by Elena Aitken
The moment she asked the question, Drew’s face lit up. “I have an idea.” She leaned forward in her seat. “Tell me what you think.”
“Okay.”
“You know how I love to cook?”
Amber was positive it was a rhetorical question because not only did everyone know Drew loved to cook, but they also knew how amazing her food was. Still, she nodded.
“In Nevada, before we…well, before Eric got sick and we still went out and did things socially, there was this new thing that was growing in popularity.” Amber listened, intrigued. “It was called a cook night,” Drew continued. “But I could probably come up with a catchier name. But basically, it was where a chef would come into your home and teach you and your guests how to cook. It was totally hands-on, and each night had a theme.”
“Like a cooking class?”
“But better.” Drew sat back and nodded. “Way better. Cooking classes are all very formal, in a professional kitchen and really regimented. But this was very casual and relaxed. There was always a few bottles of wine involved and everyone got in on the cooking, together. So the chef would do the instructing and a lot of the preparing, but also get the guests to chop and mix and plate everything. It was really fun and everyone felt like they learned something.”
Amber let the idea roll around her head. “That sounds interesting, for sure.”
“Really?”
“For sure. I’d totally do it,” Amber said. “How much does something like that cost?”
“I think I could charge about one hundred dollars a person and after food costs, make about eighty.”
Amber nodded. “That’s not bad.”
“It’s not. But it’s not great either. I think I could probably do some catering on the side as well. But the best part is, I have a little wiggle room financially.”
“It’s true.” Amber watched her friend explain everything, and she couldn’t help but feel as though it were exactly the right idea for Drew. “It’s a fantastic idea,” she told her. “I think you’ll be amazing at it. You’ve been thinking a lot about it.”
It wasn’t a question, but Drew answered anyway. “I have.” She took a sip of her tea. “I’ve been thinking a lot about a lot of things.”
All of a sudden, the light-heartedness was gone, and the worry and hurt Amber had seen in Drew’s eyes earlier was back. “What’s going on?” she asked. “What happened earlier? While Austin was on the horse?”
Drew shrugged. “I don’t really know.”
“Liar.”
Drew shook her head. “I don’t know whether I should love that or hate that about you.”
“What?”
“The in-your-face approach to everything. And the fact that you know me so well,” Drew answered. “I mean, sometimes I think it might be kind of nice to just fly under the radar a little bit, but you would never let that happen.”
“You’re right,” Amber agreed. “Because what kind of friend would I be if I didn’t notice all the—”
“I’m scared.”
Drew hadn’t intended on talking to Amber about this, at least not today. But once her friend started pressing the issue, the words flowed out of her like water from a broken pipe.
“What?” Amber shook her head. “What are you scared of? Because something tells me this isn’t just about the new business idea. What’s going on?”
Drew shook her head slightly. “Nothing, just…well…okay, here’s the thing. Scared might be the wrong word.” Drew put her hands down on the table and looked straight into Amber’s eyes. “When I was watching Austin on the horse, I was struck by the fact that Eric would never see his son on horseback and then it kind of snowballed into a lot of other things that Eric would never see.” She swallowed. “That happens sometimes. I just get hit with it, like it’s fresh again. And I think it’s worse right now because when I was going through his things the other day, I found this list that he’d made.”
“What kind of list?”
Drew told her friend all about the list of things that Ben had decided to take on and dub the Bro List. She finished her explanation with a rundown of the sidewalk vandalism they’d done a few days earlier.
“That sounds great,” Amber said when she was finished explaining. “But why would that make you sad or even scared? It doesn’t sound like the list is particularly dangerous. I mean, camping in the middle of the mountains can always be—”
“It’s not the list. It’s Ben.”
The moment she said it out loud, Drew wanted to take it back. It didn’t make any sense and she had no business saying anything, especially when she wasn’t even sure of all the feelings that had been swirling around her head over the last few weeks. “Never mind,” she added quickly. “I shouldn’t have said anything at all. I don’t know what I was—”
“Why are you scared of Ben?” Amber watched her with narrowed eyes that made Drew nervous, because her friend was smart, and she knew her well. “What’s going on, Drew?”
She squeezed her eyes shut, unsure of how much more she should say. But she was already in too deep. There was no way Amber was going to let her off the hook that easily.
“I’m scared of the way I’m feeling.”
“About Ben?”
She nodded. “I can’t really explain it, but…”
“Well, you guys have been friends forever and he has really been awesome with you and Austin and you guys have been spending a ton of time together, so I’m sure you care about him—”
“It’s more than that.” She swallowed against the lump that had formed in her throat. “The other night when he was talking to that girl at the Log and Jam, I was…” She glanced down at the table, tracing the wood grain with her eyes before looking up again. “I think I was jealous. How does that make any sense?” She jumped up from the couch. “You know what? It doesn’t make any sense and I’m just being ridiculous. Besides, it’s not like I have any feelings for him myself. Not like that.”
The lie tasted unexpectedly bitter on her tongue.
