High-Risk Fever

by Lea Bronsen

  For a moment, an oppressive silence filled the living room below. She held her breath and braced for an explosion of anger, blasphemies, the dinner table turned over, chairs thrown across the room.

  Nothing happened. Why didn’t Brian at least retort something to deny the accusations?

  The more seconds passed, the more she had a feeling Todd’s discovery bore some truth. She wished she could see Brian and read his eyes, but didn’t dare descend the stairs and risk him catching her eavesdropping.

  Todd’s voice was almost a whisper. “You can talk to me.”

  Brian sighed, and she let out the breath she’d held, too. Her pulse beat audibly in her ears. “All right.”

  “All right?”

  “You got me. It was bound to come out someday. Though I’ve been very careful. I just didn’t think technology would catch up with me. That being said, I’m glad you’re the one who found out about it and not some gay hater.”

  “It?”

  “Yeah, the stuff you saw.”

  A new silence ensued.

  Brian cleared his throat. “Let me explain. I’ve always been attracted to other boys. When I was little, I’d play with them, not ’cause they had all those cool toys, but ’cause they were boys. I wanted to be close to them.”

  “Oh.”

  “Yeah. But I’d appreciate if you—”

  “My lips are sealed. Promise.”

  “Thanks.”

  “But…didn’t people notice it?”

  “No, like I said, I was careful. Besides, I liked girls, too, and I’d fall in love with them more than I did with the boys. Just I thought some of the boys were cute.”

  “Wow. Did you ever think about changing sex? I considered it for a while.”

  Oh. She imagined a feminine version of Todd, with a waterfall of blonde hair, make-up, and a woman’s curves.

  “No, no. It didn’t go that far. But I was curious. I…um…wanted to know how they were doin’ it.”

  “You were attracted by their dicks?”

  Brian’s low chuckle, perhaps of embarrassment, sounded downstairs.

  Anne’s legs turned to Jell-O. She sat on the landing with her back to the wall and shook her head. Many secrets had been unveiled today. Her head buzzed with all these new notions swirling in her mind like bees around honey.

  “You can say it.” Todd’s voice was soft. “It’s not something to be ashamed of.”

  “Well, yeah. When I had a shower with the boys at school, I wanted to look at them.”

  “Touch them?”

  Brian laughed. “Yeah.”

  “You wanted to see if they’d get hard if you did? I was like that.”

  “Hmm. But, of course, I had to keep it to myself. Couldn’t let anyone know.”

  “But did you ever do it?”

  “You mean, touch a guy’s cock? No, never. I’d never dare. Fuck, if someone knew I liked cock, the news would spread like wildfire, and life would never be the same.”

  Todd sighed. “I know.”

  “I saw it happen to a guy who came out of the closet when he was…I don’t know, I guess sixteen. Just like that, one day, he told everyone he liked boys. What a mistake. They were so fucking harsh with him. His family, friends, school teachers—they all turned their backs to him. He was lonely. I swear, if he hadn’t had a strong personality—”

  “What? What would’ve happened?”

  Brian puffed. “You can imagine. When these stories make it to the news, it’s too late.”

  “Yeah.”

  “But he kept his head high. I admired him, but I was too afraid to come close to him, or I don’t know, give him a little support. I hate myself for my behavior. It’s bugged me for years. I could’ve been his friend, but….”

  “Society’s condemnation can be very hard. I didn’t dare tell my parents till recently.”

  “Yeah?” Brian’s voice pitched higher. Finally talking about this to someone who understood had to be a tremendous relief.

  “Uh-huh.”

  “How old are you?”

  “Twenty-nine. I waited all those years. Kept the secret. But when I met Micaela, I had to tell them ’cause I knew it was a serious thing. They’d find out anyway. So I came out of the closet at twenty-seven.” Todd snorted with self-disdain. “Some achievement.”

  “I could never do what you did. Tell anyone.”

  “But you did now.”

  Brian grunted. “Yeah, I told you. But I can’t tell my family.”

