When We Fell

by Elena Aitken

  Besides Cam and Evan, their other good friends Christy and Mark, who’d been married practically since high school, had just come through a hard time of their own and were now the proud parents of an adopted baby girl, Mya. Amber, was another of Drew’s best friends and she’d moved back home after Eric died and had been a massive help with Drew and Austin in those early months. No one had any idea that she was battling the aftermath of an addiction that had almost claimed her life. But now she, too, had found love, although no baby. Yet. And as genuinely happy as Ben was for all his friends, he was also starting to feel a bit…

  “Maybe time for you to have a baby, too?” Evan was joking of course, but the idea hit closer to home with Ben than his friend realized.

  “Not for me.” Ben took his friend’s empty beer mug and refilled it before handing it back. “I think I’m good being the crazy uncle who spoils the crap out of Austin.”

  “That’s not a bad gig.” Evan agreed. “But…it’s not really the—”

  “Don’t say it’s not the same,” Ben warned him. “I know it’s not the same thing as having a kid of my own. But that’s not going to happen. At least not any time soon. I’d need to have a girlfriend at the very least. Besides, Austin needs me. So does Drew.”

  Evan gave him a look and Ben knew without asking what his friend was thinking.

  He shook his head. “You’re wrong.”

  Evan smirked. “I didn’t say anything.”

  “You didn’t have to.” Ben filled his own now empty beer mug. “I know you, and I know what you were going to say and you’re wrong.”

  “Okay, tough guy.” Evan put his mug on the bar. “If you know so much, tell me. What was I going to say?”

  There was no point playing games with Evan, so Ben took another swallow of beer and said, “You were going to tell me that I’m getting too close to Drew.”

  “Was I?”

  Ben swallowed hard before saying anything else. Even if Evan wasn’t going to say that, he didn’t have to. Ben knew it was a fact. He’d avoided Drew for years. Ever since he’d played the key role in getting them together in high school. He’d kept his distance because it was the only thing he could do without going totally crazy. That had been easier when Drew and Eric had lived in Nevada for all those years. And definitely before he’d sworn to his brother on his death bed that he’d look out for his family.

  It was much harder to keep his distance now.

  “You were,” Ben said after a moment. “And if you weren’t, I was.” He shook his head and took a deep drink of his beer.

  It was a few moments before he realized his friend was silently watching him. He raised his eyebrows in question.

  “I was just going to say that maybe…” Evan took a breath and continued, “I know it’s been incredibly hard for these last few months. I mean, I know losing Eric hit you harder than you—”

  “I’m fine.”

  “You and I both know that’s not true.”

  Ben considered arguing with him further, but what was the point? Evan was right. Losing Eric the way he had, after so long being estranged, it was…well, it just wasn’t fair. For the first few months after he died, Ben had tortured himself with the what-if game. What if he’d reached out years ago? What if he’d never had feelings for Drew? What if he’d mended their relationship instead of letting their distance grow?

  It had driven him crazy because he couldn’t go back in time and change things. Those years were lost forever and he regretted every minute he’d lost with Eric, but also with Austin when he was a baby. Nothing was worth missing time with the ones you loved. There was no argument too great. No reason important enough to justify that kind of distance.

  It was just too bad it took him so long to realize it. And it had been at the expense of his relationship with Eric.

  Ironically, it had been Eric himself who’d helped Ben through those rough first few months. Or more specifically, his words to him in the weeks leading up to his passing.

  “Don’t sweat it, little brother. What’s done is done,” Eric had said when Ben once again expressed his regret for all the time they’d wasted. “It wasn’t just you. I could have called. I could have brought the family home more. I could have done a lot of things. But I didn’t. And here we are.”

