by Dale Mayer
“Not yet,” she said. “I have a session with him now.”
“Well, maybe work on focusing on that,” he said. “No reason you can’t walk now. You’ve come a long way. You’re not in anywhere near the pain you were in, are you?”
She shook her head, surprised at that. “It’s a funny thing about something that’s negative,” she said. “Because, when you take it away, you tend to forget that it’s not there anymore. Because I can focus on so much else. I had forgotten that the pain was as crazy debilitating bad as it was when I first arrived. But you’re right, it’s much better now.”
“So the next step would be to get you walking as efficiently and as cleanly as you can,” he said with a bright smile. “You may want to try crutches, but maybe you don’t need to because it’s not like you can’t hold your weight. It’s a matter of walking straight and not favoring certain body parts, and Shane is a specialist at that.”
She was surprised at his words, and she pondered them as she headed toward Shane and her session with him. As she wheeled in, she said, “I didn’t know you were a specialist in walking.”
He looked at her and frowned. “Not sure I understand what the comment means.”
She explained what the doctor had said.
He laughed. “Well, I’m a specialist in structural integrity, and that’s definitely one of the things that we’ve been working on. That’s why you’re in much less pain.”
“Ah. Well,” she said, “according to him I should talk to you about focusing on walking better.”
“I was just looking at your test results to see how you’re doing,” he said. “So we’ll go back to having you on the floor and make you do the same exercises that you did day one, then getting down to the floor and back up again. We’ll take a look at how that compares to when you first got here. This will be like your midpoint. Then we’ll start working on getting your walking stronger.”
“I would love to walk into the dining room, pick up my tray, and walk to the table, without it being like this half-crab-hop.”
He nodded. “That will definitely be a priority as we push forward now,” he said. “But first let’s go through what I just suggested,” he said. “Push your wheelchair over there, and go lie down on the floor, and I’ll take a video as you do it.”
She remembered that scenario from the first time. “That was pretty ugly.”
“It was,” he said, “but you’ve come a long way since then. I think it’s important for you to see exactly how far you’ve come.”
Obediently she followed through on what he asked, and by the time he said, “Okay, that’s good,” she relaxed on the mat.
He came over to her area with his camera and plugged it into his laptop. “In a second, I’ll show you the original video. Then I’ll show you the new one.”
“Do you want me to come over there?”
“Sure,” he said.
She made her way up into the wheelchair, sat on the edge, and watched as he brought up the original video. She had tears in her eyes when he stopped playing it.
He looked at her and asked, “Why the tears?”
“Because I’d forgotten,” she said. “The progress has been so slow that I hadn’t seen it. But I had forgotten how bad it was.”
“Well, now that that video is fresh in your memory,” he said, “watch this.” He showed her the video of how she had just laid down on the mat and then gotten back up.
She stared in shock. “Wow,” she said. “I really hadn’t seen any improvement to be that extreme.”
“It is extreme,” he said. “And it’s lovely to see.”
She nodded slowly. “I just hadn’t realized …” She broke off, not knowing what to say.
“And now,” he said, “we’ll take the next step. We’ll work on your walking. Instead of the floor work, I want you to stand up against the wall. Heels back, arms at your side, head back.”
She got up from the wheelchair, walked a little awkwardly to the wall.
“Now tell me where the pain is.”
She immediately put her hand on her lower left side and said, “On the left, a bit higher up, as I’m struggling a little bit too.”
“Okay, relax again. How about the head, the neck, shoulders?” he asked. “You should have all this in alignment.” He stepped her away from the wall to stand in front of the mirror. “I want you to take a deep breath, to imagine that your chest is like a box. Your shoulders and collarbone are the top of the box, and your head is the handle. And, when you take a deep breath, I want that lid to come off, and I want the handle to come up.”
She took a slow, deep breath, mentally visualizing everything he said, and then released it.
“Do that several more times,” he said.
When she was done, she said, “That feels weird.”
“It does, but you have to get the air all through your lungs and start to straighten up that chest.”
“What does the chest have to do with walking on my feet?”
“Well, the feet are a problem all on their own,” he said, laughing. “And we’ll start with the feet, and then we have to make sure the hips are in the right alignment. But you also have to be breathing properly.” And he did something else. “I want you to lie down. I’ll work on your ankles a little bit.”
She lay down, and he quickly worked on some of her joints, and the muscles around the joints, and then he gave her a hand back up. “I want you to take a few steps.”
She took a few steps, feeling her body shifting, almost as if uncoordinated, as it settled into what the new placement of her feet were. And then she turned around and slowly walked back. “It feels a whole lot better already,” she said. “Why didn’t we do this at the beginning?”
“You weren’t quite ready,” he said. “I had today scheduled for a new video to check to see what was next to work on. And obviously what we’ll work on is keeping your posture straight and building up these muscles so that you can walk farther and farther. From here on in, I want you to make sure that you walk every day. It’s okay to take it slow, to walk slowly as you gain strength. You can even use one crutch if you feel you need the extra support. But I want you to remember a couple of these lessons as we work through them today, so that you can practice them when you’re back in your room.”