From the couch, Amber twisted around and watched her carefully. “Drew? What is—”
“Before Eric died, we talked a lot about after,” she interrupted her friend.
“After?”
“Right.” Drew nodded. “When you know you’re going to lose your husband, and he knows he’s leaving you behind, it really forces the issue of talking about after.”
“Ahh, I see. So you guys talked about what that would look like? For you? And I don’t think we’re just talking about finances, am I right?”
Drew nodded again.
“And?”
“And he told me he wanted me to open my heart and move on.” Amber didn’t look surprised at her words. “He told me he didn’t want me to be alone and to sit around crying over him and letting time go by when I could be finding new happiness. He told me he wanted me to fall in love again and get married, maybe have more kids, the whole thing.”
“That makes so much sense.” Amber nodded knowingly, but Drew had to look away from the worry in her friend’s eyes.
“But it’s strange, don’t you think?”
“What’s strange?”
Drew turned around again. “To have that kind of conversation with your husband?”
“Not at all. Not in the situation you were in.” Amber stood and crossed the small room to her. “You’re young and have so much life left. Eric wouldn’t want you to spend your life alone. I know that. But why is this coming up now? And what does it have to do with Ben?”
What does it have to do with Ben?
That question slammed into her. But she didn’t bother to answer it, not even to herself. Ben had always been special to her. Like a best friend, but…
She didn’t have time to dwell on that particular point because Amber’s next question froze her to the spot. “You’re not thinking of moving on already, are you?”
Already.
Is that what it was? Already?
The g
round spun around her. The pictures on the wall looked as if they dipped and dropped and for a minute, she thought she was going to fall over.
It had been almost a year since Eric had died, and longer still since he’d gotten sick. They’d had so many conversations about after that she’d had to make him stop. They’d talked for hours about her moving on. Or more like, Eric had. For the longest time, it had been easier for Drew to ignore it. Like an ostrich in the sand. If she didn’t think about it, it wasn’t happening, right?
But it had happened.
And maybe it was too soon. They hadn’t really talked about when Drew would move on. Only that she should. Of course Eric told her to do it right away, but that was way easier done than said. But, maybe…was there really a timeline for grief that she wasn’t following? That she didn’t know about?
“That’s not what I meant,” Amber said quickly. “You know I didn’t mean it like, already already. You know that, Drew. Right?”
Drew nodded, but she couldn’t find any words. Her brain spun with the idea that if her best friend thought it was too soon, then maybe it was, and what would everyone else think, and Eric—what would he think and…
“There’s no time limit.” Amber was talking, but Drew wasn’t listening. “I truly believe that, Drew. I really do.”
It was hot. She was sweating and she needed a glass of water. Or fresh air. Or both.
She had to get out of there.
“Hey,” she said. “I totally forgot that I had some running around to do. Would you mind bringing Austin home when they’re done riding? I don’t want to cut it short, but I just remembered that I have some things I need to—”
“Of course I’ll bring him home for you.” Amber put a hand on her arm in an effort to stop her from fleeing. “But it’s okay, you don’t have to go. I didn’t mean to—”
“Oh, I know.” Drew forced a smile. “But I really do need to get going.”
“Drew, I—”
“Thanks, Amber.” She turned and reached for the door handle before her best friend could say anything else. She’d heard enough for one afternoon.
She’d lied to her best friend.
Drew didn’t have any errands to run. At least nothing that couldn’t wait. The truth was she couldn’t sit there for one more moment and see that look on Amber’s face. That look that told her she was a monster and a terrible person for even entertaining the idea that she might want to move on from her dead husband.
But was that even what she was doing?
Yes. The thoughts she’d had…
But no. She hadn’t done anything. She…
She groaned and clutched at her head.
She didn’t know. She just knew that things were changing. The constant ache of missing him wasn’t there anymore, at least not all the time. She laughed more. She smiled more. She…had started living again.
And that made her feel both fantastic and terrible all at the same time.
The moment she was inside her house, Drew locked the door behind her, and went straight to her bedroom, where she changed into her favorite pajamas and despite the fact that it wasn’t even dinner time, crawled into bed.
She didn’t cry, because at least for the day, there were no tears left. But she hugged the spare pillow—the one that sat unused on Eric’s side of the bed—and curled up tight in a ball.
She’d known she was taking a risk by talking about how she was feeling when she wasn’t even sure herself. But she had to get the feelings out because they were driving her crazy and the person she’d normally talk to about everything was…well…no longer available for a conversation.
“Dammit, Eric.” Her words were muffled into the pillow. “Why didn’t you tell me exactly what I should do before you left?”
To her surprise, Drew actually laughed at herself the moment she said the words aloud, because Eric had told her what to do. She just hadn’t wanted to hear it. Not then, and maybe not even now.
Still chuckling a little, Drew sat up and reached for the glass of water she always left on her nightstand. She drank deeply and remembered for the first time in months exactly how that conversation had gone.
