Coming Back To You

by Lynne, Donya

  Jan opened the door and led her through the quaint reception area. “Great session today, Karma. You’re already making big breakthroughs.”

  “Thank you.” Karma pressed her fingertips to the puffy, heated skin under her eyes. She sure didn’t feel like she was making progress. In fact, she felt like she was getting worse.

  But then, maybe that was what Jan considered big breakthroughs. Maybe repairing her wounded emotions was like rehabbing an old house. She had to tear down all the walls and gut the place before she could rebuild. She sure felt gutted.

  After returning home, Karma slipped into a pair of sweats and a sweatshirt, grabbed a bag of Doritos, trudged to the couch, and flopped down on the cushions.

  She pointed the remote at the TV and turned it on.

  Click…click…click…

  She was becoming a pro at channel surfing. She stopped when she reached the Food Network. The Barefoot Contessa was on, demonstrating how to make French-style sole. Karma’s mouth watered, and she scrunched her nose at the bag of Doritos before setting it aside. Then she turned up the volume and watched Ina Garten pour butter sauce over her lightly poached sole fillets and slip them into the oven.

  Hmm, that looks pretty good. Simple, too.

  She used to love cooking, not that she had a huge repertoire of dishes, but she made a mean homemade lasagna.

  Thinking about the list Jan had asked her to create at today’s appointment, she grabbed her laptop and pulled up her blog.

  My therapist asked me today to make a list of everything that gave me joy before I met M. Maybe she thinks if I remember what made me happy before, I can get back in touch with those things and be happy again. No matter the reason, if this is what I have to do to get over M then I’ll do it. I know it’s time I move on. It’s just hard, especially when I can’t remember what it was like before I met him. What did I like? What brought me joy? What made me smile, and what couldn’t I wait to do?

  The first two items on the list are easy enough:

  1. Writing - I’ve always loved writing. Packed away somewhere are notebooks filled with stories and poems I wrote when I was in school.

  2. Cooking - I’m watching The Barefoot Contessa now, and she’s making this yummy French fish dish that I think I’ll try. It looks really simple.

  Other things that bring me joy:

  3. My cat, Spookie, even though I can’t have her at my apartment. Stupid apartment management and their no-pets policy. Spookie stays at my parents’ house, but when I was in high school, she was my little pal. She would sit on my desk while I was doing homework and play with my pencil as I was trying to do my math. She’s always been my baby. Maybe it’s time to start shopping for a new apartment now that I got that raise.

  4. Running. In high school, I was on the cross-country team and really enjoyed that. Running was always kind of an escape for me.

  5. Yoga—duh.

  6. Pilates—double duh.

  7. Hanging out with my friends (no names since I’m keeping this anonymous, but they know who they are).

  8. Music. When I was a kid, I taught myself how to play the guitar and used to be pretty good. But nowadays, I enjoy listening to music more than playing it.

  10. Sports. In addition to cross-country, I played basketball in sixth and seventh grade. And I’ve started playing softball on the company team. Other than that, I love to watch all kinds of sports. Dad and I try to get together once a week to catch a game.

  11. Beaches. I’ve never seen the ocean, but I have this picture of a seascape at sunset hanging on my bedroom wall. I often fantasize that I’m standing on that beach, staring out at the ocean. I’d love to stay in a beach house. I’d live on the deck when I wasn’t walking along the edge of the water.

  12. Reading. Before M, I read all the time. Romance mostly. But then M had me read a bunch of books on sex and sexuality, and now I just find it hard to read. My poor Kindle hasn’t been charged in months. Maybe I’ll go charge it right now and download a bunch of books. Perhaps that will help get my mind off M.

  Her hands hovered over the keyboard as she reread her list. Then she hit publish. Funny, but just writing that list made her feel better. For the first time in months, she wasn’t dwelling on how alone she was and actually considered getting off her ass. She hadn’t been to a yoga class in ages, and her Pilates instructor had probably forgotten what she looked like.

  She checked the time. If she hurried, she could just make the class before it started. She prayed they hadn’t changed the schedule.