  “Maybe one day you will.”

  “Maybe.”

  “So, how does it feel?”

  “I’m relieved, I guess. It’s easy to talk with you.”

  “But you’re the same guy, right? This doesn’t change who you are.” She recalled Todd’s deep-green pupils sparkling with intelligence.

  Thank you for your kindness.

  “That’s true. On the inside, I’m the same person. I have the same values. You may find it hard to believe, but I’m a peaceful guy. I never wanted to become this intolerant, condemning asshole. I never meant to hurt people like you.”

  “I know. I believe you.”

  “I’m sorry.” From the pleading tone in Brian’s voice, she pictured his eyes asking for forgiveness.

  “It’s okay. I’ve seen it happen before. People so desperate to hide the way they’re feeling, they start pretending the opposite, start saying they hate gays. Then they get used to it. Their behavior becomes a way of life.”

  “I guess.”

  “But why did you never tell your wife? She’s very tolerant.”

  “I don’t know what to say. I guess I was afraid she’d think I wasn’t man enough for her. She defended gay rights on a few occasions, but I just gave her the same old speech and shut her up. She’s a warm-blooded woman, you know. I thought she wanted a real man and would leave me if she found out I couldn’t give her that male thing.”

  “Male thing? What do you mean?”

  Brian didn’t reply.

  “How do you define male?” Todd insisted. “Having a cock? I have one.”

  Still no reply.

  “Someone who eats pussy?”

  Brian cleared his throat. “Listen, it’s more complicated than that. What do you think her parents would say if they found out their son-in-law liked cock? Honestly.”

  “I have no idea. But I do know a lot of people are more tolerant than you think.”

  “I dunno. Maybe. But I’m not gonna take the risk. And what about this village? It’s so fucking remote. People here are more conservative than in the city. They’d lynch me.”

  “Maybe.”

  “But it’s like you said. It was easier to lie. I just slipped into it. Said the same things. Made things easier for me, not so fucking complicated. Didn’t have to keep two different speeches. Would never have to explain anything. Homophobia is so common.”

  “You’ll be okay, Brian. I promise. But now I gotta—” Chair legs scraped on the wooden floor, making her jump.

  “I dunno. Feels like I’ve screwed up big time. I have so many excuses to make. Starting with you and your boyfriend.”

  “Nah, it’s okay. You don’t have to.” The chair pushed farther.

  Pulse hammering in her chest, Anne scrambled up on her feet, intending to retreat to her bedroom before Todd reached the stairs.

  “Thanks for listening. I really appreciate it. I’ve never—”

  “I know, Brian. It’s all right. Really, it is. I’m just glad to see you coming out of your shell.”

  “Yeah.”

  Shoe soles approached the bottom of the stairs. “But now I gotta go see how he’s doing. I hate knowing he’s sick.”

  “Okay. Thanks.”

  “No problem.”

  Oops. Quick, now. Without a sound, Anne turned and tiptoed toward her bedroom.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Anne lay a long while in bed, trying to catch some much-needed sleep. Though exhausted, she couldn’t relax enough to doze.
She kept the ceiling light on, having spent so much time plunged in darkness of late, she couldn’t tolerate not seeing her surroundings. She savored the unusual, almost complete silence, the first alone time in a while allowing her a moment of uninterrupted reflection.

  There was always some good in a bad situation, and she had no doubt their relationship would survive. She wasn’t angry enough, and he was too sincerely bothered by the revelations.

  A soft knock sounded.

  She turned her head to the door. Who could it be? Mica, she hoped, picturing his tanned face with sparkling eyes and a small grin curving his lips. Maybe he’d taken a nap and felt better. But it was most likely Brian. She chewed on the inside of her cheek, debating whether she should reply or not, and waited.

  Slowly, the door opened and Brian stepped in, the width of his hazel eyes and the lines in his forehead betraying anguish.