It was before Eric had gotten really bad, but after they’d moved to Timber Creek already. They’d just come home from a night out at the Log and Jam. Nothing major, just a few drinks with some friends. After they’d sent his parents home, relieved from babysitting duty, they’d sat on the couch and shared another bottle of wine. She remembered it being the most either of them had had to drink in a long time. They weren’t drunk by any means, but their tongues were definitely looser as they dove into some of the tougher subjects that Drew usually liked to ignore.
“I want you to remarry, Drew. You shouldn’t be alone.”
“I’ll be fine.” She took a sip, letting the wine coat her tongue before swallowing. On nights like this one, where besides his extra-thin frame and the sickly pallor that always seemed to cling to him, he looked fine. It was so hard to think that in only a few weeks or months, he’d be gone. That is, until they started discussing it. Then it was all too easy to believe.
“Oh, I know you’ll be fine.” Eric chuckled. “You’re a strong woman. I just don’t want to think of you being alone. It would be such a…”
“A what?” She tried to smile and keep the tone light. But how did you keep the tone of such a conversation light? “I would be just fine on my own.”
He ignored her and answered her first question. “It would be a waste, Drew,” Eric said seriously. “You have so much to offer and so much life to live.” He slipped his hand on her thigh and squeezed a little. “I don’t want your life to end when mine does, okay?”
She shook her head and opened her mouth to insist it wouldn’t. But she couldn’t bring herself to say the words because she couldn’t be sure it wasn’t a lie.
“I mean it, Drew. I mean, I know you’re going to be sad and—”
“I feel like that’s an understatement.” She shook her head wryly.
“Okay. Yes. There will be lots of feelings, but I want you to know that no matter what you feel, it’s okay. I would never be upset with you for feeling anything, okay? Even if…no, especially if that feeling is for someone else.”
“Eric, I—”
“I know you don’t want to talk about it, babe. But it’s important to me. It’ll give me peace to know that you understand this.”
“I do.”
He tilted his head and laughed. “Do you?”
She’d nodded, although she didn’t. Not really. How could she even think about having feelings for anyone else when the man she vowed to love forever sat in front of her? It was insane. “I’m not worried about it.” She set her wine down and scooted closer to him on the couch.
“I am.”
“Clearly.” She took his glass from his hand and crawled up until she was nose-to-nose with him. “But you shouldn’t be.” She kissed him then. Soft, sweet, and with a purpose that was clear.
He slipped his arms around her and splayed his hands across her back to hold her to him. “One more thing.” His breath came in warm puffs on her mouth. “There will be a day when you remember this conversation vividly. And I hope on that day you can also remember when I tell you that I will always know how much you loved me and will always love me. That will never change, no matter how you feel about someone else. Anyone else. There is love enough in your heart for everyone. Do you understand?”
She nodded, although she wasn’t sure she did.
“There’s no timeline for this, Drew,” he continued, although all Drew wanted him to do was stop talking. “The only thing I’d be upset about is if you tortured yourself by being alone and unhappy. I don’t want you to be one of those old ladies, alone and bitter because her only son never comes to visit, with only her six cats for company.”
She smacked him playfully. “Eric. Seriously. Austin will always visit me.” Drew smiled and hoped that was the end of the seriousness.
�
��I never want you to be unhappy, babe,” Eric said, the seriousness returned to his tone. “You deserve everything. Love and happiness and a life well lived.”
She nodded again.
“Promise me you’ll fall in love again.”
She stared at him, her heart breaking in a million pieces.
“Promise me, Drew.”
“I promise.” She’d finally uttered the words despite the fact that she didn’t believe them to be true. Not really.
“I’m going to hold you to that,” he teased and she smacked him again.
“Good luck with that, Mister.”
He laughed. “Don’t you worry,” he said. “I’ll find a way. One day you’ll be feeling something and—”
She cut him off with a kiss. “Right now all I’m feeling is how much I want my husband to take me to bed and make love to me.” On some level his words sank in, but Drew was done talking. She wrapped her fingers in his hair and tugged him closer. She kissed him again while he somehow managed to scoop her up from the couch and carry her into their bedroom, where that’s exactly what they did.
It felt like a million years ago that they’d held each other in the very bed where Drew now sat alone. She didn’t even realize she was crying until a tear landed on her hand. But they weren’t sad tears; instead, they were tears of realization. Eric had been right. He’d known her well. Too well.
“Well,” she said aloud. “You were right, Eric. But I bet you never thought I’d have those feelings for your brother.”`
Chapter Ten
“Good job, Austin,” Ben yelled from the base line. “Keep your arm steady and…yes!” He pumped his arm in the air as Austin nailed the ball off the tee and it flew through the air toward the shortstop. It took Ben a moment to realize that Austin was still standing at home plate, watching the ball he’d just hit. “Run!” he yelled at the boy. “Run to first!”
Ben couldn’t help but laugh as Austin finally did as he was told. Fortunately, he had lots of time to get to the base. Ben jogged over and gave him a high five. “Good work, buddy. You nailed it.”