by Wild, Nikki
She’d never even met him and he was imprinted on her. He was a part of her.
Letting things get this far was a mistake. A huge mistake that I’d spend who knows how long recovering from.
His comment about not trying to be Maddy’s father only solidified things in my mind.
It was a reminder of what this really was.
I’d lost my mind, a moment of temporary insanity - delicious temporary insanity, yes, but insanity just the same. I could only hope I’d regained consciousness before it was too late.
Before any irreparable harm was done.
I guess only time will tell. Right now, it felt like someone had ripped my heart out of my chest, shredded it, and stuffed it back in.
Raw. That’s the word. Everything felt raw and fresh and his words still stung as if he’d poured alcohol over my shredded heart.
I let him get way too deep. I should have run away from him long before now. All I needed to do was pack up my things and say to hell with this job and to hell with this city.
Instead, I’d run right into him and it’d burned me. I knew what would happen. And yet somehow, I was still attracted to his heat, knowing it would scar me forever.
I’d left his penthouse and drove down to Maddy’s school with salty tears streaming down my face. I’d pulled over a block away and gotten myself together as best as I could. When I pulled up at her school, she came bounding out of the front doors and my heart swelled with love and despair all at the same time.
I’d met a fork in the road so many years ago. I’d been so sure I’d made the right choice, but I was so young then… So naive and scared and ready to run away from all of my problems… Seeing Jesse again had me questioning every decision I’d ever made. I felt so lost and confused, and the only way I could think of to fix it was to leave him alone. There were no other choices. I struggled with my emotions all evening long, doing my best to keep it together through dinner amongst all those damned flowers.
Now I am lying in my dark bedroom, and I’d only come up with one real, honest thought throughout the day.
I loved Jesse.
That part, at least, was the truth.
Everything else was a jumbled mess of complications and betrayal and lies and confusion and apprehension and pain that I couldn’t sort through. I drifted off to sleep finally, but it wasn’t sound, it wasn’t sweet. It was a topsy-turvy roller-coaster of sad dreams that were so terrifying I forgot them as soon as I opened my eyes.
But this time… Something was wrong.
My ears registered the sounds coming from the other room my body sprang into motion, diving through the darkness to get to Maddy as fast as possible.
JESSE
Nerves. What the hell? I was never nervous. I hadn’t been nervous during the play-offs, I hadn’t been nervous during the three Superbowls I’d won, hell, I hadn’t even been nervous when I was a kid in high school.
But Maisey had me filled with anxiety. I paced the room waiting for her to show up the next day. She’d ignored my calls all night. She hadn’t replied to any of my texts. I didn’t have a chance to properly apologize to her, unless you count some rambling stream of consciousness voice mail I’d left her.
And that probably made me look like an even bigger idiot.
Drama.
This is why I didn’t do relationships, I reminded myself for the hundredth time. No matter what, relationships between two people were full of pitfalls. Everything could be going along just great - just like it was going with us - and then bam! Like a bomb going off, suddenly everything was derailed and you were left floundering like a fool with your balls hanging in the wind.
That was me. Or, at least that’s what I felt like. A floundering fool, only it wasn’t my balls that were exposed, it was my stupid heart that had suddenly decided to start feeling things for people after a lifelong hiatus.
Fuck you, I silently cursed my heart as it continued to beat in my chest like an innocent toddler caught with its hand in the cookie jar. I was simultaneously anxious for Maisey’s arrival and completely pissed that I had feelings for her.
It made no sense.
But nothing had made sense since she’d shown back up in my life.
I almost jumped out of my skin when the doorbell rang. Breathless, with anxiety gripping my heart, I slowly opened the door with a smile. I’d rehearsed everything I’d say when she showed up - fuck, I’d even written it down and practiced it in the mirror. I was ready. I was nervous as a racehorse waiting to hit the tracks, but I was ready.
What I wasn’t ready for was the face staring back at me when I opened the door.
It wasn’t Maisey. No, whatever it was was the complete opposite of my lovely Maisey.
“Hello, can I help you?” I asked. The woman standing in front of me was the burliest woman I’d ever seen in my life. Her salt and pepper hair was cut close to her huge square head that rested on a pair of shoulders that could have given a linebacker a run for his money.
“I’m Helga. From Steadman Hawkins,” she replied, her accent thick, her words coming out in a clipped, robotic tone.
“Where’s Maisey?” I asked. The woman brushed past me, walking into my penthouse with authority. I stared bewildered at her back as she began pulling things out of a bag she’d brought in. I looked down at the pile she was making on my table and my heart sped up. She lined up black leather straps and pointy silver rounded tools that looked like old fashioned torture instruments.
“Ms. Jayne is unable to treat you today due to a personal issue. I’m here for your therapy.”
“Oh,” my heart fell in disappointment. “I see. Well, listen, that’s okay, I can just do things on my own today, you don’t need to be here.”
“Nonsense. Ms. Jayne may be out longer than just today,” she insisted. “We must continue your therapy, Mr. Collins.”