  She shut her laptop and glanced at the flat screen as Ina served scrumptious sole fillets on yellow plates. With a resigned nod, she stood and headed toward her bedroom. She snagged her Kindle, plugged it into the charger, gathered the stacks of sex books off her dresser—where they had resided for months—and carried them into her spare room, where she packed them into one of her bookcases. Returning to her room, she quickly changed into yoga pants and a tank top, pulled on a cable-knit sweater, shrugged into her coat, grabbed her purse and gym bag, and headed out. First stop, the gym. Second stop, the grocery store.

  She was having French-style sole for dinner to celebrate taking her first real step toward recovery.

  Chapter 5

  January 15

  As Mark pounded the ever-living crap out of the weighted bag, sweat poured down his body. And this was his cooldown. He’d already spent an hour banging out reps in the free weights. His muscles were screaming.

  “Hey.”

  Mark’s gloved fist smacked the bag as he pulled up and glanced over his shoulder at Rob. They hadn’t talked since New Year’s Eve. Partly because Mark was still angry with him, but also because he was still too pissed off at the world to make a genuine apology for blowing up at Rob. It seemed as more days passed, the more agitated he grew. He’d never experienced feeling like this…a blend of helplessness, sorrow, impatience, and rage. What a destructive cocktail.

  “Hey.” Mark steadied the swinging red bag and rubbed the back of his wrist across his dripping forehead.

  “Happy birthday.” Rob set down his bag. “I know I’m a few days late, but…”

  Tense discomfort settled between them. Mark had never gone longer than a few days without talking to Rob or joining him for a game of hoops, but ever since Rob met Holly, and especially since New Year’s Eve and Mark’s cataclysmic meltdown, they had grown further and further apart.

  “Thanks.” Mark took a step back then turned for the bench where his half-empty water bottle rested. He popped the cap and swallowed a healthy gulp.

  “Mark, look…” Rob sighed. “I’m sorry about New Year’s Eve. Holly and I shouldn’t have sprung Crystal on you like that.”

  “You think?” Mark winced at the harshness in his voice. Shit, but his fuse was impossibly short. Why the hell did he have to snap at Rob every time he saw him? If anything, he should be apologizing to Rob, not getting an apology from him.

  Rob’s brow dug into his eyelids. “Hey, give me a break. I’m trying to say I’m sorry here.”

  Mark set his bottle on the bench. He wasn’t being fair to Rob. “I know.” He turned and offered Rob a crooked grin. “I know you are, and I’m sorry for being such an ass. I—”

  “You miss her.”

  Mark’s blood ran cold for a split second as he met Rob’s gaze.

  “You. Miss. Her.” Rob said again. “I get it.”

  “I don’t want to talk about it.” Mark returned to the bag and shot a vicious jab-cross into the red leather. Just the mention of Karma sent a shock of frustration down his spine. He’d promised to let fate decide his future, but the longer he waited, the harder it became. He was beginning to think he was going to have to renege on his deal with the universe, say to hell with patience, and take matters into his own hands.

  Rob remained silent for several seconds then said, “I’m going to ask Holly to marry me.”

  Mark halted in mid-jab. Ice plunged into his blood again. He’d known months
ago that this moment was coming, but Rob’s announcement still caught him off guard. “I figured.”

  Deep down, he was happy for Rob, but seeing Rob and Holly thriving was a painful reminder of how alone Mark was and what he’d lost when he walked away from Karma. Right now, the mental smack in the head was too much for Mark to handle.

  Rob’s brow crinkled. “You ‘figured’? How about ‘Congratulations, Rob’? Don’t you think that would be more appropriate?”

  Mark lowered his gaze. The blue mat under his feet was dappled with sweat. “Congratulations.” Then he faced the punching bag again, turning his back on Rob. He didn’t need to see someone else’s happiness when he’d squandered away his own like a dumb shit.

  “You know what, Mark? Fuck you.” Rob swiped his bag off the floor. “Fuck. You.” He turned on his heel and headed for the exit.