  “But, we could have—”

  “Yeah,” Eric interrupted. “We could have done a lot of things. But what I don’t want to do now is live in a past we can’t change. And I don’t want you to either. Remember that when I’m gone. There’s no going back. Just forward.” He paused to catch his breath. More and more in those later days, it exhausted Eric just to talk. “We do the best we can at the time, and when we know better, we can do better. Now we know better.” He managed a grin. “So I expect you to do better.”

  Ben shook his head and chuckled. “Man, when did you get so damn smart? Because the Eric I remember was a dumb ass.”

  He remembered the smile Eric had given him—his usual cocky grin, shrouded by a deep sadness. “Facing the end does that to a man, Ben. And I mean it. Don’t live in a past you can’t change. Not for me. Promise.”

  Ben chuckled in an effort to brush it off, but Eric would not be deterred. “I mean it, Ben. Promise me.”

  His laughter had died on his lips and he had looked into his brother’s now dulled eyes, and made the promise.

  It was those words, and that promise, that finally sank in months later. It didn’t make it any easier to know Eric was gone, and it didn’t lessen the ache of his absence, but he’d promised, so he was trying. Just like he was trying to keep other promises he’d made.

  “Okay,” Ben confessed to Evan after a moment. “I’m not fine fine. But it’s coming. And I think with Drew, well…”

  “It can’t be easy.”

  “Hell no.” Ben shook his head and scrubbed a hand over his face. “But it is what it is.”

  “You shouldn’t be too hard on yourself, Ben. It’s only natural if you’re getting close to Drew. Everything you guys have been through together and the way—”

  “No.” Ben cut him off because whatever Evan was saying, it was not okay that he was getting close to Drew. The feelings he’d had for her years ago were nothing more than a childhood crush. It wasn’t real. Besides, that had been years ago. A lot had changed and she was his brother’s wife. It wasn’t like that and it couldn’t be like that. Ever. “It’s not like that,” he said aloud. “But maybe you’re right,” he said. Evan looked confused, but Ben kept talking. “Maybe I should start getting out more. I mean, Drew is doing better and Austin is busy with school and the Trouts now.” He grinned a little, remembering his nephew holding his father’s old, much too large for him bat only a few hours ago. “Maybe it is time that I start entertaining other things.”

  Evan shook his head. “I’m not sure what that means.”

  Ben drained the rest of his beer and smiled triumphantly at his friend. “Maybe I should finally start dating.”

  And stop living in the past I can’t have or change.

  Chapter Three

  Drew walked around the ring one more time. Her feet slogged through the mud and she was once again glad she’d thought to wear her rain boots out to the ranch. Amber had warned her that things were still a little muddy out at Taking the Reins, and with the rain the night before, a little muddy was an understatement.

  Not that she minded. Not really. She just liked being with the horses.

  “And you don’t seem to mind a little mud,” she said to the horse. “Do you, Peanut?”

  The horse made a snuffing noise in response and she chuckled before stopping so she could stroke the horse’s flank and talk a little more. When she’d first started coming to Taking the Reins, Logan Myers, the owner and equine therapist, told her that the horses would be able to sense what was going on with her emotionally, even if she couldn’t, and the best way to work through it was simply to talk to the horses.

  So that’s what she did.

 
; It felt a little strange at first, but it didn’t take long for Drew to open up to Peanut. She was a good listener and had never once tried to interrupt her to tell her that she’d get over it or that the pain of her loss would fade and pretty soon she wouldn’t even be able to remember how sad she’d once been.

  It’s not that the people who actually did tell her those things didn’t mean well. They did. She knew that. But it didn’t change the fact that talking to the horses was just so much better.

  “You’re a good girl.” She stroked Peanut’s mane. “Thank you for listening.” Although Drew would have liked to spend more time with Peanut, she’d already been there for almost an hour and Peanut was a busy horse. Logan’s horse therapy program, although still pretty new, was growing in popularity and the horses were in high demand.