“So, am I supposed to walk into the dining room tonight this way?”
“It would be good if you did, yes,” he said, studying her face.
She winced. “And what if I fall and wipe out because I can’t stand straight?”
“I think you’ll be surprised,” he said. “If you want, I’ll meet you there, and we’ll see how it is together.”
She smiled. “It’s like you’re becoming my crutch,” she said teasingly.
“Well, I wouldn’t want to be a crutch, because that’s something that you lean on,” he said. “It would be much better if I was the one who’s there, someone you know you can count on.”
She stopped, looked at him in amazement, and said, “Oh, I like that. I really like that.”
The trouble was, when it came time that evening to walk to dinner, she was a little tired, a little worried, struggling with her breathing, as she took several steps forward. By the time she made it to the dining room, she pulled up against the doorjamb and just leaned against it for a few minutes. It wasn’t that she was tired, but she wanted to walk in okay and not get jostled or bounced by other people. Just then she looked over to see Dani coming up beside her.
Dani smiled and said, “It’s good to see you on your feet.”
Her voice was so warm and held such admiration in it that Melissa immediately felt like confessing. “I’m leaning here,” she said, “because I’m afraid I’ll fall down.”
“Are you sure?” Dani asked quietly, her gaze twinkling. “Or is it because you’re afraid you’ll look a fool?”
Melissa wrinkled her nose up at that. “It’s that obvious, huh?”
“You’ve no idea how many people
have stood in this exact same place, whether on crutches, in a wheelchair, or on their own two feet, because they were afraid to either make a fool of themselves or just completely fail at something so simple as getting a meal,” she said. “There is no failure here. Remember that.” And, with that, she walked ahead of her.
Shane’s warm voice behind her made her feel even better. “It’s good to see you standing. Dani was right. There is no failure here,” he said. He held out his arm, as if they were on a date, and said, “Shall we go in for dinner?”
She laughed in delight, slipped her arm through his, and said, “Do I get to use you for support, if I need it?”
“Absolutely, if you need it,” he said, “but you won’t.”
And they moved slowly forward, grateful that the line was moving to the point that, when they got up to where Dennis stood, a huge grin on his face as he saw her on her feet, that she felt like she had the whole world in front of her.
“Don’t you look lovely,” Dennis said, with a beaming smile.
“What? I didn’t look lovely sitting down?”
He laughed and laughed, making her chuckle. “It’s good to see a sense of humor too,” he said. “Remember. Life isn’t about always having a success. Life is always about making every day better than the one before. We often wake up in the morning and think absolutely nothing is good in our world, but it’s all about making it through anyway and making something good about it. So, it is lovely to see you. Now what can I get you for food?”
With the two of them together and their meals sitting in front of them, she grabbed her tray and said to Shane, “Well, here goes nothing.”
“You’ll be fine.”
He led the way to a table in a route that was open and wide, and she slowly followed, working carefully on placing her feet properly and keeping her body upright. It’s not that she wouldn’t fall, but she was afraid she’d immediately revert to that hunchback-crab walk that she’d been doing.
But she made it to the table, even managed to bend down and place the tray carefully before sitting down. As soon as she sat down, she wanted to whoop with joy. She said, “I know it’s silly, and I know it’s crazy, but it feels so good.”
“Of course it does,” he said. He leaned over, picked up his water glass, and said, “Cheers.”
She chuckled and clinked her glass to his and said, “I can’t believe I’ve made it this far.”
“And this is still just part of it,” he said. “We have lots more to go.”
“I know,” she said with the gentlest of smiles. “But I have so much to thank you for already.” She could sense him withdrawing slightly, and she shook her head. “I don’t know what I just said, but you’re stepping back.”
He looked at her and nodded. “It’s one of the things that we always have to watch out for. Gratitude is lovely, and thank you,” he said, “but remember. You’re the one who’s done this, not me.”
“What do you mean, it’s something you have to watch for?”
“It’s about making sure you don’t mistake other feelings for being grateful.”
And then she realized what he was trying to say. “Absolutely not,” she gasped. “Oh my,” she said. “I can see how that would be an issue, but it isn’t for me.”
He studied her carefully.
She smiled and said, “I mean it. What I feel for you is not at all connected to gratitude. Of course I’m grateful. You’ve shown me a whole new way to live. You’ve helped me get from where I was to where I am, and I know I still have a lot more healing to go.”
He said, “And I’m happy to do it because now you can see that the journey is of value. It’s funny how many people need proof.”
“Well, it’s easier with measurable, tangible proof, isn’t it?” she said. “We don’t have to go on blind faith.”
“True enough,” he said, and he started eating.
She leaned forward and said, “And that doesn’t change the fact that this isn’t all about gratitude.”
He looked up, gave her a flashing bright smile, and said, “Good,” and then he returned to eating.