  Mark steadied the bag with one hand, glaring at Rob’s retreating back. As Rob disappeared around the corner, Mark blew out a frustrated breath as his shoulders sagged. What was he doing? He was chasing everyone away. Karma. Crystal. Now Rob. He was isolating himself. He hadn’t even seen his parents since Thanksgiving. He’d stayed home alone on Christmas. He’d bailed on Rob and Holly on New Year’s Eve. Now, dreaded Valentine’s Day loomed on the horizon, and before he knew it, the one-year anniversary of the night he met Karma would be upon him.

  This was not the time to be alienating everyone.

  Snatching his bag and water bottle, he took off after Rob and caught up to him in the parking lot after blowing through the locker room to yank on his sweats and grab his coat.

  “Rob, wait. I’m sorry. I was an asshole.” The biting Chicago wind stung his sweat-streaked face.

  Rob spun and jammed a finger against Mark’s chest, making him ricochet backward. “You know, I got why you did what you did after Carol walked out on your ass, but I don’t get this. I don’t get why you’re so pissed off when you’re the one who said you had to walk away.”

  Mark hung his head. “I know, I know. I’m sorry.” As usual, Rob pegged him.

  “If you like Karma so damn much then call her. Tell her you miss her. Tell her you made a mistake.”

  “I can’t.” Even as he said it, he wasn’t sure how much longer he could hold out, despite his tattoo artist’s words of encouragement to do just that.

  “Why the fuck not?”

  “Because that’s not how it’s supposed to work. I set her free.”

  “Jesus Christ!” Rob began marching toward his car again. “What is this obsession you have with staying locked in misery, Mark? For God’s sake, if you love her, fight for her. It’d be better than this shit. You’re imprisoning yourself in some kind of self-imposed torture. And for what? Because you set her free? What is that, Mark? What’s that all about? You’re making no sense!” Rob tossed his bag in the backseat of his car and slammed the door.

  How could Mark make Rob understand this? He barely did himself, but he’d made his deal with the universe, and he didn’t want to fuck that up by being impatient, even though impatience was all he was feeling. “Haven’t you ever heard the saying that if you love something, set it free?”

  Rob’s head bobbed up and down and side to side as if he were an angry bobblehead. “If it comes back to you, it’s yours forever. If it doesn’t, it never was. Yeah, so?”

  “That’s why I can’t call her. I set her free. Do you get it now?” Mark raked his fingers through his hair, more agitated than he should have been. “I set her free, goddammit. If it’s meant to be, and when I’m ready, God or the forces at work in the universe that control this shit will bring her back to me. They will. I have to believe that.”

  Have faith. Let go. Don’t force it.

  Razor’s words had become a mantra.

  Rob sighed heavily and jacked his hands on his hips. For a long moment, he said nothing. “Man, Carol really fucked you up, didn’t she?” Compassion filled his voice, as well as his eyes.

  Mark dropped his bag by the back tire of Rob’s car and parked his ass against the rear quarter panel. His shoulders sagged. “Ya think?”

  Rob joined him, and for a long, silent moment, they stood together, leaning against Rob’s car, not speaking a word as the binding threads of their friendship sewed themselves back together. Mark relied on Rob in so many ways. He hadn’t realized until just this moment how much. Rob was his conscience, his sounding board, the kick in the ass he needed every once in a while.

  “This isn’t like you, Mark.” Rob spoke gently. “I’ve never seen you like this.”

  Maybe that was because Mark had never felt so lost. Until he met Karma, he’d been in total control of every facet of his life. He’d had a plan and he’d never deviated from it. Then came Karma. She’d shot enough holes in his scheduled, orderly life to leave him feeling like Swiss cheese. And the harder he tried to fill the craters, the larger they grew.

  Karma had changed him as much as he had changed her. He didn’t look at women the same way now. In fact, he hardly looked at them at all. None of them could hold a candle to Karma. Other women were merely posers trying to fit into a glass slipper much too small and dainty for their big, clunky feet. The only foot capable of wearing such an exquisite shoe belonged to Karma. And what lovely feet she had.