  Drew was also very aware that she was only there because she was Amber’s best friend. Logan refused to take money from her in exchange for her sessions with Peanut, claiming a best friend rate. Not that she didn’t appreciate it, she did, but she was going to keep insisting that she should pay. Logan was a great guy, and she couldn’t be happier for Amber that she’d met someone so incredible with such a huge heart. But that huge heart wasn’t going to make them any money, and she’d never forgive herself if Taking the Reins wasn’t the roaring success it should be.

  Amber and Logan had invested so much time and money into building up the stables and a small treatment center where they could host out-of-town patients. Drew knew that their success wasn’t going to hinge on her payments, or lack thereof, but still…she wanted to contribute.

  She led Peanut back toward the stables, where Amber was waiting for her. “How did it go today?”

  “Fantastic as usual.” She gave Peanut one more pat on the flank before handing Amber the reins. “She’s just such a good listener.”

  “Careful.” Amber laughed. “Or your best friend will get jealous.”

  “You know that no one, or no horse,” Drew added with a smile, “will ever replace you, Amber. Thank you again for this. I had no idea that talking to an animal could be so therapeutic. I really think she’s helping me heal so much faster.”

  “I know exactly what you mean.” Amber led Peanut into her stall. She gave her an apple and together the friends walked out into the spring sunshine. “You are doing amazing with everything,” Amber said. “How are you feeling?”

  “I still miss him.” Drew kicked at a clump of dirt with her boot. “But…not as much as I did. Does that make sense?”

  Amber nodded. “It does.” She put her hand on Drew’s shoulder. “And how’s Sylvia? I ran into Eric’s dad at the store the other day and suggested that maybe they both come and make a visit to the horses.”

  “Oh, I don’t think so.” Drew shook her head. “Mitch is actually doing really well, I think. He misses him of course, but he’s pretty pragmatic, you know? It’s like, he just kind of accepted it.”

  “Some people are really good at handling this type of thing.” Amber nodded thoughtfully. “And Sylvia?”

  Drew bit her bottom lip and shook her head a little. “It’s harder for her. I think she’s getting there, but I don’t think equine therapy is a thing for her. She did join a grief group, though.” Drew didn’t add how her mother-in-law had been trying to get her to go to a meeting. It’s not that she didn’t think it would be helpful, but she truly didn’t think she needed it. Besides, the horses were a thing for her. “She’s been going for a bit and I think it’s really helping. I know everyone copes in different ways,” Drew continued. “But sometimes it’s just…well, I’m just glad to see Sylvia doing better.”

  “I’m so glad to hear it, too.” Amber put her hand on Drew’s shoulder and added, “And it’s okay, you know?”

  As usual, her best friend could see right through her and she’d heard loud and clear what Drew hadn’t even said. Drew nodded but didn’t look up.

  “It’s okay that you feel good, Drew. You don’t have to miss him with the same intensity that you did right after he died. That’s not only okay, it’s normal. You’re supposed to feel okay.”

  Drew nodded and finally looked up at Amber’s kind smile. “I know,” she said, and meant it. “Eric wouldn’t want me all sad anyway. He actually told me so. It just still feels…well, it’s just hard to put it into words.” She fell silent for a moment, but she wasn’t lost in grief the way she once would have been. It was getting easier and easier for her to think of her husband and feel happy for the time they did have instead of sad for what they’d lost.

  “Well, I think you’re doing amazing.” Amber put her arm around her and together they walked through the yard. “And Austin…I hear he’s going to the World Series of T-Ball with the Timber Creek Trout.”

  Drew laughed. “I don’t know about that. But he is loving it and it’s so awesome to see him out there with the other kids. Evan and Ben are the best coaches too. You’ll have to come to a game.”

  “Of course. You tell me where and when, and Logan and I will be there to cheer on the Trout.”

  Drew laughed again at the silly team name, and she was still laughing and smiling thirty minutes later as she pulled into her driveway.

