room, blatantly pretending not to have heard the question.

  ‘Arthur,’ said Aunt Ruby curtly, administering her brother with yet another disapproving look.

  ‘Yes? Sorry, I was miles away,’ he said.

  ‘Aaron is asking if you have the address of the refuge where Catherine worked?’

  ‘Yes, I do … somewhere.’

  Aunt Ruby grimaced at him reproachfully while Aaron looked on expectantly.

  ‘It’s in a place called Puri,’ Arthur sighed petulantly, glaring at his sister like a sulky teenager forced to do something that he didn’t want to. ‘It's the same city that the letters were sent from; somewhere on the east coast.’

  ‘Well,’ said Aaron, the excitement building in his body, ‘I guess that’s where I should start then.’