Feeling like she’d probably said enough—but maybe not enough to satisfy him—still not quite sure what else to do, she started in on her meal too. In the back of her mind she worried. It wasn’t just gratitude, was it? Surely not. But she didn’t have enough practice or experience in relationships to really understand, and so much was new in her mind-set. So much was new in the way that she looked at the world, as she’d understood how she’d been searching for a way to belong all this time.
She didn’t want that to be a reason behind a relationship with Shane. The fact that he could see past her broken body was amazing in itself. But what was it that she was seeing when she looked at him? And it was a question that bothered her for a long time.
Days went by, and those thoughts still sat there in the back of her mind. She kept hoping for enlightenment, but, so far, just all these questions built up.
Shane watched her behavior. It wasn’t that she withdrew, but it was obvious that she was thinking hard. And that was a good thing. He didn’t know if it was his words. He suspected so, but then an awful lot of work was being done behind the scenes with Dr. Sullivan, and he could champion that more than anything because it was so important for Melissa to do that work. She was a wonderful person. He was becoming more attached than he cared to, especially if it ended up being something that wouldn’t move forward.
Dani caught him frowning one day and asked, “Problems in paradise?”
He looked up at her and smiled. “How do you know when paradise is right?”
She leaned against the doorframe, her arms across her chest. “You know? I think you go through this uncertainty. This feeling of Is it right? Is it wrong? Is it for real? Do they care? Do they not care? Is it enough? And then,” she said, “you come out the other side, and there’s this feeling of I know it’s right.” She continued, “It comes from deep inside. It’s a feeling of This is the person I want to be with. This is the person I want to spend time with. This is the person I didn’t know I’d been waiting for all this time. This is the person who makes me better,” she said with a gentle smile. “What you’re going through is normal. It’s proper. It’s correct. It’s what you should be going through. And, when you come out on the other side, you will have that sense of having been through the worst, and you’ll know deep inside that it’s right.”
“What if I don’t go through that?”
She laughed out loud. “But you are going through that,” she said. “You’re going through it right now.”
He nodded moodily, as he picked up his laptop and disconnected the charging cable from it and packed it up. “I’m not sure that she sees me the way she would see another male.”
“Back to that gratitude stuff?”
“I think so,” he said. “We talked about it. I’m not sure there’s really an answer for it, but it’s just something that I’ve been a little concerned about.”
“And that’s okay,” she said gently. “I understand that. It can’t be all that easy, if you’re afraid it’s not going anywhere. But, from what I’ve seen, there’s certainly an awful lot there for you to work with.”
“There is,” he said. “Maybe I’m just being impatient.”
“Well, that is one thing,” she said. “You cannot rush this process, and you can’t rush it for her either. She has to come to that same awareness in her own time frame.”
“And waiting sucks,” he said forcefully.
She burst out laughing. “It so does, doesn’t it? Hardly fair at all.”
“Not fair at all,” he said with a shake of his head. “Still, it is what it is, and that’s all fine and good. I promise I’ll give her the time she needs.”
She laughed. “Glad to hear that,” she said in a teasing voice. “I’m also happy to know that you care enough to wait for her.”
“It’s just … I hate the doubts.”
“And t
hat’s only because you’re in the process,” she said, “and it’s lovely to see.”
He stared at her in outrage. “It’s lovely to see me all churned up like this?”
“Well, that’s not quite what I meant,” she said with a girlish giggle. “But you know what? I’m not totally against it.”
He rolled his eyes at her. “That’s just mean.”
“No,” she said with a gentle smile. “That’s love.”
“It sucks,” he said, calling out as she walked away. But her only answer was that lovely peal of laughter. And he grinned, fully aware that everybody in the place was watching his relationship with Melissa, seeing if it would go the way of all the other relationships. He wanted it to, but Dani was once again right. It had to work its way through in its own time frame; otherwise he would feel like he’d cheated Melissa and maybe rushed her.
And that wasn’t what he wanted either. He wanted her to be fully aware, fully happy to be with him as he was to be with her. He’d already asked himself the deep questions about whether he could handle somebody who could have an extreme physical disability all her life, and his only answer had been: Who was better qualified than him? As long as his heart was engaged, he didn’t give a hoot about the rest. She was beautiful inside and out, and her body wasn’t an issue. It was about the soul on the inside.
But somehow he had to convince her of that. And that wouldn’t be easy. It’s not that she was against it; she was just not 100 percent for it yet. And, as much as he wanted to give her time, he was the impatient sort, and he wanted things a little bit more locked down than they were, and somehow he was supposed to wait to make that happen. And that sucked.
Chapter 10
Several days later, it felt like a week later, Stan came up to Melissa with a tiny dog sporting a tiny set of wheels on his back end. “Have you met Chickie?”
“Nope,” she said, reaching up a hand to touch the little Chihuahua. “He’s so tiny.”
“He is, indeed. He’s got a touchy tummy, and he’s been down with me for a couple days, but he’s safe to bring back up.”