“Jesse,” I muttered, my eyes trailing down to her growing collection of medieval torture devices.
“You can call me Helga, Jesse,” she growled. “Now lay down. I’ve been using the same methods for over forty years and I can assure you, I get results.”
I groaned and lay down on the mat she’d laid out, keeping one eye on her and one on the door. Grady had better be close by, because I was sure I was going to be calling him for help pretty fucking soon. As she clamped some kind of heavy boot around one of my feet I was having flashbacks of a Stephen King novel.
A personal issue? What kind of goddamned excuse was that? Was she really willing to go to these kinds of lengths to avoid me?
What did I expect, really? I had no right to expect her to do anything else, not after the way I’d talked to her.
Fuck…
I looked up at Helga, and realized how fitting this all was. I sowed the seeds and now I was reaping the sour results.
“Give me your leg,” she said, her thick accent almost incomprehensible. I sighed, lifted my leg, and submitted to my punishment.
* * *
Helga left two hours later, but not after she practically killed me. I could barely move, my entire body was screaming with pain and exhaustion. My range of motion had never been better, but I was pretty sure she tore three ligaments making that happen.
The thought of spending the next few months like this was almost unbearable.
The second she was out the door I hobbled over to my cellphone and called Maria, the private investigator.
“I need you to do a little more work for me,” I said.
“Anything at all. How can I help?” she asked.
“I just need you to do a little checking on my friend again. The one you were looking into previously? Maisey? I’d like you to just tell me what’s she’s up to. Whatever you do, don’t let her know you’re watching her.”
“No problem. Am I looking for anything in particular?”
“No. I just want to make sure she’s okay, mainly. I’m worried about her.”
“Okay, you got it. I’ll get on it right now and get b
ack to you in a few hours.”
“Thanks, Maria,” I said, hanging up.
I didn’t feel bad for having her check on Maisey. It wasn’t spying. It was concern, that’s all. There was something more going on, I could feel it in my bones. I didn’t know what. But there was some other reason Maisey didn’t want me in her life, some other explanation for why she was so determined to keep me out of it.
I’d spent ten years wondering why she left me the first time, I wasn’t about to waste another ten wondering the same thing.
* * *
I was just finishing up dinner when Maria called me. I answered on the first ring. I’d been on the edge of my seat waiting all day.
“What did you find out?” I asked.
“Well, I went to her house first, but she wasn’t there. I hung around a while, and then I saw a man go in for a few minutes and come back out with a pink backpack and a teddy bear. I followed him hoping he’d lead me to her, and he did.”
“Good, where was she?” I asked.
“At the hospital. I followed him in and he went to the pediatric wing. Looks like Ms. Jayne’s daughter was admitted last night. I did a little asking around and talked with a friend of mine who works down at County General to get some more information. She tells me the kid’s going to be ok, but she’ll be in the hospital for a few more days.”
“Oh, wow. Okay, thanks, Maria. Do you know what’s wrong with her?”
“Asthma or something? Kids hooked up to a ventilator. Look, I’m already dangerously close to breaking about twelve different laws related to patient confidentiality, so I’m not going to say any more.”
“Right, okay. Well, thanks a lot, Maria. I’ll get back in touch if I need you again.”
“Anytime, Jesse.”
“Oh! Maria? What’s the kid’s name? I’m going to send some flowers and balloons over to her room.”
“Jessica Madeline Jayne.”
“Jessica?” I asked. Something began tugging at my brain that I couldn’t quite put a finger on, but I pushed it away as I thought about Maisey. She must be terrified.
“Yeah, they call her Maddy, I guess.”
“Maddy, right,” I said. “Thanks again.”
I hung up the phone and called the florist hoping like hell they’d restocked the store.
MAISEY
“It’s going to be okay, baby, we’re going to figure this out. I promise,” I held Maddy’s hand as the doctor walked out of the room. I was so upset, so worried, so fucking angry that I wanted to lash out at someone, anyone. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t let Maddy see how worried I was.
Last night had been a nightmare. One of the worst attacks we’d had so far, and I’d been scared to death as I raced her to the hospital.
She was all I had. She was everything. I couldn’t live without her, and watching her suffer was torture. I felt helpless and that made me furious more than anything else.
I was her mother. I was supposed to protect her. And I couldn’t.
It was like an invisible monster was constantly waiting for us just out of sight, just waiting to attack and knock us off our feet. I wanted to fight it. I wanted to pick up a baseball bat and kick its ass…
But I couldn’t.
There wasn’t a worse feeling in the world than not being able to protect your child.
I’d like to find a way to accept it, but I couldn’t even do that. So, I kept fighting. I kept questioning the doctors and doing my own research.
Everything just pointed to asthma and there was no real cure for that. All we could do was manage the symptoms. We’ve already tried every experimental treatment I could beg borrow or pay my way into, and still…just when we thought something might have worked, she would have another attack.
It was relentless.
And we were both exhausted.
“Can I go home soon?” Maddy asked, her huge blue eyes looking up at me, so full of trust. “I miss Snowflake.”