  Beyond that, she had shown him he could trust again. Their last night together, right before she blindfolded him, she had asked if he trusted her. With anyone else, the answer would have been no, but with her and only her, he knew without a doubt that, yes, he did.

  That night, his heart opened to hers more than it had ever opened to anyone. But at the time, he’d been too mired in the battle between emotion and logic to see how right she was for him. As a result, he’d denied his heart’s only wish—to stay with her. Instead, he had appeased his mind by walking away.

  Fool.

  Only when it was too late, after she’d told him good-bye and he was driving back to Chicago, did he realize the gravity of his mistake and struck his deal with a higher power.

  “Stay with her or leave her?” Mark shrugged. “It was a decision I couldn’t make, man. My head wanted one thing and my heart wanted another, so I’m letting fate decide.”

  “Should’ve gone with your heart.”

  Mark scowled out of the corners of his eyes. “Hindsight’s twenty-twenty. And when you’ve lived your whole life making decisions with your head, switching to the heart isn’t easy.”

  “So…what? You gave the decision over to God?”

  “God, the universe, fate, a higher power. Whoever or whatever controls this kind of thing…but yeah, since I couldn’t decide what to do, I took a leap of faith and made a deal. I turned her loose. I let her go. If Karma and I are meant to be together, we’ll find our way back to one another.”

  Rob glanced toward the sky between the tall Chicago buildings. “Sounds like a pussy move to me.”

  “Fuck you.” But there was no punch to Mark’s words.

  “I think you’re scared.”

  Mark blew out a derisive puff of air. “Me? Of what?” But Rob was right. He was terrified, which was probably why he was as moody as a bipolar patient off his meds.

  “I think you’re scared of getting hurt again.” Rob kept his voice neutral.

  Mark frowned and looked away.

  “Hey, I get it,” Rob said. “I know what you went through with Carol, and I get why you’d be scared of going through that again. But, Mark, like I said before, life isn’t always going to give you roses. Sometimes it throws shit on you. It’s up to you to wash it off, pull yourself up, and flip life the middle finger and try again. You don’t just give up. You don’t just relinquish control.” Rob chuffed. “Man, you just can’t find the middle ground, can you? First, your self-control was so rigid you refused to even fathom giving Karma a chance. Now you’ve given complete control over to fate. Meanwhile, Karma’s between the two, waiting for you to get off your fucked-up ass and find the middle ground and take what you want. And you wa
nt her. I know you do.”

  “I’d probably just mess up her life.” Mark sighed. “She deserves someone who isn’t afraid of commitment. Who won’t go into an emotional hemorrhage and physical meltdown at the idea of marriage.” He shifted against the car and glanced at his feet. “Besides, she’s probably moved on by now, anyway.”

  “Now you’re just making excuses.”

  “Damn, Rob, I’m trying here.”

  Rob shook his head. “No you’re not. You’re dying. Every day you don’t reach out to her, a small part of you withers and dies. If you’re not careful, you’ll end up cold and heartless, with no feeling whatsoever.”

  Mark frowned and screwed up his face in a dubious smirk. “Aren’t you just full of good cheer today.”

  Rob offered a flippant shrug. “Just keeping it real.”

  “Sometimes I wish you weren’t so damn honest.”

  Rob gave him a light shove. “I’m awesome like that. And you know I’m right.”

  Mark smiled. His first smile in days, if not weeks. “Have I ever told you how modest you are?”

  “Once or twice.”

  He and Rob stared at each other for a long moment.

  “Do you realize I bought her a Christmas gift?” Mark knew how pathetic that sounded. Why would you buy someone a gift you may never be able to give?

  “Who? Karma?”

  Mark nodded. “Yes. A scarf. It’s in a gift bag on my credenza.”

  Rob blew out a heavy exhale, his cheeks puffing out. “My man, you’ve got it bad. What are we going to do about you?”

  “There’s nothing to do. I committed to this, and come hell or high water, I’ve got to see it through. Is the waiting around driving me crazy? Hell, yes. But this is the deal I made. I have to live with it.”