  He closed the door with a sigh and stood with his hands folded in front of him, shoulders hunched, rocking on his heels. Bathed in full light, he looked nothing like the jealousy-ridden madman who, in the dark of the cellar, almost got her to reveal the first encounter with Mica, the hulking brute who with his weapon-like cock buried inside her declared his undying love. Gay, straight, or bisexual, here was her husband, the big handsome man she’d fallen for two years ago.

  She shot him a glare before pretending to study her nails. Behind her back, he’d watched pictures and videos of naked men and women in sexual positions and most likely gotten off on that. Hadn’t she insisted on making their sex more interesting? Did he really need to get his fill elsewhere?

  But her anger and sense of betrayal had lost momentum. All things considered, he wasn’t a worse person than her. His hidden sexual inclination and interest in pornography didn’t mean he wanted to sleep with someone else.

  Both of Brian’s revelations would remain a well-kept secret. She solemnly promised to protect him because, if the news came out and circulated in the village, he would indeed become an outcast, a pariah.

  But he didn’t need to know that she’d overheard his conversation with Todd. Instead, she could use her legitimate anger and his obvious guilt to apply a little pressure. Exactly how wasn’t clear to her yet, but she had a feeling this situation could somehow help get what she wanted from him—to try harder for a baby.

  Without a word, she patted the sheets beside her.

  He sat, almost slumping, as if all the problems in the world weighed on his shoulders, and took her hand. “I hope.” His voice was thick. “I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.”

  She hesitated. “What exactly are you referring to? There’s so much going on lately, I don’t know what to—”

  “Well. First of all, I’m sorry I’ve behaved like a bully. Taking over the house and all, when it was yours, and ordering you to do things, playing the boss, always having the last word. There’s no grounds for that.”

  “No.” She shook her head.

  His fingers tightened around hers. “That’s the way it’s been done around here, and I’ve only followed in your dad’s footsteps, like they all expected me to. But honestly—and I can’t believe it took me so long to see it—things don’t have to be like this between you and me.”

  “Hmm.”

  “It’s just not right.”

  “I’m glad you realize that.”

  “Yeah. See, I love you. I’m your husband, not your boss. So from now on, things will change. I promise. I’ll be the guy you fell in love with and married, not a goddamn copy of your father.”

  Her heart warmed. “Thank you.”

  He shot her a glance. “We okay?”

  “Yes.” She nodded, smiling. If he was sincere, which she had no reason to doubt, their lives as a couple and business partners would change.

  “Then there’s….” He took a deep breath and looked down at their connected hands. “There’s the stuff that just happened, downstairs. The shit they found on my laptop.”

  “The porn?”

  “Yeah. I…um…I’m sorry you had to find out about it like that.”

  She shrugged. “I don’t understand why you’d want to keep it secret? You could have talked to me and—”

  “Oh God.” He gasped, as if stricken by pain. “I didn’t want you to think I’m a pig like all those men who watch dirty videos and cheat on their wives. I’m not like that. I’ve never cheated on you, and by fucking God, I never will.” He glanced at her.

  “I know you’re not a pig, Brian.”

  “Listen.” His voice softened. “To me, you’re the sweetest, nicest person in the world. And I want you to have the same impression of me and love me the same way.”

  “Well, having secrets won’t get you that.”

  “Baby, I was so afraid you’d kick me out of the house if you knew.”

  “Well, you were wrong. In fact, I like the idea of watching these things with you.”

  He widened his eyes and stared, mouth agape. “You’re kidding.”

  “No, it’s true.”

  “Nah, c’mon. They’re my personal fantasies, what I get off on. Not yours.”

  “I’m telling you. Share them with me.”

  “You’d probably think they’re disgusting.”

  She chuckled. “Try me. If I like them, they can add something to our relationship, give us ideas. It would do us a world of good.”

  “You think?”

  “Oh yes, it’s always good to spice things up a bit, keep the sex interesting.”

  “Hmm.”

  “I mean, it’s like food. You’re a chef de cuisine, so you know what I mean. You don’t want to prepare the same meal every day. You want to vary a little bit, try new ingredients, new flavors, new methods, new positions….”