“Yes, baby. We’re going home in just a little while.” I was glad she’d gotten a little bit of sleep. I’d sat up all night by her side, wringing my hands with worry, hoping the doctor would have something new to say to me. But he didn’t. It was hours before he made his way back around, once Maddy was comfortable, and we finally got to talk.
Or, I guess I did. I mostly vented, instead of talked. He stood by patiently listening and nodding, validating my frustrations. But in the end, he had nothing new to add, nothing new to suggest. We’d been dealing with this for years, and there was no end in sight.
What a way to live.
I looked over at Maddy, my sweet beautiful girl sitting there surrounded by the flowers and balloons Jesse had sent. I reminded myself that she was the one who had to endure the hardest part. I couldn’t imagine how scared she must be every time she had an attack. But she was my little warrior. She never complained. She never asked for anything.
She never even asked why.
She just took it all in stride, accepted it as a part of her life.
But that’s what I couldn’t find it in me to do. I couldn’t accept it. I couldn’t just throw up my hands in defeat. This was my little girl.
She was my life.
And I couldn’t allow her life to be saddled with this burden forever. I wasn’t about to accept it. I was going to keep looking for an answer, keep looking for something, anything to obliterate this lurking monster.
“Do I have to go to school today?” she asked.
“No, baby, you’re going to stay home and rest.”
“Are you going to stay home, too?” she asked.
“Yes, baby,” I whispered, squeezing her tiny hand in mine. Jesse’s face flashed in my head, and I pushed the image of him away as fast as I could. I couldn’t think about him now. Another PT would be sent over to Jesse’s place, and he would be fine without me. I wasn’t the key to his healing, he was. He knew what to do.
I’d avoided his calls so far, and I would just keep doing that for the next few days. Or, maybe forever. I hadn’t decided yet. He’d hurt me a lot, whether he meant to or not. But none of that mattered now.
All I knew was that right now, my focus needed to be entirely on my sweet Maddy.
Everything else could wait.
Including me.
And him…
JESSE
Seven days went by - seven days I was forced to endure the wrath of Helga. I begun calling her Helga the Hun - she was absolutely terrifying. Every morning I awoke, hoping today was the day that Maisey would come back. And every morning I was sorely disappointed when I opened the door to Helga’s menacing scowl.
She’d left today, leaving me literally bruised and battered. Maisey’s touch was so much more gentle, and I was longing for it by now.
I’d tried calling. Way too many times than I care to admit.
And I’d been met with complete silence. Not even the courtesy of a text.
Nothing. Nada. Zilch.
I have to admit, I was taken aback by the whole thing. I’d never been ignored like this, and it did nothing for my ego. The dent in my pride was getting deeper every day, and at this point, I was getting antsy.
I needed answers.
I’d have gone myself, I’d have just hung out in my car waiting and watching her, so that I could get my own answers, but me going incognito in this town is basically impossible. I also couldn’t drive myself, so I’d have had to ask Grady to drive me and that would have been even worse. The last thing I needed was Maisey thinking I was some crazy stalker.
I had more class than that.
And money.
Maria was the perfect person for the job. I’d asked her to keep watching Maisey, just to make sure she was safe and that her daughter was okay. I figured if I at least knew that, I wouldn’t worry about her.
I’d been such a complete asshole. I couldn’t blame her if she was mad at me. How could I have been such an ass? We’d barely even started seeing each other. Of course she didn’t want to introduce
me to her daughter yet. We weren’t even really a couple yet… So I was hurt, big deal. I was a fucking grown man. I knew better than that.
I did want a relationship with Maisey. I wanted to be a part of her life in a big way. I wasn’t sure what that looked like, but I was willing to try. If that meant taking things slow, I could take things slow! In the meantime, I was worried about more than just my relationship… I was worried about her daughter.
People don’t go to the hospital for fun… I knew that all too well.
I’d just run out of ideas. Apologizing wasn’t something I did. Ever. And here I was, breaking another one of my self-imposed rules. I was blowing her phone up with apologies. Flowers and fucking I’m sorry emojis. It didn’t matter. It hadn’t done any good.
There was nothing left to do but leave her alone. I’d stopped calling. Stopped texting. Sure, it was fucking killing me, but I’d done it.
The one thing I hadn’t done was pull Maria off her trail.
She was my one link to Maisey and I wasn’t ready to give that up just yet.
I couldn’t wait for Helga to leave this morning, so I could call Maria for an update.
“How is she?” I asked, now that I finally had her on the phone.
“She looks sad, worried. She’s been back and forth to some doctor’s appointments, went out for groceries once, and that’s it. She takes the daughter everywhere she goes, and keeps her close by her side.”
“I guess she’s really sick, huh? That’s too bad,” I said.
“Yeah, I guess so. She’s really cute, though. Doesn’t look anything like her Mom, though, except for those curls. Her hair’s a shade darker than yours. Big, beautiful blue eyes.”
“And there’s no father in the picture?”
“Not that I can tell. She does have this big guy named Eddie that comes and goes, but he seems more like a friend.”