  With Austin at school, the house used to feel empty and quiet. Almost sad. She’d tried to avoid it, but this time as she walked into the living room and took in the stark white walls, the empty side tables, the mantel over the fireplace that was still left bare, she realized for the first time that the house didn’t feel sad because it was empty of life—both Austin’s while he was gone for the day and Eric’s because he was…just gone.

  The house felt sad because even after living in it for a year since they’d moved back to Timber Creek, she still hadn’t decorated. In fact, all of the things that made their house special and theirs were still in those stacks of boxes in the garage.

  When they’d moved, everything had been in such a rush. When Eric was first diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, he’d thrown himself into every treatment the doctors offered him. Eric was unwaveringly optimistic, so much so that at first they didn’t even tell family and friends back home what was going on. In fact, they waited until the diagnosis became terminal before they said anything, something Drew still felt badly about. But then again, they had been just so sure that he’d be okay.

  And when he wasn’t…well, when that piece of information had finally sunk into their realities, they packed up and moved back to Timber Creek so Eric could spend those final days among family and friends. And that’s what had been important. Not the house or unpacking. In fact, Drew hadn’t even given much thought to where she’d live after…well, after.

  She’d contemplated moving back to Nevada, but it had been a brief thought and now, there was no way she could leave Timber Creek and the people there. No. She’d be staying. Which meant she needed to do something about her house.

  Drew put her hands on her hips and surveyed the space again before walking room by room through the rest of the little house. The only room that had any kind of personality in it was Austin’s, and that was only because like most little boys, everything he owned was spread across the carpeted floor. As for the rest…it was long past time she did something about it.

  Without bothering to change clothes, Drew turned and went right back outside to start bringing in boxes and finally, truly unpack.

  “Everything looks great, Ben. Are we ready to open up?” Annie, Ben’s new manager at the Log and Jam, stood at the edge of the patio they’d just finished setting up and grinned. “It’s going to be a beautiful evening and I bet we can fill the tables out here.”

  Ben surveyed the space. They’d just finished putting out the umbrellas as the tables and chairs he’d ordered had just arrived. They really were almost ready to go. Even the patio heaters had been set up and tested so when the sun went down and it got a little cool, his guests wouldn’t have to move inside. The brick fireplace at the far end of the patio would also provide much-needed heat on those colde
r nights, too, and it looked amazing. But something was still missing.

  “I still need to get some plants,” he told Annie. The planters he’d brought back from the city a few days earlier still sat empty and Ben knew that once they were filled with plants and flowers, it would really bring the space alive. “But yes, we should open soon. In fact, let’s aim for Friday night. That’s two days away. Long enough to sort out the details and then we can have kind of a grand opening.” As he spoke, the idea started to fully formulate in his head. “Yes,” he said, more to himself. “We’ll have a few drink specials and maybe we can see about Timber Heart playing a few songs.”

  Across from him, Annie shook her head and laughed. “You want to see if the most popular band in town is free with less than forty-eight hours’ notice?”

  He realized the request sounded insane, and it might have been, too, if he wasn’t friends with the lead singer of the band and if he also didn’t happen to know that Christy was in town, and the band wasn’t already booked for a gig—a fact he only knew because he’d run into her husband, Mark, at Daisy’s Diner earlier that day. “Don’t worry about the band,” he told Annie. “I’ll reach out to Christy. Can I leave you in charge of coming up with a few patio-style specials that we can offer?”

  “No problem, boss.” Annie gave him a mock salute. “I’ll work on it now before the lunch rush starts.”

  “Perfect.” Having good staff in place over the last few years had given Ben more freedom with the pub then he’d ever had. There was a time, not too long ago, when he would have had to spend every last minute at the Log and Jam, overseeing everything. It had been an exhausting time as he’d worked to turn what had once been Bud’s, an old run-down bar, into his pride and joy. Setting everything up and getting established had been hard. But it had all been worth it, and more and more he was discovering that everything ran fine without him. Especially with Annie around. “I’ll head out and get some plants and things right now.”