  He chuckled. “New what?”

  She sent him a teasing look and burst into laughter. What a refreshing feeling!

  He grinned, and they held each other’s eyes for a moment.

  “You’ve mentioned this before.” He nodded. “I guess I wasn’t listening.”

  “No, you weren’t, and I don’t know why.”

  “Well, now I am.” His fingers stroked hers, played with her wedding band. “You know what? That changes everything. And it’s pretty cool, actually, ’cause one of the pages I checked out sells sexy underwear online.” He grinned, caressing her hand. “I saw a lot of really nice lingerie.”

  “Hmm.” She smiled. “Maybe you could pick something for me.”

  “Absolutely. Something you would like, too. I want you to be happy, you know.”

  Ah, but that would take more than sexy lingerie. She recalled holding baby Désirée in her hands last night, and how tempting it was to kiss and smell the little bundle. If she had a little someone like that to love.... She lowered her gaze. “You know what would make me happy.”

  “We’ve been through that, sweetie.”

  “Look, Brian. I’ve got everything in life, but, without a baby, I can’t feel like a full person.”

  “We have to try more. And now that we agree on the lingerie….” He grinned again.

  No. She withdrew her hand, got out of bed, and walked to the window.

  The storm had stilled. Timid sun rays peeked from underneath a few remaining clouds. In the garden, a squirrel sat on a tree branch, licking raindrops from the bark.

  She shook her head. “No. We’ve tried for so long, and it’s obvious there’s a problem.”

  “C’mon, Anne. Honestly. It can’t be me. I mean, you’ve seen my—”

  No need to turn to see the large grin on his face. But it was nonsense. From the research she had conducted on the subject, the size of a penis had nothing to do with fertility. And she had always been regular, had no reason to believe something was wrong with her.

  “My body functions normally.” She gazed at the delicately swaying tree branches outside. Nature had survived the storm.

  I’ll win, too.

  She sighed. “But I am willing to have myself check
ed, and I wish you would agree to do the same.”

  “No! I don’t want some lab to test me and have the right to label me as in-fucking-capable, a sick freak.”

  “So we’ll never be certain.” Her throat tightened, but she swallowed the lump. She had to stay calm and keep her head cool.

  After a long silence, he came up behind her and wrapped strong arms around her stomach. His large body embraced and sheltered her. “I’m sorry.”

  “Years will pass, nothing will happen, and you’ll keep saying it’s my fault.”

  “I wish there was another way of finding out.”

  “There is.” He didn’t ask what she meant, so she continued with the next exhale of breath, “I can try with someone else.”

  “What?” He froze then snickered. “You gotta be crazy. You think I’ll let you sleep with another guy?”

  Her heart sank lower than she had thought possible. But, of course, he had to say that. What else did she expect?

  She pivoted in his arms to face him, and filled her gaze and voice with intensity. “Please.”

  He stared, eyes wide, before removing his arms from around her. A chill replaced the warmth of his large body. “No. I’ll never allow that.”

  “Then go to the doctor.”

  “No fucking way.”

  Wincing, she looked down at his chest and fixed her gaze on a shirt button.

  His hands flew up. “I can’t believe I’m hearing this! You’re giving me two options, two fucking evils, and telling me to choose the lesser of them. Jesus! I mean, think of this. Do I prefer to have my wife inseminated by another guy, or an arsenal of tests to determine my fertility?”

  She looked up into his eyes again, but didn’t say a word.

  “Fuck.” He ran a hand over his face. “The things you ask from me, woman.”

  She swallowed. “It could be very nice, you know. Where you would be part of the act, and the three of us made the baby together. I’ve heard of couples who did that.”

  “A threesome?”

  “Oui. He does me and I do you. But with the aim to make a baby. Like a ceremony.”

  “I dunno.” He shook his head. “I swear to fucking God, this is very hard. You’re asking me to…. But I can’t stand seeing you like this. It’s breaking my heart. I want you to be happy, sweetie.”